So I have realized that I'm averaging about one new post each month. HA! So I haven't completely fallen off the face of the earth.
Here's an update on life in the Harmon house with Norah's near arrival.
September 15th we remembered our Parker's birth. The day started like "normal," just like any other day, but ended up feeling like a mixture of really special and really sad.
Around 3 in the afternoon I received a beautiful bouquet from my parents that was delivered to me at work. Then, I went home, Geoff and I had a nice quiet, easy meal together. After that we went to Costco, bought a beautiful bouquet of autumn colored daisies to take to the grave. This was when I saw my Geoffrey struggle with what this day was all about. I asked him what was wrong and he said that this day made him really focus on what we had gone through. Not to say that we haven't focused on it, but being that it was his birthday, Parker's birthday, was something that we couldn't just shoved to the back and not focus on.
So we went to the cemetery, parked right by his grave, took a deep breath, took the bouquet and walked to his grave. We laid the flowers on his headstone and stood there for a while and talked about Parker. Then we (and I know this is going to sound strange) walked around the baby area of the cemetery and looked at the other headstones there. Then around 7:30, closer to 8 we went to Geoff's parents house to have ice cream sundaes. We ate delicious sundaes, laughed and had a great time. Then Geoff's mom gave us this gift that, evidently she had been holding on to for quite some time. It was a sketch of a hospital picture that was taken of Parker in the bassinet after he was born.
The hospital picture itself is raw. It makes him look horribly pale. You can see the skin on his face and hands that was starting to peel. You can clearly see where his eye was bruised and swollen due to labor. You can also see that he is (and I know this sounds weird) but he looks, I don't know how else to say this, but he looks obviously dead in the picture. It's just an awful AWFUL picture. The first time I saw it was back in July. I pulled it out of the envelope and nearly collapsed in anguish at how bad my precious baby boy looked. It was not how remembered him at all.
SO...back to the gift. When I began to open it, I realized that it was a frame. My heart began to pound out of fear that maybe she had taken the liberty to have the hospital photo framed. I didn't want to open it, but I kept unwrapping. After it was all unwrapped, I turned the frame over to see the picture and my breath was taken away. He looked perfect, perfect, perfect in every way. There is no other way to descibe the sketch.
We all cried over the sketch and were in complete awe of how much it looked just like him and the best part, he looked absolutely peaceful, as if he was sleeping. This sketch hangs in our hallway for all to see. It hangs proudly on our family wall under a photo of Geoff and I on our wedding day. Once Norah arrives, her photo will join his there as well.
At the end of the evening Geoff and I went home, cried a little more for our Parker, who we still miss with every breath, and then relaxed for a bit before bed.
***
These days, these past few weeks, I have officially entered the final countdown stage. We only have 5 1/2 weeks until Norah's arrival and that is thrilling, plus I am started my weekly appointments now at 33 1/2 weeks, which is great as well.
At our 32 week appointment, we had another ultra sound and got to peak into Norah's world. She is absolutely beautiful (we got a 3D picture of her face). We wish that we could just have her now and be enjoying her already, but we know that she needs to grow and get stronger, so we'll be patient.
Dr. Rudeen measured her head, her abdomen, her spine, everything and it all checked out great. She currently weighs 4 lbs and is measuring right on schedule which is great! A few weeks ago she was in the breach position, but that is no longer the case (praise the Lord) she is head down now.
The weekly appointments, that I mentioned earlier, that I'll be starting, will be NSTs (non-stress tests) that women categorized as high risk receive, as well as other basic monitoring that all women receive (such as, heart rate, growth, etc).
Geoff and I are praying that the last few weeks fly with no complications and that before we know it, it will be November 18th and we will be headed to the hospital to get induced. So pray with us that these next 5 weeks just fly fly FLY fast.
I'll try to keep you all posted until then.
About Me
- Rachel
- Kirkland, Washington, United States
- I am a child of God. I am a follower of Jesus. I am a wife, momma, daughter, sister and friend. I love good conversation and hearty laughter. A good cup of coffee is always appreciated. Most of all, I desire to bring others into an experience with Jesus. One that will shape their lives and rock their souls for Him. Geoff is my best friend and amazing husband. Parker is my handsome boy who lives in Heaven. Norah is my bright star and bringer of joy. Tori is my overcomer and peaceful warrior. I live to show Jesus' love to each person He places in my path. I pray this blog strengthens you, comforts you and encourages you and that it MOST OF ALL causes you to want to get to know Jesus in a deeper level.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Life These Days
Hello all, it's been quite a while since I blogged last and, needless to say, I'm ashamed. I know that I don't blog as often as I used to, but that's simply because of forgetfulness on my part.
Anyway, life these days for Geoff and I has been wonderful. Baby girl (yes I said girl) is growing quite nicely and has become very VERY active. Norah (that is her name) has already created somewhat of a schedule of activities in her world. I usually feel her around 6 - 7am, then around 10am - 12pm and then again in the evening. I don't plan on starting kick counts until 28 weeks because that is what most doctors suggest. But she's active, oh boy is she active and her kicks are strong which is wonderful. I have found that she likes the lower part of the uterus to hang out in, which is a new and odd feeling. Parker stayed up high mostly, but Norah, evidently prefers to stay down low.
We have completed the painting of the nursery, with the help of my parents who came into town just last weekend. Dad, Geoff and mom painted over the blue stripes with a nice neutral off-white. Then after that, Dad painted a nice thick chocolaty brown stripe in the center of the wall running horizontal. Finally, mom and I finished off the wall with cute brown, green and pink flowers (the name of the pink paint was fitting, it's called "invitation to a princess"). So the painting is complete.
Before mom and dad got in to help with the painting, Geoff and I went through all of Parker's clothes and took out the ones that Norah can wear and packed away the ones that are too boyish. That went pretty well, until we came across the clothes that would have totally made Parker a "mini-Geoff". When I saw those I just lost it. But we know that we still hold a hope that someday we may have another boy, until then, it's just a bittersweet to see those going away in a box stored in the garage.
Life is good. After making it through "the big ultrasound" it seems the only other major hurtles we have to jump are Parker's first birthday (September 15th) and the 35th week (the week he died). I have to tell you, we aren't dreading the first birthday or the 35th week, so I guess I shouldn't call them hurtles, but rather milestones.
God has truly helped us to move our hearts towards realizing that the 35th week is just another week in this pregnancy. That helps me to realize that we can easily make it through that week. Now don't get me wrong, I still ask for your prayers during that time because I cannot fully anticipate what that day may bring, but I feel pretty certain that God is going to help Geoff and I remain strong and focused.
In terms of Parker's first birthday being a little over a month away, God has helped me to see it as a time to remember the blessing that he was and still is to Geoff and I. Geoff also reminded me that we made his funeral a time of rejoicing in God's goodness and steadfast power and that we want that to continue on into his first birthday. I have no idea what we plan on doing that day, but what I do know is that we will rejoice in the life that he had with us for 35 weeks, and in the way he has so greatly impacted our lives and the lives of those around us. Also we will rejoice in the blessing that he has been and continues to be to us.
So we are doing really good these days. Life is good, Norah is healthy and growing and God is faithful, that is all that matters.
Thanks for sticking with me, and continuing to check in on me. Have a GREAT week!!
Anyway, life these days for Geoff and I has been wonderful. Baby girl (yes I said girl) is growing quite nicely and has become very VERY active. Norah (that is her name) has already created somewhat of a schedule of activities in her world. I usually feel her around 6 - 7am, then around 10am - 12pm and then again in the evening. I don't plan on starting kick counts until 28 weeks because that is what most doctors suggest. But she's active, oh boy is she active and her kicks are strong which is wonderful. I have found that she likes the lower part of the uterus to hang out in, which is a new and odd feeling. Parker stayed up high mostly, but Norah, evidently prefers to stay down low.
We have completed the painting of the nursery, with the help of my parents who came into town just last weekend. Dad, Geoff and mom painted over the blue stripes with a nice neutral off-white. Then after that, Dad painted a nice thick chocolaty brown stripe in the center of the wall running horizontal. Finally, mom and I finished off the wall with cute brown, green and pink flowers (the name of the pink paint was fitting, it's called "invitation to a princess"). So the painting is complete.
Before mom and dad got in to help with the painting, Geoff and I went through all of Parker's clothes and took out the ones that Norah can wear and packed away the ones that are too boyish. That went pretty well, until we came across the clothes that would have totally made Parker a "mini-Geoff". When I saw those I just lost it. But we know that we still hold a hope that someday we may have another boy, until then, it's just a bittersweet to see those going away in a box stored in the garage.
Life is good. After making it through "the big ultrasound" it seems the only other major hurtles we have to jump are Parker's first birthday (September 15th) and the 35th week (the week he died). I have to tell you, we aren't dreading the first birthday or the 35th week, so I guess I shouldn't call them hurtles, but rather milestones.
God has truly helped us to move our hearts towards realizing that the 35th week is just another week in this pregnancy. That helps me to realize that we can easily make it through that week. Now don't get me wrong, I still ask for your prayers during that time because I cannot fully anticipate what that day may bring, but I feel pretty certain that God is going to help Geoff and I remain strong and focused.
In terms of Parker's first birthday being a little over a month away, God has helped me to see it as a time to remember the blessing that he was and still is to Geoff and I. Geoff also reminded me that we made his funeral a time of rejoicing in God's goodness and steadfast power and that we want that to continue on into his first birthday. I have no idea what we plan on doing that day, but what I do know is that we will rejoice in the life that he had with us for 35 weeks, and in the way he has so greatly impacted our lives and the lives of those around us. Also we will rejoice in the blessing that he has been and continues to be to us.
So we are doing really good these days. Life is good, Norah is healthy and growing and God is faithful, that is all that matters.
Thanks for sticking with me, and continuing to check in on me. Have a GREAT week!!
Friday, June 12, 2009
Baby #2 Update
(this picture is a little out dated so to speak. I'm 14 weeks here and now I'm nearly 17, so I'll get a new one up soon)Ok, so here I am again, just wanted to stop in and let everyone know how Geoff and I are doing.
I'm almost 17 weeks which seems so insane. I'm feeling really good and growing fast!! I feel like I look huge already, but according to my husband I don't (he's sweet isn't he). Life is going really well.
We had our 16 week appointment, this past Wednesday and the baby's heart rate was up at 159bpm. My growth is right on schedule and Dr. Rudeen said that everything sounded and looked great! I have only gained 2lbs in 7 weeks, which is also really impressive! So life is good.
I still have moments of fear, where Satan tries to step in and destroy this joy, but I simply say a little prayer asking God to tell Satan to go bother a rock. I also have found that those verses that helped me through life without Parker are helping me through this pregnancy.
I still have moments of fear when I am asked the totally innocent question of, "have you felt the baby move yet?" That is a question that will forever bother me, and one that I hate being asked. However, to answer it here, I have felt tiny, tiny movements here and there (like I'll feel movements one day, and then not again for like a week). I know that it's still early to feel movements, the average women doesn't feel anything until around 18 to 20 weeks and she won't feel them regularly until sometime around the 3rd trimester (6 months or so).
That brings me to something fun and excited. We are only 4 weeks from being halfway through this pregnancy, which is utter INSANITY to me!! Geoff and I were talking about when our next appointment would be and when we would get to find out the sex. Dr. Rudeen said that our next appointment will be in 4 weeks and that the appointment to find out the sex will be in 6 to 7 weeks. So... that means that in 4 weeks I'll be halfway through!!!!! AAGGHHH!!! So freaking exciting!!
So we're doing great, and baby is too. Life is really good right now. We still have moments where we miss Parker and cry for Parker. In fact, we have moments where we slip up and call this baby Parker, but that's all to be expected and totally normal. He is a part of our life and will never be forgotten.
Anyway, that's where we are, just wanted to update!!
Oh and Geoff and I are headed on a vacation this next week, so I'll have pictures and a blog about that when I get back!! Have a great weekend everybody.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
12 Weeks and Counting
Hello all! :)
I'm officially back "from hiding". I have been sort of avoiding the blog because I so desperately wanted to talk about my current pregnancy. Now that the "cat's out of the bag" I can blog again :).
Let me catch you all up on the fun and exciting news.
Round about the middle of February I finished my birth control at which time, Geoff and I decided we were ready to start trying again. Now, we thought that it would take a few months at least, but were shocked to discover that we got pregnant on the first try (CRAZY!). With Parker, I was off the pill for 5 months before we got pregnant, but with this baby, it only took one try. Which sort of cracks me up, because all growing up, my mom would always say things like, "it only takes one drink (to know if you're an alcoholic)," "it only takes one cigarette (to get addicted to nicotine)," and "it only takes one time of unprotected sex (to get pregnant)" She is so wise!
At grief counseling, with Willie, Geoff and I discussed how we would feel if I was pregnant, the night that I took my first test. I was sitting on pin and needles with excitement, while Geoff was a little nervous. When we got home that night I took the first of four tests. It came out positive. My heart lept with joy. I came bouncing out of the bathroom into the living room waving the test around (with the protective cap on mind you :) ). Geoff did not quite share the same excitement that I did. I put the test back in the bathroom and immediately went to my husband. I talked with him about how he was feeling. He simply didn't want us to forget Parker and become consumed with this new pregnancy. There is simply no way to ever forget my Parker.
We then sat and talked about how Parker will always be our first born and how this baby will NEVER be the replacement baby. This baby is our second born and I have made a conscious effort to tell people, when they ask, that this is my second pregnancy.
Anyway, that next morning, at around 5am, yes, 5 o'clock in the morning, I woke up and took the second of four pregnancy tests. That one came out with the exact same results, but in the back of my mind I was still in denial. There is just simply no way that we could have gotten pregnant so fast...right? I mean, who does that except for people named Fertile Myrtle right? Two days later I took the third of four tests, which came out positive, but was still not enough proof that I was pregnant. Even the fourth test, that I took at Lifeline Pregnancy center, that came out positive (glaringly positive I might add) didn't even give me enough proof. It wasn't until our first ultrasound at 6 weeks that this pregnancy started to sink in.
That day was a nerve-wracking day to say the least. I honestly believe that until you have experienced a silent sonogram, it will be far to difficult to understand the emotions of that day. The last sonogram we had was when we were dealt the heavy blow that Parker had died, so this day, was so surreal in so many ways.
It was an internal ultrasound (which are so not fun, and the little scope or probe they use, just looks wrong on so many levels...I'll save you the description, but when you see it, you think it belongs in a shop full of sex toys...nuff said). Anyway, the screen was switched on and at first my uterus appeared empty, to which I thought, "OK, so it was a chemical pregnancy, I can take that..." but then, all of a sudden a tiny little jumping bean appeared and my heart lept again. There it was, our sweet second child, jumping to the rhythm of their tiny, microscopic new heart. Thank you God! I stared at the screen, but heard nothing because, according to Dr. Rudeen, it was just too soon to hear the heart beat. He then went on to quickly say that it looked like everything was progressing well. The baby's yoke sac was perfectly round (or as Dr. Rudeen said, "you have a perfectly smooth yoke sac" to which I thought, "thank you...I do try") and there was no evidence of any blood pockets, which is a good sign. So everything was looking really good and healthy. At that ultra sound, the baby measured at 6 weeks with a due date of 11/28.
Our second ultra sound came two weeks later so we could hear the heartbeat for the first time. Again, my nerves were all over the place leading up to that ultrasound. Geoff and I walked in, my heart beating a mile a minute. Polly took my blood pressure and said it was a tad elevated. Dr. Rudeen came in and performed the internal ultrasound. This time, the baby was much larger than the first time we got to spy into their little world. I am amazed at the amount of growth that took place in just two weeks. While I was marveling at how sweet the baby looked, Dr. Rudeen flipped a switch and the room was filled with the most soothing whooshing sound. To hear that sweet whooshing was so comforting and reassuring. The heart rate measured in at 156bpm. A perfect little heart beat, for our perfect second child. Dr. Rudeen printed off several pictures to go with our 6wk ultrasound pictures. The baby measured in at 8wk 1day with a due date of 12/1. SO...my due date is some where between 11/28 or 12/1.
Following this visit Dr. Rudeen arranged to see us again in three weeks to listen again to the heartbeat. Our visit was scheduled for May 13th which came faster than I would have liked.
The night before the appointment I woke up every hour on the hour, again, wracked by nerves. That day at work I could barely focus leading up to the appointment. My mind raced with all the possibilities of what might happen. I was so nervous, to say the least. I prayed, recited bible verses and told Satan to go bother a rock.
I arrived at the doctor's office before Geoff and waited patiently. Polly called me back to take my blood pressure, weigh me and have me pee in a cup. Geoff arrived soon there after and we waited in the exam room. Again, Polly told me that my blood pressure was elevated. She also warned us that it might be difficult for Dr. Rudeen to find the heart beat at first because of how early it is, but to "not panic". She then patted me on the knee and told me everything would be fine. I took a deep breath and recited Romans 8:28 "And we know that God works all things for the good of those who love Him, those who are called according to His purpose." In comes Dr. Rudeen. I lay back, take a deep breath again and wait.
I feel the cold of the doppler on my tummy, take a deep breath and wait. The sounds of gurgling are heard, but no tiny heart beat. I take a deep breath and wait, my heart starts to beat faster. More gurgling, then my heart beat shows up on the doppler, deep breath and wait. I look to Geoff and am immediately thrown back to that awful day in Mercy's Labor and Delivery back in September. My heart pounds, I take a deep breath and wait. My heart beat shows up on the doppler again, but no tiny heart beat. All of a sudden as if to say "TA DA!" we hear the fast whooshing of our second child's heart beating. PRAISE GOD! I look to Geoff immediately and see him grinning from ear to ear. I shout out, "THANK YOU GOD!" Then I say hello to our sweet tiny baby.
Dr. Rudeen continues to move the doppler around, chasing our sweet little baby as the baby runs from the doppler. The heart beat would fade out and then come back louder than before at 172+ bpm. SOooo comforting. It felt like another victory, another way to tell Satan to stuff it. Thank You God!
We left the exam room on cloud nine. Now, at this point, I feel like I can finally sit back and enjoy this pregnancy. We only have one more week in the first trimester. The next hurtle we have to jump is the 35th week, our loss week during Parker's pregnancy.
***
Geoff and I are thoroughly enjoying this pregnancy, together, with God's help every day. We are ecstatic to be pregnant again and we give everyone permission to rejoice with us.
This pregnancy, in no way, replaces our Parker, this is simply Parker's sibling. This baby will not be anything like Parker. This baby will not look anything like Parker. This baby is a new baby, a second child for Geoff and I and Parker's little brother, or sister. This baby does not make our grief for Parker go away, but it does take some of the sting off. This baby will be a blessing, but, again, will in no way ever EVER replace our sweet boy Parker Geofferson.
One more thing, if you could be praying for Geoff, myself and this baby as we continue on this new adventure, we would greatly appreciate it. Each appointment is filled with anxiety and nerves, so if you could be praying for those as well, and for that 35th week.
Thank you so much for all the support you have all offered Geoff and I. We have felt your prayers, felt your strength and we appreciate it more than we can ever express.
Thank you and...YAHOO for BABY #2!
I'm officially back "from hiding". I have been sort of avoiding the blog because I so desperately wanted to talk about my current pregnancy. Now that the "cat's out of the bag" I can blog again :).
Let me catch you all up on the fun and exciting news.
Round about the middle of February I finished my birth control at which time, Geoff and I decided we were ready to start trying again. Now, we thought that it would take a few months at least, but were shocked to discover that we got pregnant on the first try (CRAZY!). With Parker, I was off the pill for 5 months before we got pregnant, but with this baby, it only took one try. Which sort of cracks me up, because all growing up, my mom would always say things like, "it only takes one drink (to know if you're an alcoholic)," "it only takes one cigarette (to get addicted to nicotine)," and "it only takes one time of unprotected sex (to get pregnant)" She is so wise!
At grief counseling, with Willie, Geoff and I discussed how we would feel if I was pregnant, the night that I took my first test. I was sitting on pin and needles with excitement, while Geoff was a little nervous. When we got home that night I took the first of four tests. It came out positive. My heart lept with joy. I came bouncing out of the bathroom into the living room waving the test around (with the protective cap on mind you :) ). Geoff did not quite share the same excitement that I did. I put the test back in the bathroom and immediately went to my husband. I talked with him about how he was feeling. He simply didn't want us to forget Parker and become consumed with this new pregnancy. There is simply no way to ever forget my Parker.
We then sat and talked about how Parker will always be our first born and how this baby will NEVER be the replacement baby. This baby is our second born and I have made a conscious effort to tell people, when they ask, that this is my second pregnancy.
Anyway, that next morning, at around 5am, yes, 5 o'clock in the morning, I woke up and took the second of four pregnancy tests. That one came out with the exact same results, but in the back of my mind I was still in denial. There is just simply no way that we could have gotten pregnant so fast...right? I mean, who does that except for people named Fertile Myrtle right? Two days later I took the third of four tests, which came out positive, but was still not enough proof that I was pregnant. Even the fourth test, that I took at Lifeline Pregnancy center, that came out positive (glaringly positive I might add) didn't even give me enough proof. It wasn't until our first ultrasound at 6 weeks that this pregnancy started to sink in.
That day was a nerve-wracking day to say the least. I honestly believe that until you have experienced a silent sonogram, it will be far to difficult to understand the emotions of that day. The last sonogram we had was when we were dealt the heavy blow that Parker had died, so this day, was so surreal in so many ways.
It was an internal ultrasound (which are so not fun, and the little scope or probe they use, just looks wrong on so many levels...I'll save you the description, but when you see it, you think it belongs in a shop full of sex toys...nuff said). Anyway, the screen was switched on and at first my uterus appeared empty, to which I thought, "OK, so it was a chemical pregnancy, I can take that..." but then, all of a sudden a tiny little jumping bean appeared and my heart lept again. There it was, our sweet second child, jumping to the rhythm of their tiny, microscopic new heart. Thank you God! I stared at the screen, but heard nothing because, according to Dr. Rudeen, it was just too soon to hear the heart beat. He then went on to quickly say that it looked like everything was progressing well. The baby's yoke sac was perfectly round (or as Dr. Rudeen said, "you have a perfectly smooth yoke sac" to which I thought, "thank you...I do try") and there was no evidence of any blood pockets, which is a good sign. So everything was looking really good and healthy. At that ultra sound, the baby measured at 6 weeks with a due date of 11/28.
Our second ultra sound came two weeks later so we could hear the heartbeat for the first time. Again, my nerves were all over the place leading up to that ultrasound. Geoff and I walked in, my heart beating a mile a minute. Polly took my blood pressure and said it was a tad elevated. Dr. Rudeen came in and performed the internal ultrasound. This time, the baby was much larger than the first time we got to spy into their little world. I am amazed at the amount of growth that took place in just two weeks. While I was marveling at how sweet the baby looked, Dr. Rudeen flipped a switch and the room was filled with the most soothing whooshing sound. To hear that sweet whooshing was so comforting and reassuring. The heart rate measured in at 156bpm. A perfect little heart beat, for our perfect second child. Dr. Rudeen printed off several pictures to go with our 6wk ultrasound pictures. The baby measured in at 8wk 1day with a due date of 12/1. SO...my due date is some where between 11/28 or 12/1.
Following this visit Dr. Rudeen arranged to see us again in three weeks to listen again to the heartbeat. Our visit was scheduled for May 13th which came faster than I would have liked.
The night before the appointment I woke up every hour on the hour, again, wracked by nerves. That day at work I could barely focus leading up to the appointment. My mind raced with all the possibilities of what might happen. I was so nervous, to say the least. I prayed, recited bible verses and told Satan to go bother a rock.
I arrived at the doctor's office before Geoff and waited patiently. Polly called me back to take my blood pressure, weigh me and have me pee in a cup. Geoff arrived soon there after and we waited in the exam room. Again, Polly told me that my blood pressure was elevated. She also warned us that it might be difficult for Dr. Rudeen to find the heart beat at first because of how early it is, but to "not panic". She then patted me on the knee and told me everything would be fine. I took a deep breath and recited Romans 8:28 "And we know that God works all things for the good of those who love Him, those who are called according to His purpose." In comes Dr. Rudeen. I lay back, take a deep breath again and wait.
I feel the cold of the doppler on my tummy, take a deep breath and wait. The sounds of gurgling are heard, but no tiny heart beat. I take a deep breath and wait, my heart starts to beat faster. More gurgling, then my heart beat shows up on the doppler, deep breath and wait. I look to Geoff and am immediately thrown back to that awful day in Mercy's Labor and Delivery back in September. My heart pounds, I take a deep breath and wait. My heart beat shows up on the doppler again, but no tiny heart beat. All of a sudden as if to say "TA DA!" we hear the fast whooshing of our second child's heart beating. PRAISE GOD! I look to Geoff immediately and see him grinning from ear to ear. I shout out, "THANK YOU GOD!" Then I say hello to our sweet tiny baby.
Dr. Rudeen continues to move the doppler around, chasing our sweet little baby as the baby runs from the doppler. The heart beat would fade out and then come back louder than before at 172+ bpm. SOooo comforting. It felt like another victory, another way to tell Satan to stuff it. Thank You God!
We left the exam room on cloud nine. Now, at this point, I feel like I can finally sit back and enjoy this pregnancy. We only have one more week in the first trimester. The next hurtle we have to jump is the 35th week, our loss week during Parker's pregnancy.
***
Geoff and I are thoroughly enjoying this pregnancy, together, with God's help every day. We are ecstatic to be pregnant again and we give everyone permission to rejoice with us.
This pregnancy, in no way, replaces our Parker, this is simply Parker's sibling. This baby will not be anything like Parker. This baby will not look anything like Parker. This baby is a new baby, a second child for Geoff and I and Parker's little brother, or sister. This baby does not make our grief for Parker go away, but it does take some of the sting off. This baby will be a blessing, but, again, will in no way ever EVER replace our sweet boy Parker Geofferson.
One more thing, if you could be praying for Geoff, myself and this baby as we continue on this new adventure, we would greatly appreciate it. Each appointment is filled with anxiety and nerves, so if you could be praying for those as well, and for that 35th week.
Thank you so much for all the support you have all offered Geoff and I. We have felt your prayers, felt your strength and we appreciate it more than we can ever express.
Thank you and...YAHOO for BABY #2!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
So...
....OH MY GOSH I'M 12 WEEKS PREGNANT!!!
Geoff and I are due 12/01 and I'm feeling great! Just wanted to let you all know. More details (and ultrasound photos) to come.
Geoff and I are due 12/01 and I'm feeling great! Just wanted to let you all know. More details (and ultrasound photos) to come.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Happy Happy Easter
I have finally discovered why I have become so bad at posting lately, it's because I have been heaping TONS of pressure on myself to write profoundly. So, as of right now, I am throwing that pressure out the window and going back to the very roots of this blog, my ramblings...
***
This Easter was a wonderful day filled with good food, an excellent sermon, and family and friends.
Every year I look forward to Easter, and I have to confess, it is for all the wrong reasons. I look forward to it for the new Easter outfit and for the delicious candy. This year; however, was different. My mind was more focused on something that my mom brought up on my Facebook page. She said, "Hi honey. I spent some time looking at Parker's book today...I really wasn't expecting to cry again...he is so precious and so are you & Geoff. I was thinking that Parker's Easter is pretty amazing too, don't you think? I love you. :)"
It had never dawned on me to think about the wonderful Easter celebration that must have been going on in Heaven. I am sure it would be a sight to see. It would be more beautiful than any sunrise service that anyone could ever imagine. It would be more powerful than the most powerful sermon ever preached. It would truly TRULY be a most magnificent experience and even though I miss him desperately, it is comforting to think about Parker being apart of that celebration. Thanks mom for the beautiful image.
***
Happy Easter everyone! He is RISEN!! He is risen indeed.
***
One more thing that I just have to add. Ever since loosing Parker people have asked Geoff and I how we are making it, how we seem to be doing so well and this is how I can only articulate it. God knows. God knows the pain that it is to loose a child. God knows that grief that over takes. Yes, Jesus' death was a different sort of death than Parker's; however, God still lost a son, his only son and in that way, he understands. He understands better than anyone else the pain that Geoff and I have gone through.
The Easter season, the weeks and days leading up to Jesus' glorious resurrection remind me of this. They remind me of the loss that God experienced when his son was nailed to the cross. And Easter also reminds me of how because of God sending his Son to die for our sins, Parker is not left to die and remain in his grave. He is in heaven with God and is taking part in that beautiful Easter celebration, worshipping our risen Savior.
AMEN!!
Thank you God!!
He has risen and because is has risen we have eternal life in heaven with him!
AMEN!!
John 3: 16 & 17 (I know we all learned these verses in Sunday school, but they are so good to read again every once in a while)
***
This Easter was a wonderful day filled with good food, an excellent sermon, and family and friends.
Every year I look forward to Easter, and I have to confess, it is for all the wrong reasons. I look forward to it for the new Easter outfit and for the delicious candy. This year; however, was different. My mind was more focused on something that my mom brought up on my Facebook page. She said, "Hi honey. I spent some time looking at Parker's book today...I really wasn't expecting to cry again...he is so precious and so are you & Geoff. I was thinking that Parker's Easter is pretty amazing too, don't you think? I love you. :)"
It had never dawned on me to think about the wonderful Easter celebration that must have been going on in Heaven. I am sure it would be a sight to see. It would be more beautiful than any sunrise service that anyone could ever imagine. It would be more powerful than the most powerful sermon ever preached. It would truly TRULY be a most magnificent experience and even though I miss him desperately, it is comforting to think about Parker being apart of that celebration. Thanks mom for the beautiful image.
***
Happy Easter everyone! He is RISEN!! He is risen indeed.
***
One more thing that I just have to add. Ever since loosing Parker people have asked Geoff and I how we are making it, how we seem to be doing so well and this is how I can only articulate it. God knows. God knows the pain that it is to loose a child. God knows that grief that over takes. Yes, Jesus' death was a different sort of death than Parker's; however, God still lost a son, his only son and in that way, he understands. He understands better than anyone else the pain that Geoff and I have gone through.
The Easter season, the weeks and days leading up to Jesus' glorious resurrection remind me of this. They remind me of the loss that God experienced when his son was nailed to the cross. And Easter also reminds me of how because of God sending his Son to die for our sins, Parker is not left to die and remain in his grave. He is in heaven with God and is taking part in that beautiful Easter celebration, worshipping our risen Savior.
AMEN!!
Thank you God!!
He has risen and because is has risen we have eternal life in heaven with him!
AMEN!!
John 3: 16 & 17 (I know we all learned these verses in Sunday school, but they are so good to read again every once in a while)
Thursday, April 2, 2009
A lot more to say then I thought, but it has been a while.
Wow!! So I'm really terrible with keeping up to date lately and I apologize. I really have no good excuse other than, my topics to write about are growing thin.
***
Life is really good these days. Spring is here, the grass is turning green, Easter is on it's way and...well...life is good.
We are in our third month of grief counseling and are learning and growing so much. I cannot sing the praises of Willie enough, she has been a blessing!!
This past weekend (the 26th - 29th) my sister Sarah and brother-in-law Brad came to stay with us (along with their dog D.O.G., pronounced dee-oh-gee). We had so much fun with them. We shopped, ate, laughed, watch a movie, and just had an overall good time. They left Sunday morning the 29th and mom and dad arrived Sunday evening that same day.
Mom and dad stayed with us Sunday evening the 29th to Wednesday morning the 1st of april. We had tons of fun with them too. We shopped, ate, laughed, relaxed and had a general good time.
I love having family come visit. This was the first time since Parker died that we have had my family come for a visit. It was such a treat.
***
One of the things that we did with mom and dad while they were here was visit Parker's grave on Monday before heading to Eagle to have lunch with Geoff. Dad had his cell phone out and was taking pictures (with each picture his phone quacked, kind of funny), mom stood silently over his grave and marveled at how perfect the headstone was. We stood their for a moment, in hushed tones, and talked about his grave and headstone. I told them about Ronnie Lou, the daughter of Betty, a woman in our church, and how her grave was on the same row as Parker's. Ronnie Lou was born 50 years ago and lived for an hour and half. I have grown to truly love her mom Betty. She is a warrior in my book and someone who's grief I completely understand. A few weeks after getting back to church after Parker died, Betty approached me and gave me a hug. I mentioned to her how wonderful I thought it was that Ronnie Lou's grave was on the same row as Parker's and we cried together. She then shared with me the story of Ronnie Lou. I feel so priviledge to know Betty.
Anyway, while we stood there we scanned the headstones around Parker's. I saw the ones that I had seen before when visiting Parker's grave, but to the right of his grave was a new one and my heart broke. A beautiful little girl had died January 29th of this year. There was only one date, indicating that she had been stillborn like Parker. My heart shattered into a million pieces. Then, as I was staring in sadness at this little headstone, my eyes caught another one in the distance covered in plastic (which is what they do when they put in a new headstone). My heart shattered once more. I was moved to silence and disturbed at the same time.
I understand that death still happens. I understand that Parker is not the last baby that will be stillborn, but why does it have to continue to happen? Why can't our medical field figure this out enough to stop it? Why is it, that in the 21st century, stillbirth still baffles the medical community? It's really AGRAVATING and frankly it pisses me off!
As we walked to the car I told mom and dad about the headstone I saw and they were moved as well. While we were talking about the family of that precious baby that was stillborn on January 29th it hit me. The reason why the medical community is still baffled is because stillbirth is still STILL a hushed subject. Very few people want to talk about or even remember babies that have died. AND YET if we do not continue to talk about these precious babies, if we do not put a face to stillbirth, it will continue to baffle.
I know I am but one person; however, I strongly believe that we can move mountains on this with the help of God and each other. I believe that we need to make stillbirth something that is as well known as the fight to end childhood diabetes. We need to make stillbirth something that is as well known as breast cancer or heart disease. Stillbirth needs to be brought out onto the main stage and NOT kept in the dark. It happens, it hurts, but it doesn't have to be hushed. We need to work to educate everyone everywhere on the subject of stillbirth so that together we can work towards figuring out how to decrease the number of babies that die each year.
Pray with me on this. Pray with me on how best to bring this out in the open. And please continue to pray for nonprofit that my Uncle is helping me start.
***
So I guess I had a lot more to say, thanks for listening to my ramblings. LOVE YOU GUYS!
OH, one more thing. I wanted to share a new verse that I am working on memorizing. It is Romans 8:24-25
"For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."
Give me patience God.
Amen.
***
Life is really good these days. Spring is here, the grass is turning green, Easter is on it's way and...well...life is good.
We are in our third month of grief counseling and are learning and growing so much. I cannot sing the praises of Willie enough, she has been a blessing!!
This past weekend (the 26th - 29th) my sister Sarah and brother-in-law Brad came to stay with us (along with their dog D.O.G., pronounced dee-oh-gee). We had so much fun with them. We shopped, ate, laughed, watch a movie, and just had an overall good time. They left Sunday morning the 29th and mom and dad arrived Sunday evening that same day.
Mom and dad stayed with us Sunday evening the 29th to Wednesday morning the 1st of april. We had tons of fun with them too. We shopped, ate, laughed, relaxed and had a general good time.
I love having family come visit. This was the first time since Parker died that we have had my family come for a visit. It was such a treat.
***
One of the things that we did with mom and dad while they were here was visit Parker's grave on Monday before heading to Eagle to have lunch with Geoff. Dad had his cell phone out and was taking pictures (with each picture his phone quacked, kind of funny), mom stood silently over his grave and marveled at how perfect the headstone was. We stood their for a moment, in hushed tones, and talked about his grave and headstone. I told them about Ronnie Lou, the daughter of Betty, a woman in our church, and how her grave was on the same row as Parker's. Ronnie Lou was born 50 years ago and lived for an hour and half. I have grown to truly love her mom Betty. She is a warrior in my book and someone who's grief I completely understand. A few weeks after getting back to church after Parker died, Betty approached me and gave me a hug. I mentioned to her how wonderful I thought it was that Ronnie Lou's grave was on the same row as Parker's and we cried together. She then shared with me the story of Ronnie Lou. I feel so priviledge to know Betty.
Anyway, while we stood there we scanned the headstones around Parker's. I saw the ones that I had seen before when visiting Parker's grave, but to the right of his grave was a new one and my heart broke. A beautiful little girl had died January 29th of this year. There was only one date, indicating that she had been stillborn like Parker. My heart shattered into a million pieces. Then, as I was staring in sadness at this little headstone, my eyes caught another one in the distance covered in plastic (which is what they do when they put in a new headstone). My heart shattered once more. I was moved to silence and disturbed at the same time.
I understand that death still happens. I understand that Parker is not the last baby that will be stillborn, but why does it have to continue to happen? Why can't our medical field figure this out enough to stop it? Why is it, that in the 21st century, stillbirth still baffles the medical community? It's really AGRAVATING and frankly it pisses me off!
As we walked to the car I told mom and dad about the headstone I saw and they were moved as well. While we were talking about the family of that precious baby that was stillborn on January 29th it hit me. The reason why the medical community is still baffled is because stillbirth is still STILL a hushed subject. Very few people want to talk about or even remember babies that have died. AND YET if we do not continue to talk about these precious babies, if we do not put a face to stillbirth, it will continue to baffle.
I know I am but one person; however, I strongly believe that we can move mountains on this with the help of God and each other. I believe that we need to make stillbirth something that is as well known as the fight to end childhood diabetes. We need to make stillbirth something that is as well known as breast cancer or heart disease. Stillbirth needs to be brought out onto the main stage and NOT kept in the dark. It happens, it hurts, but it doesn't have to be hushed. We need to work to educate everyone everywhere on the subject of stillbirth so that together we can work towards figuring out how to decrease the number of babies that die each year.
Pray with me on this. Pray with me on how best to bring this out in the open. And please continue to pray for nonprofit that my Uncle is helping me start.
***
So I guess I had a lot more to say, thanks for listening to my ramblings. LOVE YOU GUYS!
OH, one more thing. I wanted to share a new verse that I am working on memorizing. It is Romans 8:24-25
"For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."
Give me patience God.
Amen.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
A Prayer Request
I don't want to divulge too much, but I do want to ask for prayer on a project that I am working on with the help of my Uncle Jim. It is in the beginning baby stages, but hopefully it will be something that will blossom to help many. It's a nonprofit that would be in Parker's name (it would be called Parker's Gift), that's all I really would like to say right now.
So whenever you think of Geoff and I, please say a prayer for this nonprofit.
(Hopefully soon I will be able to tell you more :) )
Thank you.
So whenever you think of Geoff and I, please say a prayer for this nonprofit.
(Hopefully soon I will be able to tell you more :) )
Thank you.
An Update - Nothing exciting, just normal
I know it's been a long time since my last post, but in all honesty there is not a lot of new stuff to share. Life has just been pleasantly normal lately.
Geoff and I are still attending grief counseling and it has been wonderful. Willie, our counselor, as I have said before, is a wonderful woman of God who has been a true blessing in our lives. So that's been the same.
Work has been normal as well and we are so thankful for that. Geoff and I work in two fields that, praise the Lord, have not been affected greatly by everything that's been going on with the economy.
Church has been normal and that's a blessing to finally feel fully normal again at church. Eventually I hope to teach Sunday School again, but in the mean time I enjoy being a student and filling in when needed. Geoff has been leading worship and I am blessed every Sunday by the songs he plays due to God's leading.
So that's basically it. I told you it was all pleasantly normal, nothing too terribly exciting. We are feeling more hopefully. We are feeling more light. We are feeling God's presence every day and thinking of our beloved Parker everyday.
***
I am amazed when I think about the fact that this Sunday the 15th will mark 6 months... I am amazed when I think about the fact that this Sunday the 15th will mark a half a year since Parker died... I am amazed and in awe of how God has worked in our lives, filling us with strength and hope. I am amazed, in awe and blessed by how God has drawn Geoff and I so tightly together since our son's death. God is good and I am truly thankful for all that he has done for Geoff and I in these past six months.
And one more thing. I just want to say thank you. Thank you to each of you who have come across my blog, my facebook page or have come across me in person and have mentioned that you have been praying for Geoff and I. It has helped us so much. It is such a blessing to know how many people have been praying for us so thank you so very much!!
You all, each of you, are such a blessing to Geoff and I. We could not have come this far without the support of God, family and all of you wonderful friends.
Geoff and I are still attending grief counseling and it has been wonderful. Willie, our counselor, as I have said before, is a wonderful woman of God who has been a true blessing in our lives. So that's been the same.
Work has been normal as well and we are so thankful for that. Geoff and I work in two fields that, praise the Lord, have not been affected greatly by everything that's been going on with the economy.
Church has been normal and that's a blessing to finally feel fully normal again at church. Eventually I hope to teach Sunday School again, but in the mean time I enjoy being a student and filling in when needed. Geoff has been leading worship and I am blessed every Sunday by the songs he plays due to God's leading.
So that's basically it. I told you it was all pleasantly normal, nothing too terribly exciting. We are feeling more hopefully. We are feeling more light. We are feeling God's presence every day and thinking of our beloved Parker everyday.
***
I am amazed when I think about the fact that this Sunday the 15th will mark 6 months... I am amazed when I think about the fact that this Sunday the 15th will mark a half a year since Parker died... I am amazed and in awe of how God has worked in our lives, filling us with strength and hope. I am amazed, in awe and blessed by how God has drawn Geoff and I so tightly together since our son's death. God is good and I am truly thankful for all that he has done for Geoff and I in these past six months.
And one more thing. I just want to say thank you. Thank you to each of you who have come across my blog, my facebook page or have come across me in person and have mentioned that you have been praying for Geoff and I. It has helped us so much. It is such a blessing to know how many people have been praying for us so thank you so very much!!
You all, each of you, are such a blessing to Geoff and I. We could not have come this far without the support of God, family and all of you wonderful friends.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Feels like Spring...Praise God
In the beginning...
The clouds hung heavy
The clouds were dark
The rain seemed to drowned my hope
These days of dark seemed to last for so long
Eventually...
The clouds began to part
The clouds began to part and the rain simply drizzled
The rain drizzled and the world brightened
Now...
The sun has begun to shine
The sun feels warm on my face
The sun has broken through the dark clouds
The sun shines amongst the rain causing it to sparkle with every drop
Those days of darkness...
Are becoming less and less
These new days of sunshine, warmth and renewed hope...
Are lasting longer and longer
My soul is light again
My heart is filling again
My God...
Has sustained me
Has moved us from those days in beginning to these days of renewed hope.
Praise God...
For his soulful healing that continues (it is not done, but continues).
For helping Geoff and I remember and lovingly miss our Parker
For he is good yesterday, today and tomorrow.
PRAISE GOD!
The clouds hung heavy
The clouds were dark
The rain seemed to drowned my hope
These days of dark seemed to last for so long
Eventually...
The clouds began to part
The clouds began to part and the rain simply drizzled
The rain drizzled and the world brightened
Now...
The sun has begun to shine
The sun feels warm on my face
The sun has broken through the dark clouds
The sun shines amongst the rain causing it to sparkle with every drop
Those days of darkness...
Are becoming less and less
These new days of sunshine, warmth and renewed hope...
Are lasting longer and longer
My soul is light again
My heart is filling again
My God...
Has sustained me
Has moved us from those days in beginning to these days of renewed hope.
Praise God...
For his soulful healing that continues (it is not done, but continues).
For helping Geoff and I remember and lovingly miss our Parker
For he is good yesterday, today and tomorrow.
PRAISE GOD!
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Becoming a Warrior with His Help, and His alone
Grief is a strange beast and anyone who has been through grief knows that. There are moments, situations, comments that cause your grief to come rising to the surface. There are images, sounds, smells that evoke the feelings from those moments of tragedy that initiated the grief. And when you hear those sounds, smell those smells and see those images, you are thrown right back to the first moments of your tragedy.
These situations happen at the most inappropriate, random times. They occur while you are out shopping, eating dinner, or chatting with friends. You'll see a piece of clothing or hear another customer at the restaurant. It will stop you dead in your tracks. Everything around you moving at warp speed, while you simply stand there, stunned.
Your mind wanders to that moment of tragedy. You linger there for a moment, reliving it in your mind. Remember the emotions of the tragedy. In your mind, you want to memorize every thought, word, image of that moment. You don't want to forget. You want to remember every detail.
Then, when you are snapped back to the present, it's as if you have to catch up. You feel separate from reality. You feel as though you are covered with a veil, like a bride. Your emotions are guarded, even hidden at times, which is OK, but this one time, just this once, you want to scream. You want to scream because you are so sick and tired of being jerked around by grief.
Grief doesn't control you any longer, you are through with it. You've had it. You want to jerk grief around like it jerks you around. You want to slap it in the face just as much as it slaps you in the face. You are JUST SO SICK OF IT! But you know, full well, that if you try and run from the grief, it will catch up with you and it will demolish you.
So, just this once, you allow it to jerk you around, but you know that you will work with it. You will allow those moments, situations, and comments to come. You will endure those images, sounds and smells to overflow your mind, but you will not let it take over. You will allow them, endure them and move through them and you will become stronger.
You have to remember that you are a warrior. You have allowed and endured this much and you can do so much more. You are a survivor...
You and Geoff endured the silent doppler and ultra sound. You and Geoff endured the heart breaking news of your son's passing. You and Geoff experienced the pains of labor and made it through his delivery. You and Geoff lived in that hospital room while you held your son who was gone already. You and Geoff walked into that funeral home and passed all of those people who came to say goodbye. You and Geoff sat at that graveside and let go of those three blue balloons. You and Geoff picked out that headstone for your sweet baby boy. You and Geoff packed up his bedding, clothes and you two survived...YOU, Rachel. You and Geoff are survivors. YOU and GEOFF are warriors.
***
Sometimes I have to remind myself what Geoff and I have been through, what we have endured, at such an early time in our lives. So many people will never know what it is to bury their child, and I am thankful for that. It is a grievous task, but let me say this, Geoff and I did not do this alone. Here is how that paragraph above really goes...
Geoff and I are survivors and warriors who made it this far because we serve a God who has gone before and who walks beside us every step of the way.
We serve a God who endured the silent doppler and ultra sound with us. We serve a God who endured the heart breaking news of our son's passing with us. We serve a God who experienced the pains of labor and made it through his delivery with us. We serve a God who lived in that hospital room with us while we held our son who was gone already. We serve a God who walked into that funeral home and passed all of those people with us who came to say goodbye. We serve a God who sat at that graveside and let go of those three blue balloons with us. We serve a God who picked out that headstone for our sweet baby boy with us. We serve a God who packed up his bedding and clothes with us and gave us the strength that helped Geoff and I survive...
We are warriors, because we follow a GREAT and SOVEREIGN God. And because of this, we know that we will not be controlled by grief, but rather we will endure, allow, and move through it with God's strength and his alone. For he has helped us become the warriors and survivors that we are today.
PRAISE GOD!!
***
2 Corinthians 12:9
These situations happen at the most inappropriate, random times. They occur while you are out shopping, eating dinner, or chatting with friends. You'll see a piece of clothing or hear another customer at the restaurant. It will stop you dead in your tracks. Everything around you moving at warp speed, while you simply stand there, stunned.
Your mind wanders to that moment of tragedy. You linger there for a moment, reliving it in your mind. Remember the emotions of the tragedy. In your mind, you want to memorize every thought, word, image of that moment. You don't want to forget. You want to remember every detail.
Then, when you are snapped back to the present, it's as if you have to catch up. You feel separate from reality. You feel as though you are covered with a veil, like a bride. Your emotions are guarded, even hidden at times, which is OK, but this one time, just this once, you want to scream. You want to scream because you are so sick and tired of being jerked around by grief.
Grief doesn't control you any longer, you are through with it. You've had it. You want to jerk grief around like it jerks you around. You want to slap it in the face just as much as it slaps you in the face. You are JUST SO SICK OF IT! But you know, full well, that if you try and run from the grief, it will catch up with you and it will demolish you.
So, just this once, you allow it to jerk you around, but you know that you will work with it. You will allow those moments, situations, and comments to come. You will endure those images, sounds and smells to overflow your mind, but you will not let it take over. You will allow them, endure them and move through them and you will become stronger.
You have to remember that you are a warrior. You have allowed and endured this much and you can do so much more. You are a survivor...
You and Geoff endured the silent doppler and ultra sound. You and Geoff endured the heart breaking news of your son's passing. You and Geoff experienced the pains of labor and made it through his delivery. You and Geoff lived in that hospital room while you held your son who was gone already. You and Geoff walked into that funeral home and passed all of those people who came to say goodbye. You and Geoff sat at that graveside and let go of those three blue balloons. You and Geoff picked out that headstone for your sweet baby boy. You and Geoff packed up his bedding, clothes and you two survived...YOU, Rachel. You and Geoff are survivors. YOU and GEOFF are warriors.
***
Sometimes I have to remind myself what Geoff and I have been through, what we have endured, at such an early time in our lives. So many people will never know what it is to bury their child, and I am thankful for that. It is a grievous task, but let me say this, Geoff and I did not do this alone. Here is how that paragraph above really goes...
Geoff and I are survivors and warriors who made it this far because we serve a God who has gone before and who walks beside us every step of the way.
We serve a God who endured the silent doppler and ultra sound with us. We serve a God who endured the heart breaking news of our son's passing with us. We serve a God who experienced the pains of labor and made it through his delivery with us. We serve a God who lived in that hospital room with us while we held our son who was gone already. We serve a God who walked into that funeral home and passed all of those people with us who came to say goodbye. We serve a God who sat at that graveside and let go of those three blue balloons with us. We serve a God who picked out that headstone for our sweet baby boy with us. We serve a God who packed up his bedding and clothes with us and gave us the strength that helped Geoff and I survive...
We are warriors, because we follow a GREAT and SOVEREIGN God. And because of this, we know that we will not be controlled by grief, but rather we will endure, allow, and move through it with God's strength and his alone. For he has helped us become the warriors and survivors that we are today.
PRAISE GOD!!
***
2 Corinthians 12:9
Thursday, February 12, 2009
One Year Ago
I want to start off by saying thank you to everyone who responded to my "Opening the Vents and Letting it Out" post. I appreciate all of the wonderful words of wisdom. It truly helps to know that I am supported and understood.
***
The second reason for this post is to share with you all that I'm feeling sort of...weird. I am feeling weird because it was on this day, one year ago (February 12, 2008) that Geoff and I found out we were pregnant with Parker. That day is a day that I will never forget. We were so scared and so excited all at the same time. SUCH a range of emotions on that day.
So today I am feeling weird, but I will not allow today to be a sad day. Today I will remember, with fondness, how we were blessed to become parents one year ago. I am a little sad, but I am going to do my best to be happy. I am going to do my best to remember how excited Geoff and I were on that day.
Plus, I will take today, to pray for our next little one. I will pray that God will keep our next little one safe, whenever we are blessed enough to become pregnant again. If you all could pray with me, I would GREATLY appreciate it!!
***
Have a great Thursday and HAPPY BIRTHDAY Mom Harmon and Sarah!!! LOVE YOU BOTH!!!!
***
The second reason for this post is to share with you all that I'm feeling sort of...weird. I am feeling weird because it was on this day, one year ago (February 12, 2008) that Geoff and I found out we were pregnant with Parker. That day is a day that I will never forget. We were so scared and so excited all at the same time. SUCH a range of emotions on that day.
So today I am feeling weird, but I will not allow today to be a sad day. Today I will remember, with fondness, how we were blessed to become parents one year ago. I am a little sad, but I am going to do my best to be happy. I am going to do my best to remember how excited Geoff and I were on that day.
Plus, I will take today, to pray for our next little one. I will pray that God will keep our next little one safe, whenever we are blessed enough to become pregnant again. If you all could pray with me, I would GREATLY appreciate it!!
***
Have a great Thursday and HAPPY BIRTHDAY Mom Harmon and Sarah!!! LOVE YOU BOTH!!!!
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Opening the Vents and Letting It Out
Geoff and I have started grief counseling. We've been doing this for about 2 weeks now and it's been wonderful. Every Monday night we go to Lifeline Pregnancy Center and meet with our counselor, Willie. She's wonderful, a beautiful Christian woman, inside and out. We sit, for an hour, and discuss how we're doing. We cry with her, laugh with her and move closer to healing. It's such good therapy.
At our first session she gave us a book, a Bible study, on grieving. This is the book that we will use during our nine sessions with Willie. The Bible study is written by two moms who both lost babies at 19 weeks and 25 weeks. This is why I'm writing this blog. The Bible study takes an odd look at our loss, and gives a silly reason for why it happened. This is something that has really bothered me lately and I feel I need to vent here.
***
The Bible study starts with a story about a grandma who makes quilts for her granddaughters and gives them the quilts when they turn 20. She gave quilts to her two oldest granddaughters when they turned 20, and her youngest granddaughter was so thrilled to receive hers. She waiting for so long for her quilt, she planned for it, prepared for it and dreamt about it. She was thrilled to receive her quilt. This is how the Bible study story goes. On the day that the youngest granddaughter turned 20 her grandmother came to her house and instead of giving her a quilt, she gave her pieces of fabric, a frame and thread to piece the quilt together. The granddaughter was devastated. She sobbed for what felt like days and days. She tried to talk to her sisters about it, and they were sympathetic at first, but eventually lost interest. Why did she not get a quilt? She had dreamt of her quilt, planned and prepared for her quilt and all she got were pieces to put together. One of her sisters had lost their quilt and the other one didn't even care about hers. Do you see why this story is annoying?
To make a long and irritating story short I'll just jump to the ending, which there really isn't an ending, but anyway. The "end" of the story says that the grandma kept coming back to the house and waited for the granddaughter to meet with her so they could start piecing together the quilt. The story says that the grandma had chosen the youngest granddaughter because she was special! UGH!!
***
Ever since Parker died I have had to hear from people that this was all in "God's plan," that maybe we were chosen because God knew we could handle all of this. This irritates the living crap out of me! I know that I have blogged about this before, but I decided that I've heard this enough and need to get the word out there that in no way is it even remotely comforting to hear that the God of love, the God who protects us would take my baby!!!
Geoff and I, from the moment this happened, realized that God did not do this. We knew, in our hearts, that God did not take Parker. He did not plan for this to happen. I do believe that he allowed it, simply because he is all powerful and could have enacted a miracle. I do believe that, but I do not believe that he took Parker because "it was his time". People that say such things, I believe, have not experienced a loss as devastating as the one we have. Anyone, who can look me in the eye and say that God planned this, is someone who has never buried their child. They are someone who has never had to plan a funeral instead of a dedication.
I cannot understand how it would be even slightly comforting to tell a grieving mother or father that God planned to take their baby. It just doesn't make sense!! It would be like knitting a scarf, only to burn it (rough analogy I know, but still).
***
This past Monday we discussed our views on this quilt story with Willie. We told her that we do not ask God why. We do not ask God why because what is the point? Why wallow in the unanswerable. I will never know why here on this earth, ever. And I am OK with that.
We also told Willie that we have never blamed God because we know that God did not do this. We have never blamed him, because to do so would mean that we have turned away from him in anger and we cannot afford to do that now.
The day we got home from the hospital, Geoff was working in our bedroom with our wireless internet. My brother-in-law Brad came in to talk to Geoff and asked him if he ever felt angry with God and this is what Geoff said, "To be angry at God and to blame him would be the worst thing that we could do at this moment in time. Because we need him now more than ever before."
Here is how the God I know and love works; Romans 8: 28 says, "And we know that God works all things for the good of those who love him, those who have been called according to his purpose."
***
Please understand, I do not mean to sound as though I am scolding those of you who read this, in fact, I hesitated to write this blog, but ultimately decided it was something that needed to be said. This is simply something that I have become very passionate about, so passionate, that I could not let it slide.
I hope that those who read this blog will do so with an open mind, to maybe learn how to better approach those who are grieving. I hope that maybe we can all learn how to better comfort those who have experienced the tragedy of death and in so doing, together we can all become people who offer words of true comfort, rather than words that stab the heart and potentially cause a person to become angry with God.
***
Thanks for letting me vent :)
At our first session she gave us a book, a Bible study, on grieving. This is the book that we will use during our nine sessions with Willie. The Bible study is written by two moms who both lost babies at 19 weeks and 25 weeks. This is why I'm writing this blog. The Bible study takes an odd look at our loss, and gives a silly reason for why it happened. This is something that has really bothered me lately and I feel I need to vent here.
***
The Bible study starts with a story about a grandma who makes quilts for her granddaughters and gives them the quilts when they turn 20. She gave quilts to her two oldest granddaughters when they turned 20, and her youngest granddaughter was so thrilled to receive hers. She waiting for so long for her quilt, she planned for it, prepared for it and dreamt about it. She was thrilled to receive her quilt. This is how the Bible study story goes. On the day that the youngest granddaughter turned 20 her grandmother came to her house and instead of giving her a quilt, she gave her pieces of fabric, a frame and thread to piece the quilt together. The granddaughter was devastated. She sobbed for what felt like days and days. She tried to talk to her sisters about it, and they were sympathetic at first, but eventually lost interest. Why did she not get a quilt? She had dreamt of her quilt, planned and prepared for her quilt and all she got were pieces to put together. One of her sisters had lost their quilt and the other one didn't even care about hers. Do you see why this story is annoying?
To make a long and irritating story short I'll just jump to the ending, which there really isn't an ending, but anyway. The "end" of the story says that the grandma kept coming back to the house and waited for the granddaughter to meet with her so they could start piecing together the quilt. The story says that the grandma had chosen the youngest granddaughter because she was special! UGH!!
***
Ever since Parker died I have had to hear from people that this was all in "God's plan," that maybe we were chosen because God knew we could handle all of this. This irritates the living crap out of me! I know that I have blogged about this before, but I decided that I've heard this enough and need to get the word out there that in no way is it even remotely comforting to hear that the God of love, the God who protects us would take my baby!!!
Geoff and I, from the moment this happened, realized that God did not do this. We knew, in our hearts, that God did not take Parker. He did not plan for this to happen. I do believe that he allowed it, simply because he is all powerful and could have enacted a miracle. I do believe that, but I do not believe that he took Parker because "it was his time". People that say such things, I believe, have not experienced a loss as devastating as the one we have. Anyone, who can look me in the eye and say that God planned this, is someone who has never buried their child. They are someone who has never had to plan a funeral instead of a dedication.
I cannot understand how it would be even slightly comforting to tell a grieving mother or father that God planned to take their baby. It just doesn't make sense!! It would be like knitting a scarf, only to burn it (rough analogy I know, but still).
***
This past Monday we discussed our views on this quilt story with Willie. We told her that we do not ask God why. We do not ask God why because what is the point? Why wallow in the unanswerable. I will never know why here on this earth, ever. And I am OK with that.
We also told Willie that we have never blamed God because we know that God did not do this. We have never blamed him, because to do so would mean that we have turned away from him in anger and we cannot afford to do that now.
The day we got home from the hospital, Geoff was working in our bedroom with our wireless internet. My brother-in-law Brad came in to talk to Geoff and asked him if he ever felt angry with God and this is what Geoff said, "To be angry at God and to blame him would be the worst thing that we could do at this moment in time. Because we need him now more than ever before."
Here is how the God I know and love works; Romans 8: 28 says, "And we know that God works all things for the good of those who love him, those who have been called according to his purpose."
***
Please understand, I do not mean to sound as though I am scolding those of you who read this, in fact, I hesitated to write this blog, but ultimately decided it was something that needed to be said. This is simply something that I have become very passionate about, so passionate, that I could not let it slide.
I hope that those who read this blog will do so with an open mind, to maybe learn how to better approach those who are grieving. I hope that maybe we can all learn how to better comfort those who have experienced the tragedy of death and in so doing, together we can all become people who offer words of true comfort, rather than words that stab the heart and potentially cause a person to become angry with God.
***
Thanks for letting me vent :)
Monday, February 2, 2009
Grateful Am I
It's been a week since my last post, and not a lot has happened. Life is pretty much, hum-drum normal and that's perfectly fine with me. However, after saying all of that, I am reminded that grief reared it's ugly little head this weekend.
On Friday Geoff and I came home and relaxed on the couch for a bit before going out and grabbing a bite to eat. For some reason, we started sinking into a bit of sadness and sorrow and began to deeply miss our Parker. We cried on the couch together, and talked about him. It felt good, by the end, but it's always hard during. Then, on Saturday morning, Geoff and I woke up and found ourselves deeply missing Parker, yet again. We laid in bed, held each other and cried some more.
I am not sure what triggers these ugly episodes, but they are not fun, during. It is only after, that we see the benefit of acknowledging our feelings, facing them head on and moving through.
I know that it's not even been 5 months since Parker died, so I have to realize that there will still be hard days. I have to realize that there will still be moments and situations that will remind me of what we don't have. I have to acknowledge that, face it head on and move through it.
We serve a good God who has stuck by our sides since day one and I am forever grateful for that. We serve a good God who has fought off Satan and his team of hooligans who try to bring us down, and I am grateful for that as well. We also serve a good God who continuously brings hope, healing and a bright BRIGHT future and I am TOTALLY grateful for that.
Thank you Lord.
On Friday Geoff and I came home and relaxed on the couch for a bit before going out and grabbing a bite to eat. For some reason, we started sinking into a bit of sadness and sorrow and began to deeply miss our Parker. We cried on the couch together, and talked about him. It felt good, by the end, but it's always hard during. Then, on Saturday morning, Geoff and I woke up and found ourselves deeply missing Parker, yet again. We laid in bed, held each other and cried some more.
I am not sure what triggers these ugly episodes, but they are not fun, during. It is only after, that we see the benefit of acknowledging our feelings, facing them head on and moving through.
I know that it's not even been 5 months since Parker died, so I have to realize that there will still be hard days. I have to realize that there will still be moments and situations that will remind me of what we don't have. I have to acknowledge that, face it head on and move through it.
We serve a good God who has stuck by our sides since day one and I am forever grateful for that. We serve a good God who has fought off Satan and his team of hooligans who try to bring us down, and I am grateful for that as well. We also serve a good God who continuously brings hope, healing and a bright BRIGHT future and I am TOTALLY grateful for that.
Thank you Lord.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Countdown, New Friends, and Sunshine...GOOD STUFF!
I know it's been a while since my last post, but I honestly have not had that much to talk about. Life's been relatively normal for these Harmons. Going to work, coming home, ya da ya da.
Right now, I'm simply counting down the months until we can start trying again. I have days where the baby fever takes over and then days where I'm totally OK with it being just Geoff and I (those days aren't very frequent though:) ). This week I'll be going through Parker's clothes and separating out the ones that are unisex from the boy clothes, that way, whenever we do get prego again, I'll have that all together. Seriously, these are simply tasks that make the time fly faster. Ugh! I am not good with waiting, but thankfully Geoff is so he keeps me focused.
Also, these past few days and weeks, I found myself searching for other mommies who had experienced the same kind of loss that I had. I have met several wonderful women who have lost babies due to SIDS or Trysomy 18, but I had yet to meet any women who had lost a baby due to stillbirth. I needed to find them, I needed to connect with them in order to feel normal. So I googled it. I googled TTC (trying to conceive) After Stillbirth and I found my community.
To find a group of women who were walking the same path, or have walked the same path as Geoff and I, is so thrilling and reassuring. Every woman that I have met, who has gotten pregnant again has gone on to have healthy babies and that is reassuring. Also, the women that I have met who are TTC are so helpful to one another. Encouraging one another, lifting each other up and that's a wonderful thing as well. I am so thankful that I have found these women. I am so thankful that I feel comfortable enough to be emailing back and forth with some of them. That's wonderful. I thank the Lord for this small community of women.
So life is pretty normal, other than all that. Nothing too excited as of yet. I will be keeping all of you informed, have no fear.
OH! One more thing! The sun came out yesterday, after nearly a two week inversion. It was so WONDERFUL! I felt myself immediately brighten up and become hopeful. Seriously, I felt like the sun literally burned away the gloom that was sort of covering my days. I am so thankful to see the sun and blue sky once again.
Thank you Lord for the sun! Thank you Lord for that group of iVillage ladies and thank you for hope! Thank you Lord!!
Right now, I'm simply counting down the months until we can start trying again. I have days where the baby fever takes over and then days where I'm totally OK with it being just Geoff and I (those days aren't very frequent though:) ). This week I'll be going through Parker's clothes and separating out the ones that are unisex from the boy clothes, that way, whenever we do get prego again, I'll have that all together. Seriously, these are simply tasks that make the time fly faster. Ugh! I am not good with waiting, but thankfully Geoff is so he keeps me focused.
Also, these past few days and weeks, I found myself searching for other mommies who had experienced the same kind of loss that I had. I have met several wonderful women who have lost babies due to SIDS or Trysomy 18, but I had yet to meet any women who had lost a baby due to stillbirth. I needed to find them, I needed to connect with them in order to feel normal. So I googled it. I googled TTC (trying to conceive) After Stillbirth and I found my community.
To find a group of women who were walking the same path, or have walked the same path as Geoff and I, is so thrilling and reassuring. Every woman that I have met, who has gotten pregnant again has gone on to have healthy babies and that is reassuring. Also, the women that I have met who are TTC are so helpful to one another. Encouraging one another, lifting each other up and that's a wonderful thing as well. I am so thankful that I have found these women. I am so thankful that I feel comfortable enough to be emailing back and forth with some of them. That's wonderful. I thank the Lord for this small community of women.
So life is pretty normal, other than all that. Nothing too excited as of yet. I will be keeping all of you informed, have no fear.
OH! One more thing! The sun came out yesterday, after nearly a two week inversion. It was so WONDERFUL! I felt myself immediately brighten up and become hopeful. Seriously, I felt like the sun literally burned away the gloom that was sort of covering my days. I am so thankful to see the sun and blue sky once again.
Thank you Lord for the sun! Thank you Lord for that group of iVillage ladies and thank you for hope! Thank you Lord!!
Friday, January 16, 2009
A Little Quick Funny
There is a member that comes to our credit union quite frequently. We shall call him "Jim". "Jim" is a very sweet man, but sometimes "Jim" says and does things that strike me as irritating at first, but then make me laugh later.
Shortly after coming back to work after Parker's death, I saw "Jim". He knew what had happened and was very sweet. He said he'd been praying for Geoff and I and that he would continue to pray for us. Before he left he asked if we were going to ever try to get pregnant again and I said yes. I then told him that I would keep him posted, smiled and handed him his receipt. This isn't the funny story, that comes a few weeks later.
So a couple weeks later, or maybe a month later actually, "Jim" comes into the credit union again. He comes right up to my window, as he usually does, and looks right at my tummy. I mean, if he had laser vision it probably would have burned a hole right through me. So I catch him looking at my tummy and ask him how his day is going to try to distract him a bit. He looks up at me, smiles and says he's having a great day. Then he says, "How 'bout you? How's your day? Have any good news for me?!" I sit there for a moment, letting the question hang out in mid-air a little while before saying, "Good news?" To which "Jim" responds, sheepishly, "Yeah, you know, any good news?"
Then it hits me, like a silent-but-deadly fart from my big brother Robby (you know, the kind of fart that unexpectedly assaults your nose). I look up quickly, feel my face turn all shades of red, and say, "Uh, nope, no good news today, other than that it's...just...a good day." That's when I think the SBD hit "Jim", because he looks at me and then blushes himself.
I quickly finished his transaction, talked a little small talk and sent him on his way. As he was walking out, I pulled up my pants a bit, in an effort to "tuck in" that bit of tummy that was hanging out and made a mental note to myself to work my butt of that night. (gotta love that)
Now, every time "Jim" comes in, I catch him checking my tummy for signs of life. It's so ridiculous that it's begun to make me laugh.
Oh "Jim" and everyone like "Jim". You just have to roll your eyes, shake your head and laugh.
***
HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYONE!!
Shortly after coming back to work after Parker's death, I saw "Jim". He knew what had happened and was very sweet. He said he'd been praying for Geoff and I and that he would continue to pray for us. Before he left he asked if we were going to ever try to get pregnant again and I said yes. I then told him that I would keep him posted, smiled and handed him his receipt. This isn't the funny story, that comes a few weeks later.
So a couple weeks later, or maybe a month later actually, "Jim" comes into the credit union again. He comes right up to my window, as he usually does, and looks right at my tummy. I mean, if he had laser vision it probably would have burned a hole right through me. So I catch him looking at my tummy and ask him how his day is going to try to distract him a bit. He looks up at me, smiles and says he's having a great day. Then he says, "How 'bout you? How's your day? Have any good news for me?!" I sit there for a moment, letting the question hang out in mid-air a little while before saying, "Good news?" To which "Jim" responds, sheepishly, "Yeah, you know, any good news?"
Then it hits me, like a silent-but-deadly fart from my big brother Robby (you know, the kind of fart that unexpectedly assaults your nose). I look up quickly, feel my face turn all shades of red, and say, "Uh, nope, no good news today, other than that it's...just...a good day." That's when I think the SBD hit "Jim", because he looks at me and then blushes himself.
I quickly finished his transaction, talked a little small talk and sent him on his way. As he was walking out, I pulled up my pants a bit, in an effort to "tuck in" that bit of tummy that was hanging out and made a mental note to myself to work my butt of that night. (gotta love that)
Now, every time "Jim" comes in, I catch him checking my tummy for signs of life. It's so ridiculous that it's begun to make me laugh.
Oh "Jim" and everyone like "Jim". You just have to roll your eyes, shake your head and laugh.
***
HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYONE!!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
A Letter to God, to Parker and to our Future Little One
Last night, after working out, Geoff and I sat in our car, inside our garage and talked about Parker. Following that conversation I was inspired to write a letter to God, to our son and to our future little one.
***
God~
I sit here today, overwhelmed by the fact that it has only been four months since we met and said goodbye to our beloved Parker Geofferson. I am oddly calm, not near as upset as I thought I would be. I know it's only been four months, but I feel like it has been a lifetime.
He was so perfect, so healthy, so big and yet he did not live. I don't understand, but I won't try to understand. I have grown to believe that you did not cause this and I believe that very strongly. Through these past four months, I have heard several well meaning people say some pretty awful and hurtful things, such as, "everything happens for a reason" or "it was his time". I know that they don't realize what they are saying, but I feel I need to tell them they are wrong. How can you, a God of love, kill babies. I don't believe it.
I believe you comfort Geoff and I when we're hurting. I believe that you walk with those who are grieving and you heal those who are sick. I believe all of that, but I do not believe that you took my Parker. I believe that you prepared the nurses at Mercy to care for Geoff and I. I believe that you prepared Dr. Rudeen to be the best doctor I could have ever imagined during those days in the hospital. I believe that you covered that hospital in your presence. I believe that my hospital room was filled with your Holy Spirit. I believe that you have, are and always will be with Geoff and I as we continue this journey.
I want to thank you God for being a loving God. I want to thank you for giving Geoff and I the strength to walk this path. I want to thank you for going ahead of us and preparing the way.
I also want to thank you for the little ones that you will bless Geoff and I with in the future. I thank you for the hope of new life. I thank you for the courage that you have given Geoff and I, so far, to talk about having more babies. I thank you for filling us with hope and excitement.
We could never have made it this far without you God. You are our Abba, our Papa, our provider and our sustainer. Thank you God.
Your faithful follower
~Rachel
***
To my beloved Parker Geofferson~
Four months ago today you entered our world. You were so big and beautiful. At 35 weeks you weighed more than your two cousins! What a big baby you were! (no wonder I looked as big as a house) :) You had more hair than I thought you would have. You had long beautiful eyelashes that would have made all the little girls at church envious. Your fingers and toes were so long, just like mine. We probably would have insisted on you playing basketball, or the piano. You had your daddy's nose and your mommy's mouth (but you really looked like your dad). I am sure you would have been a mini of him, we would have dressed you like him that's for sure.
You are loved and missed by so many. I wish we could have showed you off in person, but your photos have truly helped to tell your story. That has become my lifelong mission, to tell your story. I have found that God has given me knew direction to help other families who are hurting in the same way that your dadddy and I are hurting.
Parker, you have drawn your daddy and I closer together and closer to God. You truly are that special little boy that Geoff and I prayed and hoped for.
Last night, your daddy and I sat in our car and talked about you. While we were talking about you, we daydreamed about your little brother or sister. We are totally going to brag all about you to them. We are going to make sure that they know who you are.
You are missed, but yet, we feel you here with us, every moment of every day. We love you Parker Geofferson. We are so thankful for that day, four months ago, when we got to hold you and love all over you. We miss you, but we rejoice that someday we will get to see you again.
We love you Parker!
Love
~mommy and daddy
***
To Parker's future brother or sister~
Even though you are not here yet, some day you will be. Your daddy and I daydream about that day when we are ready to continue our family. We daydream about what life will be like bringing you home. We daydream and wonder about what you'll look like. We wonder if you'll look like your big brother, or if you'll look completely different. We already have a name picked out for you if your a boy or a girl. We are so excited and because of that we are slowly preparing to, in the future, bring you into this world.
It may seem kind of silly to write you this letter, even before I'm pregnant, but I wanted to record my thoughts and emotions regarding your eventual birth so that some day I may read this back to you while I hold you tight.
You are not going to be our replacement child, but rather our subsquent, our second blessed baby. You will have some big shoes to fill, but your daddy and I know you will fill them eloquently. I look forward to that day, when all of our dreams come true again. I look forward to the day when God blesses our family once again.
We love you, our future little baby boy or girl.
Love
~mommy and daddy
***
God~
I sit here today, overwhelmed by the fact that it has only been four months since we met and said goodbye to our beloved Parker Geofferson. I am oddly calm, not near as upset as I thought I would be. I know it's only been four months, but I feel like it has been a lifetime.
He was so perfect, so healthy, so big and yet he did not live. I don't understand, but I won't try to understand. I have grown to believe that you did not cause this and I believe that very strongly. Through these past four months, I have heard several well meaning people say some pretty awful and hurtful things, such as, "everything happens for a reason" or "it was his time". I know that they don't realize what they are saying, but I feel I need to tell them they are wrong. How can you, a God of love, kill babies. I don't believe it.
I believe you comfort Geoff and I when we're hurting. I believe that you walk with those who are grieving and you heal those who are sick. I believe all of that, but I do not believe that you took my Parker. I believe that you prepared the nurses at Mercy to care for Geoff and I. I believe that you prepared Dr. Rudeen to be the best doctor I could have ever imagined during those days in the hospital. I believe that you covered that hospital in your presence. I believe that my hospital room was filled with your Holy Spirit. I believe that you have, are and always will be with Geoff and I as we continue this journey.
I want to thank you God for being a loving God. I want to thank you for giving Geoff and I the strength to walk this path. I want to thank you for going ahead of us and preparing the way.
I also want to thank you for the little ones that you will bless Geoff and I with in the future. I thank you for the hope of new life. I thank you for the courage that you have given Geoff and I, so far, to talk about having more babies. I thank you for filling us with hope and excitement.
We could never have made it this far without you God. You are our Abba, our Papa, our provider and our sustainer. Thank you God.
Your faithful follower
~Rachel
***
To my beloved Parker Geofferson~
Four months ago today you entered our world. You were so big and beautiful. At 35 weeks you weighed more than your two cousins! What a big baby you were! (no wonder I looked as big as a house) :) You had more hair than I thought you would have. You had long beautiful eyelashes that would have made all the little girls at church envious. Your fingers and toes were so long, just like mine. We probably would have insisted on you playing basketball, or the piano. You had your daddy's nose and your mommy's mouth (but you really looked like your dad). I am sure you would have been a mini of him, we would have dressed you like him that's for sure.
You are loved and missed by so many. I wish we could have showed you off in person, but your photos have truly helped to tell your story. That has become my lifelong mission, to tell your story. I have found that God has given me knew direction to help other families who are hurting in the same way that your dadddy and I are hurting.
Parker, you have drawn your daddy and I closer together and closer to God. You truly are that special little boy that Geoff and I prayed and hoped for.
Last night, your daddy and I sat in our car and talked about you. While we were talking about you, we daydreamed about your little brother or sister. We are totally going to brag all about you to them. We are going to make sure that they know who you are.
You are missed, but yet, we feel you here with us, every moment of every day. We love you Parker Geofferson. We are so thankful for that day, four months ago, when we got to hold you and love all over you. We miss you, but we rejoice that someday we will get to see you again.
We love you Parker!
Love
~mommy and daddy
***
To Parker's future brother or sister~
Even though you are not here yet, some day you will be. Your daddy and I daydream about that day when we are ready to continue our family. We daydream about what life will be like bringing you home. We daydream and wonder about what you'll look like. We wonder if you'll look like your big brother, or if you'll look completely different. We already have a name picked out for you if your a boy or a girl. We are so excited and because of that we are slowly preparing to, in the future, bring you into this world.
It may seem kind of silly to write you this letter, even before I'm pregnant, but I wanted to record my thoughts and emotions regarding your eventual birth so that some day I may read this back to you while I hold you tight.
You are not going to be our replacement child, but rather our subsquent, our second blessed baby. You will have some big shoes to fill, but your daddy and I know you will fill them eloquently. I look forward to that day, when all of our dreams come true again. I look forward to the day when God blesses our family once again.
We love you, our future little baby boy or girl.
Love
~mommy and daddy
Monday, January 12, 2009
Have you ever...
...thought about throwing away the rest of your birthcontrol pills without telling your husband?
Evil I know.
No worries, I'll behave...but it's tempting none the less.
Evil I know.
No worries, I'll behave...but it's tempting none the less.
Friday, January 9, 2009
I heard a beautiful song today...
It's 4:15 in the afternoon here in the credit union. I'm sitting at my computer, browsing People.com when all of a sudden my ears prick up. They are moved to the sound of a beautiful song on the radio, one that I had not really listened intently to before. Have you ever heard the song "Held" sung by Natalie Grant? Well if you haven't, you need to google it or something (I can't figure out how to add a play list to my blog yet). It's beautiful, and the words accurately describe the role that God plays in tragedy...of any kind.
Here are some of the lyrics from the song "Held" written by Christa Wells...
(Verse 1)
Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.
(Verse 2)
Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.
(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
Here are some of the lyrics from the song "Held" written by Christa Wells...
(Verse 1)
Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.
(Verse 2)
Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.
(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
AAAHHHGGG!!!
That's how I'm feeling right now, if you can spell out feeling anxious and excited all at once. If you could spell it out I'm sure it would look something like that.
I am anxious and excited and so I need to write. I need to write and get it out of my system or else I think I may self destruct.
I am anxious and excited about our future. Last night Geoff and I talked baby talk and we laid out the plans (which I will not lay out here, becuase I don't want to blow the surprise).
We ARE NOT pregnant, no need to get excited, but you can get excited about the fact that we are making plans to continue our family. That is what we talked about last night.
We have concluded that we are going to plan this pregnancy a lot better then we planned Parker's. Not because we think that will make things easier emotionally, but it certainly will financially :) . So we decided that we should plan this pregnancy and actually TRY to get pregnant, rather then just letting things happen.
I am so excited though. I am so excited and anxious to get going! HA! I hope that's not too much information.
We ARE NOT trying yet, but it will be soon!!!! AAAHHHGGG!!! That's what I'm so excited about. So, now if only the next few months could fly by I'd be golden.
(PS. let's keep this just between us ;) I don't want everyone thinking we are trying just now. And have no fear, once Geoff and I are successfully pregnant again, you all will be the first to know, after family of course.)
Pray for us. Pray that God keeps this feeling of excitement fresh in our minds. Pray that God continues to give me peace about our subsequent pregnancy. Pray that God will continue to shower us with courage, strength and excitement. Thanks friends!!!!
HAPPY FRIDAY AND PRAISE THE LORD FOR HOPE!!!!!
I am anxious and excited and so I need to write. I need to write and get it out of my system or else I think I may self destruct.
I am anxious and excited about our future. Last night Geoff and I talked baby talk and we laid out the plans (which I will not lay out here, becuase I don't want to blow the surprise).
We ARE NOT pregnant, no need to get excited, but you can get excited about the fact that we are making plans to continue our family. That is what we talked about last night.
We have concluded that we are going to plan this pregnancy a lot better then we planned Parker's. Not because we think that will make things easier emotionally, but it certainly will financially :) . So we decided that we should plan this pregnancy and actually TRY to get pregnant, rather then just letting things happen.
I am so excited though. I am so excited and anxious to get going! HA! I hope that's not too much information.
We ARE NOT trying yet, but it will be soon!!!! AAAHHHGGG!!! That's what I'm so excited about. So, now if only the next few months could fly by I'd be golden.
(PS. let's keep this just between us ;) I don't want everyone thinking we are trying just now. And have no fear, once Geoff and I are successfully pregnant again, you all will be the first to know, after family of course.)
Pray for us. Pray that God keeps this feeling of excitement fresh in our minds. Pray that God continues to give me peace about our subsequent pregnancy. Pray that God will continue to shower us with courage, strength and excitement. Thanks friends!!!!
HAPPY FRIDAY AND PRAISE THE LORD FOR HOPE!!!!!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Weird
I saw a tiny six week old baby boy today...I did OK, but I was kind of shaking the entire time that I was looking at him. It was weird. His mom was holding his blanket, it was a polka dot one from Dwell baby (Target), the same one that I was given for Parker, when I was pregnant. That sort of made it feel all the more weird and sting a little more too. Hopefully that's the last time that emotion happens. I'm sure it won't be...
Seeing this baby boy and meeting his mommy made me think of other weird situations that may come...
It's weird, looking at this baby, knowing that his mom probably assumed that I wasn't a mommy. It's weird knowing that Geoff and I were looked at as parents when I was pregnant, and now we are just a simple married couple with no kids. I wonder how mother's day and father's day will be this year. So weird...
It's weird to think that, whenever we get pregnant again people will probably ask if this is our first and I'll have the awkward task of saying no, or choosing to protect them from a very uncomfortable conversation (for them, not me). That's weird...
It's weird to think that my next pregnancy will be with my second child. Even though we never had the joy of raising our first, we will be parents to a second child. Even though we never were able to take our first home and show him off and be apart of "that club", we'll be having our second child. So weird...
It's weird to think about the day when people ask how many kids we have. Will I include Parker in that number? Or not? So weird...
I guess Geoff and I will just have to figure out how we will navigate these situations.
Seeing this baby boy and meeting his mommy made me think of other weird situations that may come...
It's weird, looking at this baby, knowing that his mom probably assumed that I wasn't a mommy. It's weird knowing that Geoff and I were looked at as parents when I was pregnant, and now we are just a simple married couple with no kids. I wonder how mother's day and father's day will be this year. So weird...
It's weird to think that, whenever we get pregnant again people will probably ask if this is our first and I'll have the awkward task of saying no, or choosing to protect them from a very uncomfortable conversation (for them, not me). That's weird...
It's weird to think that my next pregnancy will be with my second child. Even though we never had the joy of raising our first, we will be parents to a second child. Even though we never were able to take our first home and show him off and be apart of "that club", we'll be having our second child. So weird...
It's weird to think about the day when people ask how many kids we have. Will I include Parker in that number? Or not? So weird...
I guess Geoff and I will just have to figure out how we will navigate these situations.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Blessings...
I decided it was time to fill you all in on a few blessings.
Yesterday at church Nancy approached me after the service to let me know that she had visited Parker's grave. She said that she and her family had gone to the cemetery to visit her dad's grave and decided to visit Parker's as well. I was touched and blessed to hear this. I love knowing that people are still thinking about him. Thank you Nancy for visiting my son's grave. It means the world to me.
I feel like, because it has been nearly 4 months, people are slowly beginning to forget about Parker, or they are beginning to feel like we are "all better". The pain is still there. It is not severe as it was in those first few weeks, but the feeling of loss is still present. It is such a blessing to know that there are people who have not forgotten. It is such a blessing to know that there are people who still think about our Parker. What a blessing.
Thank you again Nancy, for visiting our Parker's grave.
***
As you all know, Geoff and I celebrated Christmas with my family. While we were visiting them, Kate, my 4-year old inquisitive niece, had a few questions for me.
On Wednesday night, after we had arrived and settled in, Kate asked her first question, "Where's your baby?" I stood there, a little startled and said, "He's not here." She then tilted her head and said, "Where is he?" Unsure of whether or not she could grasp the concept of heaven, I said, "He's right here," (pointing to my chest) "in my heart." Kate responded, very sweetly, "In your heart?" I nodded my head in response, "yup, right inside my heart." That was the end of that.
Then, Friday morning, as I was getting ready for the day, Kate came into my room and asked another question. "Where does your baby sleep?" I stood there, again a little startled, heart racing and said, "What's that Kate?" She asked the question again, "Where does your baby sleep in here?" I looked around and said, "Well...he doesn't sleep in here because he's not here." I thought that would end the questions, but it only prompted another question, "Well, where is he?" This time I felt myself getting irritated, so I snapped, "He's not here, OK Kate. There is no baby." I quickly turned around, facing my back to Kate as I finished getting ready. I felt rotten. I couldn't believe how I had snapped at my sweet niece.
Kate stood in the corner of my room, silently fidgeting with my mom's snowman figurine. Then she broke the silence by saying one of the sweetest things my Kate has ever said to me. Her tiny voice spoke these words, "Well, my sister Annie is a baby, so you can play with her if you want. You can tickle her and love her and play on the floor with her if you want." My eyes began to burn with tears. I couldn't look at her because I knew I would have bawled. I just stood there, putting my Parker necklace on and said in a shaky, quiet voice, "Thanks Katers."
***
Blessings come at the most random of times, like when I'm getting ready in the morning, thinking about a million other things, or when Nancy approached me at church while I was collecting my things to leave.
I love these sorts of random blessings. God is good.
Thank you Lord for these tiny blessings that mean SO MUCH to me.
PRAISE THE LORD!
Yesterday at church Nancy approached me after the service to let me know that she had visited Parker's grave. She said that she and her family had gone to the cemetery to visit her dad's grave and decided to visit Parker's as well. I was touched and blessed to hear this. I love knowing that people are still thinking about him. Thank you Nancy for visiting my son's grave. It means the world to me.
I feel like, because it has been nearly 4 months, people are slowly beginning to forget about Parker, or they are beginning to feel like we are "all better". The pain is still there. It is not severe as it was in those first few weeks, but the feeling of loss is still present. It is such a blessing to know that there are people who have not forgotten. It is such a blessing to know that there are people who still think about our Parker. What a blessing.
Thank you again Nancy, for visiting our Parker's grave.
***
As you all know, Geoff and I celebrated Christmas with my family. While we were visiting them, Kate, my 4-year old inquisitive niece, had a few questions for me.
On Wednesday night, after we had arrived and settled in, Kate asked her first question, "Where's your baby?" I stood there, a little startled and said, "He's not here." She then tilted her head and said, "Where is he?" Unsure of whether or not she could grasp the concept of heaven, I said, "He's right here," (pointing to my chest) "in my heart." Kate responded, very sweetly, "In your heart?" I nodded my head in response, "yup, right inside my heart." That was the end of that.
Then, Friday morning, as I was getting ready for the day, Kate came into my room and asked another question. "Where does your baby sleep?" I stood there, again a little startled, heart racing and said, "What's that Kate?" She asked the question again, "Where does your baby sleep in here?" I looked around and said, "Well...he doesn't sleep in here because he's not here." I thought that would end the questions, but it only prompted another question, "Well, where is he?" This time I felt myself getting irritated, so I snapped, "He's not here, OK Kate. There is no baby." I quickly turned around, facing my back to Kate as I finished getting ready. I felt rotten. I couldn't believe how I had snapped at my sweet niece.
Kate stood in the corner of my room, silently fidgeting with my mom's snowman figurine. Then she broke the silence by saying one of the sweetest things my Kate has ever said to me. Her tiny voice spoke these words, "Well, my sister Annie is a baby, so you can play with her if you want. You can tickle her and love her and play on the floor with her if you want." My eyes began to burn with tears. I couldn't look at her because I knew I would have bawled. I just stood there, putting my Parker necklace on and said in a shaky, quiet voice, "Thanks Katers."
***
Blessings come at the most random of times, like when I'm getting ready in the morning, thinking about a million other things, or when Nancy approached me at church while I was collecting my things to leave.
I love these sorts of random blessings. God is good.
Thank you Lord for these tiny blessings that mean SO MUCH to me.
PRAISE THE LORD!
Friday, January 2, 2009
Scripture
I thought I would share a few passages of scripture that I have simply fallen in love with.
2 Corinthians 12:9 (all time favorite)
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
Romans 8:28
"And we know that God works all things for the good of those who love Him, those who have been called according to His purpose."
Hebrews 11:1
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
and finally, one that my mom used to quote every year at girls camp and one that will continue to be a favorite of mine...
Jeremiah 29:11
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
***
I love how the message puts Jeremiah 29:11. It reads, "I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for."
I REALLY love how the message puts 2 Corinthians 12:9. It reads, "Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."
I hope that these verses will help you get through whatever tough times you may be going through. I know that they have helped Geoff and I and will continue to help Geoff and I every day along this path.
PRAISE THE LORD!
2 Corinthians 12:9 (all time favorite)
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
Romans 8:28
"And we know that God works all things for the good of those who love Him, those who have been called according to His purpose."
Hebrews 11:1
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
and finally, one that my mom used to quote every year at girls camp and one that will continue to be a favorite of mine...
Jeremiah 29:11
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
***
I love how the message puts Jeremiah 29:11. It reads, "I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for."
I REALLY love how the message puts 2 Corinthians 12:9. It reads, "Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."
I hope that these verses will help you get through whatever tough times you may be going through. I know that they have helped Geoff and I and will continue to help Geoff and I every day along this path.
PRAISE THE LORD!
What Would You Do?
What would you do if you felt alienated? What would you do if you felt like relationships were breaking down all around you? What would you do if you couldn't find the words to express your feelings? What would you do if you wanted to speak your mind, but your anxieties got in the way? What would you do if you felt like people were pushing you away? What would you do if you felt like people were acting differently towards you? What would you do if other people treated you differently then they did before September 15th? What would you do if you felt like crawling in a hole and never coming out? What would you do if you didn't really feel like being around other people?
What would you do to handle life if you lost your child?
What would you do if you were in my shoes?
What would I do? What SHOULD I do?
Help me today Lord...
What would you do to handle life if you lost your child?
What would you do if you were in my shoes?
What would I do? What SHOULD I do?
Help me today Lord...
Thursday, January 1, 2009
2009
So far, 2009 has gotten off to a great start!
Geoff and I woke up this morning around 8:00am and watched When Harry Met Sally. We then rolled out of bed around 11:00am and got ready for a day of shopping. We went to Luxury Mattress outlet and bought a new mattress (YAHOO!). We then headed off to Target, Old Navy and Bed Bath and Beyond (new sheets for the new mattress). After shopping there we headed to Boise Town Square Mall and finished up our day. After 5 hours of shopping, one mattress and two new pairs of shoes later, Geoff and I are now home, sitting on the couch vegging out. It's been a good day and great start to 2009.
As I sit here, on the couch, listening to Miles Davis' Kind of Blue on my iPod Nano, I find myself thinking about 2008 and wondering about 2009.
2008 was the year of Parker. Geoff and I found out, on February 12th, that we were pregnant. The only reason why I remember the exact day is because it's my sister Sarah's and my mother-in-law Vanessa's birthday. It was on that day, in early 2008, we discovered we were going to be a mommy and a daddy. That's how 2008 started for us. 2009 is already off to a very different beginning.
2009 is going to be the year of faith. Faith in what God has in store for us. Faith in how God is going to lead Geoff and I. Hebrews 11:1 reads "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." 2009 is going to be the year of faith.
In 2009, I have faith that God will continue to heal Geoff and I. I have faith that God will work through the loss of Parker to touch others lives in more ways then Geoff and I could have ever imagined. In 2009, I have faith that God will bless our home with a sweet chubby baby brother or sister for Parker.
2009 is going to be the year of faith and I'm so SO ready!
PRAISE THE LORD!
Geoff and I woke up this morning around 8:00am and watched When Harry Met Sally. We then rolled out of bed around 11:00am and got ready for a day of shopping. We went to Luxury Mattress outlet and bought a new mattress (YAHOO!). We then headed off to Target, Old Navy and Bed Bath and Beyond (new sheets for the new mattress). After shopping there we headed to Boise Town Square Mall and finished up our day. After 5 hours of shopping, one mattress and two new pairs of shoes later, Geoff and I are now home, sitting on the couch vegging out. It's been a good day and great start to 2009.
As I sit here, on the couch, listening to Miles Davis' Kind of Blue on my iPod Nano, I find myself thinking about 2008 and wondering about 2009.
2008 was the year of Parker. Geoff and I found out, on February 12th, that we were pregnant. The only reason why I remember the exact day is because it's my sister Sarah's and my mother-in-law Vanessa's birthday. It was on that day, in early 2008, we discovered we were going to be a mommy and a daddy. That's how 2008 started for us. 2009 is already off to a very different beginning.
2009 is going to be the year of faith. Faith in what God has in store for us. Faith in how God is going to lead Geoff and I. Hebrews 11:1 reads "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." 2009 is going to be the year of faith.
In 2009, I have faith that God will continue to heal Geoff and I. I have faith that God will work through the loss of Parker to touch others lives in more ways then Geoff and I could have ever imagined. In 2009, I have faith that God will bless our home with a sweet chubby baby brother or sister for Parker.
2009 is going to be the year of faith and I'm so SO ready!
PRAISE THE LORD!
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