About Me

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Kirkland, Washington, United States
I am a child of God. I am a follower of Jesus. I am a wife, momma, daughter, sister and friend. I love good conversation and hearty laughter. A good cup of coffee is always appreciated. Most of all, I desire to bring others into an experience with Jesus. One that will shape their lives and rock their souls for Him. Geoff is my best friend and amazing husband. Parker is my handsome boy who lives in Heaven. Norah is my bright star and bringer of joy. Tori is my overcomer and peaceful warrior. I live to show Jesus' love to each person He places in my path. I pray this blog strengthens you, comforts you and encourages you and that it MOST OF ALL causes you to want to get to know Jesus in a deeper level.

Monday, September 12, 2011

The moment I knew what love was.

Parker Geofferson Harmon would have been three Thursday, the 15th of September. He entered this world and left it in one breath. I miss him deeply with every fiber of my being even still, three years later. Every time I see his picture, or look at his little hand mold, I ache with an intense desire to hold him once more.

I remember that Sunday afternoon, when we walked into Mercy's Labor and Delivery, like it was yesterday. I remember the sights, sounds and smells of that part of hospital. I remember the silence of the Doppler as it moved around my large nine month pregnant belly. I remember each individual thud of my heart as I waited and prayed for something miraculous to take place. I remember the walk from triage to the delivery room and the feeling of complete peace and calm of the Holy Spirits presence that came over me. I remember the deathly silence of the ultrasound machine as Dr. Rudeen delivered the devastating news that he was "over all four chambers of the heart and they are not moving". I remember it all, every bit of it. Every second of every moment of our time there...

I remember the pain of each contraction. I remember the relief of the epidural. I remember the moments of light heartedness when I experienced some of the more...embarrassing moments of delivery. I remember the strength that Geoff's mom and my mom provided during the delivery. I remember the silence of Parker's arrival into the world...

I remember the sound as the cameras clicked furiously to capture Parker. I remember passing him around and watching each person's face as they held him and quietly said their goodbyes. I remember the feeling of being squeezed by my parents and my in-laws and feeling so much love. I remember when Geoff, with Parker in his arms, left our room with dad Russell, dad Harmon and Grady and walked the long walk to the waiting car that would take Parker's body to the funeral home…

I remember it all, but what I remember most was all the love. I know it sounds hippie-ish, but it's true. There was so much love there. I remember being overwhelmed by all the love that was poured on us when we were in the hospital waiting to meet with the doctor. I remember Jim Rotz coming into our hospital room and praying with us that God would be near and feeling God's love pouring out of Mr. Rotz while he prayed. I remember my mother-in-law holding my left foot and my mom holding my right foot while I was in delivery and feeling so overwhelmed by the motherly love that was pouring out of them as they literally held me up through Parker's delivery and gave me the courage to press on and push through. I remember our dads, who are both pastors, praying over us and showering us with a love that only a father's strength can give.

I also remember, the moment I looked at Parker and saw his sweet little face and his sweet little body, being filled with love like I had never felt before. This was not the same love that I felt towards my family or towards my husband Geoff. This was a new love. A love that made me want to switch places with my son. A love that made me want, so badly, to turn back the hands of time and try and save him (even though I knew that would be impossible). It was a love that I could only equate to that of a mother. I had heard about this love. I had even had talks with my mom about how my priorities would change after Parker's birth because of this love. But to experience it at that moment was, simply put...unreal. My heart wanted to explode when I looked at his little face, so still and so quiet. I remember feeling strange that I couldn't cry at that moment, but I believe now it was because of the intense amount of love I was feeling. I did not want to let my son go and say goodbye.

Now, three years later I find that love has not changed. Five months after Parker died, we found out we were pregnant with our daughter Norah. I remember being overwhelmed and wondering if I was truly ready to ride this roller coaster again, but unfortunately, the wheels were already set in motion. Nine months later, on November 18th, our sweet Norah Joan was brought into this world screaming and my heart was filled once again with even more love.

It did not replace our love for Parker, but rather strengthened it. I learned, this time, that a mother's love simply grows. One child is not loved or cherished more then another, it simply grows and grows and grows.

Parker Geofferson will always be my first born. He will always be Norah's big brother and I will always love him with the love that only a mother knows. The love that is overwhelming at times. That makes your throat feel tight with emotion, and your heart feel like it has hit it's makes fill. It is a love like none other. It's truly an unshakable, indescribable love. A love that I cherish knowing and a moment that I will never forget, the moment I fell in love with my son.

1 comment:

Mom H said...

Rachel, I came upon your post this morning through one of those "God coincidences." I have been feeling rather mournful as Parker's 3rd birthday approaches experiencing fresh pangs of grief yet reminded of the magnitude of our Lord's grace and comfort during those dark days. Thank you for letting me stay close.