Grief is a strange beast and anyone who has been through grief knows that. There are moments, situations, comments that cause your grief to come rising to the surface. There are images, sounds, smells that evoke the feelings from those moments of tragedy that initiated the grief. And when you hear those sounds, smell those smells and see those images, you are thrown right back to the first moments of your tragedy.
These situations happen at the most inappropriate, random times. They occur while you are out shopping, eating dinner, or chatting with friends. You'll see a piece of clothing or hear another customer at the restaurant. It will stop you dead in your tracks. Everything around you moving at warp speed, while you simply stand there, stunned.
Your mind wanders to that moment of tragedy. You linger there for a moment, reliving it in your mind. Remember the emotions of the tragedy. In your mind, you want to memorize every thought, word, image of that moment. You don't want to forget. You want to remember every detail.
Then, when you are snapped back to the present, it's as if you have to catch up. You feel separate from reality. You feel as though you are covered with a veil, like a bride. Your emotions are guarded, even hidden at times, which is OK, but this one time, just this once, you want to scream. You want to scream because you are so sick and tired of being jerked around by grief.
Grief doesn't control you any longer, you are through with it. You've had it. You want to jerk grief around like it jerks you around. You want to slap it in the face just as much as it slaps you in the face. You are JUST SO SICK OF IT! But you know, full well, that if you try and run from the grief, it will catch up with you and it will demolish you.
So, just this once, you allow it to jerk you around, but you know that you will work with it. You will allow those moments, situations, and comments to come. You will endure those images, sounds and smells to overflow your mind, but you will not let it take over. You will allow them, endure them and move through them and you will become stronger.
You have to remember that you are a warrior. You have allowed and endured this much and you can do so much more. You are a survivor...
You and Geoff endured the silent doppler and ultra sound. You and Geoff endured the heart breaking news of your son's passing. You and Geoff experienced the pains of labor and made it through his delivery. You and Geoff lived in that hospital room while you held your son who was gone already. You and Geoff walked into that funeral home and passed all of those people who came to say goodbye. You and Geoff sat at that graveside and let go of those three blue balloons. You and Geoff picked out that headstone for your sweet baby boy. You and Geoff packed up his bedding, clothes and you two survived...YOU, Rachel. You and Geoff are survivors. YOU and GEOFF are warriors.
Sometimes I have to remind myself what Geoff and I have been through, what we have endured, at such an early time in our lives. So many people will never know what it is to bury their child, and I am thankful for that. It is a grievous task, but let me say this, Geoff and I did not do this alone. Here is how that paragraph above really goes...
Geoff and I are survivors and warriors who made it this far because we serve a God who has gone before and who walks beside us every step of the way.
We serve a God who endured the silent doppler and ultra sound with us. We serve a God who endured the heart breaking news of our son's passing with us. We serve a God who experienced the pains of labor and made it through his delivery with us. We serve a God who lived in that hospital room with us while we held our son who was gone already. We serve a God who walked into that funeral home and passed all of those people with us who came to say goodbye. We serve a God who sat at that graveside and let go of those three blue balloons with us. We serve a God who picked out that headstone for our sweet baby boy with us. We serve a God who packed up his bedding and clothes with us and gave us the strength that helped Geoff and I survive...
We are warriors, because we follow a GREAT and SOVEREIGN God. And because of this, we know that we will not be controlled by grief, but rather we will endure, allow, and move through it with God's strength and his alone. For he has helped us become the warriors and survivors that we are today.
2 Corinthians 12:9
- Kirkland, Washington, United States
- I am a child of God. I am a follower of Jesus. I am a wife, momma, daughter, sister and friend. I love good conversation and hearty laughter. A good cup of coffee is always appreciated. Most of all, I desire to bring others into an experience with Jesus. One that will shape their lives and rock their souls for Him. Geoff is my best friend and amazing husband. Parker is my handsome boy who lives in Heaven. Norah is my bright star and bringer of joy. Tori is my overcomer and peaceful warrior. I live to show Jesus' love to each person He places in my path. I pray this blog strengthens you, comforts you and encourages you and that it MOST OF ALL causes you to want to get to know Jesus in a deeper level.