Geoff and I have started grief counseling. We've been doing this for about 2 weeks now and it's been wonderful. Every Monday night we go to Lifeline Pregnancy Center and meet with our counselor, Willie. She's wonderful, a beautiful Christian woman, inside and out. We sit, for an hour, and discuss how we're doing. We cry with her, laugh with her and move closer to healing. It's such good therapy.
At our first session she gave us a book, a Bible study, on grieving. This is the book that we will use during our nine sessions with Willie. The Bible study is written by two moms who both lost babies at 19 weeks and 25 weeks. This is why I'm writing this blog. The Bible study takes an odd look at our loss, and gives a silly reason for why it happened. This is something that has really bothered me lately and I feel I need to vent here.
The Bible study starts with a story about a grandma who makes quilts for her granddaughters and gives them the quilts when they turn 20. She gave quilts to her two oldest granddaughters when they turned 20, and her youngest granddaughter was so thrilled to receive hers. She waiting for so long for her quilt, she planned for it, prepared for it and dreamt about it. She was thrilled to receive her quilt. This is how the Bible study story goes. On the day that the youngest granddaughter turned 20 her grandmother came to her house and instead of giving her a quilt, she gave her pieces of fabric, a frame and thread to piece the quilt together. The granddaughter was devastated. She sobbed for what felt like days and days. She tried to talk to her sisters about it, and they were sympathetic at first, but eventually lost interest. Why did she not get a quilt? She had dreamt of her quilt, planned and prepared for her quilt and all she got were pieces to put together. One of her sisters had lost their quilt and the other one didn't even care about hers. Do you see why this story is annoying?
To make a long and irritating story short I'll just jump to the ending, which there really isn't an ending, but anyway. The "end" of the story says that the grandma kept coming back to the house and waited for the granddaughter to meet with her so they could start piecing together the quilt. The story says that the grandma had chosen the youngest granddaughter because she was special! UGH!!
Ever since Parker died I have had to hear from people that this was all in "God's plan," that maybe we were chosen because God knew we could handle all of this. This irritates the living crap out of me! I know that I have blogged about this before, but I decided that I've heard this enough and need to get the word out there that in no way is it even remotely comforting to hear that the God of love, the God who protects us would take my baby!!!
Geoff and I, from the moment this happened, realized that God did not do this. We knew, in our hearts, that God did not take Parker. He did not plan for this to happen. I do believe that he allowed it, simply because he is all powerful and could have enacted a miracle. I do believe that, but I do not believe that he took Parker because "it was his time". People that say such things, I believe, have not experienced a loss as devastating as the one we have. Anyone, who can look me in the eye and say that God planned this, is someone who has never buried their child. They are someone who has never had to plan a funeral instead of a dedication.
I cannot understand how it would be even slightly comforting to tell a grieving mother or father that God planned to take their baby. It just doesn't make sense!! It would be like knitting a scarf, only to burn it (rough analogy I know, but still).
This past Monday we discussed our views on this quilt story with Willie. We told her that we do not ask God why. We do not ask God why because what is the point? Why wallow in the unanswerable. I will never know why here on this earth, ever. And I am OK with that.
We also told Willie that we have never blamed God because we know that God did not do this. We have never blamed him, because to do so would mean that we have turned away from him in anger and we cannot afford to do that now.
The day we got home from the hospital, Geoff was working in our bedroom with our wireless internet. My brother-in-law Brad came in to talk to Geoff and asked him if he ever felt angry with God and this is what Geoff said, "To be angry at God and to blame him would be the worst thing that we could do at this moment in time. Because we need him now more than ever before."
Here is how the God I know and love works; Romans 8: 28 says, "And we know that God works all things for the good of those who love him, those who have been called according to his purpose."
Please understand, I do not mean to sound as though I am scolding those of you who read this, in fact, I hesitated to write this blog, but ultimately decided it was something that needed to be said. This is simply something that I have become very passionate about, so passionate, that I could not let it slide.
I hope that those who read this blog will do so with an open mind, to maybe learn how to better approach those who are grieving. I hope that maybe we can all learn how to better comfort those who have experienced the tragedy of death and in so doing, together we can all become people who offer words of true comfort, rather than words that stab the heart and potentially cause a person to become angry with God.
Thanks for letting me vent :)
- Kirkland, Washington, United States
- I am a child of God. I am a follower of Jesus. I am a wife, momma, daughter, sister and friend. I love good conversation and hearty laughter. A good cup of coffee is always appreciated. Most of all, I desire to bring others into an experience with Jesus. One that will shape their lives and rock their souls for Him. Geoff is my best friend and amazing husband. Parker is my handsome boy who lives in Heaven. Norah is my bright star and bringer of joy. Tori is my overcomer and peaceful warrior. I live to show Jesus' love to each person He places in my path. I pray this blog strengthens you, comforts you and encourages you and that it MOST OF ALL causes you to want to get to know Jesus in a deeper level.