Birthdays and a Bench

This weekend was a great weekend, PRAISE THE LORD!

Yesterday, October 19th, marked Parker's due date. Yesterday, several people were worried how Geoff and I would be doing. Geoff and I didn't even know how yesterday would go. Thank the Lord, it went really well.

Saturday we went to the Farmer's Market and bought a bench for his memorial corner. It's beautiful. It's made from old barn boards. So perfect. It's 4 1/2 feet long and fits perfectly underneath his October Glory tree. Every single leaf on his tree has turned a dark crimson red. It's gorgeous. It's almost as if it happened overnight. So now, Parker's corner is complete. I'll be taking pictures soon and sharing them with everyone.

Off and on, on Saturday, Geoff and I talked about Parker and our subsequent children (subsequent children are those you have after having a stillborn baby). We discussed how we would introduce Parker's little brother or sister to him. How we would bring out his scrapbook on his birthday and share the pictures with them. It's strange to think of how we will remember him on his birthday. It's strange to think about because it's simply one more thing that I have to get used to, introducing our subsequent children to a brother they will never meet here on this earth.

***

On Friday we had Mark and Vanessa over to watch the BSU/Hawaii game and celebrate Mark's birthday. Towards the end of the evening Vanessa and I went into Parker's room. I wanted to show her his memory box. We opened the lid and knelt on the floor beside it. I wasn't sure if I should pull everything out or if we should simply pull out what we wanted to see.

Gradually, as we knelt there, we ended up pulling out his ultrasound picture album and flipping through that. While we were looking at his ultrasounds I had mentioned that I was scared to get pregnant again. She reassured me (as have my parents and my husband) that it's totally normal to be scared. She said it's like getting in a car accident (keep reading). When you get in a car accident, the first thing you are scared to do is get back in the car. The more you do, the easier it gets. Then, it's hard to drive down the street your accident was on. Again, the more you do, the easier it gets. She then suggested surrounding myself with women who have had stillborn babies and then gone on to have subsequent children. She said the more I'm around these women, the more excited I will become about being pregnant again. Just like being in the car accident, the more I drive, the easier it will be. The more I drive down that street, the easier it will get. The more I surround myself with people who have seen the other side of this grief, the easier it will be to imagine Geoff and I on the other side.

In all honesty, we want to have more children. I want to be pregnant again. We want to start as soon as possible. BUT at the same time we want to wait. We want to heal. We want to grieve completely. So we will wait. We will surround ourselves with women who have healthy children since their loss. We will become more hopeful, and then we will start trying again.

***

2 Corinthians 12:9