About Me

My photo
Kirkland, Washington, United States
I am a child of God. I am a follower of Jesus. I am a wife, momma, daughter, sister and friend. I love good conversation and hearty laughter. A good cup of coffee is always appreciated. Most of all, I desire to bring others into an experience with Jesus. One that will shape their lives and rock their souls for Him. Geoff is my best friend and amazing husband. Parker is my handsome boy who lives in Heaven. Norah is my bright star and bringer of joy. Tori is my overcomer and peaceful warrior. I live to show Jesus' love to each person He places in my path. I pray this blog strengthens you, comforts you and encourages you and that it MOST OF ALL causes you to want to get to know Jesus in a deeper level.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Becoming a Warrior with His Help, and His alone

Grief is a strange beast and anyone who has been through grief knows that. There are moments, situations, comments that cause your grief to come rising to the surface. There are images, sounds, smells that evoke the feelings from those moments of tragedy that initiated the grief. And when you hear those sounds, smell those smells and see those images, you are thrown right back to the first moments of your tragedy.

These situations happen at the most inappropriate, random times. They occur while you are out shopping, eating dinner, or chatting with friends. You'll see a piece of clothing or hear another customer at the restaurant. It will stop you dead in your tracks. Everything around you moving at warp speed, while you simply stand there, stunned.

Your mind wanders to that moment of tragedy. You linger there for a moment, reliving it in your mind. Remember the emotions of the tragedy. In your mind, you want to memorize every thought, word, image of that moment. You don't want to forget. You want to remember every detail.

Then, when you are snapped back to the present, it's as if you have to catch up. You feel separate from reality. You feel as though you are covered with a veil, like a bride. Your emotions are guarded, even hidden at times, which is OK, but this one time, just this once, you want to scream. You want to scream because you are so sick and tired of being jerked around by grief.

Grief doesn't control you any longer, you are through with it. You've had it. You want to jerk grief around like it jerks you around. You want to slap it in the face just as much as it slaps you in the face. You are JUST SO SICK OF IT! But you know, full well, that if you try and run from the grief, it will catch up with you and it will demolish you.

So, just this once, you allow it to jerk you around, but you know that you will work with it. You will allow those moments, situations, and comments to come. You will endure those images, sounds and smells to overflow your mind, but you will not let it take over. You will allow them, endure them and move through them and you will become stronger.

You have to remember that you are a warrior. You have allowed and endured this much and you can do so much more. You are a survivor...

You and Geoff endured the silent doppler and ultra sound. You and Geoff endured the heart breaking news of your son's passing. You and Geoff experienced the pains of labor and made it through his delivery. You and Geoff lived in that hospital room while you held your son who was gone already. You and Geoff walked into that funeral home and passed all of those people who came to say goodbye. You and Geoff sat at that graveside and let go of those three blue balloons. You and Geoff picked out that headstone for your sweet baby boy. You and Geoff packed up his bedding, clothes and you two survived...YOU, Rachel. You and Geoff are survivors. YOU and GEOFF are warriors.


***

Sometimes I have to remind myself what Geoff and I have been through, what we have endured, at such an early time in our lives. So many people will never know what it is to bury their child, and I am thankful for that. It is a grievous task, but let me say this, Geoff and I did not do this alone. Here is how that paragraph above really goes...

Geoff and I are survivors and warriors who made it this far because we serve a God who has gone before and who walks beside us every step of the way.

We serve a God who endured the silent doppler and ultra sound with us. We serve a God who endured the heart breaking news of our son's passing with us. We serve a God who experienced the pains of labor and made it through his delivery with us. We serve a God who lived in that hospital room with us while we held our son who was gone already. We serve a God who walked into that funeral home and passed all of those people with us who came to say goodbye. We serve a God who sat at that graveside and let go of those three blue balloons with us. We serve a God who picked out that headstone for our sweet baby boy with us. We serve a God who packed up his bedding and clothes with us and gave us the strength that helped Geoff and I survive...

We are warriors, because we follow a GREAT and SOVEREIGN God. And because of this, we know that we will not be controlled by grief, but rather we will endure, allow, and move through it with God's strength and his alone. For he has helped us become the warriors and survivors that we are today.

PRAISE GOD!!

***

2 Corinthians 12:9

7 comments:

Tauni said...

I love reading your blogs. I think I cry as I read each one, but I love being able to walk with you on this journey, even though I can't be right there with you physically, I feel as though I can be with you emotionally as I read your blogs.

You are a warrior of inspiration and a reminder of where true strength comes from- God.

Claudia said...

It's been a while since I've commented or talked to you and Geoff. I've been reading your blogs and just thought it was time for me to let you know that I am still praying for your continued healing and still so very proud of you and Geoff. I just returned from taking my youth group on a winter retreat to White Pass. One of the kids borrowed my Bible to look up a scripture. When he did I just said be careful I have some papers in it. He opened it up to see the bulletin from Parkers service. The picture of you and Geoff holding him took me under. Kind of felt bad for the kid cause he was like uh uh what should I do? I hugged him and assured him he was fine, I was fine but it just is a hard thing to deal with. Someone had white diamonds perfume on at the mall the other day, I looked for mom. Mandy wants me to make moms chili, I can't do that, can anyone? I love you, I love Geoff, how's the tree? Any green on it yet? There is a song out by David Crowder ( i love him) talks about we're not alone. You know that. Sorry for the letter, more than a comment huh? Talk to ya soon.

Bob said...

Rachel,
I am normally pretty good with words. However, after reading this post, all I can say is WOW! Thank you for being such a fantastic daughter, sister, wife, and mother. Love, your dad

Dan Cole said...

Rachel, I'd send this to you on facebook instead but its blocked here at work. I enjoy reading your posts but I think you'd also enjoy something smaller too. Have you heard of Twitter before? Its like a blog only you're limited to 140 characters and you can do it with a simple text message even! Its kinda hard to explain but check out this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddO9idmax0o and then go over to www.twitter.com, sign up and search for me (jeepin_idaho). Take care and blog-on sista!

bassmanjohnny said...

Rachel, thank you for continuing to be so very transparent and real. We do serve a REAL God and it pay a huge compliment to Him when we are real in return. Life isn't perfect and things often don't go the way we want or intend them to, but the love of our Heavenly Father is always perfect and always just what we need, when we need it. Thank you for continuing to share your heart and the things that God inspires you to write.

John

Claire said...

Rachel,

We don't really know each other, but I feel like I know you more than I do. I go to NNU and I used to work at Flying M. The funny thing about being an employee at the M is that I see so many people's lives unfold in such a passive way. I never knew you while you were at NNU, but I saw you in your first years of marriage and I watched as your pregnancy progressed. I don't mean that to be creepy - it's just one of those strange parts of life as a barista.

When I heard about the loss of your son, my heart broke for you and your family. I can't understand the loss of a child, but I do know the way that a sudden death can turn your world upside down. My brother's best friend died in high school and I was with him along the journey of his recovery. I can so resound with your thoughts when you feel like the world is spinning and moving on without you. While your still trying to reflect and regroup your peers are starting relationships, making changes... sometimes it's so much.

I guess I just wanted to say first, that I so admire your spirit and perseverance. I can only imagine that God so honors your faithfulness. Thank you for the example. I also just wanted to offer hope. There is hope. Hope for recovery. You will certainly never forget, but your life and your heart will recover.

If you're into it at all Rob Bell has a video called Matthew that always reminds me of the hope there is in the Lord. He will provide. Thank you for your faithfulness!

Peace be with you.
Claire Cork

Amarie said...

Rachel, your comments have so touched me tonight honey. Dad & I just are amazed that God would bless us with children like you, Rob & Sarah. As you recounted the things that you went through last Sept., I walked through it with you too. I was looking at baby clothes tonight. Sometimes I can look at little boy clothes and sometimes I can't...tonight I couldn't. I know that God has been and will be with you & Geoff always. He is the God of ALL things, good, bad and in-between. Hurray! I love you. Mom