Sunday, better then I thought

Today, Sunday, was a good day.

Sunday started bright and early at 7:30am. I got up, made coffee, opened up the house and relaxed for a bit on the couch. Mom was getting her things together and getting ready for the day. At about 7:45 I woke Geoff up and started getting ready for the day as well. I showered, got dressed and helped mom get her things together to head off to the airport. The ride to the airport was full of conversation. We told stories about meeting various sports celebrities and laughed. It was a good drive. When we arrived at the airport, mom got checked in at Southwest. We grabbed a soda and sat and talked some more. At 10:00am we hugged mom, cried a little and said our goodbyes.

I am so thankful that my mom was able to stay with us for the past two weeks. I am so thankful for my wonderful, WONDERFUL relationship with my mom. She really is one of my very best friends. Last night, as we were watching Return to Me (such a good good movie), I started to feel a little blue. That's the only way I can describe it. I was blue. At first, I couldn't figure out why I was so blue, but after a while I realized why, I was already starting to miss my mom.

I have lived in Idaho for about 6 years now. I moved here in 2002 to attend NNU and have lived here ever since. I always told people that it was far enough away to feel like I was moving away from home, but close enough to where if I needed my family for anything, they were just a days drive away. I never really felt far from my family. However, lately I have felt like there is an ocean between us. So last night, mom and I were sitting on my bed, talking about the new picture we had just hung on the wall (a beautiful black and white print of a tree with no leaves). All of a sudden I blurted out, "Mom, I'm not ready for you to leave, and I'm not ready to go back to church. I'm just not ready." Mom responded by saying, "I'm not ready to leave either." She walked over to where I was sitting and just hugged me. I cried and she cried. We talked about how she would have her cell phone on all the time, for whenever I needed to talk. She told me that I could also just hop in the car and come see her whenever Geoff and I wanted to. And then we cried some more. Geoff eventually came in and laid down on the bed behind me and wrapped his arm around me. We cried. It was another one of those cleansing cries, but my heart still hurt even after. Mom, Geoff and I went back out into the living room and finished our movie and then started watching Cheaper By The Dozen.

I will miss my mom and dad, but I know that they are only a phone call away. I also know that they are only less then a days drive away. They are my foundation that has helped Geoff and I through this grieving process. Geoff and I will be forever grateful for them and all that they have done for us (Mark and Vanessa as well). God has truly blessed Geoff and I with the best parents, and we are eternally grateful for that.

As we left the airport, I cried and hugged my Geoff. We walked outside, got in the car and headed back to Nampa and to church. I was dreading going to church. I had told Geoff earlier that morning that I was not looking forward to church. I was not ready to see people at church and to talk with people at church. I was dreading church. As far as I was concerned, staying at home today would have been more than OK; however, I knew that I was only delaying the inevitable.

We got off the freeway and pulled down the street that the church is on. My heart started racing. My heart started racing and my palms sweating as we walked into church. Geoff and I walked in, I held his hand and glued myself to his side. I told him that he could never, ever leave my side (even as he was in the bathroom, I waiting outside for him). The service had started so we sat in the back (which was actually what I had requested). People's heads turned and I knew that they were looking at us, but I didn't want to make eye contact, I wasn't ready. We sang a few hymns and then had greeting time. DANG IT! I thought we had missed greeting time. Geoff and I stood up and were inundated by people coming over and hugging us. I was not ready for that. I know that that is how they show they care, but I was not ready.

So I hugged what felt like everyone in the church. Some people were good about hugging us and smiling, but others got a little "misty eyed". I was SO not ready for that. There's something about people coming up to me crying that upsets me. I just want to tell them that we are doing really good considering. I want to tell them that they don't need to be sad because all hope is SO NOT lost. I just want to shake them and tell them the verse that has helped Geoff and I get through this, 2 Corinthians 12:9 (read it, so good, so true, so helpful). But I have to remind myself that that is how some people are. Geoff also had to remind me that many of these people probably don't think about us and what we have been through until they see us. I get that, but it's still hard to get used to. The service continued and my father-in-law Mark delivered a wonderful sermon. It, in all honesty, started to feel normal being there.

After the service, Geoff and I stuck close by one another and once again we were surrounded by people, so much so that we couldn't barely leave the pew we were sitting in. I, again, started to feel a little overwhelmed. However, I was glad that some of our friends came up to talk with us. I got to have a normal conversation with Corrie about Alexandria's molars coming in, that felt good. It also felt good to talk with Kara about Parker and about how I have bounced back so well physically. But the thing that blew me away the most was that I was doing just fine. I wasn't melting into a puddle of tears. I wasn't feeling angry, like I thought I would. I wasn't wanting to run and hide. I was doing just fine. I got to hug people that I wanted to hug. I got to laugh with people that I wanted to laugh with. Most of all, I got to feel normal. I harassed Alan about being cuter then him. I laughed with Carol about how excited I was for the Pizza Hut certificates. It felt really good. At one point, I looked and realized that Geoff had left my side. When I found him, he looked at me from across the sanctuary and asked if I was OK. I smiled and nodded. I was more then OK, I was doing really good. As I told Alan, "It feels good to be back. It feels great in fact, because it's normal."

So today was another good day. It was another triumphant step along the road toward healing and our new normal. No, I'm not ready to go back to Wednesday night Bible Study and Game Night. No, I'm not quite ready to have people over. And no, I'm not ready to hang out. But I'm ready to start heading that way. I'm ready to take baby steps and eventually get back to all that. But for now, I'll sit at home, on the couch, with my sleeping husband, watching Sunday afternoon football and feel proud for what I've accomplished today, which is one more step, one more triumphant step with God along the road toward healing and our new normal. PRAISE THE LORD!