About Me

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Kirkland, Washington, United States
I am a child of God. I am a follower of Jesus. I am a wife, momma, daughter, sister and friend. I love good conversation and hearty laughter. A good cup of coffee is always appreciated. Most of all, I desire to bring others into an experience with Jesus. One that will shape their lives and rock their souls for Him. Geoff is my best friend and amazing husband. Parker is my handsome boy who lives in Heaven. Norah is my bright star and bringer of joy. Tori is my overcomer and peaceful warrior. I live to show Jesus' love to each person He places in my path. I pray this blog strengthens you, comforts you and encourages you and that it MOST OF ALL causes you to want to get to know Jesus in a deeper level.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Soul Cleansing: A feel good kind of hurt

So it's been almost two weeks since my last post. Life in the Harmon house has been totally normal. Nothing too terribly exciting, just...normal. Which is great! However, this doesn't mean that the bad days are done; because those, I am discovering, are part of being normal. The other day I was reminded of just that.

As I was driving home from work, the sadness hit like a ton of bricks.

It had been a relatively good day, but all day I had this nagging feeling. A feeling of emptiness, that I suppressed. I pushed it back and did my best to ignore it, did my best to pretend it wasn't there. I didn't want to feel sad. So I suppressed the emptiness as best I could.

I focused on work, chatted with friends on gmail, updated my facebook and ignored the emptiness. A little before 6:00 Linnea and I locked up for the night and headed home. I got in the car, turned on the Vince Guaraldi Christmas CD that I had listened to on the way to work, hummed along to a few songs and decided that I wanted to listen to Selah instead.

As the CD got started I turned up the volume to fill the car with sound. I sang at the top of my lungs the lyrics of You Raise Me Up and before I knew it, that feeling I had been suppressing all day reared their ugly head once more; however, this time I could not suppress it any longer. I tried choking back the tears, I tried to wipe them away, but it simply didn't work. They flowed. They flowed long and hard. I cried from the bottom of my toes. It was a cry that made me feel like either my chest would cave in or I would throw up. It was a hard hard cry. I let it all out. I hit the steering wheel and yelled out to God. I cried out, "DAMMIT!"

My Parker is gone! My baby is gone! My baby, that I carried for eight months, is gone. My Parker, that Geoff and I prepared for for eight months is gone. This made me mad.

This cry was a cry of anger. Since loosing Parker, I had not had a cry of anger. I had cried out in sorrow and grief, but I had yet to cry out in anger. I wasn't angry at God, I was just...ANGRY! Angry that I don't have my boy. I was ANGRY, DAMMIT!

I hit the steering wheel until my hand ached. I cried until I felt like my body would collapse. I bawled. As I cried, yelled and cursed, I prayed. I talked to my God, my Abba, my Papa. I talked to God, asked him to draw near and hold me tight. I told him the desires of my heart. I told him about my desire to have more children, children that I could bring home from the hospital, children that Geoff and I can hold, and raise. I told God that Geoff and I want to be a mommy and daddy to a baby that is with us on earth. I cried a deep, painful, cleansing cry.

I calmed down right about the same time that I pulled into the garage. I walked through the door and went straight into the kitchen where Geoff was cooking dinner. I stood in front of him and let him wrap his arms around me. He held me while I cried some more. I told him I was mad and he said it was OK. I told him I want more babies, babies that I can hold and kiss, and he said he did too. I told him I hit the steering wheel, he asked if it helped and I said it did. He's so good to me. He dried my tears and said that he could hold me while he stirred the soup, which made me laugh.

The evening ended much better then it had begun. After my good, soul cleansing cry, my heart felt light and my mood was much better. The emptiness that had been nagging me all day was gone. It was replaced by hope and happiness.

Geoff and I ate dinner together, watched our favorite show (Friday Night Lights) and headed off to the REC center to work out. After working out for an hour and a half (and blowing off major steam) we came home and collapsed into bed.

***

Crying is hard, especially crying like that, but it's so cleansing and SOUL cleansing. I find that once I get it out of my system I seriously feel ten thousand pounds lighter. Talking to God, while I cry, also helps. It helps because I can tangibly feel him coming alongside and wrapping his arms around me.

So today, even though I still miss my son, today is easier because Wednesday's cry is one less cry that I have to endure. The feelings that bubbled up Wednesday may come back, but they don't have to come back today. God is with me, walking beside me. God is with Geoff, walking beside him. That's what helps me know that I can face whatever feelings come my way and be triumphant.

God is good.

PRAISE THE LORD!

2 Corinthians 12:9

2 comments:

the POLEN's said...

Just wanted to stop by and say that I was thinking about you today. I hope that you are having much better days then the one you wrote about....and your right, it does get better. Just the road there is sometimes filled with potholes. Sending lots of hugs and love your way!

Carla Burlando said...

I just came across your blog via the loss directory blog. I'm so glad I did. Your transparency before God and others is beautiful. I remember so vividly those days of soul cleansing mourning. The journey of grief is a long and unpredictable one. Time does heal and make it easier. Parker will always have a big chunk of your heart and will always be your first born.