Hello Strangers :)

So I have realized that I'm averaging about one new post each month. HA! So I haven't completely fallen off the face of the earth.

Here's an update on life in the Harmon house with Norah's near arrival.

September 15th we remembered our Parker's birth. The day started like "normal," just like any other day, but ended up feeling like a mixture of really special and really sad.

Around 3 in the afternoon I received a beautiful bouquet from my parents that was delivered to me at work. Then, I went home, Geoff and I had a nice quiet, easy meal together. After that we went to Costco, bought a beautiful bouquet of autumn colored daisies to take to the grave. This was when I saw my Geoffrey struggle with what this day was all about. I asked him what was wrong and he said that this day made him really focus on what we had gone through. Not to say that we haven't focused on it, but being that it was his birthday, Parker's birthday, was something that we couldn't just shoved to the back and not focus on.

So we went to the cemetery, parked right by his grave, took a deep breath, took the bouquet and walked to his grave. We laid the flowers on his headstone and stood there for a while and talked about Parker. Then we (and I know this is going to sound strange) walked around the baby area of the cemetery and looked at the other headstones there. Then around 7:30, closer to 8 we went to Geoff's parents house to have ice cream sundaes. We ate delicious sundaes, laughed and had a great time. Then Geoff's mom gave us this gift that, evidently she had been holding on to for quite some time. It was a sketch of a hospital picture that was taken of Parker in the bassinet after he was born.

The hospital picture itself is raw. It makes him look horribly pale. You can see the skin on his face and hands that was starting to peel. You can clearly see where his eye was bruised and swollen due to labor. You can also see that he is (and I know this sounds weird) but he looks, I don't know how else to say this, but he looks obviously dead in the picture. It's just an awful AWFUL picture. The first time I saw it was back in July. I pulled it out of the envelope and nearly collapsed in anguish at how bad my precious baby boy looked. It was not how remembered him at all.

SO...back to the gift. When I began to open it, I realized that it was a frame. My heart began to pound out of fear that maybe she had taken the liberty to have the hospital photo framed. I didn't want to open it, but I kept unwrapping. After it was all unwrapped, I turned the frame over to see the picture and my breath was taken away. He looked perfect, perfect, perfect in every way. There is no other way to descibe the sketch.

We all cried over the sketch and were in complete awe of how much it looked just like him and the best part, he looked absolutely peaceful, as if he was sleeping. This sketch hangs in our hallway for all to see. It hangs proudly on our family wall under a photo of Geoff and I on our wedding day. Once Norah arrives, her photo will join his there as well.

At the end of the evening Geoff and I went home, cried a little more for our Parker, who we still miss with every breath, and then relaxed for a bit before bed.

***

These days, these past few weeks, I have officially entered the final countdown stage. We only have 5 1/2 weeks until Norah's arrival and that is thrilling, plus I am started my weekly appointments now at 33 1/2 weeks, which is great as well.

At our 32 week appointment, we had another ultra sound and got to peak into Norah's world. She is absolutely beautiful (we got a 3D picture of her face). We wish that we could just have her now and be enjoying her already, but we know that she needs to grow and get stronger, so we'll be patient.

Dr. Rudeen measured her head, her abdomen, her spine, everything and it all checked out great. She currently weighs 4 lbs and is measuring right on schedule which is great! A few weeks ago she was in the breach position, but that is no longer the case (praise the Lord) she is head down now.

The weekly appointments, that I mentioned earlier, that I'll be starting, will be NSTs (non-stress tests) that women categorized as high risk receive, as well as other basic monitoring that all women receive (such as, heart rate, growth, etc).

Geoff and I are praying that the last few weeks fly with no complications and that before we know it, it will be November 18th and we will be headed to the hospital to get induced. So pray with us that these next 5 weeks just fly fly FLY fast.

I'll try to keep you all posted until then.

Life These Days

Hello all, it's been quite a while since I blogged last and, needless to say, I'm ashamed. I know that I don't blog as often as I used to, but that's simply because of forgetfulness on my part.

Anyway, life these days for Geoff and I has been wonderful. Baby girl (yes I said girl) is growing quite nicely and has become very VERY active. Norah (that is her name) has already created somewhat of a schedule of activities in her world. I usually feel her around 6 - 7am, then around 10am - 12pm and then again in the evening. I don't plan on starting kick counts until 28 weeks because that is what most doctors suggest. But she's active, oh boy is she active and her kicks are strong which is wonderful. I have found that she likes the lower part of the uterus to hang out in, which is a new and odd feeling. Parker stayed up high mostly, but Norah, evidently prefers to stay down low.

We have completed the painting of the nursery, with the help of my parents who came into town just last weekend. Dad, Geoff and mom painted over the blue stripes with a nice neutral off-white. Then after that, Dad painted a nice thick chocolaty brown stripe in the center of the wall running horizontal. Finally, mom and I finished off the wall with cute brown, green and pink flowers (the name of the pink paint was fitting, it's called "invitation to a princess"). So the painting is complete.

Before mom and dad got in to help with the painting, Geoff and I went through all of Parker's clothes and took out the ones that Norah can wear and packed away the ones that are too boyish. That went pretty well, until we came across the clothes that would have totally made Parker a "mini-Geoff". When I saw those I just lost it. But we know that we still hold a hope that someday we may have another boy, until then, it's just a bittersweet to see those going away in a box stored in the garage.

Life is good. After making it through "the big ultrasound" it seems the only other major hurtles we have to jump are Parker's first birthday (September 15th) and the 35th week (the week he died). I have to tell you, we aren't dreading the first birthday or the 35th week, so I guess I shouldn't call them hurtles, but rather milestones.

God has truly helped us to move our hearts towards realizing that the 35th week is just another week in this pregnancy. That helps me to realize that we can easily make it through that week. Now don't get me wrong, I still ask for your prayers during that time because I cannot fully anticipate what that day may bring, but I feel pretty certain that God is going to help Geoff and I remain strong and focused.

In terms of Parker's first birthday being a little over a month away, God has helped me to see it as a time to remember the blessing that he was and still is to Geoff and I. Geoff also reminded me that we made his funeral a time of rejoicing in God's goodness and steadfast power and that we want that to continue on into his first birthday. I have no idea what we plan on doing that day, but what I do know is that we will rejoice in the life that he had with us for 35 weeks, and in the way he has so greatly impacted our lives and the lives of those around us. Also we will rejoice in the blessing that he has been and continues to be to us.

So we are doing really good these days. Life is good, Norah is healthy and growing and God is faithful, that is all that matters.

Thanks for sticking with me, and continuing to check in on me. Have a GREAT week!!

Baby #2 Update

(this picture is a little out dated so to speak. I'm 14 weeks here and now I'm nearly 17, so I'll get a new one up soon)

Ok, so here I am again, just wanted to stop in and let everyone know how Geoff and I are doing.

I'm almost 17 weeks which seems so insane. I'm feeling really good and growing fast!! I feel like I look huge already, but according to my husband I don't (he's sweet isn't he). Life is going really well.

We had our 16 week appointment, this past Wednesday and the baby's heart rate was up at 159bpm. My growth is right on schedule and Dr. Rudeen said that everything sounded and looked great! I have only gained 2lbs in 7 weeks, which is also really impressive! So life is good.

I still have moments of fear, where Satan tries to step in and destroy this joy, but I simply say a little prayer asking God to tell Satan to go bother a rock. I also have found that those verses that helped me through life without Parker are helping me through this pregnancy.

I still have moments of fear when I am asked the totally innocent question of, "have you felt the baby move yet?" That is a question that will forever bother me, and one that I hate being asked. However, to answer it here, I have felt tiny, tiny movements here and there (like I'll feel movements one day, and then not again for like a week). I know that it's still early to feel movements, the average women doesn't feel anything until around 18 to 20 weeks and she won't feel them regularly until sometime around the 3rd trimester (6 months or so).

That brings me to something fun and excited. We are only 4 weeks from being halfway through this pregnancy, which is utter INSANITY to me!! Geoff and I were talking about when our next appointment would be and when we would get to find out the sex. Dr. Rudeen said that our next appointment will be in 4 weeks and that the appointment to find out the sex will be in 6 to 7 weeks. So... that means that in 4 weeks I'll be halfway through!!!!! AAGGHHH!!! So freaking exciting!!

So we're doing great, and baby is too. Life is really good right now. We still have moments where we miss Parker and cry for Parker. In fact, we have moments where we slip up and call this baby Parker, but that's all to be expected and totally normal. He is a part of our life and will never be forgotten.

Anyway, that's where we are, just wanted to update!!

Oh and Geoff and I are headed on a vacation this next week, so I'll have pictures and a blog about that when I get back!! Have a great weekend everybody.

12 Weeks and Counting

Hello all! :)

I'm officially back "from hiding". I have been sort of avoiding the blog because I so desperately wanted to talk about my current pregnancy. Now that the "cat's out of the bag" I can blog again :).

Let me catch you all up on the fun and exciting news.

Round about the middle of February I finished my birth control at which time, Geoff and I decided we were ready to start trying again. Now, we thought that it would take a few months at least, but were shocked to discover that we got pregnant on the first try (CRAZY!). With Parker, I was off the pill for 5 months before we got pregnant, but with this baby, it only took one try. Which sort of cracks me up, because all growing up, my mom would always say things like, "it only takes one drink (to know if you're an alcoholic)," "it only takes one cigarette (to get addicted to nicotine)," and "it only takes one time of unprotected sex (to get pregnant)" She is so wise!

At grief counseling, with Willie, Geoff and I discussed how we would feel if I was pregnant, the night that I took my first test. I was sitting on pin and needles with excitement, while Geoff was a little nervous. When we got home that night I took the first of four tests. It came out positive. My heart lept with joy. I came bouncing out of the bathroom into the living room waving the test around (with the protective cap on mind you :) ). Geoff did not quite share the same excitement that I did. I put the test back in the bathroom and immediately went to my husband. I talked with him about how he was feeling. He simply didn't want us to forget Parker and become consumed with this new pregnancy. There is simply no way to ever forget my Parker.

We then sat and talked about how Parker will always be our first born and how this baby will NEVER be the replacement baby. This baby is our second born and I have made a conscious effort to tell people, when they ask, that this is my second pregnancy.

Anyway, that next morning, at around 5am, yes, 5 o'clock in the morning, I woke up and took the second of four pregnancy tests. That one came out with the exact same results, but in the back of my mind I was still in denial. There is just simply no way that we could have gotten pregnant so fast...right? I mean, who does that except for people named Fertile Myrtle right? Two days later I took the third of four tests, which came out positive, but was still not enough proof that I was pregnant. Even the fourth test, that I took at Lifeline Pregnancy center, that came out positive (glaringly positive I might add) didn't even give me enough proof. It wasn't until our first ultrasound at 6 weeks that this pregnancy started to sink in.

That day was a nerve-wracking day to say the least. I honestly believe that until you have experienced a silent sonogram, it will be far to difficult to understand the emotions of that day. The last sonogram we had was when we were dealt the heavy blow that Parker had died, so this day, was so surreal in so many ways.

It was an internal ultrasound (which are so not fun, and the little scope or probe they use, just looks wrong on so many levels...I'll save you the description, but when you see it, you think it belongs in a shop full of sex toys...nuff said). Anyway, the screen was switched on and at first my uterus appeared empty, to which I thought, "OK, so it was a chemical pregnancy, I can take that..." but then, all of a sudden a tiny little jumping bean appeared and my heart lept again. There it was, our sweet second child, jumping to the rhythm of their tiny, microscopic new heart. Thank you God! I stared at the screen, but heard nothing because, according to Dr. Rudeen, it was just too soon to hear the heart beat. He then went on to quickly say that it looked like everything was progressing well. The baby's yoke sac was perfectly round (or as Dr. Rudeen said, "you have a perfectly smooth yoke sac" to which I thought, "thank you...I do try") and there was no evidence of any blood pockets, which is a good sign. So everything was looking really good and healthy. At that ultra sound, the baby measured at 6 weeks with a due date of 11/28.

Our second ultra sound came two weeks later so we could hear the heartbeat for the first time. Again, my nerves were all over the place leading up to that ultrasound. Geoff and I walked in, my heart beating a mile a minute. Polly took my blood pressure and said it was a tad elevated. Dr. Rudeen came in and performed the internal ultrasound. This time, the baby was much larger than the first time we got to spy into their little world. I am amazed at the amount of growth that took place in just two weeks. While I was marveling at how sweet the baby looked, Dr. Rudeen flipped a switch and the room was filled with the most soothing whooshing sound. To hear that sweet whooshing was so comforting and reassuring. The heart rate measured in at 156bpm. A perfect little heart beat, for our perfect second child. Dr. Rudeen printed off several pictures to go with our 6wk ultrasound pictures. The baby measured in at 8wk 1day with a due date of 12/1. SO...my due date is some where between 11/28 or 12/1.

Following this visit Dr. Rudeen arranged to see us again in three weeks to listen again to the heartbeat. Our visit was scheduled for May 13th which came faster than I would have liked.

The night before the appointment I woke up every hour on the hour, again, wracked by nerves. That day at work I could barely focus leading up to the appointment. My mind raced with all the possibilities of what might happen. I was so nervous, to say the least. I prayed, recited bible verses and told Satan to go bother a rock.

I arrived at the doctor's office before Geoff and waited patiently. Polly called me back to take my blood pressure, weigh me and have me pee in a cup. Geoff arrived soon there after and we waited in the exam room. Again, Polly told me that my blood pressure was elevated. She also warned us that it might be difficult for Dr. Rudeen to find the heart beat at first because of how early it is, but to "not panic". She then patted me on the knee and told me everything would be fine. I took a deep breath and recited Romans 8:28 "And we know that God works all things for the good of those who love Him, those who are called according to His purpose." In comes Dr. Rudeen. I lay back, take a deep breath again and wait.

I feel the cold of the doppler on my tummy, take a deep breath and wait. The sounds of gurgling are heard, but no tiny heart beat. I take a deep breath and wait, my heart starts to beat faster. More gurgling, then my heart beat shows up on the doppler, deep breath and wait. I look to Geoff and am immediately thrown back to that awful day in Mercy's Labor and Delivery back in September. My heart pounds, I take a deep breath and wait. My heart beat shows up on the doppler again, but no tiny heart beat. All of a sudden as if to say "TA DA!" we hear the fast whooshing of our second child's heart beating. PRAISE GOD! I look to Geoff immediately and see him grinning from ear to ear. I shout out, "THANK YOU GOD!" Then I say hello to our sweet tiny baby.

Dr. Rudeen continues to move the doppler around, chasing our sweet little baby as the baby runs from the doppler. The heart beat would fade out and then come back louder than before at 172+ bpm. SOooo comforting. It felt like another victory, another way to tell Satan to stuff it. Thank You God!

We left the exam room on cloud nine. Now, at this point, I feel like I can finally sit back and enjoy this pregnancy. We only have one more week in the first trimester. The next hurtle we have to jump is the 35th week, our loss week during Parker's pregnancy.

***

Geoff and I are thoroughly enjoying this pregnancy, together, with God's help every day. We are ecstatic to be pregnant again and we give everyone permission to rejoice with us.

This pregnancy, in no way, replaces our Parker, this is simply Parker's sibling. This baby will not be anything like Parker. This baby will not look anything like Parker. This baby is a new baby, a second child for Geoff and I and Parker's little brother, or sister. This baby does not make our grief for Parker go away, but it does take some of the sting off. This baby will be a blessing, but, again, will in no way ever EVER replace our sweet boy Parker Geofferson.

One more thing, if you could be praying for Geoff, myself and this baby as we continue on this new adventure, we would greatly appreciate it. Each appointment is filled with anxiety and nerves, so if you could be praying for those as well, and for that 35th week.

Thank you so much for all the support you have all offered Geoff and I. We have felt your prayers, felt your strength and we appreciate it more than we can ever express.

Thank you and...YAHOO for BABY #2!

So...

....OH MY GOSH I'M 12 WEEKS PREGNANT!!!

Geoff and I are due 12/01 and I'm feeling great! Just wanted to let you all know. More details (and ultrasound photos) to come.

Happy Happy Easter

I have finally discovered why I have become so bad at posting lately, it's because I have been heaping TONS of pressure on myself to write profoundly. So, as of right now, I am throwing that pressure out the window and going back to the very roots of this blog, my ramblings...

***

This Easter was a wonderful day filled with good food, an excellent sermon, and family and friends.

Every year I look forward to Easter, and I have to confess, it is for all the wrong reasons. I look forward to it for the new Easter outfit and for the delicious candy. This year; however, was different. My mind was more focused on something that my mom brought up on my Facebook page. She said, "Hi honey. I spent some time looking at Parker's book today...I really wasn't expecting to cry again...he is so precious and so are you & Geoff. I was thinking that Parker's Easter is pretty amazing too, don't you think? I love you. :)"

It had never dawned on me to think about the wonderful Easter celebration that must have been going on in Heaven. I am sure it would be a sight to see. It would be more beautiful than any sunrise service that anyone could ever imagine. It would be more powerful than the most powerful sermon ever preached. It would truly TRULY be a most magnificent experience and even though I miss him desperately, it is comforting to think about Parker being apart of that celebration. Thanks mom for the beautiful image.

***

Happy Easter everyone! He is RISEN!! He is risen indeed.

***

One more thing that I just have to add. Ever since loosing Parker people have asked Geoff and I how we are making it, how we seem to be doing so well and this is how I can only articulate it. God knows. God knows the pain that it is to loose a child. God knows that grief that over takes. Yes, Jesus' death was a different sort of death than Parker's; however, God still lost a son, his only son and in that way, he understands. He understands better than anyone else the pain that Geoff and I have gone through.

The Easter season, the weeks and days leading up to Jesus' glorious resurrection remind me of this. They remind me of the loss that God experienced when his son was nailed to the cross. And Easter also reminds me of how because of God sending his Son to die for our sins, Parker is not left to die and remain in his grave. He is in heaven with God and is taking part in that beautiful Easter celebration, worshipping our risen Savior.

AMEN!!

Thank you God!!

He has risen and because is has risen we have eternal life in heaven with him!

AMEN!!

John 3: 16 & 17 (I know we all learned these verses in Sunday school, but they are so good to read again every once in a while)

A lot more to say then I thought, but it has been a while.

Wow!! So I'm really terrible with keeping up to date lately and I apologize. I really have no good excuse other than, my topics to write about are growing thin.

***

Life is really good these days. Spring is here, the grass is turning green, Easter is on it's way and...well...life is good.

We are in our third month of grief counseling and are learning and growing so much. I cannot sing the praises of Willie enough, she has been a blessing!!

This past weekend (the 26th - 29th) my sister Sarah and brother-in-law Brad came to stay with us (along with their dog D.O.G., pronounced dee-oh-gee). We had so much fun with them. We shopped, ate, laughed, watch a movie, and just had an overall good time. They left Sunday morning the 29th and mom and dad arrived Sunday evening that same day.

Mom and dad stayed with us Sunday evening the 29th to Wednesday morning the 1st of april. We had tons of fun with them too. We shopped, ate, laughed, relaxed and had a general good time.

I love having family come visit. This was the first time since Parker died that we have had my family come for a visit. It was such a treat.

***

One of the things that we did with mom and dad while they were here was visit Parker's grave on Monday before heading to Eagle to have lunch with Geoff. Dad had his cell phone out and was taking pictures (with each picture his phone quacked, kind of funny), mom stood silently over his grave and marveled at how perfect the headstone was. We stood their for a moment, in hushed tones, and talked about his grave and headstone. I told them about Ronnie Lou, the daughter of Betty, a woman in our church, and how her grave was on the same row as Parker's. Ronnie Lou was born 50 years ago and lived for an hour and half. I have grown to truly love her mom Betty. She is a warrior in my book and someone who's grief I completely understand. A few weeks after getting back to church after Parker died, Betty approached me and gave me a hug. I mentioned to her how wonderful I thought it was that Ronnie Lou's grave was on the same row as Parker's and we cried together. She then shared with me the story of Ronnie Lou. I feel so priviledge to know Betty.

Anyway, while we stood there we scanned the headstones around Parker's. I saw the ones that I had seen before when visiting Parker's grave, but to the right of his grave was a new one and my heart broke. A beautiful little girl had died January 29th of this year. There was only one date, indicating that she had been stillborn like Parker. My heart shattered into a million pieces. Then, as I was staring in sadness at this little headstone, my eyes caught another one in the distance covered in plastic (which is what they do when they put in a new headstone). My heart shattered once more. I was moved to silence and disturbed at the same time.

I understand that death still happens. I understand that Parker is not the last baby that will be stillborn, but why does it have to continue to happen? Why can't our medical field figure this out enough to stop it? Why is it, that in the 21st century, stillbirth still baffles the medical community? It's really AGRAVATING and frankly it pisses me off!

As we walked to the car I told mom and dad about the headstone I saw and they were moved as well. While we were talking about the family of that precious baby that was stillborn on January 29th it hit me. The reason why the medical community is still baffled is because stillbirth is still STILL a hushed subject. Very few people want to talk about or even remember babies that have died. AND YET if we do not continue to talk about these precious babies, if we do not put a face to stillbirth, it will continue to baffle.

I know I am but one person; however, I strongly believe that we can move mountains on this with the help of God and each other. I believe that we need to make stillbirth something that is as well known as the fight to end childhood diabetes. We need to make stillbirth something that is as well known as breast cancer or heart disease. Stillbirth needs to be brought out onto the main stage and NOT kept in the dark. It happens, it hurts, but it doesn't have to be hushed. We need to work to educate everyone everywhere on the subject of stillbirth so that together we can work towards figuring out how to decrease the number of babies that die each year.

Pray with me on this. Pray with me on how best to bring this out in the open. And please continue to pray for nonprofit that my Uncle is helping me start.

***

So I guess I had a lot more to say, thanks for listening to my ramblings. LOVE YOU GUYS!

OH, one more thing. I wanted to share a new verse that I am working on memorizing. It is Romans 8:24-25
"For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."

Give me patience God.

Amen.