I Will Rejoice!

Yesterday was my first day back at work and it was a pretty good day because I was able to tell people about Parker.

I woke up yesterday morning, not really wanting to be awake. I hit the snooze three different times. Then finally, after Geoff woke up, I reluctantly pushed myself out of bed. Geoff kept asking me how I was doing and feeling. I kept telling him I was just fine, I don't think he really believed me. I could tell he was worried.

At about 7:40, Geoff left the house and headed to work. I finished getting ready. After putting on my makeup, doing my hair and getting dressed, I looked at the clock and saw that I had time to spare!! That never happens! I was so excited! I went into the kitchen, poured myself a cup of coffee and heated up my chocolate costco muffin. I stood in the kitchen, drank my coffee and ate my yummy muffin while listening to Bill Evans. I thought about Parker. Prayed for Geoff and I and prayed for our day ahead. I then took my coffee and walked to Parker's nursery.

I turned on the light, stood in the doorway and looked around his sweet little room. I thought about the times that I would sit in the rocking chair, rub my belly and tell him how excited we were to meet him. Every time I think about Parker these days, the thoughts are quickly followed up with reminding myself that we can have more children. So as I stood there I began to smile at the fact that I knew, some day, the crib would be filled. It would be filled with a beautiful, chubby little baby boy or girl that would have mine and Geoff's features. I can't wait! All of a sudden, I looked at the clock and saw that I needed to head off to work.

I arrived at the credit union at 9:15, walked in, said good morning and went straight to my desk. I sat down, and realized that I was doing really good. My cell phone rang an hour later, it was Geoff. He was wondering if I was doing OK. I told him everything was fine and that I was doing better than I thought. He asked how everyone was treating me. I told him how wonderful Linnea and Tina were. He was relieved to hear that I was OK.

Later that day, a member came in and walked up to my desk. He leaned in, and whispered to me that he heard about what had happened and that he was sorry. He then went on to say that lately he had heard more and more about people who had also had stillborn children. He said that he knew it was something that people really didn't want to talk about. I then stopped him and said that I love talking about my son. I love telling people about how beautiful Parker was and how chubby he was. I told him that to not talk about my son would mean that he had died in vain. I went on to inform him that several states don't even acknowledge Parker's birth, because they don't give birth certificates to stillborns (Idaho is one of those states), that's another reason why I love to talk about Parker.

People have to understand that, with Geoff and I, we are open books. We want you to ask about Parker. We want you to inquire about his birth and what it was like. We want to be able to tell everyone about his short beautiful life. It brings us joy and helps keep his memory stay alive. To not have people ask, to not talk about him, to not remember him hurts more. It hurts more to be left alone, it hurts more to have people dodge the issue. It hurts the most to have people, who you know knew you were pregnant, to behave as if nothing happened. That hurts more than remembering him and talking about him.

My son's birth will not be "swept under the rug". It will not become a sore subject. Parker Geofferson will never be forgotten.

It is getting easier and easier to fondly think of him. It's getting easier to remember his sweet face. It's getting more warm and comforting for me to think about how it felt to hold him. I love those memories. If I don't remember those things, they will die. I need to think about him and talk about him. It's a necessity for me.

A few days ago I went to lunch with my mom and my mother-in-law (my two moms as I like to call them :)) We ate lunch, talked about various subjects and laughed. We had a great time. Towards the end of lunch I brought up Parker. We talked about his birth. Laughed about my two moms holding up my legs. We laughed about some of things that happened during the delivery (bm's and my embarassment of them, ya da ya da). It was a great conversation. We also talked about how stinkin cute Parker was!! I told them that Geoff said most newborns look kind of alien to him, but that Parker was already such a cute kid! We laughed about how, the one question that Geoff asked, the one thing that he had to know, was how big Parker's testicles were (his exact words to Carrie, our nurse, were "I just have to know, did he have big testicles?"). That still cracks me up. It felt so good to talk about all of that. It felt so good to remember and laugh about those days in the hospital. That to me shows we are healing.

God allows us to rejoice in the midst of sorrow. He helps us find the silver lining. He helps us laugh and remember fondly. That to me is how God shows his strength in my weakness. That is how God helps me get through each day. That is how God helps me talk to people, who assume I just want to forget, and tell them that I will never forget.

And so, as we continue along our path toward healing and a new normal, I rejoice. I rejoice in the memory of my Parker. I rejoice in the memory of his birth and beautiful little life. I rejoice in telling others about him and how stinkin adorable he was. I will forever rejoice with God concerning Parker's life, because without him there is no rejoicing. PRAISE GOD!

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I just have to add one more thing. This morning, I needed a little boost, a little pick me up, so I turn on my Selah CD and listened to this song, I Bless Your Name. It helped so much to remind me how it helps to remember to praise God even in the tough times when we feel chained down. That when we praise Him, when we rejoice in His presence and in the beauty of who He is, our chains of pain and suffering break away and we are freed. PRAISE GOD!

Here are the lyrics

In prisoner's chains
With bleeding stipes
Paul and Silas prayed that night
And in their pain began to sing
Their chains were loosed
And they were freed
I bless Your Name
I bless Your Name
I give You honor, give You praise
You are the Life, the Truth, the Way
I bless Your Name
I bless Your Name

Some midnight hour
If you should find
You're in a prison in your mind
Reach out and praise
Defy those chains
And they will fall
In Jesus' Name

We bless Your Name
We bless Your Name
We give You honor, give You praise
You are the Life, the Truth, the Way
We bless Your Name
We bless Your Name

AMEN!