Just Right...I Hope

I don't know what I think about all of this, but I have found that the closer I get to Norah's first birthday, the more strange it feels to finally be here.

I have waited over two years to experience a first birthday of my own. Well, not my own, but of one of my children. I know that we had Parker's first birthday, but it was not (obviously) how I had intended it to be. So now, to be faced, head on, with a first birthday in just two weeks is sort of freaking me out!

I'm really trying to not be that mom. You know, the one who goes way to "all out" for the first birthday. The one who buys way to many gifts and just makes an overall "too big a deal" out of this birthday. However, COME ON PEOPLE! WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR SO STINKIN' LONG!!

So I grapple. I grapple with the concept of over doing it to the point where I fear I'm "under" doing it. Ugh...

So, I hope I can get enough planned to make it a perfect first birthday. A Goldilocks birthday, if you will. You know, not too big, not too small, but rather...just right, here's hoping.

So Happy!

A few weeks back I think I posted something about wanting to start a support group at Lifeline for families who have lost. Well, on Monday night of this past week, I met with Willie from Lifeline and discussed the possiblity of starting such a group. I am so happy to inform all of you readers that this group will start meeting middle of January!!

I cannot wait! I believe that this has taken place all in the Lord's perfect time. According to Willie, after she received my email, asking if we could meet sometime to discuss this possiblity, she was informed by Diann (the co-director of Lifeline) that it was needed. I feel that is confirmation.

Our group is designed to help support women who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, infertility or any loss of a baby at any point during pregnancy or after. It is the only faith based support group in Idaho and one that, I believe, will affect many lives. I hope and pray that women from all around, all walks of life and at every stage of grief, choose to attend this group.

This is something that I feel I have been called to do. I believe that, after loosing Parker God reshaped the calling for my life and made this, supporting other families who have lost a baby, to be my new calling. OR, maybe and even better yet, maybe it was my calling all a long, and loosing Parker made it that much stronger, to the point where, every day my heart is burdened for new families I hear of who have lost.

I ask that you would join with me in praying for this support group. I will be working on a brochure to hand out at Mercy Medical Center's Labor and Delivery ward as well as local OB/GYN offices and Alsips Funeral Home. I ask that you would ask God to bring all the hurting families to this support group. That He would encourage other mommies and daddies who have lost to join together to help each other heal and grow together and closer with Him through this support group. That is my prayer.

Thanks guys and enjoy the extra hour of sleep.

Never Fails...

...every time I hear of another mommy and daddy who have lost, my heart breaks and I go right back to the place Geoff and I were when we lost our Parker.

I find myself desiring, strongly, to run to that mommy and tell her everything will be alright. I find myself wanting, so desperately to burst into their hospital room and reassure them that God is near and holding them tight.

But I know that I can't, so I wait and I pray for them every day. Every time I think about Parker I pray for other mommies and daddies who have lost.

If you could pray with me for these families, that would be wonderful!

Oh to work from home...

It's so hard to be a working mom. I hate the fact that I'm away from my Norah for 8 hours a day. I hate it. However, I fully understand and except the fact that I have chosen this lifestyle for myself. Regardless, it's still hard.

So I've been on the hunt for work from home opportunities. I've checked into several options out there, but I am so nervous about taking the plunge. I've even looked into part time work. I just want more time with my Norah.

If any one has any advice or ideas that would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

I think I have a problem

I have found that I stalk people online.

I'll log onto facebook, go to a friends page, look at their friends and so on and so on until I'm on someone's facebook that I don't even know, staring at their pictures and reading about them. Is this weird? I think so.

What's really weird is that I find myself getting inspired by many of the people that I stalk on facebook or here on blogger. I find myself being moved to try new things or to step out of my comfort zone and attempt something that I never thought I would do.

For instance, I have been intrigued by the thought of a "v-log". Yup, I am toying with the idea of a video blog. How crazy would that be?! I have always had a love affair with talking and I personally think I'm better at talking then I am at writing, at least for the most part that seems to be true. If only I could get my husband to agree to this, then I might do it.

Also, I have been inspired to not stick to one topic of blogging. For the last few years I have blogged strickly about my Parker and as life changes and morphs, I have discovered that there is so much more I want to say. So I'm going to continue to blog about my Parker, but also about other life happenings because the blog is, after all, titled Rachel's Ramblings 365.

So, just wanted to share about my stalker-ish ways and about what's going on in my head in an effort to figure it all out for myself.

Thanks for reading everyone!! Stay tuned!

DREAMS

I dream a lot, but not when I sleep. I mean, I daydream a lot. I daydream about what it would be like to be on TV hosting my own show. I daydream about what it would be like to have tons of money and be able to purchase anything and everything I would ever want. I daydream about what it would be like to travel all over and not be afraid of flying. I daydream a lot.

Lately, I've been daydreaming about several things. One of them is owning my own business. I have this dream about owning my own cupcake bakery and making cupcakes for a living. Cupcakes for weddings, birthday parties, and just for enjoying everyday. I would love to do this. So far, Robin and I have been working on making this dream a reality. We are going to start small, from our homes and then hopefully it will grow into something big where we can open a shop. I dream about that shop too. I picture a cute little store front where people can come, sit down, have a cup of coffee or a cold glass of milk and enjoy a delicious, fresh from the oven cupcake. MMmmm....someday soon this will come true.

The other dream I have is of being a public speaker, a motivational public speaker. I would love LOVE to travel around and speak in front of groups. I daydream what it would be like to be asked to speak in front of a large crowd and share my testimony and give hope. I daydream of what it would be like to be able to touch the lives of perfect strangers in profound ways simply by sharing my journey with them. I daydream of being able to quit my 9-5 job to pursue this. Someday soon this will come true as well.

Finally, my last dream is of writing a book about our Parker. I would love to be able to publish our story of that first year following his death and then being able to touch people through that book. What I wouldn't give for that opportunity. It truly wasn't until I started blogging our journey that first year, that I realized that I could write and that I loved to write. Sometimes, I wish I could go back to NNU and major in Journalism or English or something along those lines. Or even just go back to college entirely and major in Creative Writing. Someday soon, I hope, this dream will come true.

These are my dreams. I hope and pray that at least one of them comes true. That maybe someday, I'll be announcing the grand opening of ZetaNorah's Cupcakery, or maybe giving the dates of my speaking engagements or maybe telling you all where my book will be sold. Who knows, all I know is I'm going to keep dreaming and keep pursuing those dreams however silly it may or may not be.

Happy Tuesday everyone!

Happy Birthday to ME!

Today is my 27th birthday. How is that even possible. I have started and restarted this blog twice now and each time I have a different topic regarding age that I want to discuss.

The first one started out about how I'm three years from 30 and how I'm completely OK with that.

The second one started out talking about how Geoff got me a wonderful Flying M coffee mug with a gift card to that coffee shop, along with some cash to spend this weekend. Then I went into talking about how I had to get my license renewed today and discovered that I'm 30lbs heavier then I was when I got my license back in 2006...ugh.

This blog will focus on how much I love birthdays no matter what the age or weight.

Birthdays are a reminder that you've made it. You've made it one more year. You've come so far. 27 years! That's AMAZING! Whenever you hear about people being married for that long you say, "WOW! Good for you!" When you hear about someone being at the same company for 27 years you find that impressive as well. So 27 is awesome!

I embrace 27, because it means that I'm getting further and further away from 18, which I'm totally OK with. Getting farther from my teens means to me, that maybe, I'm getting more mature...maybe...some days.

So bring on my 27th year of life. I'm ready! PLUS, I know that the closer I get to being 30, means the closer I get to fulfilling my husbands prophecy that I'm going to be a HOT 30 year old.

Strange Feelings

We are approaching the day that would have been Parker's 2nd birthday. It's so hard to believe that it has been 2 years since we met and said goodbye to our little man. I am amazed and blessed at how God has used Geoff and I and truly made something good out of something so tragic. In these past 2 years, we have grown and learned so much about one another and about how great our God is.

As we approach his birthday, I find myself reminiscing about what life was like before we lost our Parker and even how life changed in that moment we heard he was gone. I find my heart racing as I think about that afternoon in the delivery room when Dr. Rudeen told us his heart was no longer beating. I find my eyes beginning to burn with tears when I think of all the innocent joy I felt on that labor day weekend when I still felt him wiggling and moving inside my belly. I find that empty portion of my heart aching when I think about our little boy, laying so beautifully still and silent in my arms on the evening he was born. And finally, I find myself feeling at peace, knowing that God has carried us so far and continues to carry us as we move along this life path.

Parker Geofferson Harmon will always be our first born. He will always be our sweet baby boy and he will always be fondly remembered and loved every day. He will always be celebrated and remembered on his birthday for the rest of our lives.

We love you Parker Geofferson.

OBSESSION

Oh my word, it has happened, I have become obsessed with...CUPCAKES!! It's true! All day, everyday, every hour, all I think about are cupcakes. A new friend of mine, Robin, and I are planning on starting a little cupcake business. We hope and pray it grows into something big and beautiful and wonderful. We are both so excited and as a result of that excitement, I have developed an obsession...

Picture Post...

Family picture at Chinook Pass in Washington State.

Norah with her Great Grandma Neeley.

Norah playing with daddy on the floor.

My sweet sleeping baby.

Norah and mommy at lunch a few months ago.

A Happy Life

I'm sitting in my living room, watching the Today Show, sipping my iced latte and watching my sweet 9 month old Norah shred an old issue of Real Simple. I love my life.

Every time I have these feelings of complete joy and happiness, I find myself amazed that Geoff and I are finally here, in this place. A place where we have a beautiful home, good stable jobs and a baby girl who is happy and healthy. God is so good.

It's Just a Dream, but Who Knows...

I have this dream to own my own business some day, and more so then ever before, I am attacking this dream head on. I hope to be a small business owner some day and I'm hoping that that someday will be sooner rather then later. So...just wanted to share that.

If anyone has any advice, let me know.

A Brief Post..Well, Kind of Brief.

I started this blog over two years ago, which is CRAZY to me, but I started it with the complete intent of using it to empty all of my thoughts on all topics, but mainly on topics of being a new mommy for my Parker. Oh my goodness what a change has taken place.

Parker is still the main topic of each post, but for a drastically different reason then originally thought. Originally, each post was going to be about being a new, working mom, but after Parker's death, it turned into a way to grieve, heal and grow. This blog has been so therapeutic for me in every way. To write the posts helped, to read the comments helped and then to go back and reread each post has helped as well.

My how things can change in the blink of an eye. Never did I think, two years ago, that I would be volunteering at Lifeline pregnancy center, helping grieving moms heal from their losses. Never, in my wildest imaginings did I think that Geoff and I would get the opportunity to be on air sharing our story of loss and healing. Never, did I imagine that my heart would hold a spot for my son and for all babies who have past and their families who grieve. Never did I think any of this would happen, but it has and I am so thankful for the opportunities that have been born from our tragedy.

I feel like a broken record sometimes, but I just find myself so amazed at the mysterious ways that God works and moves in times of loss. Romans 8:28 is so true, God does take ALL things and work them for the good of those who love him, those who are called according to his purpose.

So that's it, that's all. Nothing horribly profound, just a random rambling.

OH! and a prayer request. If you could, ask God to help his will shine through the idea of starting a support group for families who have lost. I would appreciate this greatly. It is my distinct desire to minister to grieving families. I feel God has a place for me to do this work, I just need direction.

Thanks everyone!

Have a blessed Wednesday

***

One more thing, Parker's little sister Norah is 9 months old today!!! :)

30 Days and Counting

Today is August 17, which marks 30 days (1 month) until the big 2-7 for this momma! I cannot believe that my twenties are slowly winding down. I keep telling myself that my husband Geoff thinks I'll be the hottest 30 year old mom on the planet, so ending my twenties is ok...we'll see. (I am sure that several of you out there in the internet universe are probably shaking your heads and rolling your eyes...sorry, I'll quit griping).

On another note, here is an update in this little Harmon house.

Norah had her first tooth break through earlier this month, with the second one close behind! She's slowly getting her toothy grin that I've been dying to see. Also, we experienced, for the first time, what it's like to have a sick little bambina. It was rough. A few Saturdays ago, sissy broke a temp of 103, which freaked me, to say the least. The yuck lasted a few days and finally ended about a week ago. She is now, back to her normal, grinning, chatting, giggling self.

Geoff is about to start his 4th (I think) year at River Valley Elementary, which is always an exciting and somewhat stressful time for us to get back in the swing of that routine. It looks like it should be an easy transition this year. He has loved being home, the past few months, with peanut being "Mr. Mom" (and he does a great job, I might add).

For the past few months I've been volunteering at Lifeline with Willie, helping out with grief counseling and it has been such an AWESOME experience. I still have a dream of starting a nonprofit or at least helping families who have lost like Geoff and I. Willie has thrown around the idea of starting a support group, which I'm hoping to be apart of. I've also been thinking about the fact that, this September 15th will mark Parker's 2nd birthday and how our family will go about honoring that day. I'm hoping, this year, to start a tradition with Norah on that special day, something to help her get to know her brother as well as honoring his memory.

So that's about it. Life in this little Harmon house is pluggin along. Norah Joan is growing like a weed and getting cuter and cuter by the minute. Crawling looks like it's in her future, but I'm ok with her taking her time on that one.

Have a blessed day everyone! And remember, you only have 30 shopping days until my BIRTHDAY! :)

The sunshine...so warm

I sit here, on our back porch under the shade. The sun is shining so bright and beautiful. The wind gently stirs my hair, brushing it around my face. Geoff is mowing the lawn, Opie, the chocolate lab, is sprawled out at my feet while Norah sleeps peacefully in her crib inside. I breath deep and think of how wonderful our life is. God has brought us so far in these last 19 months. Who woud have thought that the pain I felt so deeply, so richly, so tangibly, at this time last year, would today, at this moment, seem so distant.

These last 5 months since Norah's birth have been the best in a long time. She is such a joy. We knew that her birth would bring much healing to our lives. It would be a physical showing of God's blessings as well as a way for us to prove to ourselves that we are able to have healthy babies. We also knew that her birth and life would bring to us, the full awareness of what "could have been" with Parker. Norah as a newborn held striking resemblence to Parker as a newborn. They had the same long fingers and little button nose. We figure that they would have been the kind of brother and sister where people would have said, "You must be Parker's sister" or "You have to be Norah's brother". Those are such fun things to think about and those are the thoughts that her birth has brought about.

Also, some other things that have come about since her birth is the common question of, "is this your first". This was asked of us quite a bit during my pregnancy with Norah and it's one that I don't know that I'll ever get used to. It's one of those questions that you can't answer, well that I can't answer very quickly. Often times the question catches me completely off quard and takes my breath away. I find myself pausing and saying, "Uh..." before I answer. Usually, I will respond with, "Yes, this is our first," but on a rare occassion I will stop, pause, consider what reaction I may receive by answering honestly, and then proceed with, "No, this is actually our second." This then brings about two possible reactions. The first is, "Oh ok," which is my favorite, because then I know that I won't have to navigate a potentially awkward conversation for them not me. The second possible answer, and less common, is "Oh, how old is your first?" to which I respond, "He would have been a year and a half" and then I wait for the "would have been" part of the answer to sink in. Usually this takes a second or to, and then the person frowns a bit, looks at me to understand what I meant and then says, "Would have been?" Then I get to do, what I love to do, and that is talk about my Parker and tell his story. This part of the conversation is often times pretty awkward, at first, but nine times out of ten it ends up to be very rewarding. I have met more women, who have either had a family member or friend that lost a child, or they themselves lost a child. And I have found, through these women, that there really seems to be an unspoken bond that forms after discovering this about one another.

I'm not really sure how to end this post. I feel I need to end it, because I could simply go on and on, so I will stop now and keep posting at another date. I do plan on posting more often, because I miss being able to "throw up" my thoughts. I miss being able to give updates on life and how God is still moving, still healing and still growing Geoff and I closer together through our son's death. I also want you all to get to know my Norah, she's a doll and an absolute blessing.

So stay tuned, life in this Harmon house is truly a blessing and a joy every single day of the week. I cannot wait to start sharing it with you all again.