Rachel's Ramblings 365

A Hard Day

2011-09-15T08:52:00.000-07:00

I am overcome with emotion today. It's one of those weird days. The sun is not exactly shining outside and I'm not totally unhappy. It's just...limbo-ie weirdness. I have cried twice today already. But I've also laughed this morning. It's classic really.

I miss Parker. I miss him dearly and I'm finding that this birthday is harder then last year for some reason. Not sure what that reason is, but it's just harder this year.

So today, we'll take flowers to his grave and educate his little sister on her big brother Parker who is in heaven.

We miss you Parker Geofferson and love you so very much.

The moment I knew what love was.

2011-09-12T12:38:00.000-07:00

Parker Geofferson Harmon would have been three Thursday, the 15^th of September. He entered this world and left it in one breath. I miss him deeply with every fiber of my being even still, three years later. Every time I see his picture, or look at his little hand mold, I ache with an intense desire to hold him once more.

I remember that Sunday afternoon, when we walked into Mercy's Labor and Delivery, like it was yesterday. I remember the sights, sounds and smells of that part of hospital. I remember the silence of the Doppler as it moved around my large nine month pregnant belly. I remember each individual thud of my heart as I waited and prayed for something miraculous to take place. I remember the walk from triage to the delivery room and the feeling of complete peace and calm of the Holy Spirits presence that came over me. I remember the deathly silence of the ultrasound machine as Dr. Rudeen delivered the devastating news that he was "over all four chambers of the heart and they are not moving". I remember it all, every bit of it. Every second of every moment of our time there...

I remember the pain of each contraction. I remember the relief of the epidural. I remember the moments of light heartedness when I experienced some of the more...embarrassing moments of delivery. I remember the strength that Geoff's mom and my mom provided during the delivery. I remember the silence of Parker's arrival into the world...

I remember the sound as the cameras clicked furiously to capture Parker. I remember passing him around and watching each person's face as they held him and quietly said their goodbyes. I remember the feeling of being squeezed by my parents and my in-laws and feeling so much love. I remember when Geoff, with Parker in his arms, left our room with dad Russell, dad Harmon and Grady and walked the long walk to the waiting car that would take Parker's body to the funeral home…

I remember it all, but what I remember most was all the love. I know it sounds hippie-ish, but it's true. There was so much love there. I remember being overwhelmed by all the love that was poured on us when we were in the hospital waiting to meet with the doctor. I remember Jim Rotz coming into our hospital room and praying with us that God would be near and feeling God's love pouring out of Mr. Rotz while he prayed. I remember my mother-in-law holding my left foot and my mom holding my right foot while I was in delivery and feeling so overwhelmed by the motherly love that was pouring out of them as they literally held me up through Parker's delivery and gave me the courage to press on and push through. I remember our dads, who are both pastors, praying over us and showering us with a love that only a father's strength can give.

I also remember, the moment I looked at Parker and saw his sweet little face and his sweet little body, being filled with love like I had never felt before. This was not the same love that I felt towards my family or towards my husband Geoff. This was a new love. A love that made me want to switch places with my son. A love that made me want, so badly, to turn back the hands of time and try and save him (even though I knew that would be impossible). It was a love that I could only equate to that of a mother. I had heard about this love. I had even had talks with my mom about how my priorities would change after Parker's birth because of this love. But to experience it at that moment was, simply put...unreal. My heart wanted to explode when I looked at his little face, so still and so quiet. I remember feeling strange that I couldn't cry at that moment, but I believe now it was because of the intense amount of love I was feeling. I did not want to let my son go and say goodbye.

Now, three years later I find that love has not changed. Five months after Parker died, we found out we were pregnant with our daughter Norah. I remember being overwhelmed and wondering if I was truly ready to ride this roller coaster again, but unfortunately, the wheels were already set in motion. Nine months later, on November 18th, our sweet Norah Joan was brought into this world screaming and my heart was filled once again with even more love.

It did not replace our love for Parker, but rather strengthened it. I learned, this time, that a mother's love simply grows. One child is not loved or cherished more then another, it simply grows and grows and grows.

Parker Geofferson will always be my first born. He will always be Norah's big brother and I will always love him with the love that only a mother knows. The love that is overwhelming at times. That makes your throat feel tight with emotion, and your heart feel like it has hit it's makes fill. It is a love like none other. It's truly an unshakable, indescribable love. A love that I cherish knowing and a moment that I will never forget, the moment I fell in love with my son.

A Few New Fun Pictures (say that 3 times fast)

2011-07-26T12:23:00.001-07:00

Hitchin' a ride with daddy. Best way to travel.
Such a sweet picture of the two of them. They're best buds.
Is it ever too soon to teach your daughter how to drive? This is daddy and Norah at Trinity Pines this past weekend.

Pin-Obsessed

2011-07-26T12:22:00.000-07:00

Uh Oh, it has happened. I have joined the Pinterest world and have been infected with the obsession.

IT's SO ADDICTING!!

Nothing Profound, Just Wanted to Write

2011-07-24T16:57:00.000-07:00

I have found that the reason why I stink at posting is because the bar has been set to high...by no one other than me.

I have placed myself in a bit of a pickle. If I don't feel I have anything of any kind of value to add to the blogging world, then I simply won't post.

Well that's stupid. After all, I didn't start this blog to be this inspired writer. I started it simply because I wanted to share about my life and the ramblings that build up in my brain. I wanted to vent my rantings, to shout out my victories and to share a funny anecdote.

So here it is. A rambling...

I am an avid reader of Real Simple magazine (can I get a "what what" from my fellow readers out there!). I have been subscribing to their magazine since 2007. I love them for their recipes (that I've never cooked, but love to dream about cooking), for their organizing tips and for their stories of daily life. For the past four years Real Simple has been hosting a contest for readers to enter. Each year (for the last four) they have submitted a question to be answered in essay form from a reader. The winner receives $3,000, a trip to New York and their story published in an issue of Real Simple. This years question is "When did you first understand the meaning of love?"

Not sure what I'll write about. I've tossed around several ideas, hopefully I'll find something worthy. We'll see. I'll post it here once I've sent it to Real Simple.

Things Change...Stuff Happens

2011-03-24T16:27:00.000-07:00

As you all can see, by the lack of posts on my cupcake blog and the lack of updates regarding the cupcake venture...it ain't happenin. Things change, stuff happens and life rolls.

So no cupcakes. No side business regarding cupcakes. No catering cupcakes for weddings. No, up-to-my-elbows-in-batter moments. Things change, stuff happens and life rolls.

Now I'm focusing on other things. Like being a wife, a mommy and a volunteer.

I'm volunteering with Lifeline still. We had our first official meeting of Solace, a wonderful support group for us grieving moms. We had 5 women total there and it was a blessing!

I have also begun to volunteer with downtown Nampa and so far that has been a delight and growing experience as well.

So cupcakes may not happen this month, or even in the year, but that's ok because, things change, stuff happens and life rolls.

HAPPY SPRING!

Oh my word…

2011-02-15T12:53:00.001-08:00

I wish I knew how to get motivated to share on here again. I do find that it’s difficult to continue about my son, simply because it’s been so long and the Lord has really healed us well. We still miss him and still find it hard to believe that he’s gone, but we are moving forward.

So I guess the only decision to make here is to move the blog forward.

Tomorrow evening will be the first meeting of a support group that I have started called Solace. It’s a group for women who have lost a baby due to miscarriage, stillbirth or SIDS. I’m so excited to get this group going. I do understand that the chances of a lot of women coming are slim. I understand that not everyone out there finds it therapeutic to talk to perfect strangers about their grief, but I am hoping that I am wrong. I would love for the group to be HUGE! I would love for women of all walks of life and in all stages of grief to show up. So that may be what I’ll be talking about on here. Not the women and their personal stories, but rather my journey from grieving on my own, to helping others heal.

I have found that my life purpose has changed. Before, when I was pregnant with Parker, I found myself to be rather turned in. It was all about me, and what was going on in the present time. Now I find that I desire, more than ever before, to help other mommies and daddies who have lost and help hold their hand through that pain and offer them hope that life will turn around. I am so excited, through this support group, to get that journey under way.

So this blog will still, to some degree, be about Parker and about our journey, but it will also start to be about general updates in this Harmon house regarding Geoff’s life, my life and Norah’s life.

For instance, one update is that I have started to volunteer with downtown Nampa, specifically with their promotions committee. This is so exciting for me because I will finally be able to utilize my skills in marketing!! I can’t wait!!

So thanks for sticking with me and stay tuned!!

Just Right...I Hope

2010-11-06T21:44:00.000-07:00

I don't know what I think about all of this, but I have found that the closer I get to Norah's first birthday, the more strange it feels to finally be here.

I have waited over two years to experience a first birthday of my own. Well, not my own, but of one of my children. I know that we had Parker's first birthday, but it was not (obviously) how I had intended it to be. So now, to be faced, head on, with a first birthday in just two weeks is sort of freaking me out!

I'm really trying to not be that mom. You know, the one who goes way to "all out" for the first birthday. The one who buys way to many gifts and just makes an overall "too big a deal" out of this birthday. However, COME ON PEOPLE! WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR SO STINKIN' LONG!!

So I grapple. I grapple with the concept of over doing it to the point where I fear I'm "under" doing it. Ugh...

So, I hope I can get enough planned to make it a perfect first birthday. A Goldilocks birthday, if you will. You know, not too big, not too small, but rather...just right, here's hoping.

So Happy!

2010-11-06T21:32:00.000-07:00

A few weeks back I think I posted something about wanting to start a support group at Lifeline for families who have lost. Well, on Monday night of this past week, I met with Willie from Lifeline and discussed the possiblity of starting such a group. I am so happy to inform all of you readers that this group will start meeting middle of January!!

I cannot wait! I believe that this has taken place all in the Lord's perfect time. According to Willie, after she received my email, asking if we could meet sometime to discuss this possiblity, she was informed by Diann (the co-director of Lifeline) that it was needed. I feel that is confirmation.

Our group is designed to help support women who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, infertility or any loss of a baby at any point during pregnancy or after. It is the only faith based support group in Idaho and one that, I believe, will affect many lives. I hope and pray that women from all around, all walks of life and at every stage of grief, choose to attend this group.

This is something that I feel I have been called to do. I believe that, after loosing Parker God reshaped the calling for my life and made this, supporting other families who have lost a baby, to be my new calling. OR, maybe and even better yet, maybe it was my calling all a long, and loosing Parker made it that much stronger, to the point where, every day my heart is burdened for new families I hear of who have lost.

I ask that you would join with me in praying for this support group. I will be working on a brochure to hand out at Mercy Medical Center's Labor and Delivery ward as well as local OB/GYN offices and Alsips Funeral Home. I ask that you would ask God to bring all the hurting families to this support group. That He would encourage other mommies and daddies who have lost to join together to help each other heal and grow together and closer with Him through this support group. That is my prayer.

Thanks guys and enjoy the extra hour of sleep.

Never Fails...

2010-10-26T12:24:00.000-07:00

...every time I hear of another mommy and daddy who have lost, my heart breaks and I go right back to the place Geoff and I were when we lost our Parker.

I find myself desiring, strongly, to run to that mommy and tell her everything will be alright. I find myself wanting, so desperately to burst into their hospital room and reassure them that God is near and holding them tight.

But I know that I can't, so I wait and I pray for them every day. Every time I think about Parker I pray for other mommies and daddies who have lost.

If you could pray with me for these families, that would be wonderful!

Oh to work from home...

2010-10-21T11:23:00.000-07:00

It's so hard to be a working mom. I hate the fact that I'm away from my Norah for 8 hours a day. I hate it. However, I fully understand and except the fact that I have chosen this lifestyle for myself. Regardless, it's still hard.

So I've been on the hunt for work from home opportunities. I've checked into several options out there, but I am so nervous about taking the plunge. I've even looked into part time work. I just want more time with my Norah.

If any one has any advice or ideas that would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

I think I have a problem

2010-10-20T09:54:00.000-07:00

I have found that I stalk people online.

I'll log onto facebook, go to a friends page, look at their friends and so on and so on until I'm on someone's facebook that I don't even know, staring at their pictures and reading about them. Is this weird? I think so.

What's really weird is that I find myself getting inspired by many of the people that I stalk on facebook or here on blogger. I find myself being moved to try new things or to step out of my comfort zone and attempt something that I never thought I would do.

For instance, I have been intrigued by the thought of a "v-log". Yup, I am toying with the idea of a video blog. How crazy would that be?! I have always had a love affair with talking and I personally think I'm better at talking then I am at writing, at least for the most part that seems to be true. If only I could get my husband to agree to this, then I might do it.

Also, I have been inspired to not stick to one topic of blogging. For the last few years I have blogged strickly about my Parker and as life changes and morphs, I have discovered that there is so much more I want to say. So I'm going to continue to blog about my Parker, but also about other life happenings because the blog is, after all, titled Rachel's Ramblings 365.

So, just wanted to share about my stalker-ish ways and about what's going on in my head in an effort to figure it all out for myself.

Thanks for reading everyone!! Stay tuned!

DREAMS

2010-09-21T09:15:00.000-07:00

I dream a lot, but not when I sleep. I mean, I daydream a lot. I daydream about what it would be like to be on TV hosting my own show. I daydream about what it would be like to have tons of money and be able to purchase anything and everything I would ever want. I daydream about what it would be like to travel all over and not be afraid of flying. I daydream a lot.

Lately, I've been daydreaming about several things. One of them is owning my own business. I have this dream about owning my own cupcake bakery and making cupcakes for a living. Cupcakes for weddings, birthday parties, and just for enjoying everyday. I would love to do this. So far, Robin and I have been working on making this dream a reality. We are going to start small, from our homes and then hopefully it will grow into something big where we can open a shop. I dream about that shop too. I picture a cute little store front where people can come, sit down, have a cup of coffee or a cold glass of milk and enjoy a delicious, fresh from the oven cupcake. MMmmm....someday soon this will come true.

The other dream I have is of being a public speaker, a motivational public speaker. I would love LOVE to travel around and speak in front of groups. I daydream what it would be like to be asked to speak in front of a large crowd and share my testimony and give hope. I daydream of what it would be like to be able to touch the lives of perfect strangers in profound ways simply by sharing my journey with them. I daydream of being able to quit my 9-5 job to pursue this. Someday soon this will come true as well.

Finally, my last dream is of writing a book about our Parker. I would love to be able to publish our story of that first year following his death and then being able to touch people through that book. What I wouldn't give for that opportunity. It truly wasn't until I started blogging our journey that first year, that I realized that I could write and that I loved to write. Sometimes, I wish I could go back to NNU and major in Journalism or English or something along those lines. Or even just go back to college entirely and major in Creative Writing. Someday soon, I hope, this dream will come true.

These are my dreams. I hope and pray that at least one of them comes true. That maybe someday, I'll be announcing the grand opening of ZetaNorah's Cupcakery, or maybe giving the dates of my speaking engagements or maybe telling you all where my book will be sold. Who knows, all I know is I'm going to keep dreaming and keep pursuing those dreams however silly it may or may not be.

Happy Tuesday everyone!

Happy Birthday to ME!

2010-09-17T09:59:00.000-07:00

Today is my 27th birthday. How is that even possible. I have started and restarted this blog twice now and each time I have a different topic regarding age that I want to discuss.

The first one started out about how I'm three years from 30 and how I'm completely OK with that.

The second one started out talking about how Geoff got me a wonderful Flying M coffee mug with a gift card to that coffee shop, along with some cash to spend this weekend. Then I went into talking about how I had to get my license renewed today and discovered that I'm 30lbs heavier then I was when I got my license back in 2006...ugh.

This blog will focus on how much I love birthdays no matter what the age or weight.

Birthdays are a reminder that you've made it. You've made it one more year. You've come so far. 27 years! That's AMAZING! Whenever you hear about people being married for that long you say, "WOW! Good for you!" When you hear about someone being at the same company for 27 years you find that impressive as well. So 27 is awesome!

I embrace 27, because it means that I'm getting further and further away from 18, which I'm totally OK with. Getting farther from my teens means to me, that maybe, I'm getting more mature...maybe...some days.

So bring on my 27th year of life. I'm ready! PLUS, I know that the closer I get to being 30, means the closer I get to fulfilling my husbands prophecy that I'm going to be a HOT 30 year old.

Strange Feelings

2010-09-12T08:34:00.000-07:00

We are approaching the day that would have been Parker's 2nd birthday. It's so hard to believe that it has been 2 years since we met and said goodbye to our little man. I am amazed and blessed at how God has used Geoff and I and truly made something good out of something so tragic. In these past 2 years, we have grown and learned so much about one another and about how great our God is.

As we approach his birthday, I find myself reminiscing about what life was like before we lost our Parker and even how life changed in that moment we heard he was gone. I find my heart racing as I think about that afternoon in the delivery room when Dr. Rudeen told us his heart was no longer beating. I find my eyes beginning to burn with tears when I think of all the innocent joy I felt on that labor day weekend when I still felt him wiggling and moving inside my belly. I find that empty portion of my heart aching when I think about our little boy, laying so beautifully still and silent in my arms on the evening he was born. And finally, I find myself feeling at peace, knowing that God has carried us so far and continues to carry us as we move along this life path.

Parker Geofferson Harmon will always be our first born. He will always be our sweet baby boy and he will always be fondly remembered and loved every day. He will always be celebrated and remembered on his birthday for the rest of our lives.

We love you Parker Geofferson.

OBSESSION

2010-09-10T11:57:00.000-07:00

Oh my word, it has happened, I have become obsessed with...CUPCAKES!! It's true! All day, everyday, every hour, all I think about are cupcakes. A new friend of mine, Robin, and I are planning on starting a little cupcake business. We hope and pray it grows into something big and beautiful and wonderful. We are both so excited and as a result of that excitement, I have developed an obsession...

Picture Post...

2010-08-24T06:46:00.001-07:00

Family picture at Chinook Pass in Washington State.

Norah with her Great Grandma Neeley.

Norah playing with daddy on the floor.

My sweet sleeping baby.

Norah and mommy at lunch a few months ago.

A Happy Life

2010-08-24T06:43:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in my living room, watching the Today Show, sipping my iced latte and watching my sweet 9 month old Norah shred an old issue of Real Simple. I love my life.

Every time I have these feelings of complete joy and happiness, I find myself amazed that Geoff and I are finally here, in this place. A place where we have a beautiful home, good stable jobs and a baby girl who is happy and healthy. God is so good.

It's Just a Dream, but Who Knows...

2010-08-23T20:52:00.000-07:00

I have this dream to own my own business some day, and more so then ever before, I am attacking this dream head on. I hope to be a small business owner some day and I'm hoping that that someday will be sooner rather then later. So...just wanted to share that.

If anyone has any advice, let me know.

A Brief Post..Well, Kind of Brief.

2010-08-18T09:55:00.000-07:00

I started this blog over two years ago, which is CRAZY to me, but I started it with the complete intent of using it to empty all of my thoughts on all topics, but mainly on topics of being a new mommy for my Parker. Oh my goodness what a change has taken place.

Parker is still the main topic of each post, but for a drastically different reason then originally thought. Originally, each post was going to be about being a new, working mom, but after Parker's death, it turned into a way to grieve, heal and grow. This blog has been so therapeutic for me in every way. To write the posts helped, to read the comments helped and then to go back and reread each post has helped as well.

My how things can change in the blink of an eye. Never did I think, two years ago, that I would be volunteering at Lifeline pregnancy center, helping grieving moms heal from their losses. Never, in my wildest imaginings did I think that Geoff and I would get the opportunity to be on air sharing our story of loss and healing. Never, did I imagine that my heart would hold a spot for my son and for all babies who have past and their families who grieve. Never did I think any of this would happen, but it has and I am so thankful for the opportunities that have been born from our tragedy.

I feel like a broken record sometimes, but I just find myself so amazed at the mysterious ways that God works and moves in times of loss. Romans 8:28 is so true, God does take ALL things and work them for the good of those who love him, those who are called according to his purpose.

So that's it, that's all. Nothing horribly profound, just a random rambling.

OH! and a prayer request. If you could, ask God to help his will shine through the idea of starting a support group for families who have lost. I would appreciate this greatly. It is my distinct desire to minister to grieving families. I feel God has a place for me to do this work, I just need direction.

Thanks everyone!

Have a blessed Wednesday

***

One more thing, Parker's little sister Norah is 9 months old today!!! :)

30 Days and Counting

2010-08-17T12:05:00.000-07:00

Today is August 17, which marks 30 days (1 month) until the big 2-7 for this momma! I cannot believe that my twenties are slowly winding down. I keep telling myself that my husband Geoff thinks I'll be the hottest 30 year old mom on the planet, so ending my twenties is ok...we'll see. (I am sure that several of you out there in the internet universe are probably shaking your heads and rolling your eyes...sorry, I'll quit griping).

On another note, here is an update in this little Harmon house.

Norah had her first tooth break through earlier this month, with the second one close behind! She's slowly getting her toothy grin that I've been dying to see. Also, we experienced, for the first time, what it's like to have a sick little bambina. It was rough. A few Saturdays ago, sissy broke a temp of 103, which freaked me, to say the least. The yuck lasted a few days and finally ended about a week ago. She is now, back to her normal, grinning, chatting, giggling self.

Geoff is about to start his 4th (I think) year at River Valley Elementary, which is always an exciting and somewhat stressful time for us to get back in the swing of that routine. It looks like it should be an easy transition this year. He has loved being home, the past few months, with peanut being "Mr. Mom" (and he does a great job, I might add).

For the past few months I've been volunteering at Lifeline with Willie, helping out with grief counseling and it has been such an AWESOME experience. I still have a dream of starting a nonprofit or at least helping families who have lost like Geoff and I. Willie has thrown around the idea of starting a support group, which I'm hoping to be apart of. I've also been thinking about the fact that, this September 15th will mark Parker's 2nd birthday and how our family will go about honoring that day. I'm hoping, this year, to start a tradition with Norah on that special day, something to help her get to know her brother as well as honoring his memory.

So that's about it. Life in this little Harmon house is pluggin along. Norah Joan is growing like a weed and getting cuter and cuter by the minute. Crawling looks like it's in her future, but I'm ok with her taking her time on that one.

Have a blessed day everyone! And remember, you only have 30 shopping days until my BIRTHDAY! :)

The sunshine...so warm

2010-04-18T15:41:00.000-07:00

I sit here, on our back porch under the shade. The sun is shining so bright and beautiful. The wind gently stirs my hair, brushing it around my face. Geoff is mowing the lawn, Opie, the chocolate lab, is sprawled out at my feet while Norah sleeps peacefully in her crib inside. I breath deep and think of how wonderful our life is. God has brought us so far in these last 19 months. Who woud have thought that the pain I felt so deeply, so richly, so tangibly, at this time last year, would today, at this moment, seem so distant.

These last 5 months since Norah's birth have been the best in a long time. She is such a joy. We knew that her birth would bring much healing to our lives. It would be a physical showing of God's blessings as well as a way for us to prove to ourselves that we are able to have healthy babies. We also knew that her birth and life would bring to us, the full awareness of what "could have been" with Parker. Norah as a newborn held striking resemblence to Parker as a newborn. They had the same long fingers and little button nose. We figure that they would have been the kind of brother and sister where people would have said, "You must be Parker's sister" or "You have to be Norah's brother". Those are such fun things to think about and those are the thoughts that her birth has brought about.

Also, some other things that have come about since her birth is the common question of, "is this your first". This was asked of us quite a bit during my pregnancy with Norah and it's one that I don't know that I'll ever get used to. It's one of those questions that you can't answer, well that I can't answer very quickly. Often times the question catches me completely off quard and takes my breath away. I find myself pausing and saying, "Uh..." before I answer. Usually, I will respond with, "Yes, this is our first," but on a rare occassion I will stop, pause, consider what reaction I may receive by answering honestly, and then proceed with, "No, this is actually our second." This then brings about two possible reactions. The first is, "Oh ok," which is my favorite, because then I know that I won't have to navigate a potentially awkward conversation for them not me. The second possible answer, and less common, is "Oh, how old is your first?" to which I respond, "He would have been a year and a half" and then I wait for the "would have been" part of the answer to sink in. Usually this takes a second or to, and then the person frowns a bit, looks at me to understand what I meant and then says, "Would have been?" Then I get to do, what I love to do, and that is talk about my Parker and tell his story. This part of the conversation is often times pretty awkward, at first, but nine times out of ten it ends up to be very rewarding. I have met more women, who have either had a family member or friend that lost a child, or they themselves lost a child. And I have found, through these women, that there really seems to be an unspoken bond that forms after discovering this about one another.

I'm not really sure how to end this post. I feel I need to end it, because I could simply go on and on, so I will stop now and keep posting at another date. I do plan on posting more often, because I miss being able to "throw up" my thoughts. I miss being able to give updates on life and how God is still moving, still healing and still growing Geoff and I closer together through our son's death. I also want you all to get to know my Norah, she's a doll and an absolute blessing.

So stay tuned, life in this Harmon house is truly a blessing and a joy every single day of the week. I cannot wait to start sharing it with you all again.

Hello Strangers :)

2009-10-12T17:55:00.001-07:00

So I have realized that I'm averaging about one new post each month. HA! So I haven't completely fallen off the face of the earth.

Here's an update on life in the Harmon house with Norah's near arrival.

September 15th we remembered our Parker's birth. The day started like "normal," just like any other day, but ended up feeling like a mixture of really special and really sad.

Around 3 in the afternoon I received a beautiful bouquet from my parents that was delivered to me at work. Then, I went home, Geoff and I had a nice quiet, easy meal together. After that we went to Costco, bought a beautiful bouquet of autumn colored daisies to take to the grave. This was when I saw my Geoffrey struggle with what this day was all about. I asked him what was wrong and he said that this day made him really focus on what we had gone through. Not to say that we haven't focused on it, but being that it was his birthday, Parker's birthday, was something that we couldn't just shoved to the back and not focus on.

So we went to the cemetery, parked right by his grave, took a deep breath, took the bouquet and walked to his grave. We laid the flowers on his headstone and stood there for a while and talked about Parker. Then we (and I know this is going to sound strange) walked around the baby area of the cemetery and looked at the other headstones there. Then around 7:30, closer to 8 we went to Geoff's parents house to have ice cream sundaes. We ate delicious sundaes, laughed and had a great time. Then Geoff's mom gave us this gift that, evidently she had been holding on to for quite some time. It was a sketch of a hospital picture that was taken of Parker in the bassinet after he was born.

The hospital picture itself is raw. It makes him look horribly pale. You can see the skin on his face and hands that was starting to peel. You can clearly see where his eye was bruised and swollen due to labor. You can also see that he is (and I know this sounds weird) but he looks, I don't know how else to say this, but he looks obviously dead in the picture. It's just an awful AWFUL picture. The first time I saw it was back in July. I pulled it out of the envelope and nearly collapsed in anguish at how bad my precious baby boy looked. It was not how remembered him at all.

SO...back to the gift. When I began to open it, I realized that it was a frame. My heart began to pound out of fear that maybe she had taken the liberty to have the hospital photo framed. I didn't want to open it, but I kept unwrapping. After it was all unwrapped, I turned the frame over to see the picture and my breath was taken away. He looked perfect, perfect, perfect in every way. There is no other way to descibe the sketch.

We all cried over the sketch and were in complete awe of how much it looked just like him and the best part, he looked absolutely peaceful, as if he was sleeping. This sketch hangs in our hallway for all to see. It hangs proudly on our family wall under a photo of Geoff and I on our wedding day. Once Norah arrives, her photo will join his there as well.

At the end of the evening Geoff and I went home, cried a little more for our Parker, who we still miss with every breath, and then relaxed for a bit before bed.

***

These days, these past few weeks, I have officially entered the final countdown stage. We only have 5 1/2 weeks until Norah's arrival and that is thrilling, plus I am started my weekly appointments now at 33 1/2 weeks, which is great as well.

At our 32 week appointment, we had another ultra sound and got to peak into Norah's world. She is absolutely beautiful (we got a 3D picture of her face). We wish that we could just have her now and be enjoying her already, but we know that she needs to grow and get stronger, so we'll be patient.

Dr. Rudeen measured her head, her abdomen, her spine, everything and it all checked out great. She currently weighs 4 lbs and is measuring right on schedule which is great! A few weeks ago she was in the breach position, but that is no longer the case (praise the Lord) she is head down now.

The weekly appointments, that I mentioned earlier, that I'll be starting, will be NSTs (non-stress tests) that women categorized as high risk receive, as well as other basic monitoring that all women receive (such as, heart rate, growth, etc).

Geoff and I are praying that the last few weeks fly with no complications and that before we know it, it will be November 18th and we will be headed to the hospital to get induced. So pray with us that these next 5 weeks just fly fly FLY fast.

I'll try to keep you all posted until then.

Life These Days

2009-08-09T20:54:00.000-07:00

Hello all, it's been quite a while since I blogged last and, needless to say, I'm ashamed. I know that I don't blog as often as I used to, but that's simply because of forgetfulness on my part.

Anyway, life these days for Geoff and I has been wonderful. Baby girl (yes I said girl) is growing quite nicely and has become very VERY active. Norah (that is her name) has already created somewhat of a schedule of activities in her world. I usually feel her around 6 - 7am, then around 10am - 12pm and then again in the evening. I don't plan on starting kick counts until 28 weeks because that is what most doctors suggest. But she's active, oh boy is she active and her kicks are strong which is wonderful. I have found that she likes the lower part of the uterus to hang out in, which is a new and odd feeling. Parker stayed up high mostly, but Norah, evidently prefers to stay down low.

We have completed the painting of the nursery, with the help of my parents who came into town just last weekend. Dad, Geoff and mom painted over the blue stripes with a nice neutral off-white. Then after that, Dad painted a nice thick chocolaty brown stripe in the center of the wall running horizontal. Finally, mom and I finished off the wall with cute brown, green and pink flowers (the name of the pink paint was fitting, it's called "invitation to a princess"). So the painting is complete.

Before mom and dad got in to help with the painting, Geoff and I went through all of Parker's clothes and took out the ones that Norah can wear and packed away the ones that are too boyish. That went pretty well, until we came across the clothes that would have totally made Parker a "mini-Geoff". When I saw those I just lost it. But we know that we still hold a hope that someday we may have another boy, until then, it's just a bittersweet to see those going away in a box stored in the garage.

Life is good. After making it through "the big ultrasound" it seems the only other major hurtles we have to jump are Parker's first birthday (September 15th) and the 35th week (the week he died). I have to tell you, we aren't dreading the first birthday or the 35th week, so I guess I shouldn't call them hurtles, but rather milestones.

God has truly helped us to move our hearts towards realizing that the 35th week is just another week in this pregnancy. That helps me to realize that we can easily make it through that week. Now don't get me wrong, I still ask for your prayers during that time because I cannot fully anticipate what that day may bring, but I feel pretty certain that God is going to help Geoff and I remain strong and focused.

In terms of Parker's first birthday being a little over a month away, God has helped me to see it as a time to remember the blessing that he was and still is to Geoff and I. Geoff also reminded me that we made his funeral a time of rejoicing in God's goodness and steadfast power and that we want that to continue on into his first birthday. I have no idea what we plan on doing that day, but what I do know is that we will rejoice in the life that he had with us for 35 weeks, and in the way he has so greatly impacted our lives and the lives of those around us. Also we will rejoice in the blessing that he has been and continues to be to us.

So we are doing really good these days. Life is good, Norah is healthy and growing and God is faithful, that is all that matters.

Thanks for sticking with me, and continuing to check in on me. Have a GREAT week!!

Baby #2 Update

2009-06-12T10:19:00.000-07:00

(this picture is a little out dated so to speak. I'm 14 weeks here and now I'm nearly 17, so I'll get a new one up soon)

Ok, so here I am again, just wanted to stop in and let everyone know how Geoff and I are doing.

I'm almost 17 weeks which seems so insane. I'm feeling really good and growing fast!! I feel like I look huge already, but according to my husband I don't (he's sweet isn't he). Life is going really well.

We had our 16 week appointment, this past Wednesday and the baby's heart rate was up at 159bpm. My growth is right on schedule and Dr. Rudeen said that everything sounded and looked great! I have only gained 2lbs in 7 weeks, which is also really impressive! So life is good.

I still have moments of fear, where Satan tries to step in and destroy this joy, but I simply say a little prayer asking God to tell Satan to go bother a rock. I also have found that those verses that helped me through life without Parker are helping me through this pregnancy.

I still have moments of fear when I am asked the totally innocent question of, "have you felt the baby move yet?" That is a question that will forever bother me, and one that I hate being asked. However, to answer it here, I have felt tiny, tiny movements here and there (like I'll feel movements one day, and then not again for like a week). I know that it's still early to feel movements, the average women doesn't feel anything until around 18 to 20 weeks and she won't feel them regularly until sometime around the 3rd trimester (6 months or so).

That brings me to something fun and excited. We are only 4 weeks from being halfway through this pregnancy, which is utter INSANITY to me!! Geoff and I were talking about when our next appointment would be and when we would get to find out the sex. Dr. Rudeen said that our next appointment will be in 4 weeks and that the appointment to find out the sex will be in 6 to 7 weeks. So... that means that in 4 weeks I'll be halfway through!!!!! AAGGHHH!!! So freaking exciting!!

So we're doing great, and baby is too. Life is really good right now. We still have moments where we miss Parker and cry for Parker. In fact, we have moments where we slip up and call this baby Parker, but that's all to be expected and totally normal. He is a part of our life and will never be forgotten.

Anyway, that's where we are, just wanted to update!!

Oh and Geoff and I are headed on a vacation this next week, so I'll have pictures and a blog about that when I get back!! Have a great weekend everybody.

12 Weeks and Counting

2009-05-16T20:03:00.000-07:00

Hello all! :)

I'm officially back "from hiding". I have been sort of avoiding the blog because I so desperately wanted to talk about my current pregnancy. Now that the "cat's out of the bag" I can blog again :).

Let me catch you all up on the fun and exciting news.

Round about the middle of February I finished my birth control at which time, Geoff and I decided we were ready to start trying again. Now, we thought that it would take a few months at least, but were shocked to discover that we got pregnant on the first try (CRAZY!). With Parker, I was off the pill for 5 months before we got pregnant, but with this baby, it only took one try. Which sort of cracks me up, because all growing up, my mom would always say things like, "it only takes one drink (to know if you're an alcoholic)," "it only takes one cigarette (to get addicted to nicotine)," and "it only takes one time of unprotected sex (to get pregnant)" She is so wise!

At grief counseling, with Willie, Geoff and I discussed how we would feel if I was pregnant, the night that I took my first test. I was sitting on pin and needles with excitement, while Geoff was a little nervous. When we got home that night I took the first of four tests. It came out positive. My heart lept with joy. I came bouncing out of the bathroom into the living room waving the test around (with the protective cap on mind you :) ). Geoff did not quite share the same excitement that I did. I put the test back in the bathroom and immediately went to my husband. I talked with him about how he was feeling. He simply didn't want us to forget Parker and become consumed with this new pregnancy. There is simply no way to ever forget my Parker.

We then sat and talked about how Parker will always be our first born and how this baby will NEVER be the replacement baby. This baby is our second born and I have made a conscious effort to tell people, when they ask, that this is my second pregnancy.

Anyway, that next morning, at around 5am, yes, 5 o'clock in the morning, I woke up and took the second of four pregnancy tests. That one came out with the exact same results, but in the back of my mind I was still in denial. There is just simply no way that we could have gotten pregnant so fast...right? I mean, who does that except for people named Fertile Myrtle right? Two days later I took the third of four tests, which came out positive, but was still not enough proof that I was pregnant. Even the fourth test, that I took at Lifeline Pregnancy center, that came out positive (glaringly positive I might add) didn't even give me enough proof. It wasn't until our first ultrasound at 6 weeks that this pregnancy started to sink in.

That day was a nerve-wracking day to say the least. I honestly believe that until you have experienced a silent sonogram, it will be far to difficult to understand the emotions of that day. The last sonogram we had was when we were dealt the heavy blow that Parker had died, so this day, was so surreal in so many ways.

It was an internal ultrasound (which are so not fun, and the little scope or probe they use, just looks wrong on so many levels...I'll save you the description, but when you see it, you think it belongs in a shop full of sex toys...nuff said). Anyway, the screen was switched on and at first my uterus appeared empty, to which I thought, "OK, so it was a chemical pregnancy, I can take that..." but then, all of a sudden a tiny little jumping bean appeared and my heart lept again. There it was, our sweet second child, jumping to the rhythm of their tiny, microscopic new heart. Thank you God! I stared at the screen, but heard nothing because, according to Dr. Rudeen, it was just too soon to hear the heart beat. He then went on to quickly say that it looked like everything was progressing well. The baby's yoke sac was perfectly round (or as Dr. Rudeen said, "you have a perfectly smooth yoke sac" to which I thought, "thank you...I do try") and there was no evidence of any blood pockets, which is a good sign. So everything was looking really good and healthy. At that ultra sound, the baby measured at 6 weeks with a due date of 11/28.

Our second ultra sound came two weeks later so we could hear the heartbeat for the first time. Again, my nerves were all over the place leading up to that ultrasound. Geoff and I walked in, my heart beating a mile a minute. Polly took my blood pressure and said it was a tad elevated. Dr. Rudeen came in and performed the internal ultrasound. This time, the baby was much larger than the first time we got to spy into their little world. I am amazed at the amount of growth that took place in just two weeks. While I was marveling at how sweet the baby looked, Dr. Rudeen flipped a switch and the room was filled with the most soothing whooshing sound. To hear that sweet whooshing was so comforting and reassuring. The heart rate measured in at 156bpm. A perfect little heart beat, for our perfect second child. Dr. Rudeen printed off several pictures to go with our 6wk ultrasound pictures. The baby measured in at 8wk 1day with a due date of 12/1. SO...my due date is some where between 11/28 or 12/1.

Following this visit Dr. Rudeen arranged to see us again in three weeks to listen again to the heartbeat. Our visit was scheduled for May 13th which came faster than I would have liked.

The night before the appointment I woke up every hour on the hour, again, wracked by nerves. That day at work I could barely focus leading up to the appointment. My mind raced with all the possibilities of what might happen. I was so nervous, to say the least. I prayed, recited bible verses and told Satan to go bother a rock.

I arrived at the doctor's office before Geoff and waited patiently. Polly called me back to take my blood pressure, weigh me and have me pee in a cup. Geoff arrived soon there after and we waited in the exam room. Again, Polly told me that my blood pressure was elevated. She also warned us that it might be difficult for Dr. Rudeen to find the heart beat at first because of how early it is, but to "not panic". She then patted me on the knee and told me everything would be fine. I took a deep breath and recited Romans 8:28 "And we know that God works all things for the good of those who love Him, those who are called according to His purpose." In comes Dr. Rudeen. I lay back, take a deep breath again and wait.

I feel the cold of the doppler on my tummy, take a deep breath and wait. The sounds of gurgling are heard, but no tiny heart beat. I take a deep breath and wait, my heart starts to beat faster. More gurgling, then my heart beat shows up on the doppler, deep breath and wait. I look to Geoff and am immediately thrown back to that awful day in Mercy's Labor and Delivery back in September. My heart pounds, I take a deep breath and wait. My heart beat shows up on the doppler again, but no tiny heart beat. All of a sudden as if to say "TA DA!" we hear the fast whooshing of our second child's heart beating. PRAISE GOD! I look to Geoff immediately and see him grinning from ear to ear. I shout out, "THANK YOU GOD!" Then I say hello to our sweet tiny baby.

Dr. Rudeen continues to move the doppler around, chasing our sweet little baby as the baby runs from the doppler. The heart beat would fade out and then come back louder than before at 172+ bpm. SOooo comforting. It felt like another victory, another way to tell Satan to stuff it. Thank You God!

We left the exam room on cloud nine. Now, at this point, I feel like I can finally sit back and enjoy this pregnancy. We only have one more week in the first trimester. The next hurtle we have to jump is the 35th week, our loss week during Parker's pregnancy.

***

Geoff and I are thoroughly enjoying this pregnancy, together, with God's help every day. We are ecstatic to be pregnant again and we give everyone permission to rejoice with us.

This pregnancy, in no way, replaces our Parker, this is simply Parker's sibling. This baby will not be anything like Parker. This baby will not look anything like Parker. This baby is a new baby, a second child for Geoff and I and Parker's little brother, or sister. This baby does not make our grief for Parker go away, but it does take some of the sting off. This baby will be a blessing, but, again, will in no way ever EVER replace our sweet boy Parker Geofferson.

One more thing, if you could be praying for Geoff, myself and this baby as we continue on this new adventure, we would greatly appreciate it. Each appointment is filled with anxiety and nerves, so if you could be praying for those as well, and for that 35th week.

Thank you so much for all the support you have all offered Geoff and I. We have felt your prayers, felt your strength and we appreciate it more than we can ever express.

Thank you and...YAHOO for BABY #2!

So...

2009-05-13T17:05:00.001-07:00

....OH MY GOSH I'M 12 WEEKS PREGNANT!!!

Geoff and I are due 12/01 and I'm feeling great! Just wanted to let you all know. More details (and ultrasound photos) to come.

Happy Happy Easter

2009-04-13T16:22:00.000-07:00

I have finally discovered why I have become so bad at posting lately, it's because I have been heaping TONS of pressure on myself to write profoundly. So, as of right now, I am throwing that pressure out the window and going back to the very roots of this blog, my ramblings...

***

This Easter was a wonderful day filled with good food, an excellent sermon, and family and friends.

Every year I look forward to Easter, and I have to confess, it is for all the wrong reasons. I look forward to it for the new Easter outfit and for the delicious candy. This year; however, was different. My mind was more focused on something that my mom brought up on my Facebook page. She said, "Hi honey. I spent some time looking at Parker's book today...I really wasn't expecting to cry again...he is so precious and so are you & Geoff. I was thinking that Parker's Easter is pretty amazing too, don't you think? I love you. :)"

It had never dawned on me to think about the wonderful Easter celebration that must have been going on in Heaven. I am sure it would be a sight to see. It would be more beautiful than any sunrise service that anyone could ever imagine. It would be more powerful than the most powerful sermon ever preached. It would truly TRULY be a most magnificent experience and even though I miss him desperately, it is comforting to think about Parker being apart of that celebration. Thanks mom for the beautiful image.

***

Happy Easter everyone! He is RISEN!! He is risen indeed.

***

One more thing that I just have to add. Ever since loosing Parker people have asked Geoff and I how we are making it, how we seem to be doing so well and this is how I can only articulate it. God knows. God knows the pain that it is to loose a child. God knows that grief that over takes. Yes, Jesus' death was a different sort of death than Parker's; however, God still lost a son, his only son and in that way, he understands. He understands better than anyone else the pain that Geoff and I have gone through.

The Easter season, the weeks and days leading up to Jesus' glorious resurrection remind me of this. They remind me of the loss that God experienced when his son was nailed to the cross. And Easter also reminds me of how because of God sending his Son to die for our sins, Parker is not left to die and remain in his grave. He is in heaven with God and is taking part in that beautiful Easter celebration, worshipping our risen Savior.

AMEN!!

Thank you God!!

He has risen and because is has risen we have eternal life in heaven with him!

AMEN!!

John 3: 16 & 17 (I know we all learned these verses in Sunday school, but they are so good to read again every once in a while)

A lot more to say then I thought, but it has been a while.

2009-04-02T12:42:00.000-07:00

Wow!! So I'm really terrible with keeping up to date lately and I apologize. I really have no good excuse other than, my topics to write about are growing thin.

***

Life is really good these days. Spring is here, the grass is turning green, Easter is on it's way and...well...life is good.

We are in our third month of grief counseling and are learning and growing so much. I cannot sing the praises of Willie enough, she has been a blessing!!

This past weekend (the 26th - 29th) my sister Sarah and brother-in-law Brad came to stay with us (along with their dog D.O.G., pronounced dee-oh-gee). We had so much fun with them. We shopped, ate, laughed, watch a movie, and just had an overall good time. They left Sunday morning the 29th and mom and dad arrived Sunday evening that same day.

Mom and dad stayed with us Sunday evening the 29th to Wednesday morning the 1st of april. We had tons of fun with them too. We shopped, ate, laughed, relaxed and had a general good time.

I love having family come visit. This was the first time since Parker died that we have had my family come for a visit. It was such a treat.

***

One of the things that we did with mom and dad while they were here was visit Parker's grave on Monday before heading to Eagle to have lunch with Geoff. Dad had his cell phone out and was taking pictures (with each picture his phone quacked, kind of funny), mom stood silently over his grave and marveled at how perfect the headstone was. We stood their for a moment, in hushed tones, and talked about his grave and headstone. I told them about Ronnie Lou, the daughter of Betty, a woman in our church, and how her grave was on the same row as Parker's. Ronnie Lou was born 50 years ago and lived for an hour and half. I have grown to truly love her mom Betty. She is a warrior in my book and someone who's grief I completely understand. A few weeks after getting back to church after Parker died, Betty approached me and gave me a hug. I mentioned to her how wonderful I thought it was that Ronnie Lou's grave was on the same row as Parker's and we cried together. She then shared with me the story of Ronnie Lou. I feel so priviledge to know Betty.

Anyway, while we stood there we scanned the headstones around Parker's. I saw the ones that I had seen before when visiting Parker's grave, but to the right of his grave was a new one and my heart broke. A beautiful little girl had died January 29th of this year. There was only one date, indicating that she had been stillborn like Parker. My heart shattered into a million pieces. Then, as I was staring in sadness at this little headstone, my eyes caught another one in the distance covered in plastic (which is what they do when they put in a new headstone). My heart shattered once more. I was moved to silence and disturbed at the same time.

I understand that death still happens. I understand that Parker is not the last baby that will be stillborn, but why does it have to continue to happen? Why can't our medical field figure this out enough to stop it? Why is it, that in the 21st century, stillbirth still baffles the medical community? It's really AGRAVATING and frankly it pisses me off!

As we walked to the car I told mom and dad about the headstone I saw and they were moved as well. While we were talking about the family of that precious baby that was stillborn on January 29th it hit me. The reason why the medical community is still baffled is because stillbirth is still STILL a hushed subject. Very few people want to talk about or even remember babies that have died. AND YET if we do not continue to talk about these precious babies, if we do not put a face to stillbirth, it will continue to baffle.

I know I am but one person; however, I strongly believe that we can move mountains on this with the help of God and each other. I believe that we need to make stillbirth something that is as well known as the fight to end childhood diabetes. We need to make stillbirth something that is as well known as breast cancer or heart disease. Stillbirth needs to be brought out onto the main stage and NOT kept in the dark. It happens, it hurts, but it doesn't have to be hushed. We need to work to educate everyone everywhere on the subject of stillbirth so that together we can work towards figuring out how to decrease the number of babies that die each year.

Pray with me on this. Pray with me on how best to bring this out in the open. And please continue to pray for nonprofit that my Uncle is helping me start.

***

So I guess I had a lot more to say, thanks for listening to my ramblings. LOVE YOU GUYS!

OH, one more thing. I wanted to share a new verse that I am working on memorizing. It is Romans 8:24-25
"For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."

Give me patience God.

Amen.

A Prayer Request

2009-03-12T21:04:00.000-07:00

I don't want to divulge too much, but I do want to ask for prayer on a project that I am working on with the help of my Uncle Jim. It is in the beginning baby stages, but hopefully it will be something that will blossom to help many. It's a nonprofit that would be in Parker's name (it would be called Parker's Gift), that's all I really would like to say right now.

So whenever you think of Geoff and I, please say a prayer for this nonprofit.

(Hopefully soon I will be able to tell you more :) )

Thank you.

An Update - Nothing exciting, just normal

2009-03-12T20:48:00.001-07:00

I know it's been a long time since my last post, but in all honesty there is not a lot of new stuff to share. Life has just been pleasantly normal lately.

Geoff and I are still attending grief counseling and it has been wonderful. Willie, our counselor, as I have said before, is a wonderful woman of God who has been a true blessing in our lives. So that's been the same.

Work has been normal as well and we are so thankful for that. Geoff and I work in two fields that, praise the Lord, have not been affected greatly by everything that's been going on with the economy.

Church has been normal and that's a blessing to finally feel fully normal again at church. Eventually I hope to teach Sunday School again, but in the mean time I enjoy being a student and filling in when needed. Geoff has been leading worship and I am blessed every Sunday by the songs he plays due to God's leading.

So that's basically it. I told you it was all pleasantly normal, nothing too terribly exciting. We are feeling more hopefully. We are feeling more light. We are feeling God's presence every day and thinking of our beloved Parker everyday.

***

I am amazed when I think about the fact that this Sunday the 15th will mark 6 months... I am amazed when I think about the fact that this Sunday the 15th will mark a half a year since Parker died... I am amazed and in awe of how God has worked in our lives, filling us with strength and hope. I am amazed, in awe and blessed by how God has drawn Geoff and I so tightly together since our son's death. God is good and I am truly thankful for all that he has done for Geoff and I in these past six months.

And one more thing. I just want to say thank you. Thank you to each of you who have come across my blog, my facebook page or have come across me in person and have mentioned that you have been praying for Geoff and I. It has helped us so much. It is such a blessing to know how many people have been praying for us so thank you so very much!!

You all, each of you, are such a blessing to Geoff and I. We could not have come this far without the support of God, family and all of you wonderful friends.

Feels like Spring...Praise God

2009-03-04T08:50:00.000-08:00

In the beginning...

The clouds hung heavy

The clouds were dark

The rain seemed to drowned my hope

These days of dark seemed to last for so long

Eventually...

The clouds began to part

The clouds began to part and the rain simply drizzled

The rain drizzled and the world brightened

Now...

The sun has begun to shine

The sun feels warm on my face

The sun has broken through the dark clouds

The sun shines amongst the rain causing it to sparkle with every drop

Those days of darkness...

Are becoming less and less

These new days of sunshine, warmth and renewed hope...

Are lasting longer and longer

My soul is light again

My heart is filling again

My God...

Has sustained me

Has moved us from those days in beginning to these days of renewed hope.

Praise God...

For his soulful healing that continues (it is not done, but continues).

For helping Geoff and I remember and lovingly miss our Parker

For he is good yesterday, today and tomorrow.

PRAISE GOD!

Becoming a Warrior with His Help, and His alone

2009-02-21T21:43:00.001-08:00

Grief is a strange beast and anyone who has been through grief knows that. There are moments, situations, comments that cause your grief to come rising to the surface. There are images, sounds, smells that evoke the feelings from those moments of tragedy that initiated the grief. And when you hear those sounds, smell those smells and see those images, you are thrown right back to the first moments of your tragedy.

These situations happen at the most inappropriate, random times. They occur while you are out shopping, eating dinner, or chatting with friends. You'll see a piece of clothing or hear another customer at the restaurant. It will stop you dead in your tracks. Everything around you moving at warp speed, while you simply stand there, stunned.

Your mind wanders to that moment of tragedy. You linger there for a moment, reliving it in your mind. Remember the emotions of the tragedy. In your mind, you want to memorize every thought, word, image of that moment. You don't want to forget. You want to remember every detail.

Then, when you are snapped back to the present, it's as if you have to catch up. You feel separate from reality. You feel as though you are covered with a veil, like a bride. Your emotions are guarded, even hidden at times, which is OK, but this one time, just this once, you want to scream. You want to scream because you are so sick and tired of being jerked around by grief.

Grief doesn't control you any longer, you are through with it. You've had it. You want to jerk grief around like it jerks you around. You want to slap it in the face just as much as it slaps you in the face. You are JUST SO SICK OF IT! But you know, full well, that if you try and run from the grief, it will catch up with you and it will demolish you.

So, just this once, you allow it to jerk you around, but you know that you will work with it. You will allow those moments, situations, and comments to come. You will endure those images, sounds and smells to overflow your mind, but you will not let it take over. You will allow them, endure them and move through them and you will become stronger.

You have to remember that you are a warrior. You have allowed and endured this much and you can do so much more. You are a survivor...

You and Geoff endured the silent doppler and ultra sound. You and Geoff endured the heart breaking news of your son's passing. You and Geoff experienced the pains of labor and made it through his delivery. You and Geoff lived in that hospital room while you held your son who was gone already. You and Geoff walked into that funeral home and passed all of those people who came to say goodbye. You and Geoff sat at that graveside and let go of those three blue balloons. You and Geoff picked out that headstone for your sweet baby boy. You and Geoff packed up his bedding, clothes and you two survived...YOU, Rachel. You and Geoff are survivors. YOU and GEOFF are warriors.

***

Sometimes I have to remind myself what Geoff and I have been through, what we have endured, at such an early time in our lives. So many people will never know what it is to bury their child, and I am thankful for that. It is a grievous task, but let me say this, Geoff and I did not do this alone. Here is how that paragraph above really goes...

Geoff and I are survivors and warriors who made it this far because we serve a God who has gone before and who walks beside us every step of the way.

We serve a God who endured the silent doppler and ultra sound with us. We serve a God who endured the heart breaking news of our son's passing with us. We serve a God who experienced the pains of labor and made it through his delivery with us. We serve a God who lived in that hospital room with us while we held our son who was gone already. We serve a God who walked into that funeral home and passed all of those people with us who came to say goodbye. We serve a God who sat at that graveside and let go of those three blue balloons with us. We serve a God who picked out that headstone for our sweet baby boy with us. We serve a God who packed up his bedding and clothes with us and gave us the strength that helped Geoff and I survive...

We are warriors, because we follow a GREAT and SOVEREIGN God. And because of this, we know that we will not be controlled by grief, but rather we will endure, allow, and move through it with God's strength and his alone. For he has helped us become the warriors and survivors that we are today.

PRAISE GOD!!

***

2 Corinthians 12:9

One Year Ago

2009-02-12T08:27:00.000-08:00

I want to start off by saying thank you to everyone who responded to my "Opening the Vents and Letting it Out" post. I appreciate all of the wonderful words of wisdom. It truly helps to know that I am supported and understood.

***

The second reason for this post is to share with you all that I'm feeling sort of...weird. I am feeling weird because it was on this day, one year ago (February 12, 2008) that Geoff and I found out we were pregnant with Parker. That day is a day that I will never forget. We were so scared and so excited all at the same time. SUCH a range of emotions on that day.

So today I am feeling weird, but I will not allow today to be a sad day. Today I will remember, with fondness, how we were blessed to become parents one year ago. I am a little sad, but I am going to do my best to be happy. I am going to do my best to remember how excited Geoff and I were on that day.

Plus, I will take today, to pray for our next little one. I will pray that God will keep our next little one safe, whenever we are blessed enough to become pregnant again. If you all could pray with me, I would GREATLY appreciate it!!

***

Have a great Thursday and HAPPY BIRTHDAY Mom Harmon and Sarah!!! LOVE YOU BOTH!!!!

Opening the Vents and Letting It Out

2009-02-05T08:50:00.000-08:00

Geoff and I have started grief counseling. We've been doing this for about 2 weeks now and it's been wonderful. Every Monday night we go to Lifeline Pregnancy Center and meet with our counselor, Willie. She's wonderful, a beautiful Christian woman, inside and out. We sit, for an hour, and discuss how we're doing. We cry with her, laugh with her and move closer to healing. It's such good therapy.

At our first session she gave us a book, a Bible study, on grieving. This is the book that we will use during our nine sessions with Willie. The Bible study is written by two moms who both lost babies at 19 weeks and 25 weeks. This is why I'm writing this blog. The Bible study takes an odd look at our loss, and gives a silly reason for why it happened. This is something that has really bothered me lately and I feel I need to vent here.

***

The Bible study starts with a story about a grandma who makes quilts for her granddaughters and gives them the quilts when they turn 20. She gave quilts to her two oldest granddaughters when they turned 20, and her youngest granddaughter was so thrilled to receive hers. She waiting for so long for her quilt, she planned for it, prepared for it and dreamt about it. She was thrilled to receive her quilt. This is how the Bible study story goes. On the day that the youngest granddaughter turned 20 her grandmother came to her house and instead of giving her a quilt, she gave her pieces of fabric, a frame and thread to piece the quilt together. The granddaughter was devastated. She sobbed for what felt like days and days. She tried to talk to her sisters about it, and they were sympathetic at first, but eventually lost interest. Why did she not get a quilt? She had dreamt of her quilt, planned and prepared for her quilt and all she got were pieces to put together. One of her sisters had lost their quilt and the other one didn't even care about hers. Do you see why this story is annoying?

To make a long and irritating story short I'll just jump to the ending, which there really isn't an ending, but anyway. The "end" of the story says that the grandma kept coming back to the house and waited for the granddaughter to meet with her so they could start piecing together the quilt. The story says that the grandma had chosen the youngest granddaughter because she was special! UGH!!

***

Ever since Parker died I have had to hear from people that this was all in "God's plan," that maybe we were chosen because God knew we could handle all of this. This irritates the living crap out of me! I know that I have blogged about this before, but I decided that I've heard this enough and need to get the word out there that in no way is it even remotely comforting to hear that the God of love, the God who protects us would take my baby!!!

Geoff and I, from the moment this happened, realized that God did not do this. We knew, in our hearts, that God did not take Parker. He did not plan for this to happen. I do believe that he allowed it, simply because he is all powerful and could have enacted a miracle. I do believe that, but I do not believe that he took Parker because "it was his time". People that say such things, I believe, have not experienced a loss as devastating as the one we have. Anyone, who can look me in the eye and say that God planned this, is someone who has never buried their child. They are someone who has never had to plan a funeral instead of a dedication.

I cannot understand how it would be even slightly comforting to tell a grieving mother or father that God planned to take their baby. It just doesn't make sense!! It would be like knitting a scarf, only to burn it (rough analogy I know, but still).

***

This past Monday we discussed our views on this quilt story with Willie. We told her that we do not ask God why. We do not ask God why because what is the point? Why wallow in the unanswerable. I will never know why here on this earth, ever. And I am OK with that.

We also told Willie that we have never blamed God because we know that God did not do this. We have never blamed him, because to do so would mean that we have turned away from him in anger and we cannot afford to do that now.

The day we got home from the hospital, Geoff was working in our bedroom with our wireless internet. My brother-in-law Brad came in to talk to Geoff and asked him if he ever felt angry with God and this is what Geoff said, "To be angry at God and to blame him would be the worst thing that we could do at this moment in time. Because we need him now more than ever before."

Here is how the God I know and love works; Romans 8: 28 says, "And we know that God works all things for the good of those who love him, those who have been called according to his purpose."

***

Please understand, I do not mean to sound as though I am scolding those of you who read this, in fact, I hesitated to write this blog, but ultimately decided it was something that needed to be said. This is simply something that I have become very passionate about, so passionate, that I could not let it slide.

I hope that those who read this blog will do so with an open mind, to maybe learn how to better approach those who are grieving. I hope that maybe we can all learn how to better comfort those who have experienced the tragedy of death and in so doing, together we can all become people who offer words of true comfort, rather than words that stab the heart and potentially cause a person to become angry with God.

***

Thanks for letting me vent :)

Grateful Am I

2009-02-02T12:24:00.000-08:00

It's been a week since my last post, and not a lot has happened. Life is pretty much, hum-drum normal and that's perfectly fine with me. However, after saying all of that, I am reminded that grief reared it's ugly little head this weekend.

On Friday Geoff and I came home and relaxed on the couch for a bit before going out and grabbing a bite to eat. For some reason, we started sinking into a bit of sadness and sorrow and began to deeply miss our Parker. We cried on the couch together, and talked about him. It felt good, by the end, but it's always hard during. Then, on Saturday morning, Geoff and I woke up and found ourselves deeply missing Parker, yet again. We laid in bed, held each other and cried some more.

I am not sure what triggers these ugly episodes, but they are not fun, during. It is only after, that we see the benefit of acknowledging our feelings, facing them head on and moving through.

I know that it's not even been 5 months since Parker died, so I have to realize that there will still be hard days. I have to realize that there will still be moments and situations that will remind me of what we don't have. I have to acknowledge that, face it head on and move through it.

We serve a good God who has stuck by our sides since day one and I am forever grateful for that. We serve a good God who has fought off Satan and his team of hooligans who try to bring us down, and I am grateful for that as well. We also serve a good God who continuously brings hope, healing and a bright BRIGHT future and I am TOTALLY grateful for that.

Thank you Lord.

Countdown, New Friends, and Sunshine...GOOD STUFF!

2009-01-21T13:25:00.000-08:00

I know it's been a while since my last post, but I honestly have not had that much to talk about. Life's been relatively normal for these Harmons. Going to work, coming home, ya da ya da.

Right now, I'm simply counting down the months until we can start trying again. I have days where the baby fever takes over and then days where I'm totally OK with it being just Geoff and I (those days aren't very frequent though:) ). This week I'll be going through Parker's clothes and separating out the ones that are unisex from the boy clothes, that way, whenever we do get prego again, I'll have that all together. Seriously, these are simply tasks that make the time fly faster. Ugh! I am not good with waiting, but thankfully Geoff is so he keeps me focused.

Also, these past few days and weeks, I found myself searching for other mommies who had experienced the same kind of loss that I had. I have met several wonderful women who have lost babies due to SIDS or Trysomy 18, but I had yet to meet any women who had lost a baby due to stillbirth. I needed to find them, I needed to connect with them in order to feel normal. So I googled it. I googled TTC (trying to conceive) After Stillbirth and I found my community.

To find a group of women who were walking the same path, or have walked the same path as Geoff and I, is so thrilling and reassuring. Every woman that I have met, who has gotten pregnant again has gone on to have healthy babies and that is reassuring. Also, the women that I have met who are TTC are so helpful to one another. Encouraging one another, lifting each other up and that's a wonderful thing as well. I am so thankful that I have found these women. I am so thankful that I feel comfortable enough to be emailing back and forth with some of them. That's wonderful. I thank the Lord for this small community of women.

So life is pretty normal, other than all that. Nothing too excited as of yet. I will be keeping all of you informed, have no fear.

OH! One more thing! The sun came out yesterday, after nearly a two week inversion. It was so WONDERFUL! I felt myself immediately brighten up and become hopeful. Seriously, I felt like the sun literally burned away the gloom that was sort of covering my days. I am so thankful to see the sun and blue sky once again.

Thank you Lord for the sun! Thank you Lord for that group of iVillage ladies and thank you for hope! Thank you Lord!!

A Little Quick Funny

2009-01-16T12:03:00.000-08:00

There is a member that comes to our credit union quite frequently. We shall call him "Jim". "Jim" is a very sweet man, but sometimes "Jim" says and does things that strike me as irritating at first, but then make me laugh later.

Shortly after coming back to work after Parker's death, I saw "Jim". He knew what had happened and was very sweet. He said he'd been praying for Geoff and I and that he would continue to pray for us. Before he left he asked if we were going to ever try to get pregnant again and I said yes. I then told him that I would keep him posted, smiled and handed him his receipt. This isn't the funny story, that comes a few weeks later.

So a couple weeks later, or maybe a month later actually, "Jim" comes into the credit union again. He comes right up to my window, as he usually does, and looks right at my tummy. I mean, if he had laser vision it probably would have burned a hole right through me. So I catch him looking at my tummy and ask him how his day is going to try to distract him a bit. He looks up at me, smiles and says he's having a great day. Then he says, "How 'bout you? How's your day? Have any good news for me?!" I sit there for a moment, letting the question hang out in mid-air a little while before saying, "Good news?" To which "Jim" responds, sheepishly, "Yeah, you know, any good news?"

Then it hits me, like a silent-but-deadly fart from my big brother Robby (you know, the kind of fart that unexpectedly assaults your nose). I look up quickly, feel my face turn all shades of red, and say, "Uh, nope, no good news today, other than that it's...just...a good day." That's when I think the SBD hit "Jim", because he looks at me and then blushes himself.

I quickly finished his transaction, talked a little small talk and sent him on his way. As he was walking out, I pulled up my pants a bit, in an effort to "tuck in" that bit of tummy that was hanging out and made a mental note to myself to work my butt of that night. (gotta love that)

Now, every time "Jim" comes in, I catch him checking my tummy for signs of life. It's so ridiculous that it's begun to make me laugh.

Oh "Jim" and everyone like "Jim". You just have to roll your eyes, shake your head and laugh.

***

HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYONE!!

A Letter to God, to Parker and to our Future Little One

2009-01-15T08:48:00.000-08:00

Last night, after working out, Geoff and I sat in our car, inside our garage and talked about Parker. Following that conversation I was inspired to write a letter to God, to our son and to our future little one.

***

God~

I sit here today, overwhelmed by the fact that it has only been four months since we met and said goodbye to our beloved Parker Geofferson. I am oddly calm, not near as upset as I thought I would be. I know it's only been four months, but I feel like it has been a lifetime.

He was so perfect, so healthy, so big and yet he did not live. I don't understand, but I won't try to understand. I have grown to believe that you did not cause this and I believe that very strongly. Through these past four months, I have heard several well meaning people say some pretty awful and hurtful things, such as, "everything happens for a reason" or "it was his time". I know that they don't realize what they are saying, but I feel I need to tell them they are wrong. How can you, a God of love, kill babies. I don't believe it.

I believe you comfort Geoff and I when we're hurting. I believe that you walk with those who are grieving and you heal those who are sick. I believe all of that, but I do not believe that you took my Parker. I believe that you prepared the nurses at Mercy to care for Geoff and I. I believe that you prepared Dr. Rudeen to be the best doctor I could have ever imagined during those days in the hospital. I believe that you covered that hospital in your presence. I believe that my hospital room was filled with your Holy Spirit. I believe that you have, are and always will be with Geoff and I as we continue this journey.

I want to thank you God for being a loving God. I want to thank you for giving Geoff and I the strength to walk this path. I want to thank you for going ahead of us and preparing the way.

I also want to thank you for the little ones that you will bless Geoff and I with in the future. I thank you for the hope of new life. I thank you for the courage that you have given Geoff and I, so far, to talk about having more babies. I thank you for filling us with hope and excitement.

We could never have made it this far without you God. You are our Abba, our Papa, our provider and our sustainer. Thank you God.

Your faithful follower

~Rachel

***

To my beloved Parker Geofferson~

Four months ago today you entered our world. You were so big and beautiful. At 35 weeks you weighed more than your two cousins! What a big baby you were! (no wonder I looked as big as a house) :) You had more hair than I thought you would have. You had long beautiful eyelashes that would have made all the little girls at church envious. Your fingers and toes were so long, just like mine. We probably would have insisted on you playing basketball, or the piano. You had your daddy's nose and your mommy's mouth (but you really looked like your dad). I am sure you would have been a mini of him, we would have dressed you like him that's for sure.

You are loved and missed by so many. I wish we could have showed you off in person, but your photos have truly helped to tell your story. That has become my lifelong mission, to tell your story. I have found that God has given me knew direction to help other families who are hurting in the same way that your dadddy and I are hurting.

Parker, you have drawn your daddy and I closer together and closer to God. You truly are that special little boy that Geoff and I prayed and hoped for.

Last night, your daddy and I sat in our car and talked about you. While we were talking about you, we daydreamed about your little brother or sister. We are totally going to brag all about you to them. We are going to make sure that they know who you are.

You are missed, but yet, we feel you here with us, every moment of every day. We love you Parker Geofferson. We are so thankful for that day, four months ago, when we got to hold you and love all over you. We miss you, but we rejoice that someday we will get to see you again.

We love you Parker!

Love

~mommy and daddy

***

To Parker's future brother or sister~

Even though you are not here yet, some day you will be. Your daddy and I daydream about that day when we are ready to continue our family. We daydream about what life will be like bringing you home. We daydream and wonder about what you'll look like. We wonder if you'll look like your big brother, or if you'll look completely different. We already have a name picked out for you if your a boy or a girl. We are so excited and because of that we are slowly preparing to, in the future, bring you into this world.

It may seem kind of silly to write you this letter, even before I'm pregnant, but I wanted to record my thoughts and emotions regarding your eventual birth so that some day I may read this back to you while I hold you tight.

You are not going to be our replacement child, but rather our subsquent, our second blessed baby. You will have some big shoes to fill, but your daddy and I know you will fill them eloquently. I look forward to that day, when all of our dreams come true again. I look forward to the day when God blesses our family once again.

We love you, our future little baby boy or girl.

Love

~mommy and daddy

Have you ever...

2009-01-12T13:51:00.000-08:00

...thought about throwing away the rest of your birthcontrol pills without telling your husband?

Evil I know.

No worries, I'll behave...but it's tempting none the less.

I heard a beautiful song today...

2009-01-09T15:19:00.000-08:00

It's 4:15 in the afternoon here in the credit union. I'm sitting at my computer, browsing People.com when all of a sudden my ears prick up. They are moved to the sound of a beautiful song on the radio, one that I had not really listened intently to before. Have you ever heard the song "Held" sung by Natalie Grant? Well if you haven't, you need to google it or something (I can't figure out how to add a play list to my blog yet). It's beautiful, and the words accurately describe the role that God plays in tragedy...of any kind.

Here are some of the lyrics from the song "Held" written by Christa Wells...
(Verse 1)
Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

(Verse 2)
Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

AAAHHHGGG!!!

2009-01-09T10:41:00.000-08:00

That's how I'm feeling right now, if you can spell out feeling anxious and excited all at once. If you could spell it out I'm sure it would look something like that.

I am anxious and excited and so I need to write. I need to write and get it out of my system or else I think I may self destruct.

I am anxious and excited about our future. Last night Geoff and I talked baby talk and we laid out the plans (which I will not lay out here, becuase I don't want to blow the surprise).

We ARE NOT pregnant, no need to get excited, but you can get excited about the fact that we are making plans to continue our family. That is what we talked about last night.

We have concluded that we are going to plan this pregnancy a lot better then we planned Parker's. Not because we think that will make things easier emotionally, but it certainly will financially :) . So we decided that we should plan this pregnancy and actually TRY to get pregnant, rather then just letting things happen.

I am so excited though. I am so excited and anxious to get going! HA! I hope that's not too much information.

We ARE NOT trying yet, but it will be soon!!!! AAAHHHGGG!!! That's what I'm so excited about. So, now if only the next few months could fly by I'd be golden.

(PS. let's keep this just between us ;) I don't want everyone thinking we are trying just now. And have no fear, once Geoff and I are successfully pregnant again, you all will be the first to know, after family of course.)

Pray for us. Pray that God keeps this feeling of excitement fresh in our minds. Pray that God continues to give me peace about our subsequent pregnancy. Pray that God will continue to shower us with courage, strength and excitement. Thanks friends!!!!

HAPPY FRIDAY AND PRAISE THE LORD FOR HOPE!!!!!

Weird

2009-01-08T10:03:00.000-08:00

I saw a tiny six week old baby boy today...I did OK, but I was kind of shaking the entire time that I was looking at him. It was weird. His mom was holding his blanket, it was a polka dot one from Dwell baby (Target), the same one that I was given for Parker, when I was pregnant. That sort of made it feel all the more weird and sting a little more too. Hopefully that's the last time that emotion happens. I'm sure it won't be...

Seeing this baby boy and meeting his mommy made me think of other weird situations that may come...

It's weird, looking at this baby, knowing that his mom probably assumed that I wasn't a mommy. It's weird knowing that Geoff and I were looked at as parents when I was pregnant, and now we are just a simple married couple with no kids. I wonder how mother's day and father's day will be this year. So weird...

It's weird to think that, whenever we get pregnant again people will probably ask if this is our first and I'll have the awkward task of saying no, or choosing to protect them from a very uncomfortable conversation (for them, not me). That's weird...

It's weird to think that my next pregnancy will be with my second child. Even though we never had the joy of raising our first, we will be parents to a second child. Even though we never were able to take our first home and show him off and be apart of "that club", we'll be having our second child. So weird...

It's weird to think about the day when people ask how many kids we have. Will I include Parker in that number? Or not? So weird...

I guess Geoff and I will just have to figure out how we will navigate these situations.

Blessings...

2009-01-05T09:47:00.000-08:00

I decided it was time to fill you all in on a few blessings.

Yesterday at church Nancy approached me after the service to let me know that she had visited Parker's grave. She said that she and her family had gone to the cemetery to visit her dad's grave and decided to visit Parker's as well. I was touched and blessed to hear this. I love knowing that people are still thinking about him. Thank you Nancy for visiting my son's grave. It means the world to me.

I feel like, because it has been nearly 4 months, people are slowly beginning to forget about Parker, or they are beginning to feel like we are "all better". The pain is still there. It is not severe as it was in those first few weeks, but the feeling of loss is still present. It is such a blessing to know that there are people who have not forgotten. It is such a blessing to know that there are people who still think about our Parker. What a blessing.

Thank you again Nancy, for visiting our Parker's grave.

***

As you all know, Geoff and I celebrated Christmas with my family. While we were visiting them, Kate, my 4-year old inquisitive niece, had a few questions for me.

On Wednesday night, after we had arrived and settled in, Kate asked her first question, "Where's your baby?" I stood there, a little startled and said, "He's not here." She then tilted her head and said, "Where is he?" Unsure of whether or not she could grasp the concept of heaven, I said, "He's right here," (pointing to my chest) "in my heart." Kate responded, very sweetly, "In your heart?" I nodded my head in response, "yup, right inside my heart." That was the end of that.

Then, Friday morning, as I was getting ready for the day, Kate came into my room and asked another question. "Where does your baby sleep?" I stood there, again a little startled, heart racing and said, "What's that Kate?" She asked the question again, "Where does your baby sleep in here?" I looked around and said, "Well...he doesn't sleep in here because he's not here." I thought that would end the questions, but it only prompted another question, "Well, where is he?" This time I felt myself getting irritated, so I snapped, "He's not here, OK Kate. There is no baby." I quickly turned around, facing my back to Kate as I finished getting ready. I felt rotten. I couldn't believe how I had snapped at my sweet niece.

Kate stood in the corner of my room, silently fidgeting with my mom's snowman figurine. Then she broke the silence by saying one of the sweetest things my Kate has ever said to me. Her tiny voice spoke these words, "Well, my sister Annie is a baby, so you can play with her if you want. You can tickle her and love her and play on the floor with her if you want." My eyes began to burn with tears. I couldn't look at her because I knew I would have bawled. I just stood there, putting my Parker necklace on and said in a shaky, quiet voice, "Thanks Katers."

***

Blessings come at the most random of times, like when I'm getting ready in the morning, thinking about a million other things, or when Nancy approached me at church while I was collecting my things to leave.

I love these sorts of random blessings. God is good.

Thank you Lord for these tiny blessings that mean SO MUCH to me.

PRAISE THE LORD!

Scripture

2009-01-02T15:56:00.001-08:00

I thought I would share a few passages of scripture that I have simply fallen in love with.

2 Corinthians 12:9 (all time favorite)
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

Romans 8:28
"And we know that God works all things for the good of those who love Him, those who have been called according to His purpose."

Hebrews 11:1
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

and finally, one that my mom used to quote every year at girls camp and one that will continue to be a favorite of mine...

Jeremiah 29:11
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

***

I love how the message puts Jeremiah 29:11. It reads, "I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for."

I REALLY love how the message puts 2 Corinthians 12:9. It reads, "Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."

I hope that these verses will help you get through whatever tough times you may be going through. I know that they have helped Geoff and I and will continue to help Geoff and I every day along this path.

PRAISE THE LORD!

What Would You Do?

2009-01-02T15:09:00.000-08:00

What would you do if you felt alienated? What would you do if you felt like relationships were breaking down all around you? What would you do if you couldn't find the words to express your feelings? What would you do if you wanted to speak your mind, but your anxieties got in the way? What would you do if you felt like people were pushing you away? What would you do if you felt like people were acting differently towards you? What would you do if other people treated you differently then they did before September 15th? What would you do if you felt like crawling in a hole and never coming out? What would you do if you didn't really feel like being around other people?

What would you do to handle life if you lost your child?

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

What would I do? What SHOULD I do?

Help me today Lord...

2009

2009-01-01T20:21:00.001-08:00

So far, 2009 has gotten off to a great start!

Geoff and I woke up this morning around 8:00am and watched When Harry Met Sally. We then rolled out of bed around 11:00am and got ready for a day of shopping. We went to Luxury Mattress outlet and bought a new mattress (YAHOO!). We then headed off to Target, Old Navy and Bed Bath and Beyond (new sheets for the new mattress). After shopping there we headed to Boise Town Square Mall and finished up our day. After 5 hours of shopping, one mattress and two new pairs of shoes later, Geoff and I are now home, sitting on the couch vegging out. It's been a good day and great start to 2009.

As I sit here, on the couch, listening to Miles Davis' Kind of Blue on my iPod Nano, I find myself thinking about 2008 and wondering about 2009.

2008 was the year of Parker. Geoff and I found out, on February 12th, that we were pregnant. The only reason why I remember the exact day is because it's my sister Sarah's and my mother-in-law Vanessa's birthday. It was on that day, in early 2008, we discovered we were going to be a mommy and a daddy. That's how 2008 started for us. 2009 is already off to a very different beginning.

2009 is going to be the year of faith. Faith in what God has in store for us. Faith in how God is going to lead Geoff and I. Hebrews 11:1 reads "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." 2009 is going to be the year of faith.

In 2009, I have faith that God will continue to heal Geoff and I. I have faith that God will work through the loss of Parker to touch others lives in more ways then Geoff and I could have ever imagined. In 2009, I have faith that God will bless our home with a sweet chubby baby brother or sister for Parker.

2009 is going to be the year of faith and I'm so SO ready!

PRAISE THE LORD!

Pictures of Opie

2008-12-29T14:34:00.000-08:00

Nathan meeting Opie for the first time

(he was a little scared...HA!)

Natalie with Uncle Geoff and Opie, just this past summer

(doesn't he look so happy here? :) )

Geoff and Opie, fast asleep on the floor while we were packing to move

to our new house.

Opie, fast asleep while Geoff and I were doing homework

(at our old house, probably sometime during our Jr. or Sr. year of college)

Opie, riding in the backseat of our Civic

during one of many car rides to visit family in Yakima

My neice Kate, when she was about 1, sitting on Opie

He's so patient.

Geoff and Opie at our first house
(this was taken during our 1st year of marriage)

The GREATEST Dog Ever...Opie

2008-12-29T13:04:00.000-08:00

On Christmas day, my family did something that we have never done before...we went to a movie.

We all piled into our cars and headed to the theatre to see Marley and Me. It was SUCH a good movie. After laughing and crying I was inspired to write a blog about my favorite Labrador, Opie (full name, Mr. Bailey's Opus).

***

Here are the basic information about Opie:
~Opie is a pure-bred, Chocolate Labrador
~His full registered name is Mr. Bailey's Opus
~He weighs roughly 90lbs
~He is our "clearance puppy" (see Marley and Me and you'll get that)
~My parent's favorite nickname for Opie is "Opus Maximus" because he's so big
~I have many nicknames for Opie:
~Opus
~Opie Ropie
~Handsome
~Puppy Roo
~Opie Ropes
~Opie Doo
(just to name a few)

He's been Geoff's faithful dog ever since Geoff was in high school and he has been our faithful dog for the entire 5 years of our marriage. I'll never forget the night I found out I was pregnant. I had come home from work, terrified, with one pregnancy test in hand. I ran in the house, went straight to the bathroom, having only turned on one light in the living room, the rest of house was dark. Opie, and my sister-in-law's dog, Tucker (who we were watching at the time while she was in Argentina) came running towards the bathroom where I was. Both sat right outside the door, waiting for me. After I took the test, Opie walked into the bathroom and sat right beside me while I called my friend Corrie first and then my mom. I sobbed that night, because we were not planning on getting pregnant (however, we weren't really preventing it either). Opie laid his head on my lap while I sat on the couch, talking on the phone with my sister, sobbing. He didn't leave my side that entire night.

During my entire pregnancy that's exactly how he behaved with me. He would follow me all over that house and back. Every time I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, he followed me right there and laid outside the bathroom waiting for me.

I remember that fateful night at the hospital laying in my bed, looking at the ceiling wishing Opie could be there with us. Geoff had to run home to feed him and asked me if there was anything from home that I wanted. I asked him if he could pack Opie in a bag for me and bring him to the hospital. I missed him the most I have ever missed him during those days in the hospital.

When we came home on the 16th, Opie calmly walked up, sat right in front of me and greeted me gently. He followed me all over the house and each place I would "land", whether it was on the couch or in the kitchen, Opie would lay down at my feet or sit next to me with his head in my lap. He never left my side, or Geoff's, during those first few weeks back home without our Parker.

There were a few nights, when I would sit down on the floor next to him, crying and would wrap my arms around him. He's the best comfort for me, next only to my husband.

There was one night, that I was truly impressed with my dog. Geoff and I were sitting on the couch, eating dinner and watching TV. Usually, Opie curls up on the floor in front of the coffee table while we watch TV, but this particular night we couldn't find Opie. I sat up to see if maybe he was behind the easy chair (which is another one of his favorite spots), but he wasn't there either. So I got up and looked in the office, not there. Then I looked across the hall in the nursery, and there he was, curled up on the floor. It touched my heart. He's just the sweetest dog.

When we're happy, he's happy. When we're sad, he's sad. When we need comfort, he's there to comfort us. He's just the best.

I love my Opie, the GREATEST dog ever!

***

GO SEE MARLEY AND ME! (OH, one more thing, there's a scene in the movie that Geoff and I can totally identify with. Every single thing that the doctor and the nurse say is exactly how it happened to Geoff and I. Then, the way that Marley behaves that night is EXACTLY how Opie behaved...crazy stuff, but I felt like they had taken a snapshot of our lives. GO SEE IT!)

Christmas for these Harmons

2008-12-26T22:27:00.000-08:00

Following Parker's death, I found myself dreading his due date, October 19th. However, Geoff and I did so well that day. It had landed on a Sunday. We went to church, had dinner with his parents, like we usually do, and then we went home. It was a normal day, not a single sad thought or emotion in sight.

After making it successfully through that day, I found myself dreading Thanksgiving, to some degree. I was dreading it because it would be the first holiday that we would be celebrating following Parker's death. Geoff and I had no clue how Thanksgiving would be for us. However, when the day finally came, everything was just...fine. It was wonderful, in fact. Grady had invited a friend over for Thanksgiving dinner, BJ had flown in from Arizona, and everything was...fine, perfectly fine and normal.

This gave me hope. It gave both Geoff and I hope that Christmas would be perfectly fine and normal.

As the Christmas season approached, following Halloween...HA, oh just kidding. Anyway, as the Christmas season approached, Geoff and I kept tabs on each others emotions. We constantly asked the other how they were doing, how they were handling the fast approaching Christmas. So far, we were doing just fine. It was great, Christmas looked really hopeful.

December 23rd came fast, this was the night that we celebrated Christmas with the Harmon's before heading off to Yakima to be with my family for Christmas. We arrived at Mark and Vanessa's at about 9:30, following the sad loss of BSU to TCU (sad for Geoff) at the Poinsettia bowl. Geoff and I brought a yummy treat for everyone to enjoy, as well as all of their presents to open. I was so excited to have this early Christmas. We opened everyones presents. A beautiful purse from Stefanie to me, an awesome Ferrari shirt from Stefanie for Geoff, and some other fun gifts as well. It was a great Christmas.

Then, before all the presents were over, Geoff opened up a shirt from his parent's. It was a shirt that Vanessa had purchased for Geoff when I was pregnant with Parker. It has a white background with a bunch of different black guitars on it. She bought the same shirt for Parker, only his was black with white guitars on it. Geoff was with her when she bought them, and knew that he would have to wait until Christmas to have it. The night we found out Parker had died, Geoff thought about those shirts. I think he was sort of excited about that gift in a bitter sweet sort of way. When he opened it, on Tuesday night, he was so excited to finally have that shirt. He then asked his mom about Parker's and if she still had it. Grandma Precious, went downstairs and brought it up, still wrapped in it's Target bag. We opened the bag, pulled out the shirt and held it up to look at it. So stinkin' cute! We decided to take it home and save it for the next little one we have. We decided, boy or girl, they will wear it.

It was a great great Christmas with our Harmon family. There wasn't one single sad thought in sight for us. No "poor us" feelings at all. It was a night full of happiness, laughter and good times had by everyone there. I praise the Lord for a good Christmas with our Harmon family.

That night, Geoff and I opened our presents to each other, then packed up and got ready for our trip to Yakima.

At 11:00am we ventured out on the highway and headed to Yakima to be with our Russell family. We drove over icy roads, through snow showers and zero visibility and finally arrived safe and sound in Yakima. We were greeted by our 4 year old niece Kate, jumping off my mom's lap and squeezing us tight, what a wonderful welcoming. That night, Christmas Eve night, Geoff, myself, mom, dad, Keri and Robby, played a rousing game of Pit, laughed until we cried and were just plain loud. It was a classic Russell family gathering, complete with lots of food, fun and laughter. Geoff and I played with our nieces, 4 year old Kate and 14 month old Annie. We giggled with them, tickled them and loved on them like any other good aunt and uncle. We were so thrilled to be there. At about 11:00pm we all crawled into bed and fell fast asleep.

The next morning, Christmas morning, I got up at around 7:00am, went into the living room and drank some coffee with my big brother Robby and my dad (one of my favorite things to do with them). We sat in the warm living room, I marveled at the tree and all the gifts, and giggled with Annie bell. At about 8:15am Brad and Sarah arrived to open presents with us. We ripped through each and every gift, filling mom and dad's living room with the torn remnants of wrapping paper. Gift after gift was opened. Ooo's and Ah's were heard all around. It was a great morning.

About halfway through the opening of the gifts, mom was handed three tiny boxes wrapped in red and white gift wrap. Each box was for mom. One was from Kate, one from Annie and the last one was from Parker. It was a gift that Keri and I had spoken about shortly after Thanksgiving. This was mom's Grandma necklace. Inside each of the boxes held the child's birthstone. It was precious. We all cried a little as mom opened each box. It was absolutely beautiful. Then following the opening of these three boxes, mom opened the gift from Geoff and I.

Shortly after Parker died, I decided I wanted to get my mom and mother-in-law the same necklace that I have, with one minor difference. Instead of having just Parker's name on it, I wanted all of their grandkids name's on them. So Geoff and I got Vanessa a necklace that has Natalie, Nathan and Parker's name tags on it as well as a pearl, and for my mom we got her a necklace that has Kate, Annie and Parker's name tags on it with a pearl. Both mom's loved the gift. It's something that Geoff and I cherish them having as well.

***

Christmas has been wonderful for Geoff and I. We have cherished everyone blessed moment with our families. We made an effort this year to make sure that Christmas was a joyous time. We didn't want to allow it to get eaten up in sadness.

I have always considered myself to be a "Glass totally full" kind of girl, and I wanted to hold true to that this Christmas. Geoff and I wanted to make sure that we didn't bury our emotions, but at the same time we wanted to make sure that our emotions didn't bury us. We wanted to experience the joys of Christmas that we have every single Christmas of our lives. We wanted to fully experience the joy of being around family. The joy of Christmas morning. The joy of giving and receiving. Ultimately, we wanted to be free of all sadness and grief, so that we could allow the true joy, the true joyful message of Christmas to resonate within us. We wanted to allow for the BIRTH of our Lord Jesus to be something that we didn't think about with pain, but rather with joy in our hearts, because that is what Christmas has, and always will be about for us, no matter what season of life we are going through.

Yes, we miss Parker, everyday we miss him and think about him But do we dread life even without him here? No. Do we dread the holidays since his death? No, not anymore. We look forward to more children, who will grow up knowing all about their big brother, Parker Geofferson Harmon and who will also grow up knowing the joy that, because Jesus came to this earth, they will some day get to meet their big brother face to face...

PRAISE THE LORD!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

I Love Dr. Rudeen!!

2008-12-15T09:16:00.001-08:00

Ever since Parker's death, I have discovered just how blessed Geoff and I are to have Dr. Rudeen as my OB/GYN.

On Thursday, Geoff and I went to visit with Dr. Rudeen about getting pregnant again. We had discussed this with him before, shortly after Parker's death, but I needed to hear it one more time.

Thursday, the 11th, at 4:00pm, Geoff and I met with Dr. Rudeen. We sat down, in the same exam room that we had always met with him, and discussed the risks of getting pregnant again.

Dr. Rudeen started off by addressing the normal risks associated with women my age and health level. Being that I am 25, have excellent health and blood pressure, and because I'm slightly overweight (working on that), I have the same risks as any other woman. I have the same risks, as any other woman, of having a baby with Downs Syndrome (1/600). Also, I have the same risks, as any other woman, of having a baby with a genetic defect of any kind (1/500). *whew*

In terms of having another stillbirth, my risks levels are slightly higher than the average woman simply because of my history. He then quickly followed up by saying that my chances of this happening again are very minute. *whew*

Then, Dr. Rudeen, continued by telling me that, once I get pregnant again, I have the choice of having an Ultra Test performed. This is where, between 9 and 12 weeks, Dr. Rudeen would take a sample of my blood and test it against several different genetic disorders. If the test comes back, showing that the baby has some sort of disorder, then I have the option, at 15 weeks, of having an Amnio. performed. Geoff and I aren't sure if that is something we plan on doing. Seeing as how Dr. Rudeen has no concern of us having a baby with any sort of genetic disorder, Geoff and I, more than likely, will not have this test performed.

Following the talk of testing, Dr. Rudeen went on to tell Geoff and I that he will perform extra ultrasounds for us. He will also, in the second or third trimester, have me take a non-stress test as well as hooking up a heart monitor to my belly to monitor the baby's heart. According to Dr. Rudeen, all of these will be performed for my peace of mind and not because he has any concerns of this happening again. *whew*

Finally, Dr. Rudeen stated that, due to Parker's size at 35 weeks (6lbs. 3oz.) the chances of Geoff and I having large babies is strong (Parker would have been upwards of 8lbs or more). Dr. Rudeen predicts our subsequent children weighing anywhere between 7 - 8lbs. Because of this fact, and also because I had a somewhat hard labor (2 1/2 hrs - 3 hrs of pushing), Dr. Rudeen is planning on inducing me between 10 to 14 days earlier than the baby's due date. This does not upset me one bit, in fact, it feels kind of like opening Christmas presents earlier! :) Plus, he plans on taking the next baby early to help with any anxieties I may have as the due date draws near. Dr. Rudeen also went on to say that, if I have any difficulty with the next delivery, he will not hesitate to perform a C-section (which also does not bother me). He said he wouldn't hesitate simply because of our history and the stress we've already been through.

All in all, it was a very reassuring and comforting doctor's visit. Dr. Rudeen simply stated, at the end of the appointment, the chances of us having another stillbirth is very very minute. He also stated that he will be treating me as high risk, simply for my peace of mind. As we were leaving the exam room Dr. Rudeen, stated once more, that we will definitely be able to have healthy, living babies and lots of them. *whew*

Following the appointment I felt like I was floating on cloud nine. Geoff and I were so happy with how positive the appointment had been. Whenever the day arrives, where Geoff and I are ready to start trying again, my fears will be minimal. I will have God and Dr. Rudeen walking Geoff and I through every step of that pregnancy, I simply cannot wait! :)

Praise the Lord!!

Faith

2008-12-15T09:12:00.000-08:00

The definition of Faith according to Webster's dictionary: 2 a (1): belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2): belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion 2 b (1): firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2): complete trust

***

Wednesday evening I made a decision to live IN faith. I have concluded that there is no better place or way to live, then by faith and faith alone. That is the only way that I will be able to survive another pregnancy. That is the only way I will be able to stay sane during my next pregnancy. So today, I tell you all this, so that I can be held accountable. Accountable to live IN my faith.

Let me explain a little further how I came to make this decision.

On Wednesday of this week I was talking with a friend of mine about the dream that I had and how I have been praying for our future little ones every chance I get. Then she brought up something that I have never thought of. She said, "You just need to have a little faith baby." It literally blew my mind. She then went on to say that I should thank God for the babies he will give Geoff and I. That I should thank God for the healthy children that we will bring home from the hospital.

So from this day forward, that is just what I plan on doing. I plan on living in faith and hope. Having faith that God will provide the things that Geoff and I hold dear to our hearts and hoping for the best.

Praise the Lord!!

Parker's Headstone

2008-12-09T20:39:00.000-08:00

Here are the pictures of Parker's headstone. We decided that the music notes were a perfect representation of Geoff and I and what we had dreamed for Parker. The verse 2 Corinthians 12:9 is the verse that we have lived by since loosing our dear Parker Geofferson, it reads:

"9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

Oh What a Dream...Hopefully It Will Come True

2008-12-09T14:23:00.000-08:00

Just a quick one...

Have you ever awoke from a dream that made you lay there and say, "I hope that dream comes true"? In third grade I had a dream like that. It was of this boy, my crush for that particular week, we were playing on the playground and he ran up and kissed me. Then he grabbed my hand and asked if I'd like to be his girlfriend. Next thing I know, my mom's calling my name, telling me it's time to get up for school. *Poof* the dream is over. I desperately wanted to either sleep forever or have that dream come true, unfortunately neither happened. I went to school that day and the dream never came true.

Last night, I had another dream that made me lay in bed this morning hoping it will come true. The dream goes like this...

...I'm sitting in a chair holding a newborn baby. The baby looks similar to Parker, but I know that it's not Parker. The baby is wearing a red outfit. In my dream I can feel that the baby is very chunky and heavy (which is such a treat!). In my dream I can also see that the baby has just a skiff of hair. I'm not sure if the baby is a boy or a girl, but in my dream I'm feeling like it's a boy. Anyway, as I'm holding the baby, with one hand under their head, and the other under their rump, I'm staring at the baby's belly making sure it's breathing. In the background I hear Geoff say not to worry, that everything will be fine. I keep staring at the baby, examining the baby's face and then looking at the belly again to make sure the baby is breathing. Again, in the background Geoff tells me not to worry. Then the baby starts to cry, I can't hear the cries. I start to rock the baby gently as it slowly calms down and falls asleep. I continue to hold the baby, afraid to put the baby down, watching the baby's belly fall and rise. Geoff tells me, once more, that everything is fine and that I should let the baby sleep. That's it. The end. The alarm blared loud and I woke up.

What a beautiful dream. This was one of the most reassuring dreams I have had since Parker died. When I was pregnant with Parker I never had a dream like this. I never dreamt of holding Parker, never dreamt of having him here with us. So to have a dream of another baby, possibly one of our future little ones, is so SO reassuring!! Praise the Lord for reassuring dreams.

A Beautiful Moment & A Beautiful Tribute

2008-12-09T12:03:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, on facebook, my girlfriend Corrie left me this message, and I just HAVE to share it here.
(Just a little background: Corrie and her husband David attend our church and they have a sweet little girl named Alexandria, who I believe is around 18 months old.)

"I went to see your Parker today. His headstone is beautiful. The music notes are a perfect reflection of you and Geoff. I'm sure Parker would have been a great musician/singer like his parents, he wouldn't have had a choice :) Alexandria was with me and she was really cute. She stood in front of the headstone and reached down and gently patted it as if to say "hello". They would have been great friends, I'm sure."

I cherish messages like this. Thank you Corrie and Alexandria for visiting my Parker and sharing this beautiful moment.

Finally, here is the note that was left at Parker's grave by Gretchin.
(pictures of his headstone will be posted tonight)

"Parker, I know it is supposed to be your "Birth" day. We will miss you and remember you even though we never met. Your parents are faithfully trusting God to help fill the void they are feeling. They are in my prayers. Many Blessings to them as God is with them minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, for all eternity."

I cherish tributes like this, to my Parker. Thank you Gretchin for the beautiful tribute.

Have a great day all :) I know I am so far :) and HAPPY BIRTHDAY KARA! :) :)

Packing up Hopes and Dreams...For Now Anyway

2008-12-05T14:24:00.000-08:00

I wrote the previous post on December 1st, in hopes of having people ask questions, but I was completely blown away by the responses. Not at all what I was expecting. I am blessed. Blessed by each and every one of you that chooses to read my blog. You have no idea how it refuels me, and reinvigorates me. It truly helps to keep me going. So thank you.

This past week has been a great week, in all honesty. Geoff and I have experienced quite a few things that, to me, show how well the healing process is truly going.

Last Saturday, Geoff and I went to Kohlerlawn and visited Parker's grave for the first time. I wanted to wait until the headstone went in. Some time on Friday it was put in, so we decided to go and see how it looked. It's beautiful and perfect in every way. As Geoff said, as we stood there looking down at his headstone, it's exactly how we wanted it. I'll be posting a picture of it soon.

We arrived at the cemetery at about 2:00, Saturday afternoon. The drive to the cemetery was a little weird for me. The last time I drove this route was the day of the funeral, September 18th. A few strange feelings developed, but never really amounted to anything more than nerves in my stomach. As we pulled into Kohlerlawn and pulled up to the section where all the little babies are buried, I was flooded with emotions and moved to silence. Geoff and I quietly got out of the car and walked slowly through the graves towards Parker's. We approached the grave and stood in silence looking down at his beautiful headstone, still covered in plastic to protect the fresh cement from the elements. Above Parker's headstone was the white basket that carried the flowers from his grandparents. Inside the basket, now lays a box, a sweet blue and white deer and a bundle of fake white flower buds. When I saw the deer and white flower buds I figured they were from Betty Mitchell (who lost a baby 50 years ago, her name is Roni Lou and she's buried on the same row as Parker) because the same deer and white flowers laid on her daughter's grave just down from Parker's. I also knew that the basket was from the grandparents flower arrangement, but I could not figure out who the box was from.

I knelt down by Parker's grave, picked up the plastic box and opened it to reveal it's contents. Inside the box were the ribbons that were left after all the flowers died following the graveside service. Also in the box was the banner that laid across the grandparents flowers that read, "Beloved Grandson". Then there was another item in the box, it was a beautiful note that was written to Parker on his due date, or his "birth" day. I read the note and tears welled up. What a beautiful tribute to my beloved Parker. I plan on going back to the grave this weekend to take the note and post it here. It's something that I will cherish. I had no idea, at the time, who could have written such a wonderful tribute. I assumed that it had to have been Betty, but then realized who it actually was.

Ever since Parker died, Gretchin, our churches administrative pastor, has been visiting Parker's grave. She goes there and makes sure it's cleaned up and looking nice. She is the one who put the box together. She kept all of the ribbons and the banner. She is also the one who wrote that beautiful note. Sunday I thanked her for the beautiful note and asked if I could steal it away from the grave. I will post it here later.

After shedding a few tears and talking about how surreal this all was, Geoff and I headed out for the rest of our day. We had coffee at Flying M, shopped for Christmas presents and went out for dinner. It was a good day, but overhung a dark cloud that was filled with the sadness of Parker not being with us. The dark cloud had formed while visiting his grave and stayed with me the rest of the day. I tried to shake it off, but it just wouldn't leave. Instead of trying to drive it away, I sat under it and allowed myself to grieve a little.

The next day was Sunday. Geoff and I went to Sunday school and church, had dinner with his parents and then came home. We decorated the tree and then relaxed in front of the TV. Geoff had fallen asleep on the couch beside me, exhausted after leading worship that day. I decided, while he was sleeping, to get to work packing up Parker's room. I figured it would be an easy task, and one that I could do by myself.

I grabbed the bins that we had purchased the night before and began to fill them with his clothes. I was doing just fine until I ran across the onesie that my parents had purchased for him at Cracker Barrel the day we found out we were having a boy. It read, "Little Slugger". I held it tight, then quickly folded it and laid it in the bin. Right away I found another onesie that we purchased that same weekend. This one read "Grandpa's my Hero". I looked it over, folded it gently and laid it in the bin. I kept coming across more and more onesies that held special meaning for me and reminded me of specific events during my pregnancy. With each onesie that I came across, my pulse would quicken, my heart would pound, and my face would redden. Finally, it was like my body couldn't take it anymore. I began to breathe heavy, and felt like my chest would cave in, but no tears. I leaned on the dresser, trying to catch my breath. I called for Geoff, "Honey! Babe!! GEOFF!!! I NEED YOU!!!!" Out of his sleep, he jumped up from the couch and ran into the nursery. He asked me what I needed. I fell into his arms and wept for just a little. He told me I didn't need to do this right now. He said that I could take a break, that I didn't have to pack up the entire nursery in one night. It was too late, I had to finish what I started. So I dried my tears, kissed my Geoffrey and continued with my task.

Now, in his nursery, there sits two full bins, an empty crib and changing table, his stroller and his car seat. Eventually, those will be removed and stored in the garage until we are ready and pregnant with the next little Harmon.

Just like the headstone finally being laid at Parker's grave, packing the nursery felt like one more piece of closure. I look forward to being able to revamp that room. To creating a beautiful guest room or an oasis of some kind. I look forward to having a "blank slate" so to speak. An empty room to begin with that has so much potential. But I also look forward to the day, when we can put it all back. The day when Geoff and I will put the crib, changing table, stroller and carseat back in that room. I look forward to that day, but for now, the bins are packed, and the furniture sits, waiting to be put away...temporarily, thank you Lord.

PRAISE THE LORD for helping Geoff and I thus far and into the future! Praise the Lord.

And PRAISE THE LORD for each and every one of you that has lifted Geoff and I up and carried us through this! Praise the Lord.

2 Corinthians 12:9

I Want to Know, So Tell Me!

2008-12-01T22:46:00.000-08:00

Do I write about this? Do I "broadcast" this across the internet? I have learned that sometimes I need to refrain from writing certain things on this blog. So do I write about my "blah" feeling anyway? Do I open my soul and tell you what's really making this "blah" feeling? I have always said that I want to be an open book, but is that a good thing? Is it a good thing to let people in? Should I just stop writing and start talking with people? Do you understand why I'm having these "blah" feelings? What do I do? This is worse then hormonal emotions during pregnancy.

This is what I have concluded...

I'm not saying a word. I have said quite a lot. I have told you how Geoff and I have been dealing. I have tried to paint a picture of our grief and how we are doing. I have tried to be as open as possible with the good, the bad, and the ugly of grief. But have I said enough? Have I painted a good enough picture? Have I let you all in enough? Do you all understand? Do you know where I'm coming from and how Geoff and I are REALLY doing? I honestly want to know.

So I ask, to everyone who reads this (all two of you..HA!), is there anything I have not shared that you still want to know? Is there any "stone left unturned" that you would like to have turned over? What do you want to know? What would you like to ask? I am open and ready for whatever questions you may have, so bring 'em! Write them down and I will do my best to answer them. HIT ME! I'm ready...seriously...ask me anything and I will do my best to answer the question to the best of my ability.

I'm ready!

A Simple Request

2008-11-24T12:18:00.000-08:00

Just a short one today...a prayer request.

Geoff and I have talked, quite a bit lately, about when we will start trying for baby #2 (a topic that I usually bring up). We have decided that we want to wait a while for several reasons. However, once we are ready I know that the fear of the great "what if" will be looming overhead. We are nervous about this happening again, even though the odds of this happening again are less than 1%. Dr. Rudeen has reassured me, on two seperate occasions, that we will definitely have healthy babies. This was a fluke, a freak accident, a terrible tragedy, but even so, I worry about it happening again. Dr. Rudeen has delievered roughly 4500 babies in his 28 years of practice and has never had this happen to the same woman twice (so encouraging), but I worry that I may break that run. I think to myself, if I could be that 1 out of 200, then why couldn't I be the 1 out of 4500?

I tell you all this because I need your prayers. Geoff and I need your prayers. We are both excited to start our family again, but we are nervous. So, when you think of us, please pray for our next baby. Please pray that Geoff and I will be calm through the next pregnancy. Please pray that God keeps us and our future little one safe. Please pray that our next baby will be healthy. Please pray that our next little one will be able to come home with us. Please pray for Geoff and I and our subsequent baby. Thank you :)

In Honor of Thanksgiving

2008-11-21T16:31:00.000-08:00

My Ode to Thanksgiving...

I am thankful for...

...Geoffrey's warm hugs.

...Opie's protective spirit.

...My two sets of parents (Bob & Amarie, Mark & Vanessa).

I am thankful for...

...Ben & Jerry's Half-Baked.

...Starbucks Grande extra-hot Lattes.

...Panda Express Orange Chicken.

I am thankful for...

...belly achin' laughter.

..."that's what she said".

...Stewie.

I am thankful for...

...sisters who live in other states & countries but feel so close (Sarah, Keri, Stefanie, Ashley).

...Aunts, Uncles, Cousins & Grandmas who have covered Geoff & I with their love & prayers.

...a big brother who appears tough, but is just a big softy who loves his little sisters.

I am thankful for...

...Kate and Annie.

...Natalie and Nathan.

...all the little ones at Lakeview Nazarene.

I am thankful for...

...a warm home.

...a stable job.

...a reliable paycheck.

I am thankful for...

...ALL of our church families.

...old friends who, no matter how long it's been, when you see them, it feels like no time has passed.

...new friends who feel like they are becoming better friends.

I am thankful for...

...delicious turkey.

...hot steaming stuffing.

...cranberry sauce (you know, the kind that, when it comes out of the can is still in the form of the can...mmm...delicious).

I am thankful for...

...the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade.

...24 hour marathon of A Christmas Story ("You'll shoot your eye out!") on PBS the day after Thanksgiving.

...24/7 Christmas music beginning the day after Thanksgiving on Light FM with Delilah (not thankful for Delilah...)

But most of all, this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for my Parker and my God.

I am thankful for 35 beautiful weeks with Parker. I am thankful for his kicks, hiccups and dances. I am thankful for meeting him nearly 3 months ago. I am thankful for Parker Geofferson Harmon.

I am thankful for having a relationship with my beloved Savior Jesus Christ. I am thankful for his steadfast, unending grace, love and protection. I am thankful for his strength and for everyday-right under your nose-blessings.

I am thankful for all of you. All of you that have touched our lives through the loss of our son Parker and through the love of our big, all powerful, all knowing, all loving, so AWESOMELY WONDERFUL God!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!! (a few days early...I know, but still...)

What an Awesome God!

2008-11-20T13:07:00.000-08:00

God's pretty funny...here's why...

Nearly two weeks ago, Geoff and I bought a gym membership at the REC center. We felt it was a good idea to do something good for ourselves. PLUS when you work out, it releases positive endorphins, so that's a good thing. Anyway, we purchased our gym membership and then signed up to take a fitness test with one of the trainers who would help us set up a workout program.

On Saturday, the 15th of November, Geoff and I went in and took our fitness tests. The results were not surprising in the least, we are both horribly out of shape (SHOCKING!). Geoff went first and then I followed right after. The test includes recording your current weight, blood pressure, BMI, flexibility, strength and cardiovascular health. All the tests are pretty easy except for the cardiovascular test.

For this particular test, they strap a heart monitor to your chest and have you ride the stationary bike for 12 minutes. Every 3 minutes the resistance on the pedals increases, causing you to have to work harder. When Geoff took it, I harassed him telling him that it looked really easy so why was he panting so hard; however, when it was my turn I found out why. IT SUCKS! That thing pushes you so hard! I honestly thought I was going to die! I pushed and pushed and wanted to quit! My heart was working so hard! So wouldn't you know that after all that my results ended up not getting recorded by the computer. Basically, all that pushing and panting was for nothing!

I couldn't take the cardiovascular test again right then because the results would not have been accurate, I would have to wait until later. So Jennifer, our trainer that was administering the test, decided that I would retake the cardiovascular test when I came in to set up my program. I arranged to come in again on Tuesday night and retake the test and set up my program with Jennifer.

Tuesday came fast and I was really excited to finally get an exercise program started. At eight o'clock that night I arrived at the REC center, went straight back to the trainer's area and got right to the test. I had been pedaling for nearly 4 minutes when Jennifer started asking me about what I was wanting to get out of my workout. I told her that I wanted to loose weight and tone up. She asked if I had a goal weight in mind. For some reason, the only way I saw to answer this question was to tell her that I just had a baby, which then led to telling her about Parker. She sat, in shock, jaw dropped and silent. I finished by saying, "All that to say, I would like to get back to at least my pre-pregnancy weight." Jennifer was still sitting in shock. Finally she said, "Wow, um...OK. WOW!" Then (and this is the part where God is so funny) Jennifer says, "OK, this is going to be kind of awkward, but my husband is a pastor, so". I nearly fell off the bike. I quickly interrupted her and said, "No way! That is so awesome! My dad's a pastor and so is my father-in-law!" Jennifer brightened up, eyes widened and says, "Oh well then you're covered! Where do they pastor?" So we began to talk.

Evidently, she and her husband had been music/youth pastors in Florida for 12 years and were called to Christian Faith Center in Nampa this past June as ministers of music. We talked for the duration of the bike ride and sat and talked some more after that before venturing out into the weight room. When we were done working on my exercise program Jennifer said that she and her husband would be praying for Geoff and I.

God is funny, not in like a "ha ha that's funny" sort of way, but rather a "huh...that's funny" way. I am floored that, the trainer that I just happened to get assigned to is a Pastor's wife. The trainer that helps me start up an exercise program just happens to be a christian and someone that I can talk openly with. What a blessing!!

God is pretty funny, and that's why I love him. He places people along our paths that he knows will help brighten our days. He does things for us that he knows will make us smile.

God is SO good!!

PRAISE THE LORD!

Soul Cleansing: A feel good kind of hurt

2008-11-14T10:20:00.000-08:00

So it's been almost two weeks since my last post. Life in the Harmon house has been totally normal. Nothing too terribly exciting, just...normal. Which is great! However, this doesn't mean that the bad days are done; because those, I am discovering, are part of being normal. The other day I was reminded of just that.

As I was driving home from work, the sadness hit like a ton of bricks.

It had been a relatively good day, but all day I had this nagging feeling. A feeling of emptiness, that I suppressed. I pushed it back and did my best to ignore it, did my best to pretend it wasn't there. I didn't want to feel sad. So I suppressed the emptiness as best I could.

I focused on work, chatted with friends on gmail, updated my facebook and ignored the emptiness. A little before 6:00 Linnea and I locked up for the night and headed home. I got in the car, turned on the Vince Guaraldi Christmas CD that I had listened to on the way to work, hummed along to a few songs and decided that I wanted to listen to Selah instead.

As the CD got started I turned up the volume to fill the car with sound. I sang at the top of my lungs the lyrics of You Raise Me Up and before I knew it, that feeling I had been suppressing all day reared their ugly head once more; however, this time I could not suppress it any longer. I tried choking back the tears, I tried to wipe them away, but it simply didn't work. They flowed. They flowed long and hard. I cried from the bottom of my toes. It was a cry that made me feel like either my chest would cave in or I would throw up. It was a hard hard cry. I let it all out. I hit the steering wheel and yelled out to God. I cried out, "DAMMIT!"

My Parker is gone! My baby is gone! My baby, that I carried for eight months, is gone. My Parker, that Geoff and I prepared for for eight months is gone. This made me mad.

This cry was a cry of anger. Since loosing Parker, I had not had a cry of anger. I had cried out in sorrow and grief, but I had yet to cry out in anger. I wasn't angry at God, I was just...ANGRY! Angry that I don't have my boy. I was ANGRY, DAMMIT!

I hit the steering wheel until my hand ached. I cried until I felt like my body would collapse. I bawled. As I cried, yelled and cursed, I prayed. I talked to my God, my Abba, my Papa. I talked to God, asked him to draw near and hold me tight. I told him the desires of my heart. I told him about my desire to have more children, children that I could bring home from the hospital, children that Geoff and I can hold, and raise. I told God that Geoff and I want to be a mommy and daddy to a baby that is with us on earth. I cried a deep, painful, cleansing cry.

I calmed down right about the same time that I pulled into the garage. I walked through the door and went straight into the kitchen where Geoff was cooking dinner. I stood in front of him and let him wrap his arms around me. He held me while I cried some more. I told him I was mad and he said it was OK. I told him I want more babies, babies that I can hold and kiss, and he said he did too. I told him I hit the steering wheel, he asked if it helped and I said it did. He's so good to me. He dried my tears and said that he could hold me while he stirred the soup, which made me laugh.

The evening ended much better then it had begun. After my good, soul cleansing cry, my heart felt light and my mood was much better. The emptiness that had been nagging me all day was gone. It was replaced by hope and happiness.

Geoff and I ate dinner together, watched our favorite show (Friday Night Lights) and headed off to the REC center to work out. After working out for an hour and a half (and blowing off major steam) we came home and collapsed into bed.

***

Crying is hard, especially crying like that, but it's so cleansing and SOUL cleansing. I find that once I get it out of my system I seriously feel ten thousand pounds lighter. Talking to God, while I cry, also helps. It helps because I can tangibly feel him coming alongside and wrapping his arms around me.

So today, even though I still miss my son, today is easier because Wednesday's cry is one less cry that I have to endure. The feelings that bubbled up Wednesday may come back, but they don't have to come back today. God is with me, walking beside me. God is with Geoff, walking beside him. That's what helps me know that I can face whatever feelings come my way and be triumphant.

God is good.

PRAISE THE LORD!

2 Corinthians 12:9

Oh the Beauty of Democracy

2008-11-04T08:51:00.000-08:00

Today has been a good day so far...

I awoke this morning at around 5:50 having a coughing fit. I hate the tail ends of colds, they seem to hang on forever. I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep, but I simply couldn't. I laid there, eyes open, staring into the dark bedroom deciding if I should get up or simply possum sleep. I closed my eyes and drifted back into sleep. The alarm blared at 6:50am. Geoff jumped up, darted to the alarm clock and reset it for 7:10am, 20 more minutes to attempt peaceful sleep. At 7:10am the alarm blared once more, this time I stumbled out of bed, hit the alarm and got in the shower. After finishing my shower, I woke Geoff up, made coffee and finished getting ready for the day.

Today is election day (hence the getting up earlier then I really needed to to avoid big crowds at the polls). I love election day. I found myself being filled with nervous excitement. Today is the day that the world will change for the next four years, based on one man being moved into the highest office in the US. I love being apart of this process.

At about 8:05am I grabbed my lunch, coffee and purse, headed out of the house and down the street to my polling location. The parking lot was full and overflowing onto the side streets. The church, where I was voting, was overflowing with people only five minutes after the polls opened. It was great. The air was so thick with excitement that you could almost taste it. I stood there, thinking about how great it was that I was exercising my democratic freedoms. I love election day. I love voting.

I finally made it inside the building, after about 20 minutes of standing in line. I walked over and updated my registration information, I then was instructed to get my ballot and place my vote. The time had come. I was about to become apart of the democratic process. I was about to make my voice heard. I was so excited!!

I looked through the ballot first, read through all the names and causes and then began filling in the bubbles. I scribbled so much in the bubble for president that it almost ripped through. I wanted to make sure that the bubble was filled in completely so that my vote was counted. I then moved on to the senate positions that were up for voting, then onto district court judge, county commissioner and several other miscellaneous issues. It was great, I was voting!

I filled out the entire ballot, went back through my decisions and closed the envelope. I walked over to the table where they were collecting ballots. Handed them my updated information and then slipped my ballot in the box. The woman at the table announced, "Rachel Harmon has voted." I beamed from ear to ear. I grabbed my "I VOTED" sticker and bounded out the door.

I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs that I had voted. I wanted to throw my arms up in the air and shout "YES I VOTED!" I was so proud.

It never fails, every time I have voted, whenever they say, "Rachel Harmon has voted" I find myself getting choked up.

Do you realize what a privilege it is? Do you realize, women, who fought for you to gain the right to vote? Do you realize what a long road they traveled in order for us women to gain this right? I am so proud to be a free citizen. I am so proud to be able to freely express my rights, such as voting. I love that I am able to be apart of this process, how ever tiny my part may be.

Oh the beauty of Democracy!

I headed off to work after voting, got off the freeway in Boise and went straight to Starbucks to pick up the free tall brewed coffee that was rightfully owed me for voting. When I walked in, the girl at the counter asked, "Did you vote?" I moved my coat aside to reveal the "I VOTED" sticker on my shirt and said proudly, "Yes I did!" She clapped her hands and said, "YAY!" I beamed! She poured my coffee and handed it off. I passed several people on my way out and smiled at each and everyone of them.

I am so proud,

Proud to say that I voted,

Proud to say I exercised my rights,

Proud to be apart of this Democratic process!

Oh the BEAUTY of Democracy!

Ripping Off The Band-Aid

2008-11-03T10:10:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a hard day.

Sunday morning started just like every other Sunday, the alarm clock blaring at 7:30am to wake me up, getting in and out of the shower, waking Geoff up at 8am, rushing through hair and makeup and then heading off to church at 8:35am. But this Sunday was different then the past few Sundays. We packed up the bassinet and Baby Bjorn, that David and Corrie let us borrow, to give it back to them at church, that was hard, but needed to be done. Plus, we were going to be at Sunday school for the first time since Parker's death. I wasn't really looking forward to this Sunday, at all, but God was near and Geoff was there to hold my hand.

We pulled up to church, Geoff ran in to get set up for sound check, and I quietly followed behind and sat in my pew. I talked to God a little. Asked him to help me through that day. Asked him to be with me during Sunday school and the rest of the day. I needed his strength yesterday more than any other Sunday because I was going to face a group of people that I hadn't faced in quite a while.

9:30 came a lot more quickly then I thought it would. I waited for Geoff to finish up with his worship stuff so we could go to Sunday school together. We walked into class, found our seats and got settled in. I felt so awkward being there. I wanted to get up and run out. I wanted to run to my car, drive off to Flying M and hide there until Sunday school was finished. I wanted to be anywhere else in the world. However, I knew that if I left and avoided those people that I would simply be denying myself the right to work through these hard emotions.

Here's the deal, I want everyone to hear this, if Geoff and I don't face these hard days, if we aren't around and in the situations that make us uncomfortable, then we will never be able to heal.

It's like this...

Say you have a nasty cut, I mean really nasty. You put a band-aid over the cut because that makes it feel better. You keep it covered because you're too afraid to feel the pain when you take the band-aid off. You protect your cut from everything. You put a plastic bag over your cut when you get in the shower, you favor it during daily activities. Eventually your cut never heals, it simply sits there and festers.

This is what would happen if we never faced uncomfortable situations. We have to rip the band-aid off. We have to let air get to the cut and it's going to hurt sometimes, but we have to let the wound heal.

So what does this mean? This means that we don't need people to be fearful of telling us things. This means that we need people to treat us like normal. What does THAT mean? It means treating us like Geoff and Rachel. Talk to us about life, things that are going on in your life. Ask us about ours, ask us about Parker, ask us how we're doing. Be ready for us to maybe cry, but also be ready to laugh with us. This is all part of healing. You can't protect us. We have to face life. We have to experience things that are going to be hard for us. We can't avoid this, and we shouldn't avoid it. The band-aid must come off and we must heal. If you are uncomfortable, then tell us. Talk with us, be honest with us about your emotions and we'll be honest about ours.

I say all of this because things happened yesterday, that I can't really go into very deeply, but things were done by people who felt they were handling it correctly; however, it simply made it hurt more. They thought they were protecting us, helping us, but they were simply holding the band-aid on.

I know I need to offer some grace here because many people have never felt the devastating loss that we have. However, it is important for them to learn. It is important for those of you, who may not know how to behave around us, to learn to simply communicate. Be honest with us. Be honest with us about not know what to say. The other day I had a member come into the credit union. He walked in and came right up to my desk and said "I have nothing to say and no way to understand what you're going through, but know that I'm praying for you." This touched me so much. I was moved by his vulnerability. I was moved by his honesty. He didn't try to use eloquent words or pretend to understand. He didn't try to empathize with me. He simply stated the truth. He was honest with me and that allowed me to feel comfortable with him.

I am not looking for people to understand what Geoff and I are going through, because I know that there are only a select few that truly do. I am not looking for people to have the right things to say, because that's simply not fair.

I am looking for people who want to be vulnerable with me. I am looking for people who are willing to learn. I am looking for people who to want to listen. I am looking for people who want to be around Geoff and I when we talk about Parker. That's what I'm looking for.

As I sit here writing this, there are only a few people, outside of our family, who Geoff and I feel we can be ourselves around. They know who they are. They are the people that have approached us, in person, have genuinely asked how we're doing and have seen our tears. They are people who have allowed us to heal by being honest with us regarding hard issues. They are people who we cherish and want to be around more. We hope this group of people grows. We hope that, with time, people will become more comfortable with us.

I just need to know how to tell these people what Geoff and I need. I need to know how to approach them. I'll figure something out, and when I do I hope the outcome is favorable. I hope that it will make things better and make things feel normal for them.

***

One final thought. A couple of days ago, my mother-in-law Vanessa gave me a verse and it has truly helped in all this. It's from Romans 5:1-5, here is what it says.
"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, becuase God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

Praise the Lord for what he has instore for Geoff and I.

Feeling Crummy Is Never Fun

2008-10-30T13:00:00.000-07:00

Today's been a weird day...

I woke up this morning feeling like crap. My nose was plugged solid and my head was so congested I thought it would explode. I did not want to get out of bed, but I knew I needed to go to work. Geoff was feeling just as crummy and if he could go to work then so could I. So I slowly got out of bed and ready for the day.

Today's been one of "those days". Those days that just sneak up on you out of nowhere. One of those days where you just can't seem to shake off the yucky feelings of sadness. Maybe it's because I'm sick, or maybe...maybe it's just because.

I miss Parker today. I miss my baby. I miss feeling him kicking inside me. I miss seeing his face. I miss feeling the reassuring hiccups and jabs. I miss Parker. I miss holding him for that little while in the hospital.

And I'm sad. I'm sad that I don't have Parker today. I'm sad that I won't see him when I go home. I'm sad that I won't be able to scoop him up out of his crib and love on him. I'm sad that I can't show him off to all my friends and family. I'm sad that my Parker isn't with me. Today's been a hard day.

Maybe it is this yucky cold. Maybe I'm feeling blue because I can't breathe out of my nose. Maybe I'm blue because I haven't gotten a good nights sleep in the past few days because I've been coughing every five minutes. Maybe I'm blue because my laugh sounds like the laugh of a person who's been smoking 10 packs a day for 80 years. Who knows, but I'm blue today. I wish I could just think happy thoughts and not be upset anymore, but that's just not realistic. I just need to ride the wave of emotion.

I know that I can choose to be happy. I know that I can read scripture and be comforted, or listen to my Selah CD and feel better. It's just that I will always miss my Parker. I will always have part of my heart that will be stained blue.

Part of me thinks that if we have another baby that I will feel "all better," but I know that that can't be a fix-all. I need to grieve the loss of my boy and today is one of those crappy days. One of those days that I simply have to live through in order to move on to the next day. Today is one of those days where, once it's done, I'll feel strong again. I'll feel strong again because I've fought the battle of this day which makes me stronger for tomorrow.

God is near, I know this to be completely true. I feel his Holy Spirit sitting beside me, walking through this with me. Geoff brought up something that I want everyone to hear.

When speaking with Dr. Christopher he was asked when he felt nearest (is that a word...it is now) to the Holy Spirit? Geoff sat and thought for a while and said he couldn't think of one time and he was bothered by that. However, when he was recounting the story to me it dawned on him that the reason why he couldn't think of one time is because there hasn't been a moment where we haven't felt the Holy Spirit. Knowing that makes today a little easier. Realizing that as I sit here feeling sorry for myself, the Holy Spirit is sitting right beside me, comforting me. Knowing and realizing that God is cheering me on and wanting me to have a good day comforts me.

I'll make it through today...with God's help. I may even make it through today with no tears, either way, I'll make it through. I'll get through today and be a little stronger. I'll be a little stronger for the next hard day and as I make it through today I'll be one step closer to a new normal. One step closer to our future. One step closer to wanting to be pregnant again. One step closer to being...happily me.

2 Corinthians 12:9
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

Feeling weak today God, I need your strength.

Praise the Lord.

I Love Family

2008-10-29T16:07:00.000-07:00

Today has been a good day, except that I have been really sick, but other than that, it's been a good day.

This weekend, Geoff and I ran away to be with my family. We left right after I got off work on Thursday, grabbed dinner at Arby's and headed out. It was almost 7pm.

I hate taking this trip in the dark. It is the longest loneliest trip in the pitch dark. You have no idea where the sky ends and the horizon begins. I found myself being comforted by semis and the taillights of passing cars. I hate driving to Washington in the dark.

As we drove, I could not help but find my mind drifting towards thoughts of Parker. I was consumed with thoughts of, if he had lived we probably wouldn't be taking this trip. However, if we had decided to bring him, he would have been loved on all over. In fact, I found myself smiling as I thought about how mom and Aunt Claudia would have passed him back and forth between the two of them.

At a little before midnight we pulled up to mom and dad's house. They were standing in their doorway waiting for us as we parked the car.

It never fails, every time I go home to my parent's I feel like I'm a little girl again. I love it! I can't really put my finger on why or what provokes this feeling, but it just happens. I love it!

We unloaded our stuff, and got settled in. On our trip, we brought with us Parker's hand mold that we were giving to my parents. It had traveled the 300+ mile trip, safely tucked into it’s own little compartment. I gently took it out of the compartment and brought it inside. My parents, both, gasped at it’s beauty. My mom cupped her hands around it’s base and quietly took it to it’s resting place. I followed closely behind, as if, in a way, making sure it arrived safely.

She opened the door to the secretary and nestled it in amongst the precious china. What a perfectly beautiful spot. Mom and I stood there for a moment, beholding the sweet beauty of his precious little hand. We talked about how perfect it turned out and then stood quietly for a little while more. We then embraced and headed back to the living room. We chatted with mom and dad for a bit and then headed off to bed. This was one of the few nights that I didn’t have to take Tylenol PM to sleep.

The next morning I awoke at about 7:45am. Dad was awake, making breakfast for mom who was getting ready for work. I stumbled out into the kitchen, grabbed a mug and poured myself some coffee. Dad asked me how I slept, I told him fine. We then talked about the day ahead. Mom ate her breakfast and then headed off to work. Geoff got up around 8:30, grabbed some coffee while we talked with dad for a while. After breakfast, and about an hour of talking, dad headed off to work. Geoff and I started getting ready for the day.
At 11:00am Geoff and I met dad at his office, made color copies of Parker’s scrapbook for mom, and then headed out to Subway to grab lunch for mom.

After lunch dad took Geoff and I to his favorite coffee shop in downtown Yakima called North Town Coffee. We sipped on our lattes and talked. Dad asked us about our first support group meeting, which then lead to a very touch subject for me…how Idaho “handles” stillbirth and late term miscarriage.

Truthfully, this topic is a whole other blog post, but I have been provoked. I have been provoked because I have heard enough stories and have become so upset that I have decided something needs to change. I’m making this a mission (this is what my dad, Geoff and I talked about). I want to see how I can convince Idaho to acknowledge that Parker was born. Then, once I conquer Idaho, I’ll get to work making it a nation wide law…(small goals, baby steps)

We sat and discussed how I could get that started. Dad gave me some awesome ideas. I plan to get right on that very soon.

After coffee, Dad went back to work, Geoff and I shopped for birthday presents for Annie and Robby. At about 5:30pm we headed off to Robby and Keri’s house. I could not wait to get to my beloved Seattle and see my sweet nieces.

I love being around family. There is something truly therapeutic about being around people who know you better then anyone else. I also love how I can simply unwind and be myself with them. I don’t have to worry at all about what I say or how I act. It’s great. I love being with family.

We arrived at Robby and Keri’s house around 8:00pm. Keri, Annie and Kate greeted us at the door. Brad and Sarah arrived shortly after we did. We all convened downstairs in their family room. We talked, laughed and reconnected. Then, we went upstairs and had mom open her presents (her birthday was October 15th). We then sat around some more, talking and laughing. I love being with family. Around 10:00pm mom and dad headed to Aunt Claudia’s house, Brad and Sarah headed to grandma Neeley’s house and Geoff and I settled in at Robby and Keri’s. Keri got Kate and Annie ready for bed (I tried to help), while Geoff and Robby played video games. I laid in bed with Kate and read to her and then started dozing off.

At about 7:45 the next morning I woke up to the thundering sound of Tanner and Barclay (Robby and Keri’s yellow labs) running through the house to go outside. I went upstairs to find my brother working on breakfast while Keri corralled the girls. I sat at kitchen table, sipped my latte and talked with my brother.

I love my siblings. Ever since Parker died, my siblings have proven to be so wonderful. I know it’s something to be expected to have family close by at times like this, but I am still blown away that they came as fast as they did and stayed as long as they did. I love my siblings Robby and Sarah (and their spouses). I love that they cared and still care so much. I love my big brother Robby and my big sister Sarah.

Robby and I talked about a lot of stuff, but mainly about his friend who had recently experienced a loss and about Parker. Keri joined in the conversation after a while. I shared with them about how our support group meeting went and how much I cherish that resource. We also talked about when I get pregnant again and then talked about some of my frustrations with how Idaho handles stillbirths. It was a great conversation. Before we knew it, it was almost 9:30am and people would be arriving soon. I hurried, woke Geoff up and started getting ready for the day. Mom, dad, Brad, Sarah, Aunt Claudia, Uncle Tim, Amy, Grandma Neeley and Uncle Steve all arrived around 11:00 to help celebrate Annie’s first birthday.

Before the party started, I had an opportunity to bring out Parker’s scrapbook that my sister-in-law Ashley so lovingly made. I also talked about Parker’s bench that we bought for the corner where Parker’s tree is. I passed the scrapbook around and showed photos of the bench. It was great, but a part of me felt like I needed to be careful to not overshadow Annie’s birthday. So eventually, after about a half hour or so, I took the scrapbook and the photos of the bench and put them away. Annie opened her presents. She got such cute stuff, mainly clothes. It was a great birthday.

Towards the end of the presents, I found myself getting upset. What was happening? Why was I getting upset? I went into the kitchen to try to retreat from the birthday. I started loading my plate with food. My mom approached me and asked if I was OK. I couldn’t look at her. I quietly said, “Um…I think I will be.” As soon as I began to talk the tears welled and I couldn’t fight back the emotion. I walked over to the furthest corner of Robby and Keri’s kitchen and tried to burry my sadness there. I cried. I cried for Parker. I cried for his first birthday that we would never ever celebrate with him here on this earth. I cried. I cried because I had a baby and didn’t have him here with me in the physical sense. I cried.

My mom hugged me, as did Keri. They both asked if this was too much for me, and I immediately told them no. I wanted to be at my nieces first birthday. I wanted to help them celebrate. I didn’t want to rain on anyone’s parade, certainly not my nieces. I dried my tears and tried to compose myself. My Aunt Claudia gave me a hug and I was OK. Then my brother walked in, squeezed me and didn’t let go for a while. I love my big brother. He squeezed me and asked if I was upset because of the Parker’s Root Beer that they purchased at Safeway. I laughed a little and told him no, that there was no real reason why I was crying, this kind of thing just creeps up from time to time. I finally composed myself when Geoff walked in. I saw that he was upset too. We talked quietly, for a bit, in the kitchen. I could tell my family wanted to give us space, but at the same time stay close. They handled it perfectly.

Eventually, Geoff and I started to feel better. He went downstairs and finished his battle with Robby, I stayed upstairs, cuddled my sweet niece Annie and rocked her to sleep. At around 2:00 or so in the afternoon, mom Aunt Claudia, Amy, Keri, Sarah, Kate and I all piled into Aunt Claudia’s van and headed off to Nordstrom’s Rack.

We laughed and talked over each other the entire ride there. It was a loud good time, classic loud Copple fun. I love my family. Whenever we get together it’s just loudness and mayhem, but organized loudness and mayhem…sometimes. Any member of my extended family could easily describe how that van ride was without even being in the car. As I sit here writing this, I can still hear the noise from that ride and Kate’s sweet “excuse me…excuse me everyone,” such a fun trip.

We shopped for a couple of hours, grabbed coffee at a local bakery and then headed back to Robby and Keri’s around 4:30. We all gathered at Robby and Keri’s, ate chili, talked some more, said our goodbyes and then headed our separate ways.

Before headed back to the highway to drive home to Yakima, mom and dad wanted to make a pit stop at Grandma Neeley’s house. We visited with Grandma for a while, looked at old family photos and then headed back to Yakima.

We pulled up to mom and dad’s house at about 11:00pm. Mom, Geoff and I sat in the living room and talked until 1:00am. We talked about Parker and how the day turned out being harder then we thought it would be. We also talked about Christmas. Mom suggested that we take the money we would have spent on Parker and use it to help a child or family in need. That’s what we have decided to do. We are going to find a child or a family in need and help make their Christmas special through the loss of our son Parker. I cannot wait. I think it’s an excellent idea.

The next day was Sunday. We worshiped with my parents at their church, went out to lunch at Olive Garden and then said our goodbyes. We left Yakima at about 4:30pm and got home to Idaho around 9:30pm.

It was a great GREAT weekend.

PRAISE THE LORD!

Little Tidbits

2008-10-21T14:03:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to share some things that have happened in our lives lately. Things that I like to think of as bright spots. Some of you have already heard some of these funny/embarrassing/sweet moments, but I thought I could share them with everyone on the worldwide web :) So here goes...

***

This story is a cute story from one of Geoff's third graders

Geoff went back to work a week after Parker was born. The principal of the school had sent out a letter to all the parents telling them about what had happened with Parker and asking them to share with their children. This was to avoid any awkward questions from children. Anyway, when Geoff arrived at school the kids hugged him and told him they were sorry. It was really sweet. Geoff appreciated every hug. One child's sentiments stood out. A third grader approached him, patted his back and said, "Tough luck buddy."

Geoff's initial reaction was irritation; however, when he came home that night and recounted the story to my mom and I, we all three busted up laughing. It has become a catchy phrase with Geoff and I. Now, whenever we're feeling frustrated with anything, we simply pat the other on the back and say, "Tough luck buddy".

***

When we found out Parker's heart had stopped we called my mom who then called all my siblings. Keri and Robby came as fast as they could and brought with them my 11 month old niece Annie and my 3 year old niece Kate. This story occurred one morning while I was putting my makeup on and getting ready for the day.

Kate: "Aunt Rachel, when is Parker coming back?"
Me: "Well...Parker won't be coming back Kate."
Kate: "How come?"
Me: "Because he's in heaven and he really likes it there, because it's a really nice place."
Kate: (shrugs her shoulders) "Oh, I've never been."

***

This story occurred just recently following my doctors appointment yesterday.

I walked into WalMart yesterday (sorry dad) to pick up a few things for the house and some goodies too. While I was there I realized that I needed to pick up some Tucks pads and hemorrhoid cream (I am not ashamed, it's a common thing that occurs during delivery). Anyway, while I was heading towards the register I saw Grady, his friend Jay and Jay's girlfriend walking into WalMart. Grady saw me right away. I thought, "Oh crap". I quickly covered up my hemorrhoid cream and Tucks pads as best I could.

Grady, Jay and his girlfriend walked up and started talking to me. I felt my face turning a bright shade of red and sweat beginning to bead up on my forehead. I was so mortified. I think I may have even said something about "You don't want to see what I'm buying." Which of course is like telling someone "DON'T LOOK!" What does that do? It simply peaks their interest.

So I held my arm over my items in an attempt to not attract attention. Jay asked if we were having a party and I said no (must have been the two bags of Brach's pumpkin candies). Then Grady must have asked what I was buying, so I told him, in a whisper, "hemorrhoid creme". He then asked what that was for and I said, in a whisper, "I have hemorrhoids!" To which he replied, "Oh, I didn't need to know that."

I stood there for a while, trying to make small talk, and finally said, "Whelp, it's been real." I turned and ran toward the nearest register and made my purchase.

***

I love life.

PRAISE THE LORD!

Don't Forget...

2008-10-21T12:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday (Monday the 20th) and today have been good days.

Yesterday Geoff and I went to our first SHARE of Idaho meeting. SHARE of Idaho is a support group for parents who have lost babies due to Miscarriage, Stillbirth, SIDS or early infant loss. There are also parents who have had to make the difficult decision of whether or not to save the mom or the baby (a very difficult decision I am sure).

The meetings are held at the Women's Life center near St. Luke's in Boise. It's a beautiful old house (probably built in the 20's or 30's). We sit in the living room and share the stories of our losses. Some of the women there have had years to grieve their loss. One woman's son would be 4 years old this year. Other woman's daughter would be 11 this year. While other's have had very recent losses. Geoff and I have only been grieving our loss of Parker for five weeks, while another woman lost her daughter in June.

Each of our losses are different. One woman lost her baby due to underdeveloped lungs and therefore could not survive on his how outside the uterus. Another woman lost her daughter due to an underdeveloped brain that didn't allow her to live outside the uterus either. Another woman had experienced several miscarriages (each prior to 8 weeks) after trying to get pregnant for decades. Myself and one other woman had had stillborn babies. With all of these differences we have one thing in common, we never want to forget.

We come to that support group to help each other grieve and to find a safe place to talk about our babies. That is something, aside from our losses, that we all have in common. We need a place where we can meet with other moms and dads and discuss our healing. A place where we can vent freely about frustrations we are having. A place where we can freely share our fears and concerns. A place where people will listen because they know exactly what your saying.

They (the facilitator and other women who have been attending this group for a while) said that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. That there is no time line. That the way we grieve is different from person to person. After hearing that I found that it was totally OK to have bad days or hard moments. I also discovered that it is totally OK to have good days and times when I don't feel depressed.

I am so thankful for this support group. It was a serious blessing to go there last night.

***

One of the many blessings that came out of this support group is how receptive they were of Geoff. He came with me last night, and turned out being the only guy there. Each and every one of those women made him feel welcome.

All too often the dads are forgotten. All too often the dads are looked over. All too often the dad's grief is completely ignored. This usually is subconsciously done by those around us. They don't realize that Geoff is grieving just as deeply as I am. They don't realize that his pain is as great as mine. They don't realize that he misses his son just as much as I miss him.

A lot of people tend to believe that because he didn't carry Parker for 8 1/2 months that he doesn't hurt as bad. That is wrong. Some people may think that to talk to Geoff about how he's feeling might make him feel more uncomfortable. That is wrong.

Don't forget the dads.

I say this with feelings of anger and frustration welling up inside me. I want to fill this blog with CAPS LOCK ON AND !!!!! EVERYWHERE! I am frustrated at how the dads are looked over.

The dads hurt just as bad as the moms. They cry for their children just as much as the moms do. They miss their children just as deeply. Their pain is just as great.

Remember the dads

Ask the dads how they're doing.

Reach out the dads.

To let them know that you are thinking about him, or remembering him in your prayers means so much. To let them know that you are willing to listen to them, means so much. To let the dads know that you haven't forgotten about them means SO much. To validate that they have lost a child too, means so much.

Dads hurt too.

Dads grieve too.

Dads have lost too.

Geoff lost his son, Parker Geofferson too.

Don't forget the dads...

...because they haven't forgotten.

***

Pray for the moms.

Pray for the dads.

Pray for the grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.

Pray for each member of the family touched by this loss because they all are greiving too.

And don't ever forget...

PRAISE THE LORD!!

Birthdays and a Bench

2008-10-20T10:50:00.000-07:00

This weekend was a great weekend, PRAISE THE LORD!

Yesterday, October 19th, marked Parker's due date. Yesterday, several people were worried how Geoff and I would be doing. Geoff and I didn't even know how yesterday would go. Thank the Lord, it went really well.

Saturday we went to the Farmer's Market and bought a bench for his memorial corner. It's beautiful. It's made from old barn boards. So perfect. It's 4 1/2 feet long and fits perfectly underneath his October Glory tree. Every single leaf on his tree has turned a dark crimson red. It's gorgeous. It's almost as if it happened overnight. So now, Parker's corner is complete. I'll be taking pictures soon and sharing them with everyone.

Off and on, on Saturday, Geoff and I talked about Parker and our subsequent children (subsequent children are those you have after having a stillborn baby). We discussed how we would introduce Parker's little brother or sister to him. How we would bring out his scrapbook on his birthday and share the pictures with them. It's strange to think of how we will remember him on his birthday. It's strange to think about because it's simply one more thing that I have to get used to, introducing our subsequent children to a brother they will never meet here on this earth.

***

On Friday we had Mark and Vanessa over to watch the BSU/Hawaii game and celebrate Mark's birthday. Towards the end of the evening Vanessa and I went into Parker's room. I wanted to show her his memory box. We opened the lid and knelt on the floor beside it. I wasn't sure if I should pull everything out or if we should simply pull out what we wanted to see.

Gradually, as we knelt there, we ended up pulling out his ultrasound picture album and flipping through that. While we were looking at his ultrasounds I had mentioned that I was scared to get pregnant again. She reassured me (as have my parents and my husband) that it's totally normal to be scared. She said it's like getting in a car accident (keep reading). When you get in a car accident, the first thing you are scared to do is get back in the car. The more you do, the easier it gets. Then, it's hard to drive down the street your accident was on. Again, the more you do, the easier it gets. She then suggested surrounding myself with women who have had stillborn babies and then gone on to have subsequent children. She said the more I'm around these women, the more excited I will become about being pregnant again. Just like being in the car accident, the more I drive, the easier it will be. The more I drive down that street, the easier it will get. The more I surround myself with people who have seen the other side of this grief, the easier it will be to imagine Geoff and I on the other side.

In all honesty, we want to have more children. I want to be pregnant again. We want to start as soon as possible. BUT at the same time we want to wait. We want to heal. We want to grieve completely. So we will wait. We will surround ourselves with women who have healthy children since their loss. We will become more hopeful, and then we will start trying again.

***

2 Corinthians 12:9

A Tribute to My Geoff

2008-10-16T14:30:00.000-07:00

Today has been a good day. PRAISE THE LORD! Two good days in a row, that hasn't happened in a while.

***

I felt it was due time that I wrote a tribute to my Geoff. To let the world (or at least everyone who reads this blog) know just how much I love him.

Geoff and I met during our freshman year of college. We were part of the same worship band, had several mutual friends and were in the same freshman seminar class. After several days of flirting, chatting over AIM and just being around each other we started dating. I have several wonderful memories from those days. My favorite is when Geoff and I went on one of our first dates (before we become "official"...I love that term) .

Geoff asked if I wanted to go on a drive with him and, of course, I said yes. We jumped in his truck and left campus. We were headed toward Lake Lowell, but some how, he got lost. He began to panic, just a little. He kept asking me if I was scared and I said no. Even though I told him I wasn't scared, he did his best to sound like he knew where he was going. The number of houses on the road became less and less as the clock ticked closer and closer to midnight...curfew for NNU freshman. Eventually, I saw a highway sign that read Nampa - 5 miles. We followed the sign and made our way back into Nampa. It was on this drive that I learned how Geoff truly felt about me. He told me that he was intimdated by my beauty. I love that memory. I remind him of it as often as possible.

Another fun memory is of another one of our first dates. This was truly, the first date we ever went on together. I had been thinking about Geoff quite a lot leading up to this. I had been talking to my roommate Tauni about Geoff non-stop. Finally, she told me that I needed to call him, but I didn't have his number. It was then that I remembered that Geoff's roommate, Forets, had given his number to the entire 2nd floor. So I ran downstairs to the 2nd floor, and hollered that I needed Forest Fisks number. Several girls handed me the slip of paper that had his number on it. I grabbed one and ran back upstairs to my dorm room. I picked up the phone and dialed his number. Geoff answered and I stalled then blurted out that I had cabin fever and needed to get out of the dorm. He agreed to meet me outside Ford Hall in 10 minutes. After hanging up I quickly changed into a cute little outfit, spruced up my hair and makeup and ran downstairs to meet Geoff. We walked around campus and talked about everything, even the number of kids we wanted to have. It was great.

After about an hour of walking around campus, we decided that we were hungry and headed off to McDonald's. We shared a six piece chicken nuggets meal (that I ate most of) and talked some more. I remember him asking me if I liked to eat, and I said "OH yeah!" He asked me, excitedly, "Do you like steaks and buffets?!" and I responded, "Of course!" We then talked about what it was like being Pastor's kids. It was great. I didn't want to leave, but curfew was edging close and McDonald's was starting to close. We headed back to campus and decided that we didn't want the evening to end. So he ran into his dorm room, grabbed a back of crunchy M & M's that his mom had sent him and came back out to the truck. We sat, ate M & M's and talked so more all the way until 11:58. I ran to Ford and he ran into Culver. We got on our computers and talked on AIM into the wee hours of the morning. What a great date.

On September 26th we "became official" as the NNU community puts it. Almost a year later, on my 20th birthday we were engaged.

He took me out to dinner at Macaroni Grill and then took me to his parent's house. There we ate my favorite dessert, Peanut Butter Pie that he made for me and drank sparkling white grape juice on a blanket spread out in his parents side yard. It was then that he had me open my present from him. It was in a beautiful bag, with a white box that held a black velvet ring case. My heart was beating so hard that I thought it would jump right out of my chest. I don't remember what he said. All I remember was that he told me he loved me more than anything and wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He took my ring and slipped it on my finger. We cried and hugged and I just kept saying yes. It was one of the best days of my life!

On June 5th of 2004 Geoff and I got married at Yakima New Hope church of the Nazarene. Our dad's officiated, our siblings were our bridesmaids and groomsmen (except for my friend Amy and Geoff's old roommate Forest). It was a real family affair and a WONDERFUL day! My favorite memory from our wedding is when Geoff surprised me with a song. It's a Steven Curtis Chapman song I Will Be Here. I cried and so did Geoff. Then, when he was done, I looked at our dad's and whispered, "can I kiss him?" To which my dad replied, "we're trying to hold that off for as long as possible." Everyone laughed. That day was the best day of my life.

I love my Geoff. Through our 4 1/2, nearly 5 years of marriage, I have grown more and more in love with him. We have grown closer and closer as a couple should. He is my best friend. My only lover. My knight in shining armor. He is my prine.

These past few weeks since Parker's death, I have realized how much of a blessing Geoff is to me. He has been so incredibly strong, and yet, he has shown me his vulnerable side as well. I am forever thankful for him. He knows how to hold me when I need to be held. He knows how to make me laugh when I need to laugh. He knows how to love me when all I need is his love. He is my Bambino.

I love my Geoffrey

***

As I was working on this blog, I googled I Will Be Here and was blown away by how applicable the lyrics are to our life these days. Here are the lyrics...

Tomorrow mornin' if you wake up

And the sun does not appear

I...I will be here

If in the dark we lose sight of love

Hold my hand and have no fear

'Cause I...I will be here

I will be here...

When you feel like bein' quiet

When you need to speak your mindI will listen

And I will be here

When the laughter turns to cryin'

Through the winnin' and losin' and tryin'

We'll be together

'Cause I will be here

Tomorrow mornin' if you wake up

And the future is unclear

I...I'll be here

Just as sure as seasons are made for change

Our lifetimes are made for years

I...I will be here

I will be here....

You can cry on my shoulder

When the mirror tells us we're older

I will hold you

And I will be here

To watch you grow in beauty

And tell you all the things you are to me

I will be here

I will be true

To the promise I have made

To you and to the

One who gave you to me

I...I will be here

And just as sure as seasons are made for change

Our lifetimes are made for years

'Cause I...I will be here....

We'll be together

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

2008-10-15T14:13:00.000-07:00

Today is a good day.

I have felt good all day. I woke up feeling good. Got ready for the day feeling good. Drove to work feeling good. Laughed with my coworker, so hard I thought I'd pee my pants. It's been a good day. And guess what, today Parker would be a month old. Today is a good day.

You're probably wondering why I'm having such a good day, on the day that marks my son's 1 month birthday? Well here's why. I rejoice because a month ago today I met my son. I held him. Kissed him. Loved him. One month ago today I saw his sweet little face for the first time. One month ago today I got to feel what it was like to become a mom. One month ago today I met my son and it was good. Those are beautiful memories.

I thank God for that day, September 15th. I thank God that I was able to see him. Hug him. Kiss him. Love him. I thank God for being able to meet my son Parker Geofferson.

***

Today is also national awareness day for lost babies. This day, around our nation and the world, women will light candles at 7:00pm in remembrance of their babies that they have lost due to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or early infant loss. Today I remember and celebrate Parker. Today I will light my candle and say a prayer for all the families that have lost a baby.

On Angie Smith's blog (audreycaroline.blogspot.com) she had women leave comments that had lost a baby. There were over 1200 comments left on her blog. I was amazed at how many women had experienced a loss of some kind during pregnancy. Most of the comments were from women who had experienced a miscarriage. Did you know that 1 out of 5 pregnancies will not end in a live birth! That's not a very comforting statistic, but it goes to show how many families are touched by this. That means that 20% of women will experience a loss, whether a miscarriage or stillbirth.

So today, I will celebrate Parker and I will celebrate the lives that have been lost. I will pray for them and for their families. Today I will light my candle.

***

Today is my mom's birthday. She'll be....well I won't tell :) She'll be a year older, we'll say that :)

I'm so thankful for my mom. She's the best mom a girl could ask for. She calls and checks on me quite frequently these days. I'm thankful for that.

Last night she called and I cried on the phone with her. She sat and listened to me tell her all about my hard day. Then, after Geoff and I got back from dinner she called again. This time Geoff was able to complain on the phone with her, and she listened. Then I got on the phone and she told me all about her TERRIBLY FUN suprise birthday party and then she listened to me complain some more. I love how she allows Geoff and I to be total "Debbie Downers". She's the best mom in the world (HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM...if you're reading this).

For the past few days I've been shopping for a birthday card. One that will say the right thing. I don't want one that will make her cry, I seem to find TONS of those. I want one that say just the right thing in just the right way. So...since I can't seem to find it at hallmark (shocking) then I'll have to make one myself. I'll work on that today, I'm usually late sending cards anyways (my brother's birthday was October 6th and I still haven't sent him his card...and if mom's reading this, she'll probably call me and tell I need to send him one, or she'll tell me that I can just wait until Annie's first birthday party...love you mom :) ).

***

Today's been a good day.

Filled with good laughter,

Good conversation,

Good memories,

A birthday for mom,

And my God close by.

Happy Birthday MOM!

Happy One Month Birthday Parker!!

PRAISE GOD FOR FAMILY TODAY!!

PRAISE GOD FOR ALL THE BABIES!!
(both alive with us and those angels in heaven)

PRAISE GOD for HE IS SO GOOD!!

2 Corinthians 12:9

I Am So Weak, but Praise God! For He is So Strong!

2008-10-14T15:11:00.000-07:00

Today has been hard...

I can't tell you why. I can't reason it out. I just can't explain it at all. There is no reason. It wasn't one thing that caused it. It wasn't one thing that triggered it. It just has been a hard day today. I woke up and felt exhausted. I got ready for the day and was weak. I came to work and wanted to go home. Today's been hard.

I started reading through my old blogs. Kind of a mistake, kind of therapeutic. I was proud of myself to see what I had worked through, but also was overwhelmed with memories of those awful days. Tears welled up in my eyes and were swallowed away. Hard feelings, hard thoughts.

I searched the internet for facts on stillbirth. I was encouraged that, well that there are websites out there to help women face subsequent pregnancies following a stillbirth. I was overwhelmed by some not so comforting websites. Stupid internet.

The past few days I have been consumed, overcome, with the urge to load myself with encouraging facts that tell me that I can have another baby that will live. However, I am terrified still. I am terrified that I'll loose the next baby. I'm terrified that I will never know what it's like to bring a baby home from the hospital. I am terrified that Geoff and I will never know that joy. I'm terrifiedl, so I pray.

I pray and I remind myself that God is bigger then my fears. God is bigger then my anxieties. God will walk with me. God will be right beside me through this grief and throughout the next "subsequent" pregnancy.

I have been asking God to bring back the excitement and desire to be pregnant. I have been asking God to give me joy regarding pregnancy. I have been asking God to calm my heart and mind. God has heard me.

Friday was when all these anxieties reared their ugly heads. I had googled "subsequent Pregnancy after a loss" and was sent to this woman's blog. I should never have read her blog. It was filled with tons of scary statistics that I can't bring myself to repeat. I simply wrote them down and plan on discussing them with my doctor. I vow to never read another stupid blog from some random woman again...

**

Tonight, on my drive home from work, my body ached and my heart was heavy. Like I said earlier, today had been a hard day.

I called Geoff to tell him that I would be home late because, yet again, traffic was awful in little old Idaho.

I hate being stuck in traffic, but I do take that opportunity to put in my Selah CD and blast it!! I sing the songs at the top of my lungs..."THROUGH IT ALL, THROUGH IT ALL, I'VE LEARNED TO TRUST IN JESUS, I'VE LEARNED TO TRUST IN GOD! THROUGH IT ALL, THROUGH IT ALL, I'VE LEARNED TO DEPEND UPON HIS WORD!" Such good therapy. I sometimes even open my sunroof so that I can share the good messages of these songs with those stuck in traffic with me.

While I'm on the phone with Geoff I tell him that I've had a rough day. I tell him why I'm feeling so blue today. One of our members had a baby this morning...lucky them... He responds by saying, "Well, hurry home so you can have a great evening with me." I smile. He's so good for me. He warms my heart.

I don't want to be around babies right now. I feel like they're everywhere. I feel like I can't get away from pregnant women and newborns. I want to move away to some far off island where there are no pregnant women and there are no babies. I'll live there until I'm ready to face reality. Yeah right, that will never happen, because that place doesn't exist.

I cry and tell him that I'll hurry home as fast as this stupid traffic jam allows. I tell him I love him and I hang up.

I turn Selah back on and continue to blast away..."YOU ARE MY HIDING PLACE, YOU ALWAYS FILL MY HEART WITH SONGS, OF DELIVERANCE, WHENEVER I AM AFRAID, I WILL TRUST IN YOU, I WILL TRUST IN YOU, LET THE WEAK SAY I AM STRONG, IN THE STRENGTH, OF THE LORD. I WILL TRUST IN YOU."

It is at this moment that I am reminded of all those wonderful verses. I am reminded of all those encouraging words the Lord pointed out to me on Sunday. I am also reminded of our very favorite verse, the verse that has helped us more than any other during this time...

2 Corinthians 12:9 "BUT HE SAID TO ME, 'MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR YOU, FOR MY POWER IS MADE PERFECT IN WEAKNESS.' THEREFORE I WILL BOAST ALL THE MORE GLADLY ABOUT MY WEAKNESSES, SO THAT CHRIST'S POWER MAY REST ON ME."

So I sing. So I pray. I sing and I pray for God's comfort. I sing and I pray for God's healing power. I sing and I pray for God's strength. I sing and I pray for God's glory. I sing and I pray because God hears me and God will answer me.

God is so good.

PRAISE GOD!

The Word of the Lord Speaks CLEAR!

2008-10-12T17:34:00.001-07:00

Today has been a blessed day, thank you Lord.

I'm sitting here, at home, in my living room. Geoff and Grady are playing video games, yelling at each other (cracks me up). The smell of mulled cider and pumpkin spice are so comforting. Opie is almost passed out on the floor. I'm cuddled up on the couch, underneath my brown fleece blanket, thinking about my day.

The past two Sundays I have kind of dreaded going to church. I dread it because I don't know what it will be like. I don't know how people will behave, what they will say, how I'll feel, etc. I just dread the unknown of being around people. This is something new for me. Usually, prior to loosing Parker, I loved being at church. I loved teaching our young adults Sunday school class. I loved meeting up with friends and talking about their week. Now, I sit in the second row, while Geoff does sound check and pray that no one talks to me. Then, during Sunday school, the past two Sundays, I've escaped to McDonald's, or today, I escaped to Flying M. I dread going to church. Today; however, I'm so glad I was there.

As I was sitting, listening to Geoff practicing for morning worship, I opened up my Bible to Psalms. I found several wonderful verses to work on memorizing, but then I came upon a whole chapter that really spoke to me. It was Psalms 20:1 - 8 , here is what it says...

"May the Lord answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you. May he send you help from the sanctuary and grant you support from Zion. May he remember all your sacrifices and accept your burnt offerings. May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed. We will shout for joy when you are victorious and will lift up our banners in the name of our God. May the Lord grant all your requests. Now I know that the Lord saves his anointed; he answers him from his holy heaven with the saving power of his right hand. Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. They are brought to their knees and fall, but we rise up and stand firm."

I got so excited when I read this passage of scripture. My heart was filled. God is so good. I needed to hear every bit of this passage of scripture. I feel like this is the prayer of my heart.

As I was sitting there, in my second row pew, I came upon another bit of scripture that really blessed me. This passage of scripture is also found in the Psalms. It's Psalms 18:28 - 33, it says...

"You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall. As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights."

Again, I was completely blown away by how blessed and filled my heart was. I didn't want to stop reading, but before I knew it, it was time for the service to start.

Our services start with the singing of two hymns. I don't remember the name of the first hymn, I just remember seeing the scripture that the hymn was taken from, it was Isaiah 40:29. So I quickly turned to that scripture in my Bible. When I opened it up and started reading, I found that Isaiah 40:28 - 31 were yet again just what I needed to read. Here is what they say...

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

As I'm rewriting these scriptures (and consequently rereading them) it dawns on me that they all have a central theme...strength. God is so good.

Shortly after singing the hymns, Mark got up and read from Isaiah. I honestly don't remember the passage of scripture that he read from. What I do remember was getting distracted by a portion of scripture that I had underlined a while back, it's found in Isaiah 41:9 & 10, they say...

"I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Are you understanding why Sunday was such a blessed day. This isn't the last bit of scripture that I "accidentally" ran across today...there's more.

The next bit of scripture I found after reading further into Isaiah chapter 41 was Isaiah chapter 41 verses 13 and 14. They say...

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 'Do not fear; I will help you. Do not be afraid, O worm Jacob, O little Israel, for I myself will help you.' declares the Lord."

Just when I think I couldn't be blessed anymore, just when I think God had shown me all he needed to show and tell me all he needed to say for that moment, the sermon began.

It's amazing how God works. Mark's sermon was taken from the book of Ruth regarding Naomi and Ruth. I learned a lot. I learned that Naomi had experienced great lost like Geoff and I had, and then some. I also learned that she had become incredibly bitter as a result. This is where I will slightly digress...

Loosing our son Parker has been hard, but we have never, ever thought to blame God. On Friday Geoff and I went out to coffee and talked. It was a great time. We were there from about 8:30 to close. It was wonderful. While we were drinking out coffee and talking about getting away, I told him about how I have never, not once, been mad at God. He agreed. He then brought up something that happened at the hospital that accurately shows how God's peace immediately came over us.

Dr. Rudeen came in and performed an ultra sound. It was there when he stopped over Parker's heart and told us that all four chambers of Parker's heart weren't moving. I turned immediately to Geoff and grabbed him and held tight. The whole short short while that we hugged, I cried and said over and over "this isn't happening, this can't be happening, this isn't happening." Then we let go of each other, and in our dark hospital room, I told him (and Geoff reminded me of this) "It'll be OK. We can have more babies, or we can adopt. It'll be OK." And we were calm. We felt wrapped up in God's arms and we were calmed by the Holy Spirit. When Geoff and I were recounting this moment we were pleasantly reminded of why we were never angry with God.

We were never angry with God because to turn from God now would mean death for us. To turn from God would mean to turn from His goodness and grace that he showered on us that awful Sunday night four weeks ago.

Mark's sermon was all about how sad and bitter Naomi was. How her bitterness was brought on by blaming God. How tragic. How sad. One thing that I find myself saying under my breath when people say they are sorry is don't be. Don't be sorry for me. Don't be sorry for Geoff. We were blessed with 8 1/2 wonderful months with Parker. We were blessed by God's calming presence those 2 1/2 days we were in the hospital. We have continued to be blessed by the presence of His Holy Spirit. Every day God shows his blessings, be they big or small. Every day I feel God's loving arms around me. I have never felt so near to God as I have these past 4 weeks.

So don't feel bad for us. Don't be sorry for us. We are blessed by God's grace and goodness.

So while I listened to Mark's sermon about sad, bitter Naomi, I was blessed to know that I had made the right choice to, as Mark put it, not "blame God's hand, but hold on tight to it". I am blessed and not bitter because I did not choose to attack God, like Naomi did, for my loss. I did not choose to turn my back on Him or walk away from Him. I am blessed and not bitter because I have found in a new and wonderful relationship with God.

So I praise God today for being with me at church and perking my ears to hear what I needed to. I praise God today for showing me scripture that is so COMPLETELY encouraging. I praise God today for speaking through Mark's sermon and encouraging me there as well. God is good. GOD IS SO GOOD! PRAISE THE LORD!!

To My Dear Friend

2008-10-10T08:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a rough day, but yesterday evening was a blessing.

I am thankful for friends. Friends who let you talk through your feelings. Friends who are honest with you about their feelings. Friends who won't let you pull away, but who allow you space. Friends who give you a second chance. Friends who sit at Flying M, and let you "throw-up" every emotion and feeling you've had over the last three (nearly four) weeks. I am thankful for my dear friend Kara.

Yesterday, as many of you may have read, I lashed out in anger, unfairly. I plastered it on my blog and attacked in a cowardly way, my dear friend Kara. Yesterday afternoon I cried because I knew that it would hurt Kara. I cried because I was angry. I cried because I was a mess of unpleasant emotions. I knew that her rejoicing over her healthy baby Minor may be overshadowed by my anger. This was not fair. I needed to make it right. So we went to coffee. We didn't get much time together, but the time we had, was for me (and I hope for her), very healing. I needed to meet my dear friend Kara for coffee. I needed to be around her again and to open myself up.

I miss talking and laughing with her. I miss coffee dates like the one we had yesterday evening. I miss griping to her about stupid things like...well she knows ;). I don't want to push Kara away simply because she's pregnant, that's not fair (for me or her)! I am realizing that I need people like Kara around me. I need to be able to get past my "issues" with pregnant women. She's going to help me through this, I know it. She's going to help me feel normal around people again, especially women who are pregnant.

God has blessed me with friends like Kara. God has blessed me with people who may not fully understand why I lashed out, but who are willing to listen and learn. I am thankful for my dear friend Kara. I rejoice with her regarding the health of her baby Minor. I love my dear friend Kara, and I realized how much I need to have her around right now.

Please now, Kara, how dear you are to me. Love you friend :)

Blue That Glimmers

2008-10-09T15:38:00.000-07:00

Today I'm blue with glimpses of happiness.

I'm not so angry anymore, now I'm just trying to process and figure out how to heal. I am trying to figure out how to move on from the anger that I felt earlier. There is no one to blame, except...well, no one. I don't blame my friends, I won't blame God and I don't blame myself. The feeling of anger was just one of those emotions that bubbled up over words. Over a simple phrase that was written not out of malice, but was simply written.

This is one of those emotions, and instances, that are hard to explain. I hated hearing this, so I hate that I say it now, but until you have walked the path that I tread...no, I won't even say that. This is just simply one of those emotions and instances that are simply hard to explain. I can try. I can try to "wax eloquent" about it, but the message might not get across effectively. I can try and explain, in the simplest of ways by using "like or as", but that won't get the message across effectively either. All I can say is, bare with me. Grit your teeth and bare with me or ask me to clarify, and I will try.

I have always said that I want to be an "open book". That I want people to feel like they can approach me regarding my grief and the loss of my son Parker. I still hold tight to that. I still want to be an open book. I still want people to feel free to approach me regarding my journey along this path toward healing and a new normal.

I'm not sure if you all realize this, but your comments, whether posted on here or on my facebook page, keep me going. They give me the energy, encouragement and hope to keep on...keepin on. I am thrilled when I open my email and see that a new comment has been posted. I become elated when I open my facebook to see that I have messages in my inbox or messages on my wall telling me to keep up the good work! I need those. I thrive on them. I live off of them. **Would you believe that my love language is words of encouragement?** Those are vital to me these days. They are what help me hold my head up. Really, I feel as though each and every one of you, who access this blog and read it, are walking the journey with me. I feel as though Geoff and I are the guy on the bicycle, in that really long race, and you all are riding, a little behind, in the pace car (if that's what they call, but you get my drift). You are cheering us on while we fight this battle.

So as we journey, together, along this rough road, this pot-hole filled path, there will be good days. Days where I feel so high. Days where the view from the mountaintop is breathtaking. Days where I will feel God right beside me. But then there will be days, like today, where I'll feel lost in the deepest depths. Days where the quicksand is heavy and hard to climb out of.

I hope the good days will come more than the bad, but I know that I have little control over that. What I have control over is how I make it through those bad days. I have control over drawing near to God. I have control over giving God control. That's what I worked on today and that's what I continue to work on.

So bare with me. I'll get through this. Geoff and I will get through this together, with God. It will be good, in the end (wherever and whenever the end is). Please continue to pray for us, think about us and encourage us. We need it like never before. PRAISE GOD, GOD IS SO GOOD!

Feeling Weak, Knowing God is Strong

2008-10-09T10:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a great day. Today has been a little rough.

I'm a little angry today. I'm a little angry because of something someone said. I know they didn't mean anything. I understand that they probably didn't think one bit about me and my situation. But I'm pissed. I'm mad.

It was my own fault. I should have read the subject line and stopped there, but no, I had to read the email and then the response email. I should have just ignored them both. I should have just deleted both, maybe even labeled both as junk. I read them though, and they made me mad. They made me really mad.

I decided to remove myself from those emails. I decided to avoid reading anything else that would make me mad. I hate feeling this way. I understand it's apart of the grieving process, but I don't like it.

I don't like being mad at my friends. I know they didn't think about how that may hurt me. It still hurts. I need to be separate from them for a while. Eventually I'll be able to be around them. Eventually I'll be able to read emails like the one that pissed me off. Eventually I'll be able to hear people praising God for saving their babies and not get mad...eventually.

But for now I'm angry. For now I'm wallowing a little in my misery. For now I just don't want to hear that. For now I just need to be away from them and separate from all that. For now I just need to be near to God. For now I need to ask for His strength and encouragement.

So I'm sitting here, mad and telling God all about it so that eventually, some day, I'll be able to be around that again...eventually, not now.

Please God, draw near, hold me tight. I'm hearing those words of encouragement, that are helping even now 2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

I need you today God, really bad...really bad.

The Wisdom of Panda Express

2008-10-08T14:22:00.000-07:00

Today has been a blessed BLESSED day...so far.

This morning I posted a short blog about my favorite verse, the verse that has helped Geoff and I so much during this time (2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me" This verse is also on Parker's headstone). In that same blog, I posted the lyrics to one of my favorite Selah songs, You are My Hiding Place. This song, for me, puts into words exactly how I feel these days.

After writing that blog, I decided that I wanted to write a thank you note to Selah, letting them know how much of an encouragement their songs have been for me. When I arrived at their website, Selahonline.com, I saw they had a blog posted. I read through their blog and then stopped dead in my tracks. I could not believe what I had just read. Here it is, "We’ve had some time off, I’m sure most of our fans know the season that Todd and Angie (his wife) have been through this year, as well as Nicol and Greg (her husband) with the loss of their beautiful, precious babies, and God has been so good through all of it." I had to read this several times before grasping what I was understanding. I then went on to read the rest of the blog and saw that they had links to Todd & Angie's blog as well as Nicol & Greg's blog. I immediately went to Todd and Angie's blog first (here's the link: www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com). After reading a few of Angie's blogs I then went to Nicol and Greg's blog (here's the link: www.thelukesponbergfoundation.blogspot.com).

I am so in awe of how God works. His ways are truly mysterious until He sees fit to show us, or until we open our eyes to see. I am blown away by how good God is. I find it pretty awesome that the CD that has helped me the most through this hard time, has two people in their group who have felt the same pain that Geoff and I are feeling now.

I cannot tell you how encouraging it is to see other women and men of God handling such major losses as the loss of a child. I cannot tell you how encouraging it is to know that there are other's out there who are walking a similar journey as Geoff and I are. To see them walking this journey so close to God is the biggest encouragement of all.

Something else that sort of blew me away today was the "fortune" I received in my Panda Express fortune cookie. I love reading these little "fortunes" because they can sometimes be hysterical. However, every now and then I'll get one that hits so profoundly close to home that I cannot help but believe that there may have been some "divine intervention". Here is what my fortune said, "Your road to glory will be rocky, but fulfilling." ...

Sometimes God confuses me. Sometimes I find myself getting frustrated with God. But then there are times, that have happened quite a lot lately, where God totally blows me away. First it was with finding out about Todd and Nicol from Selah. Finding out that the group that has ministered so much to me, is walking the path that I walk. Then to read my fortune and hear God speak directly to me through my Panda Express fortune cookie...I find myself saying, once again, God is good...GOD IS SO GOOD!

Just Some Quick Encouragement

2008-10-08T09:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Tuesday, was a great day! I had Blazen Burgers (AWESOME food) and a Dairy Queen cookie dough blizzard! What a GREAT GREAT DAY!! :)

I really wanted to share with everyone the verse that has truly helped Geoff and I through this time, it's 2 Corinthians 12:9. It has helped remind us that God's grace is sufficient for us and that his strength comes through in our times of weakness.

This morning, as I was driving into work, it dawned on me that Selah has a song (on that wonderful CD Hiding Place) that articulates this beautifully. The song is called You Are My Hiding Place

You are my hiding place
You always fill my heart
With songs of deliverance
Whenever I am afraid
I will trust in You

I will trust in You
Let the weak say
I am strong
In the strength of the Lord

I am telling you, go out, buy this CD IMMEDIATELY. Whatever you're going through. Whatever trials are laying in your lap, this CD reminds you SO MUCH of how GREAT God is. How BIG God is and how GOOD God is.

Every time I need encouragement, every time I need to be reminded of God's goodness, I just pop this CD in and worship God. Praise the Lord...PRAISE THE LORD!!

What An Evening It Was

2008-10-07T10:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was another good day, praise the Lord!

Yesterday, Monday, I woke up feeling so good. I could tell that the Lord was near, right beside me. I had gone to bed the night before, reading this wonderful book for parents grieving the loss of their baby. The book helped so much. **I'll have to post one of the prayers that this book had in it.** I read it cover to cover before I fell asleep (mind you it was less than an inch thick). I could tell that book had truly helped, because I was feeling so good the next morning. I got ready for the day, drank my coffee and headed off to work.

On my lunch break I called this woman named Stephanie. She had reached out to Geoff and I following the death of our son. She had also lost her daughter just a few days before her daughter's due date. She had sent us this lovely letter that I've read over and over again. In the letter she left her phone number and told me to call her when I was ready to talk. So yesterday, on my lunch break, I called her and left a message. I told her that I was ready to talk about Parker. I was also ready to meet someone, outside of my family, who truly knew what I was going through.

I got home Monday night and asked Geoff if anyone had called for me. No one had.

Geoff and I ate dinner and watched TV (we watched Chuck, I love that show!). After dinner I logged on to our laptop and checked my email. Earlier in the day I had sent a feedback email to the woman that made my necklace.

For those of you who aren't aware, Geoff purchased a beautiful necklace for my birthday on this website called Etsy, from a seller named SimaG. The necklace is a silver chain that has a pearl on it as well as two silver rectangle tags. Each of the silver tags has a name on it. One has Geoff's name and the other has Parker's name. When I was pregnant I decided that I wanted to get this necklace so that, when I went back to work after having Parker, I would have my boys close to my heart. Geoff ordered the necklace on the 9th of September. It arrived in our mailbox on the 13th of September. I was dying to open the package (I knew what it was), but Geoff told me I had to wait until my birthday. Sunday the 14th was when we went into the hospital. Monday morning, the 15th, Geoff had to run to the house to feed Opie. Before leaving the hospital, he asked if there was anything I wanted, all I wanted was that necklace. He came back to the hospital, with the necklace. I put it on and wore it through the entire labor and delivery of Parker. I haven't taken it off since.

So yesterday I went to SimaG's profile and left her a message. I briefly explained what had happened. I told her that ever since Parker's death, this necklace has taken on new meaning. It has become a cherished memorial, a precious keepsake. I wanted to thank her for creating this beautiful piece of jewelry.

That night, as I was checking my email I noticed that SimaG had replied. I was floored by what she wrote. She started the email off by telling me that she had been thinking about us a lot lately. She then went on to say that she was very sorry and that she was sending us "a big hug and a big kiss". Her email went on to say that she had four kids, two girls (16 and 13) and two boys (4 and 2) and that the reason for the large age gap was that she too had lost a little baby the same way we had. My jaw dropped, I elbowed Geoff and told him to read the email. We sat there together on the couch and read the rest of SimaG's email. We both were in shock! What a small world. What a tragic, small world and yet, how beautiful! All I could think, after reading her email, was that God is so good! She ended the email by telling me that there is hope and faith. I felt so encouraged by her email, even though I could sense some sadness in it, it was still, such an encouraging email.

After sitting there, staring at it for a while and reading it again, I was jolted back to reality by the phone ringing. I ran to our bedroom and answered the phone, it was Stephanie, who I had called earlier in the day. I was so thrilled to hear from her. We talked for what seemed like forever. She told me about her daughter who had died just days before her due date. I told her a little about Parker and we decided to meet up for coffee, this week. I cannot wait!

After getting off the phone with Stephanie, I immediately called my mom and told her everything that had just transpired that evening.

I praise the Lord for gifts like that. I praise the Lord for bringing people, like Stephanie, into my life. I praise the Lord for emails like the one I received from SimaG. Both woman were once total strangers, but now I feel like both will become trusted confidantes. I praise the Lord for his many MANY blessings!! What an evening! GOD IS SO GOOD!!!

Parker's Hands & Tough Emotions

2008-10-06T15:05:00.001-07:00

Saturday was a good day, had some rough spots, but for the most part it was a good day.

I got up Saturday morning bright and early at 9:00am. Geoff and I wanted to get an early start on this particular day. We wanted to get to the farmer's market in time to check out a bench for Parker's memorial corner. So I got up slowly, made some coffee and turned on my Bill Evan's CD. I grabbed our laptop, lit my mulled cider candle and sat on the couch and checked my email. I was doing just grand. It was a nice overcast morning, kinda chilly outside, but so warm and cozy inside. It was a beautiful, autumn, Saturday morning. As I was checking my email I asked the Lord to be near to Geoff and I. To help give us strength and to help us have a good Saturday.

I woke Geoff up at 9:30am. He came out into the living room, made himself a little breakfast, and we slowly got ready for the day. At about 11:00am we headed out for the day. So much for getting an "early" start.

We made our way around to a couple stops we needed to before heading to downtown Nampa. We finally arrived at the farmer's market at about 11:45. We went straight to this man's booth who makes benches out of old barn boards. We checked out what he had and asked if he could make a custom piece. We got his business card and went on our way (I'll be calling to place our custom order today. I'm so excited).

After the farmer's market we ran a few more errands, ate lunch at Costco and headed to Meridian. We were headed to Hand Made Memories to pick up Parker's ceramic hand molds. We had three of them made, one for Mark and Vanessa, one for my mom and dad and one for Geoff and I. I was so excited to see his little hand. At the hospital, I was so intent on seeing his face that I failed to look at the rest of him. I don't regret that, but I was really looking forward to finally getting to see his hand.

We arrived at Hand Made Memories after driving through the ran, thunder and lightning. I was starting to tremble with nerves. We knocked on the door of their house. We went in and waited. Then they came. I looked in the box and there they were, three beautiful molds of his tiny right hand. The molds of the hands sat on wood plaques with gold plates that read "Parker Geofferson Harmon, September 15, 2008". Geoff and my mother-in-law Vanessa had been telling me how much his hands looked like mine, and sure enough they did. He had long long fingers just like his mommy. We would have definitely made him play the piano and MOST definitely I would have strongly encouraged him to play basketball. His hands were beautiful. We took the three hands, said our "thank yous" and went on our way.

When we got in the car I touched one of the hands. I could not stop rubbing his little hand. The way the hands were shaped I could tuck my thumb inside and it looked like he was holding my thumb. I began to cry. I missed him dearly during that moment. My heart ached to hold him, to feel his sweet little body in my arms and touch his face again. I missed my Parker dearly at that moment. I rubbed his hands the whole way back to Nampa.

We went straight to Geoff's parent's house to deliver one of Parker's hands to them. We went inside and talked about how perfect the molds turned out. Every wrinkle was there, every nail was perfectly outlined. I mean, they were perfect in every way, just like he was. Geoff and I left shortly after that and went home. When we got home I went to his nursery and put our hand on his shelf and the other one (the one for my mom) on his changing table. I was so thrilled that we had those. They are like precious, priceless gold to me. I will cherish them forever!

Saturday night we rented a movie, vegged out a little and then went to bed thoroughly exhausted.

The next day was Sunday. We went to church, Geoff led worship once again and I know he felt so good being back in that position. After the service I purposefully made myself open up to some of our young adult friends. It's been really hard for me, lately, to want to be open with them. They have done nothing wrong, but I just find it hard to be myself around them. So I purposefully made an effort to do my best to be myself with them.

Ryan approached me and asked if Geoff and I would be attending Bible study this Wednesday. I abruptly answered, "No." I think that caught him off guard, and I felt bad about that. It's just too soon still. It's probably going to be a long while before I feel comfortable being at Bible study and game night with the young adults. It will probably be a while before I feel comfortable going to any events.

I then saw Jess approach and asked if I could hold Ella. She handed her over to me. I held her for a little while. The entire time Ella just grinned. It was so fun holding a baby again. I was really proud of myself too! I was able to hold Ella and not feel sad. It was wonderful. I told Geoff about it later and he said that I was brave. I think it's still hard for Geoff to hold any babies. I can't wait until he feels comfortable with that again, but I know he needs his time.

This weekend was a great weekend. We had a few bumps along the road, but for the most part it was a great weekend. Sunday night I put together Parker's memory box, cried a little when I held the blanket he was wrapped up it, but rejoiced that I was able to get that done. While my parents were still in town we had purchased this beautiful wooden box to hold Parker's memorial items in. Its gorgeous, and with all of his stuff in there, it look so wonderfully full.

This weekend was truly a great weekend. I am so thankful for how God has continued to bless our lives and help us continue along this road. Healing is good, feeling normal is getting easier. Life is moving along and God is right there beside us. PRAISE GOD!

The Story of Stupid "Deb"

2008-10-06T08:59:00.000-07:00

Friday was a pretty good day at work, all except for one stupid member. I simply need to vent about this.

I was sitting at my desk, when this member walked in, we'll call her Deb. Deb opened the door to the credit union and yelled, "You're still here!" I looked up, smiled and said, "Um...yep." She then approached my desk and said, "So when are you having this baby?!" Now, for those of you who haven't seen me since having Parker, I think I've bounced back rather nicely. For pete's sake I'm able to fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans only 2 1/2 weeks after having Parker. My tummy is pretty flat again too and only a little loose skin remains. So I'd say I'm looking pretty good! Anyway, I looked at her to see if she was trying to be funny. After realizing that she was serious I took a deep breath and gently said, "Well, I actually had my son 2 1/2 weeks ago." Her eyes widened, her cheeks turned red (rightfully so) and she said, "Oh!" She then looked at my tummy, her eyes widened even more and said, "Oh my gosh!" I then went on to gently say, "We had to deliver him five weeks early because his heart had stopped." She said nothing. For some reason I felt the need to tell her that he was big and so stinkin cute. She took this to mean that he made it, to which I responded, "Actually he did not make it. His funeral was Thursday the 18th." Deb's eyes started to turn red, they filled with tears. She got very quiet. I thought our conversation was over. So I started to process her transaction. Pretty soon she started talking again and what she said blew me away.

Deb started to tell me about a woman she knew who lost 4 babies. As Deb put it, "I knew a woman who lost 4 babies that way. And oh, she wanted babies so bad. She really wanted to be a mommy. Poor thing. And my mother lost two babies that way too and it nearly killed her." I could not believe what I was hearing. How dare she think it's OK to tell me all of this. How dare she think that I want to hear what she's saying! I couldn't believe it. My jaw dropped. I just stared at her. I didn't know what to say. In fact, I can't even remember what I said. I'm pretty sure I said something like "wow" or "oh my word". I was shocked. I was shocked, I was speechless, and I was ANGRY!

I finally finished her transaction and sent her on her way. When she left I waited a few seconds, then turned to my co-worker Linnea and said, "OH...MY...GOSH! Did you hear what she said!?" Linnea immediately started apologizing. She said, "I'm so sorry Rachel. I thought we told everyone, but she just doesn't come in very often." I reassured Linnea that it was not her fault, that woman was simply an idiot. Some people just need to be slapped, and she was one of them. I went to the break room, took a moment to calm down and then finished my day at work.

When I got home that night I told Geoff about what happened. He said that I should have just been brutal with Deb. He suggested that I lean in and say, "He died, OK!" He felt that would have made her feel like the jackass that she was. That made me laugh. He's so good to me.

I understand that not everyone knows what to say to someone who has lost a loved one, especially a baby. I understand that some people try very hard to be comforting and fail miserably. I get all that, but how on earth could Deb have honestly felt that telling me about a woman who lost four babies would be COMFORTING!

Here's something that we can all learn from Deb's stupidity. Do not ever tell a grieving parent, especially someone who has just lost a baby, about someone who's lost several babies. THAT DOES NOT HELP! Lord bless "Deb" the idiot.

Music...so good for the soul.

2008-10-03T12:45:00.000-07:00

A simple blog.

I want to start off by saying thank you to everyone. I have been somewhat silent these past 2 1/2 weeks regarding my thanks to everyone. I think I just needed time. Geoff and I were so overwhelmed with how much love has been pouring in. We are overwhelmed by all the love and support from all of our family (immediate and extended) as well as our church family (those at Lakeview, New Hope, Tucson Central and other's sprinkled all over the Nazarene Church). Geoff and I have also been so overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support from our work family (my coworkers at the credit union as well as Geoff's coworkers at River Valley). The Lord has truly blessed us with wonderful people in every part of our lives. So to all of you I say (and I know that Geoff echos my sentiments) THANK YOU! You all are so WONDERFUL and we are blessed to know each and every one of you.

I have to extend one special thank you. I was blessed and truly moved when my mom and dad shared this with us. A small church, of roughly 25 members in Union Gap, WA, Union Gap Church of the Nazarene, wanted to take a love offering for us after hearing about the death of our son Parker. This is a church, made up of people that Geoff and I have never met, and never spoken with. A church that wanted to give simply because. Geoff and I will be forever thankful and blessed by people like those who attend Union Gap Nazarene.

Now, I have to continue by sharing what has helped me heal and grow during these past 2 1/2 weeks. Parker's birthday is September 15th, two days after, was my birthday. On Wednesday, the 17th of September, my family took me out to the Olive Garden for my birthday. Following dinner we went over to Mark and Vanessa's house for Ice Cream cake, it was there that we opened presents.

I received several wonderful gifts from all of my family members; however, the one gift that I absolutely cherish, the one gift that has helped in my healing, was the CD that Geoff gave me. It's Selah's Hiding Place. This CD is full of wonderful worship songs that seem to provide the words for how I am feeling during this time in my life. I just wanted to share the lyrics to one of the songs that has really helped me these past few days and weeks to cope with Parker's death.

The song is called Part The Waters/I Need Thee Every Hour. Every time this song comes on I find myself feeling so cleansed by the Holy Spirit. Here are the lyrics.

When I think I'm going under, part the waters, Lord
When I feel the waves around me, calm the sea
When I cry for help, oh hear me
Lord and hold out Your hand
Touch my life
Still the raging storm in me

I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford

I need Thee, O I need Thee
Every hour I need Thee
O bless me now, my Savior
I come to Thee

I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain
Come quickly and abide, or life is vain

Such an amazing song. This is exactly how I feel every day. Every morning I ask the Lord for strength. Every morning, as I drive to work, I play this song at least twice and sing it at the top of my lungs, as a way to pray for God to be near. It is just a wonderful CD. I always feel so blessed and rejuvenated after listening to these wonderful worship songs. PRAISE THE LORD!

Minor Victories and BSU

2008-10-02T09:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a great day.

The morning of the first of October started off a little rough for me. I woke up with Geoff and started getting ready for the day. I was feeling a little blue, not really sure why, but decided to persevere. I really didn't want to go to work. I didn't want to get out of bed, but I knew I needed to. I needed to continue trying to be normal and get back into the world of the living. So I got in the shower and asked the Lord for his strength, as I do every morning. I said goodbye to Geoff as he headed off to work, poured myself a cup of coffee and ate my muffin. Bill Evans was playing in the background as I had my breakfast. I decided, yet again, to walk into Parker's nursery.

I stood there in the doorway, as I had in the mornings past, and looked around his room. I went up to the crib, where all of his memorial items are sitting. I looked around at the items that we had in the crib. The letter that Stefanie wrote to Parker. The angel picture that the funeral home had made for Parker and the lovely frame my parents had purchased for us. This frame was purchased after we had found out that we were having a boy back in June. I think my dad was the most excited, personally. I'll never forget that day.

We all (and when I say we all I mean, mom, dad, Vanessa, Geoff, myself and Dr. Rudeen) all huddled into the ultrasound room. We waited patiently as Parker's heartbeat whooshed in the background. I was crossing my fingers for a boy as was Geoff. We all waited, holding our breath as Dr. Rudeen stopped over a grainy portion of Parker's body. He calmly said, "And here's the penis." There was a collective, "WHAT!?" We all leaned in to take a closer look at the image on the screen. Dr. Rudeen froze the image. Sure enough, there it was, his cute little penis (it seemed to glow...seriously). I was ecstatic! My dad high fived Geoff and my mom hugged him as did Vanessa. We were all so excited. Geoff high fived me and kissed my cheek. We were having the boy we both wanted. After the ultrasound was over, and our wallets were loaded down with pictures, we headed out to dinner. Mom and dad took us to Cracker Barrel. Geoff and I called all of our family members. I remember my brother's reaction, "A boy huh, whelp, here's Keri" :) . We were thrilled. After dinner, mom and dad went to Target and bought two shirts (a Hawaiian print one for him to wear with my dad, and a polo one to match with Geoff) and a pair of khaki shorts. It was a great day. What a great memory.

That same day, mom and dad bought us this beautiful frame at Baby's R Us to house one of the 3-D ultrasound pictures in. On the frame there was this beautiful quote about how Geoff and I were waiting patiently to meet our little man. It said that we were waiting and praying that he would grow strong and healthy. It was a beautiful frame. I remember crying when dad handed it to me. It was the sweetest gift. I cherished that frame. I used to come into Parker's room when I was pregnant, pick up the frame, and hug it. I loved that frame.

Yesterday, as I was looking at the memorial items in the crib, I saw that frame. I read what was on the frame and began to get misty eyed. I smiled and touched the picture, thinking about how wonderful that day was when we got to see our little man for the first time. I quickly pulled my hand away, dabbed my eye and continued to look around the crib. I then came across Parker's little lock of hair that the hospital had given us. My mom had washed it while she was staying with us. I reached over and instinctively touched the hair. As soon as my hand made contact with the hair, I lost it. I began to cry. I quickly grabbed my cup of coffee and left the room. I sat in the bathroom, drying my tears and taking deep breath after deep breath. I touched up my makeup, grabbed my lunch, purse and coffee, said goodbye to Opie and headed out to my car.

When I got in the CRV I turned on my Selah CD. I worshipped God all the way to work. I praised his name. I cried out to him for strength. I sat at his feet and was comforted. I cleansed my soul with tears. I was blessed.

The second day at work was a little harder than the first, for some odd reason. I think it was because I really didn't want to be there. I wanted to be home, in bed, feeling sorry for myself. I wanted to mope around the house. I wanted to be depressed. I didn't want to paint on a fake smile for our members. I didn't to want to endure awkward glances from people who knew about what Geoff and I had been through. I just wanted to be alone. And yet I didn't want to be alone. I was a mess, an emotional wreck.

I stared at my cell phone, hearing my mom saying "call me anytime you need to." I reached for my cell phone, picked it up, dialed her number and laid my finger over the call button, but I never pressed it. I decided that I wouldn't call my mom. Don't ask me why, I just couldn't bring myself to reaching out. I guess, part of me, subconsciously, wanted to be miserable.

At 12:00, I went to the break room with my lunch, cell phone and book in hand. I sat down and dialed Geoff's number. It rang three times and then his voicemail picked up. I left a message and hung up. Five minutes later I dialed him again, and again it rang three times, but I didn't leave a message. I hung up and tossed my phone into my purse. I was upset. I felt alone. I was blue, dark blue. I grabbed my book, and choked down my pizza. All of a sudden Geoff called. My heart was warmed. It felt good to hear his voice. It felt good to talk to him and have him reassure me that it was OK that I was feeling blue. I needed my Geoff. After talking for a little while I felt rejuvenated. I finished my lunch, and the first chapter of my book.

The rest of the day at work, went a little easier. I am blessed with two co-workers who help to keep me laughing. They allow life to go on. They allow me to talk about Parker when I need to, but they also allow me to be normal like I need to. Coming to work has become such a blessing and a wonderful way to slowly become reconnected to life.

At about 3:30, Geoff called to let me know that he may have tickets to the BSU game. I was kinda thrilled, kinda not. For some reason I was feeling selfish. I wanted nothing to do with people that evening. I wanted to be home, like a hermit, and shut the world out. I didn't want to go out with a bunch of people. I didn't tell Geoff any of this. I simply said, "Oh fun! That sounds like fun." I told him to let me know if he was able to get the tickets. About a half hour later he called and told me that he was headed to pick up the tickets and that Grady and a friend would be joining us. I was still kind of excited, not really. However, the more I talked about it, the more I thought about going to a college football game, the more excited I got. By 6:00 I was so excited to be going out. It's amazing how fast my emotions seem to change these days. One moment I was dreading going to the game, and the next it was the only thing I could think about.

Geoff, Grady and his friend Jay arrived at the credit union at 6:07. I changed my clothes and jumped in the car with the guys. I was so excited. We drove to BSU and searched forever for the best parking spot. At about 6:15 we found a spot about 10 miles away from BSU (not literally, but that's certainly what it felt like). After hiking for all eternity, we arrived at our seats. I was so thrilled to be there, sitting with my Geoff, in the twilight of a beautiful, warm autumn evening, watching live football.

The game was nearing it's end, BSU was up 38 to LaTech's 3. It was 9:30pm on a work night, so we decided to head home. The entire evening was so much fun. We laughed with Grady and Jay and cheered for the Broncos. We ate nachos and a pretzel and shared a coke. It was so much fun. I was so glad I went. Geoff and I spent the entire evening sitting together and just being. Every now and then we would talk about Parker. I would usually be the one to bring him up, but it was OK. It was just a truly wonderful evening that felt so good and so normal.

As we were walking back to the car, trying to not to get hit by the vehicles driving by, Jay asked if I really had just had a baby. I told him that I had, about 2 1/2 weeks ago. He asked if we had a boy or a girl, I told him we had a little boy. Geoff was walking with me as Jay and I were talking. Geoff interjected that Parker hadn't made it. Jay said, "Oh, really?". I told him that Parker's heart had stopped a few days before he was born. Jay said he was sorry and I told him, "don't be." Geoff then told Jay that he was a big boy and we talked a little bit about Parker. After a while I heard Grady say, in a hushed whisper, "Jay I told you about that remember!?" Then Jay said, "No you didn't!" Grady replied with, "Yeah, I did. Remember, I said that my brother's son died." "Yeah, but you have a lot of brothers!" Jay said. Then Grady said, "Yeah, but this is the brother who's baby died!" And Jay said, "OH! Sorry!" They made me laugh. It felt really good to answer Jay's questions about Parker. It wasn't awkward at all. In fact, I appreciated his curiosity.

We finally made it to the car, got in and headed home. We dropped the guys off at their cars, and got home at about 10:45. We got in our pj's and vegged for a bit to wind down.

It had been such a wonderful evening. I loved being able to be normal with Grady, Jay and Geoff. It was so fun to sit with my husband, laugh at Grady and Jay, cheer on the broncos and eat junk. What a fun evening. BSU games are great therapy.

As Geoff and I continue on this journey toward healing and a new normal, we will have mornings that will be hard. We'll have little things that will make us think about our Parker. We'll have moments where we feel horribly blue, but then we'll have evenings like Wednesday evening. Times that Geoff and I call minor victories. Each day brings us one step further along the healing process. Each day brings us one step further along our path to a new normal. Each day brings us new minor victories. I praise God for it all...everything. AMEN!

I Will Rejoice!

2008-10-01T09:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my first day back at work and it was a pretty good day because I was able to tell people about Parker.

I woke up yesterday morning, not really wanting to be awake. I hit the snooze three different times. Then finally, after Geoff woke up, I reluctantly pushed myself out of bed. Geoff kept asking me how I was doing and feeling. I kept telling him I was just fine, I don't think he really believed me. I could tell he was worried.

At about 7:40, Geoff left the house and headed to work. I finished getting ready. After putting on my makeup, doing my hair and getting dressed, I looked at the clock and saw that I had time to spare!! That never happens! I was so excited! I went into the kitchen, poured myself a cup of coffee and heated up my chocolate costco muffin. I stood in the kitchen, drank my coffee and ate my yummy muffin while listening to Bill Evans. I thought about Parker. Prayed for Geoff and I and prayed for our day ahead. I then took my coffee and walked to Parker's nursery.

I turned on the light, stood in the doorway and looked around his sweet little room. I thought about the times that I would sit in the rocking chair, rub my belly and tell him how excited we were to meet him. Every time I think about Parker these days, the thoughts are quickly followed up with reminding myself that we can have more children. So as I stood there I began to smile at the fact that I knew, some day, the crib would be filled. It would be filled with a beautiful, chubby little baby boy or girl that would have mine and Geoff's features. I can't wait! All of a sudden, I looked at the clock and saw that I needed to head off to work.

I arrived at the credit union at 9:15, walked in, said good morning and went straight to my desk. I sat down, and realized that I was doing really good. My cell phone rang an hour later, it was Geoff. He was wondering if I was doing OK. I told him everything was fine and that I was doing better than I thought. He asked how everyone was treating me. I told him how wonderful Linnea and Tina were. He was relieved to hear that I was OK.

Later that day, a member came in and walked up to my desk. He leaned in, and whispered to me that he heard about what had happened and that he was sorry. He then went on to say that lately he had heard more and more about people who had also had stillborn children. He said that he knew it was something that people really didn't want to talk about. I then stopped him and said that I love talking about my son. I love telling people about how beautiful Parker was and how chubby he was. I told him that to not talk about my son would mean that he had died in vain. I went on to inform him that several states don't even acknowledge Parker's birth, because they don't give birth certificates to stillborns (Idaho is one of those states), that's another reason why I love to talk about Parker.

People have to understand that, with Geoff and I, we are open books. We want you to ask about Parker. We want you to inquire about his birth and what it was like. We want to be able to tell everyone about his short beautiful life. It brings us joy and helps keep his memory stay alive. To not have people ask, to not talk about him, to not remember him hurts more. It hurts more to be left alone, it hurts more to have people dodge the issue. It hurts the most to have people, who you know knew you were pregnant, to behave as if nothing happened. That hurts more than remembering him and talking about him.

My son's birth will not be "swept under the rug". It will not become a sore subject. Parker Geofferson will never be forgotten.

It is getting easier and easier to fondly think of him. It's getting easier to remember his sweet face. It's getting more warm and comforting for me to think about how it felt to hold him. I love those memories. If I don't remember those things, they will die. I need to think about him and talk about him. It's a necessity for me.

A few days ago I went to lunch with my mom and my mother-in-law (my two moms as I like to call them :)) We ate lunch, talked about various subjects and laughed. We had a great time. Towards the end of lunch I brought up Parker. We talked about his birth. Laughed about my two moms holding up my legs. We laughed about some of things that happened during the delivery (bm's and my embarassment of them, ya da ya da). It was a great conversation. We also talked about how stinkin cute Parker was!! I told them that Geoff said most newborns look kind of alien to him, but that Parker was already such a cute kid! We laughed about how, the one question that Geoff asked, the one thing that he had to know, was how big Parker's testicles were (his exact words to Carrie, our nurse, were "I just have to know, did he have big testicles?"). That still cracks me up. It felt so good to talk about all of that. It felt so good to remember and laugh about those days in the hospital. That to me shows we are healing.

God allows us to rejoice in the midst of sorrow. He helps us find the silver lining. He helps us laugh and remember fondly. That to me is how God shows his strength in my weakness. That is how God helps me get through each day. That is how God helps me talk to people, who assume I just want to forget, and tell them that I will never forget.

And so, as we continue along our path toward healing and a new normal, I rejoice. I rejoice in the memory of my Parker. I rejoice in the memory of his birth and beautiful little life. I rejoice in telling others about him and how stinkin adorable he was. I will forever rejoice with God concerning Parker's life, because without him there is no rejoicing. PRAISE GOD!

**

I just have to add one more thing. This morning, I needed a little boost, a little pick me up, so I turn on my Selah CD and listened to this song, I Bless Your Name. It helped so much to remind me how it helps to remember to praise God even in the tough times when we feel chained down. That when we praise Him, when we rejoice in His presence and in the beauty of who He is, our chains of pain and suffering break away and we are freed. PRAISE GOD!

Here are the lyrics

In prisoner's chains
With bleeding stipes
Paul and Silas prayed that night
And in their pain began to sing
Their chains were loosed
And they were freed
I bless Your Name
I bless Your Name
I give You honor, give You praise
You are the Life, the Truth, the Way
I bless Your Name
I bless Your Name

Some midnight hour
If you should find
You're in a prison in your mind
Reach out and praise
Defy those chains
And they will fall
In Jesus' Name

We bless Your Name
We bless Your Name
We give You honor, give You praise
You are the Life, the Truth, the Way
We bless Your Name
We bless Your Name

AMEN!

More babies for Geoff and I? YUP, you bet!

2008-09-30T14:56:00.000-07:00

Monday, it was a good day.

Monday morning I got up with Geoff and got ready for the day. Geoff and I had talked about the possibility of me going to work with him, but I decided that I was feeling good enough to be alone. So I drove Geoff to work, helped him set up his thank you for the River Valley staff (tons of little bite size candy bars and a thank you card in the middle), and then headed off to spend the morning with myself.

When I got back to Nampa, I headed straight home, grabbed my book and left the house for Flying M (a wonderful local coffee shop) to have a little "me time".

I walked into Flying M, scanned the room to see if there was anyone I knew, and got in line to get my coffee. I grabbed my double tall latte, raspberry scone and headed to the nearest empty couch. I curled up, ate my scone and started thinking. Thinking always gets me in trouble these days. I started thinking about how Geoff and I had talked about bringing Parker here with us on the weekends. It was hard to remember that. I took a deep breath and finished my scone. I grabbed my book, opened it up and began to read while I sipped on my latte. It felt good to dive into the book and get lost. I read for what felt like forever, but realized it had only been an hour. When I looked at my watch I saw that it was 10:20. Geoff would have a break in 20 minutes, so I decided to get in the car, drive to Eagle, call Geoff and do some shopping.

It took no time to get to Eagle. I called Geoff to see when he wanted to get together for lunch and what he wanted to have. While I was standing in the middle of Old Navy talking to Geoff it dawned on me who is usually shopping at this time of day...stay at home moms. I felt like I was surrounded by moms and there babies. It felt like the walls were caving in. I tried to make light of it by telling Geoff that all the rich stay at home moms were out shopping, but that didn't really work. I never thought that I would react that way towards stay at home moms, but I was jealous and envious. I was coveting the life they had. I took a deep breath and finished talking with my husband. He decided that he wanted me to surprise him for lunch and that we would meet at 11:25. We said our "love you"s and goodbyes and hung up. I browsed my way through Old Navy, bought a cute orange shirt and headed towards Claire's and Bath and Body Works. I wrapped up my shopping, grabbed lunch for Geoff and I at Panda Express and headed to his school.

I know I have said this before, but I love the staff of people that Geoff works with. Everyone is wonderful. I was able to walk in, sign in and head straight to Geoff's room. We ate together and laughed so hard we were crying (good tears, tears of laughter). It was a great lunch. One of the many good things that has come out of this tragedy is how much our love has grown for each other. We are more in love now than we have ever been before.

On Sunday, I realized just how in love I am with him. He truly is my knight in shining armor. He is my rock and my steadfast friend. Monday night, as we were trying to wind down from a somewhat stressful evening, I laid my head on his lap and we talked. I told him that I believe God brought Geoff into my life because he knew how good of a balance that Geoff would be and is for me. Plus, God knew that Geoff would give me beautiful babies some day :). Geoff is my one true love, now more than ever before and I am so thankful for him.

After lunch, I went to Boise Towne Square mall and shopped some more. I called my sister, bought my mom a birthday gift and headed back to Geoff's school to pick him up to head to our doctor's appointment, it was 3:20.

We arrived, 10 minutes late to our doctor's appointment. My heart was racing and my palms were sweating like crazy. I was a nervous, anxious mess of emotions. We walked in and I informed the receptionist that we were there to see Dr. Rudeen. We then turned and walked to our seats, the waiting room was empty. As soon as I sat down, my emotions got the best of me and I began to cry. I cried because the sounds, smells and memories of that place came flooding back. The last time I had been in that waiting room, I was still pregnant and Parker was still alive with a heart rate of 145 bpm. I could not control myself. I tried to take a deep breath, but it just didn't work. Geoff grabbed my hand and I squeezed it for dear life. We walked into the exam room, and my nurse Polly gave me hug and I cried some more. She took my blood pressure and we waited for Dr. Rudeen.

When Dr. Rudeen came in, he immediately got right to the tests. That's what this appointment was all about. Dr. Rudeen, following Parker's birth, had sent the placenta and umbilical cord in for testing and we were there to hear the results. According to Dr. Rudeen, the tests brought back nothing conclusive, other than it appeared that there may have been a hemorrhage. Our doctor also went over my blood tests that had been administered while I was at the hospital. All of them came back just fine. Basically, after all the medical jargon, Geoff and I found out that there was nothing wrong with us genetically. That Parker's death was a fluke. I was prepared for this. I had found out that the majority of parents who have been through what Geoff and I have been through, never get answers.

I then asked Dr. Rudeen, as my doctor, how he would feel about me getting pregnant again. Without even pausing to think Dr. Rudeen responded immediately by saying that Geoff and I can have healthy babies. He then said that after 28 years of practice he's never had a stillbirth happen two times to one woman. That was SO reassuring. Whenever Geoff and I are ready to start trying again, and whenever we get pregnant again, I will be considered high risk, simply because Parker was stillborn. They will follow my pregnancy closely. Run various tests if I want them too. They will simply walk side by side with me to make sure that I feel reassured. That was so helpful to hear. I cried through the entire appointment. I was able to thank Dr. Rudeen for how wonderful he was during those days in the hospital. I was also able to laugh with Dr. Rudeen about how big he predicts our next baby to be (he's predicting 8 or more lbs). The whole appointment was very VERY reassuring. We then got home and got dinner from Pizza Hut and unwound.

I am so thankful for how God has been so good to Geoff and I during these past few weeks. I am so thankful for how he has helped Geoff and I make it through. Monday was a good day for Geoff and I. I was so proud of myself that I was able to be by myself during the majority of the day. It was a good day. I was so relieved to hear that Geoff and I can still have beautiful babies. I was so relieved to hear that the potential for us to have another baby is high! I am so thankful. Monday was such a good day.

I still miss my Parker Geofferson. I still cry for my son, but the hope of more children, and the strength that God provides through that hope, is what gets us through. I am still terrified to be pregnant again, that's normal, but I know that some day, some day soon, Geoff and I will have that chance. And I know that God will be there, walking right beside us, helping us every step of the way, just as he has always done. PRAISE GOD!

Sunday, better then I thought

2008-09-28T15:39:00.001-07:00

Today, Sunday, was a good day.

Sunday started bright and early at 7:30am. I got up, made coffee, opened up the house and relaxed for a bit on the couch. Mom was getting her things together and getting ready for the day. At about 7:45 I woke Geoff up and started getting ready for the day as well. I showered, got dressed and helped mom get her things together to head off to the airport. The ride to the airport was full of conversation. We told stories about meeting various sports celebrities and laughed. It was a good drive. When we arrived at the airport, mom got checked in at Southwest. We grabbed a soda and sat and talked some more. At 10:00am we hugged mom, cried a little and said our goodbyes.

I am so thankful that my mom was able to stay with us for the past two weeks. I am so thankful for my wonderful, WONDERFUL relationship with my mom. She really is one of my very best friends. Last night, as we were watching Return to Me (such a good good movie), I started to feel a little blue. That's the only way I can describe it. I was blue. At first, I couldn't figure out why I was so blue, but after a while I realized why, I was already starting to miss my mom.

I have lived in Idaho for about 6 years now. I moved here in 2002 to attend NNU and have lived here ever since. I always told people that it was far enough away to feel like I was moving away from home, but close enough to where if I needed my family for anything, they were just a days drive away. I never really felt far from my family. However, lately I have felt like there is an ocean between us. So last night, mom and I were sitting on my bed, talking about the new picture we had just hung on the wall (a beautiful black and white print of a tree with no leaves). All of a sudden I blurted out, "Mom, I'm not ready for you to leave, and I'm not ready to go back to church. I'm just not ready." Mom responded by saying, "I'm not ready to leave either." She walked over to where I was sitting and just hugged me. I cried and she cried. We talked about how she would have her cell phone on all the time, for whenever I needed to talk. She told me that I could also just hop in the car and come see her whenever Geoff and I wanted to. And then we cried some more. Geoff eventually came in and laid down on the bed behind me and wrapped his arm around me. We cried. It was another one of those cleansing cries, but my heart still hurt even after. Mom, Geoff and I went back out into the living room and finished our movie and then started watching Cheaper By The Dozen.

I will miss my mom and dad, but I know that they are only a phone call away. I also know that they are only less then a days drive away. They are my foundation that has helped Geoff and I through this grieving process. Geoff and I will be forever grateful for them and all that they have done for us (Mark and Vanessa as well). God has truly blessed Geoff and I with the best parents, and we are eternally grateful for that.

As we left the airport, I cried and hugged my Geoff. We walked outside, got in the car and headed back to Nampa and to church. I was dreading going to church. I had told Geoff earlier that morning that I was not looking forward to church. I was not ready to see people at church and to talk with people at church. I was dreading church. As far as I was concerned, staying at home today would have been more than OK; however, I knew that I was only delaying the inevitable.

We got off the freeway and pulled down the street that the church is on. My heart started racing. My heart started racing and my palms sweating as we walked into church. Geoff and I walked in, I held his hand and glued myself to his side. I told him that he could never, ever leave my side (even as he was in the bathroom, I waiting outside for him). The service had started so we sat in the back (which was actually what I had requested). People's heads turned and I knew that they were looking at us, but I didn't want to make eye contact, I wasn't ready. We sang a few hymns and then had greeting time. DANG IT! I thought we had missed greeting time. Geoff and I stood up and were inundated by people coming over and hugging us. I was not ready for that. I know that that is how they show they care, but I was not ready.

So I hugged what felt like everyone in the church. Some people were good about hugging us and smiling, but others got a little "misty eyed". I was SO not ready for that. There's something about people coming up to me crying that upsets me. I just want to tell them that we are doing really good considering. I want to tell them that they don't need to be sad because all hope is SO NOT lost. I just want to shake them and tell them the verse that has helped Geoff and I get through this, 2 Corinthians 12:9 (read it, so good, so true, so helpful). But I have to remind myself that that is how some people are. Geoff also had to remind me that many of these people probably don't think about us and what we have been through until they see us. I get that, but it's still hard to get used to. The service continued and my father-in-law Mark delivered a wonderful sermon. It, in all honesty, started to feel normal being there.

After the service, Geoff and I stuck close by one another and once again we were surrounded by people, so much so that we couldn't barely leave the pew we were sitting in. I, again, started to feel a little overwhelmed. However, I was glad that some of our friends came up to talk with us. I got to have a normal conversation with Corrie about Alexandria's molars coming in, that felt good. It also felt good to talk with Kara about Parker and about how I have bounced back so well physically. But the thing that blew me away the most was that I was doing just fine. I wasn't melting into a puddle of tears. I wasn't feeling angry, like I thought I would. I wasn't wanting to run and hide. I was doing just fine. I got to hug people that I wanted to hug. I got to laugh with people that I wanted to laugh with. Most of all, I got to feel normal. I harassed Alan about being cuter then him. I laughed with Carol about how excited I was for the Pizza Hut certificates. It felt really good. At one point, I looked and realized that Geoff had left my side. When I found him, he looked at me from across the sanctuary and asked if I was OK. I smiled and nodded. I was more then OK, I was doing really good. As I told Alan, "It feels good to be back. It feels great in fact, because it's normal."

So today was another good day. It was another triumphant step along the road toward healing and our new normal. No, I'm not ready to go back to Wednesday night Bible Study and Game Night. No, I'm not quite ready to have people over. And no, I'm not ready to hang out. But I'm ready to start heading that way. I'm ready to take baby steps and eventually get back to all that. But for now, I'll sit at home, on the couch, with my sleeping husband, watching Sunday afternoon football and feel proud for what I've accomplished today, which is one more step, one more triumphant step with God along the road toward healing and our new normal. PRAISE THE LORD!

Minor Victories

2008-09-25T20:27:00.000-07:00

Today was a pretty good day.

Mom and I went to Geoff's school and took him lunch from McDonald's. We ate in the teacher's lounge at River Valley with the 2nd and 3rd grade teachers. I was so impressed by how each and every one of them treated us. They were perfectly normal, and it felt really good. I had two of the teachers approach me and ask how I was doing. One of them was the PE teacher Kim. For some reason, I thought I had to answer with a witty comment, so I blurted out, "I'm doing good! I was able to button and zip my jeans this morning, my pre-pregnancy jeans so that's good! Minor victories, minor victories." She sort of looked at me and responded with, "Good, OK..." I think I sort of, may have made her feel awkward.

After finishing lunch, mom and I went to the mall and did a little therapeutic shopping. We walked through Macy's and looked at the jewelry. We then headed to Claire's, the one store where I know mom and I could do some serious damage, but we behaved. After Claire's mom and I went into Lane Bryant. We shopped and shopped and as mom was trying on clothes I was hit with a test.

Mom headed into the fitting room and I told her that "we" would be waiting. Evidently my "we" triggered the saleslady to believe that I was pregnant. She asked when I was due to which I replied, "I'm sorry what?" She then repeated herself and I felt my face turn bright bright red. I said, "Oh I'm not pregnant." She then turned a brighter shade of red and said, "I'm so sorry." I then quickly said, "I actually just had my son about a week and half ago so I probably look pregnant because of the loose skin you know." And then I poked my stomach and laughed a little nervous laugh, face still bright red. The saleslady sighed a sigh of relief and said, "Oh, well, congratulations." I then quickly asked if she had any kids. She told me about her 10 year old son and I was relieved. Relieved to not have to awkwardly explain why my son wasn't with me. She walked off and I sat there for a moment, stared at myself in the mirror, pinched my fat and thought about how proud I was of myself. Mom was rejoicing in the fitting room over her find, while I was rejoicing over my ability to successfully navigate such an awkward situation. Mom and I then left Lane Bryant and headed on through the mall to finish our shopping.

One beautiful red scarf, and several other great purchases later, mom and I walked out of the mall and headed to pick up Geoff from work. We got home and got ready to head back out to Applebee's for dinner, mom's treat. We ate a delicious meal of nachos, mozzarella sticks, chicken quesadilla and dinner salads all around. We were stuffed. As we ate, we talked about everything from Geoff's students to our beautiful Parker. As we talked I thought about how proud I was of Geoff and I to be able to sit at dinner and talk about our boy Parker with no tears and no sadness. I also thought about how anyone who was overhearing us probably thought we were in a state of denial with how easily we were talking about him.

I am so thankful for God's goodness and strength to be able to talk about our son. I am so thankful for his strength and continued healing. It was a great conversation. We reminisced about how chubby Parker already was at only 35 weeks. We talked about had he been carried full term he would have been around 9lbs at birth (WOW!). We talked about how much hair he had and how it was a little curly. It was a great conversation with no tears, and no sadness. We laughed about how Geoff said that I could never get rid of him, especially since we know now that he can give me such beautiful babies (it's true, I can't get rid of him, he's too wonderful). We talked about how each of our babies are probably going to be chubby, beautiful babies, just like our Parker. It was a great GREAT conversation. We grabbed our leftovers and headed home.

When we arrived home mom started painting the paver that would read "The Harmons, Geoff, Rachel, Opie, Parker". Mom painted most of the background color, which is the same blue as Parker's nursery and I finished it. After painting Parker's paver, that will sit at the base of Parker's October Glory tree, I got to icing the cookies that we'll take to Mercy Medical Center and Alsip's Funeral home. We made two huge chocolate chip cookies that each read, "Thank you, the Harmons". These are for the nurses at Mercy and the staff of Alsip's who helped us so much last week (truly, it's only been a little over a week since this all began...amazing).

While I was icing the cookies, I wondered about what mom was doing. She didn't really respond, so I inquired a little further. When I walked toward the bathroom, where she was, I found out that she was washing the clip of Parker's hair that the nurses had saved for us. She was being so delicate and careful. I immediately was struck by how much I missed him. I began to feel my eyes burn. I tried to swallow back the tears, but it just didn't work. I cried for my Parker. I said thank you to mom and she said, "Oh, it's my pleasure. I would have been washing his hair if he was here, so this is my pleasure. There's no way I could have left without doing this." I lost it after that. I walked into the living room, where Geoff was sitting on the couch paying bills and told him I needed him to hug me. He cleared off his lap, where I curled up. I held my Geoff and we cried, we cried for what felt like forever. I told him we have to have more babies, maybe 5 or 10 kids. We cried for our boy. We cried for each other. We cried. It's amazing how crying really is cleansing. After that cry, I honestly felt rejuvenated. I felt like it was one less cry to deal with. I felt like after crying we were one more step further along in the healing process.

After I got up off the couch, and gave Geoff his lap back, I looked at the clock and turned it to NBC to watch the Office season premier. The Office is great therapy. Geoff and I laughed the entire time. I need more of the Office, more Dwight, Jim, Pam (YAY there ENGAGED!), more Michael, Stanley, Kevin. I need more of all of them. They make me laugh and they are a great diversion.

Today has been a good day. Today I was able to laugh, cry, be entertained and healthfully reminisce. Today I was reminded of how great God is, and how much he has truly helped Geoff and I through this whole process. Today is one more step along the road toward healing and our new normal. Praise the Lord!!

Today...starting the new normal

2008-09-23T17:53:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day. A good day that started out rough, but slowly got better.

I woke up today at 7:05 with my husband. He was getting ready to go back to work. I'm so proud of him. It felt like the first day of school...for me anyway. The nerves, anxieties and excitement were all present feelings; however, I'm not sure how Geoff felt. As he was getting ready, I went out into the living room and sat on the couch with my mom. The Today show was playing in the background as we watched Geoff put on his motorcycle gear. He walked over and gave me a kiss goodbye. All of a sudden I felt this rush of emotions flood over me. I was instantly hit with the fact that he should have been picking up our baby, giving him a kiss and talking to him goofy or something. I choked back the tears, smiled up at Geoff and gave him a kiss goodbye. He walked out the door and I cuddled on the couch next to mom.

I started to doze off when mom suggested that I go back to bed and rest some more. So I went to my room and laid down. My mind raced through several thoughts. One of which was how on earth can I start to feel normal. I just want to be and feel normal again. My eyes started to burn and I couldn't hold it back any longer. The tears flooded out. The emotions ran down my cheeks and I wept. My mom came in, sat on the bed and rubbed my back just like she did when I was a little girl. She hushed my tears and told me to breath. I slowly started to calm down. I told her I wanted to feel normal. She responded by asking what is normal? Normal is having a baby to hold, feed, love, kiss, coo at, that's normal. At least, that's what normal should have been. Mom pointed out that normal is different now. That I'll have to create a new normal. No, Geoff and I will have to start creating a new normal. We will need to create a new definition, a new sense of normal. I finally relaxed enough to doze off and fall to sleep.

I got up at about 11:00 and got ready for the day. As I stood in the shower I prayed for stregnth and happy feelings. I put on my clothes and continued to pray for stregnth and happy feelings. Those came when I put on my jeans, my pre-pregnancy jeans and found that they are starting to fit more. I still have to rubberband them, but they're fitting better!! ;) (minor victories are good victories AMEN)

Anyhow, dad, mom and myself went to coffee at Flying M. As I sat there, drinking my double tall latte, we talked a little more about being "normal". Dad told me that what I was experiencing was perfectly normal. Not only was I more than likely experiencing normal post partum, but I was experiencing normal amounts of grief on top of that. We talked about how it was perfectly normal for me to cry over my son's death. That it was perfectly normal for me to have small things, like Geoff getting ready for work, trigger thoughts of saddness. This was my normal, for right now. Dad then quickly said that Geoff and I, once everyone left, would start creating our new normal. I cannot wait for that.

After Flying M, mom and I said goobye to dad. He drove home today back to Yakima, mom heads back next Sunday. (I thank the Lord that my dad and mom were able to stay so long. I could not have gotten this far without them.) Mom and I headed to the credit union, where I was going to see some of my coworkers for the first time. As I pulled into the parking lot my heart began to race and my palms began to sweat. Mom asked if I wanted her to go in with me and I told her I would be fine. I sort of rehearsed what I might say or do if anyone tried to approach me, hug me or say anything to me. Mom told me to just breath and get going.

I walked in, hands sweaty, heart racing. I filled out the deposit slip, hands sweating, heart racing, hands shaking. I breathed. No one walked up, no one said anything, I was relieved. I approached Jonnie's counter. Put my deposit down and breathed. Jonnie grabbed my hands, and told me that she'd been thinking and praying for me. She then said, "that's all I'm going to say because then I'll start crying and you'll start crying and we don't want that." I smiled, held my breath, and said a quiet thanks. With my deposit complete I quickly headed back to the car. I breathed a deep sigh of relief. Mom asked how it went and I told her it went fine. I was so thankful to have made it through that. I started the car and we headed to WalMart.

We ran a few more errands, bought a few fun things (two apple paintings from Lemon Tree, an autumn candle and beautiful leaf plate), and headed home. I was so proud of myself for making it through all the errands. I had run into a few people and handled it with grace and ease. The Lord was right there beside me through it all.

We got home and started hanging up the pictures we had purchased, put out the autumn decorations we bought and cleaned the house. I was starting to feel normal. Mom and I laughed, cleaned and talked while Bill Evans played in the background. I lit my mulled cider candle and unwound. It was a great afternoon after a rough morning.

Geoff got home, told me about his day, about how the first graders were the only ones who really asked any questions. They asked if our baby was a boy or a girl, if our baby died, etc. I was so proud of Geoff that he was able to handle it with a smile. Geoff also told me about how his coworkers were so welcoming and loving. Geoff was starting to feel normal.

The road to our new normal runs on the same path of the road towards healing. Geoff and I are headed down that road. Along the road we'll see and run into people who will either help us or drive us crazy. Along the road we'll see and run into things that will remind us of Parker and it might be hard or it may make us smile. Along the road we'll find ourselves and we'll start our new normal. I can't wait.

Healing is slow, but good

2008-09-22T19:14:00.000-07:00

As I sit here, in my living room, I am surrounded by love. I have my dad to my left, my husband stretched out on the couch beside me, my mom working on laundry and my Opus zonked out on the floor.

Today marks a week since Parker's birth. A week ago today at 7:15pm we met our son and said goodbye. What a long week it has been. I feel like I have lived through a lifetime of moments during this week. I have experienced the joys of pregnancy and the devastation of losing your child. I have experienced the pains of labor and the pain of saying goodbye to my son. What a week it has been. With all that has taken place this week, Geoff and I have still found time to begin the healing process.

We made the choice to have Parker's funeral on Thursday the 18th of last week so that we could begin the healing process, however strange that may sound. We decided that we did not want to draw this pain out any longer. We felt that as soon as we began saying goodbye, that that meant we could begin to say hello. So Friday, the 19th Geoff and I began the long road toward healing.

That morning we woke up slowly, feeling like we had just been hit by a 10,000 ton truck. My brother Rob, his wife Keri and their girls, along with my sister Sarah and her husband Brad and my Aunt Claudia, began to make their way to our house slowly. I believe they wanted to give us some space, but thankfully they didn't stay away too long. They arrived at the house and we got ready to head off to Cracker Barrel to have brunch. There we ate, laughed and shopped together. What a therapeutic time. Each meal meant more laughter and more conversation.

During this particular meal, my brother asked the question that I believe was weighing on every one's minds, "So, when are you guys gonna get back on the horse?" We laughed, looked at each other and both blurted out that we are kind of scared. Then we quickly said that as soon as my doctor gave me the green light, and as soon as we felt ready, we would start trying again. I was very proud of us to even be able to think of having more children. That to me was a sign that we had begun to heal slowly...slowly.

Another conversation that struck me as a "good sign" happened yesterday. Yesterday was a hard day, a VERY hard day. Yesterday, Sunday, marked a week since we had been to the hospital. It was a week ago yesterday that Geoff and I got the awful news that our son Parker had died en utero. Yesterday was a hard day. However, we had a conversation yesterday regarding Parker's nursery and what we would do when we were ready to pack up his clothes and things. We talked about how we would take the crib apart and how we would put the changing table away. We talked about buying a container for his clothes and a container for his memorial. Now, mind you, this does not mean that Geoff and I are going to pack up his nursery tomorrow, no, but it was very encouraging that we were even able to discuss it. That to me marked another step along the road to healing...slowly...slowly...slowly.

The last and final thing to happen that struck me as a "good sign" happened today. Today was a little better than yesterday. Today I only had one moment where I really broke down and missed my son. That happened when I was tidying up Parker's nursery. It had kind of become a dumping ground of gifts that had been brought in two Friday's ago (gifts like, a bouncer, bibs, cute Halloween outfits, etc.). It had also become a dumping ground of flower arrangements from the funeral, cards that we had received, and pieces that Geoff and I wanted to hold onto to memorialize Parker. So I decided to tidy up. It was during this time that I broke down and cried for my son Parker. This was not the "good sign" that came later in the day when Geoff and I went to buy Parker's headstone.

We pulled into the parking lot and were greeting by several beautiful headstones. My heart was doing fine. Geoff and I held hands as we walked the path toward the front door to Hanson's Memorial. We walked in and sat down at the desk. The man on the other side of the desk from us asked what we were needing. I calmly said, "We need a headstone for our son." I then thought, I am so proud of myself for being able to say that. We then went through the motions of picking out the best design for the headstone. We went with something very simple. We put his full name, date of birth and death and the scripture reference for 2 Corin. 12:9 (the verse that has helped Geoff and I through all of this). Every now and then I would reach out and touch my husband's leg and give his hand a squeeze. I would find myself staring at him and admiring how he and I were able to calmly get through this.

As we left Hanson's Memorial, holding hands, Geoff and I marveled at how we got through that with no tears. I was so proud of us. We had truly showed that we were well into the healing process. That we were able to make it through picking out a headstone for our son, something that no parent should ever have to experience, this showed me that we were one more step into the healing process...slowly...slowly...slowly...slowly.

So we're doing this. We are healing with grace, patience and the reality that this is going to be the hardest path traveled of our lives. We are learning and growing through all of this. We are realizing that tears are healthy, sadness is normal and having faith and leaning heavy on the Lord is the only way.

So slowly...slowly...slowly...slowly...slowly we heal, together, with God.

Blessed and Thankful

2008-09-21T06:52:00.000-07:00

Where do I begin this blog. I'll start off with talking about my son. Parker Geofferson Harmon was born at 7:15pm on Monday the 15th of September at Mercy Medical Center in Nampa, ID. He weighed in at 6lbs 3oz and 20 1/2 inches long. Mind you he was only 35 weeks along. He was going to be a large baby :). He had a full head of dark hair and a beautiful little mouth. He had a button nose like his daddy and long feet and fingers like his mommy. He was beautiful and perfect in every way. Geoff and I were and are very thankful for that.

We are also thankful for our nurses at Mercy. From the moment we walked into labor and delivery at 6:00pm on Sunday night the 14th we were assisted by some of the best nurses. Deborah and Nicole were the ones who had the unpleasant task of being present when Geoff and I received our devastating news that Parker's heart wasn't beating. However, they were both Christian women who informed us that they would be praying for us throughout this time. Our night nurses were Ingrid and Jane. Jane was very soft spoken and pleasant and Ingrid had a very warm and caring personality that showed itself in a smile every time she walked in (which, let me tell you, helped TONS during that night). Monday morning brought the most stellar nurse of them all, Carrie. We were her only patients that day. We found out that not only had she herself experienced what Geoff and I were going through (she had had stillborn twins), but that her mother had just died back in March and we were her first distress case since her mother's death. I believe that she was an answer to pray and was brought to us by God. She was so helpful, answering questions about what Parker may look like when he was born, how we can start the healing process, and what options were available in terms of support groups. Carrie's shift started at 7am on Monday the 15th and ended 12 hours later; however, she didn't leave our sides until 9pm that night (she had an hour commute back to Nyssa that night as well). She was an amazing nurse for us and a real answer to prayer. Our night nurse was Julie who was very caring and helpful. As my mom put it, she helped to tuck us all in for the night, bringing in an extra cot for Geoff and more blankets and pillows for mom, dad and Geoff. She was wonderful. The other Carrie was our morning nurse for Tuesday the 16th. She brought us a delicious meal provided by the hospital and helped get us ready to check out. All in all, the nurses that assisted us, Deborah, Nicole, Ingrid, Jane, Carrie P., Julie and Carrie were all wonderful women. Geoff and I will be forever thankful to that staff of nurses at Mercy.

Dr. Rudeen is my OB/GYN. He is a very soft spoken, gentle doctor, I guess that kind of helps in his line of work :). He has been so amazing during this entire pregnancy. He has answered all of our questions with patience, seeing as how I worried about everything. He has simply been wonderful during my entire pregnancy. However, I believe I truly saw how amazing Dr. Rudeen was when my son was born. On Sunday, they called Dr. Rudeen in to come and run an ultrasound because Deborah and Nicole couldn't bring up Parker's heartbeat on the monitor. Dr. Rudeen came in in shorts and his crocs and got right to work. He moved the ultrasound around my belly and stopped. He then delivered the most devastating news in the most gentle way possible. He informed me that all four chambers of Parker's heart were not moving. In other words, our son had passed sometime in the past couple of days. His heart broke just as mine and Geoff's hearts were breaking. He then came, sat on the side of my bed and informed me of my choices. We decided on starting the induction process that night. After we talked, Dr. Rudeen squeezed my hand and told me we can still have healthy babies, that stillbirths are very rare. He then gave me a hug and told me he'd be praying for Geoff and I. I was floored at the warmth and kindness that came through Dr. Rudeen. My heart was moved and blessed.

The next day, Monday, Dr. Rudeen showed up at 8:30am to check and see how we were doing both in terms of my labor and my mental health (as well as Geoff's). He told us that he would be in and out checking on us throughout the day to see how my progress was developing. At about 4pm Monday, Dr. Rudeen came in and we got to pushing. He was in and out during the 3 hours that I was pushing. When the time came to deliver Parker, he was right there. He gently laid Parker on my chest as everyone in the room cried. He finished his work and then stayed for a bit afterward. He told me I did a great job (which was, in all it's weirdness, very comforting). He then told me that after looking at the umbilical cord and placenta that it was his cord that appeared to have failed Parker. Not only was it not tightly wound, but it was bright red showing that a hemorrhage had occurred sometime in the past couple of days. Also, the cord was short, which is a common trait amongst stillborn babies. All of these things would never have showed up on an ultrasound. When Dr. Rudeen informed us of these things, he followed it up quickly by saying that we can have healthy babies and as soon as we are ready we can sit down and talk with him. Geoff and I are so thankful for Dr. Rudeen, he will ALWAYS be my OB/GYN as long as he is still in practice.

Our families were present with us during this entire process from that awful Sunday night; when my mother-in-law Vanessa showed up right after we received our devastating news, to Thursday the 18th when we laid our son to rest at Kohlerlawn in Nampa. Our family has been by our side this entire time, through each tear and depressed moment. As I said before, Vanessa came to the hospital as soon as Geoff and I found out the awful news. Later that evening, she picked up Mark and brought him to our room. Grady and my cousin Mandy showed up at about 7 or 8 that night. They all stayed until my parents arrived at 12:30am that Monday morning (Mandy didn't actually leave until about 1 or 1:30am). Mom, dad, Mark, Vanessa, Grady and Mandy were present during each hour of those two and a half days that we were at Mercy. They offered laughter and diverting conversation as well as arms to hug and shoulders to cry on. Our moms were then present for Parker's birth. They assisted in holding up my legs and encouraging Geoff and I every step of the way during those three hours of pushing. They helped make that experience as joyful as they possibly could. My dad describes walking past my delivery room and hearing laughter during the delivery. That is exactly how our moms helped during that process. Geoff and I are forever thankful for our moms, dads, Grady and Mandy for walking each step with us during those awful two and a half days.

Our siblings came into town as fast as they could. Robby (my older brother), Keri and the girls showed up Monday night late. Brad, Sarah (my older sister) and D.O.G. (their dog) showed up Tuesday evening. Greg (Geoff's older brother) showed up Wednesday late evening at about 11 from Phoenix, AZ. Robby, Keri, Sarah and Brad plus my Aunt Claudia, Mandy, my parents, Geoff's parents, Greg and Grady were our support system that we leaned on hard, and continue to lean on during this process. They were the ones that we surrounded ourselves with from Sunday the 14th all the way through Thursday the 18th. They prayed with us, hugged us and laughed with us. They offered their wisdom and advice when needed. They listen to us and assisted with our grieving. They have all been amazing in every way.

One of the most amazing ways that my family helped Geoff and I was to make my birthday one that I'll never forget. They simply made me feel normal that day. My sister Sarah and cousin Mandy took me out to get my hair done. We took pictures in the salon and laughed the entire time, such good therapy. My mom prepared cinnamon rolls for my birthday breakfast and we relaxed at home for much of the day. Robby helped Geoff unwind on my birthday by playing video games with him. They battled it out, but Geoff won 6 games to 1. It was a great day. That evening, my family took me out to the Olive Garden where our waiters brought out two full cakes for my birthday dessert. We laughed and talked and attempted truly to be the loudest table in the restaurant. It was an amazing birthday evening. Geoff and I are so thankful for the family that God has blessed us with.

Ever since Sunday night, when Geoff and I discovered we had lost our son Parker, the warmth and love from our out of town family (east coast and west coast aunts, uncles and cousins), friends, fellow church members and co-workers has been pouring in like we could never have imagined. Our cell phones and house phone have been ringing off the hook with encouraging texts and voicemail. Our house, currently, is overflowing with flowers and cards offering sympathy, support and prayer. We are forever thankful for these people and all their thoughts and prayers.

Finally, and most important of all, there is no way that Geoff and I could have gotten through those days from Sunday the 14th through Thursday the 18th without our faith in God. We have had to live and learn what it means for God to be strong in our weakness. We have experienced the calming presence of the Holy Spirit and the overpowering strength of God. We know what it means to lean on his everlasting arms.

Sunday, at church, I had this nagging feeling to go to the altar and pray for Parker. I asked the Lord to reassure me that everything would be OK. Later that evening, as we walked from triage in labor and delivery to our delivery room I felt a calmness come over me, a peace that transcended all understanding. My heart rate went back to normal and my mind was cleared by this calming presence that I can only identify as the Holy Spirit. At that moment, God offered that calming reassurance that I had asked for earlier at church and He has continued to offer it. Each and every morning Geoff and I have asked for God's strength to guide us through the day and each and every day He has provided that for us. It is only because of God's strength that we have made it this far and will continue to heal and grow from this.

God is good, and He has proved that to us time again during this past week. Geoff and I can honestly say, that not once during this entire process have we questioned our faith. Not once, during this entire past week have we questioned God's abilities. My uncle Jim put it best when he talked with my mom last week. He said, this is shit and Jesus is deep in the shit with us.

God has not abandoned us, He has not forsaken us or forgotten about us. He is walking every step of the way with us and through this. God is good and because of that I will lean on Him forever and depend on his unending strength forever. Praise the Lord for all that He has done and all that He will do for Geoff and I. We are eternally grateful for all He has done for us and all He will do.