Monday, it was a good day.
Monday morning I got up with Geoff and got ready for the day. Geoff and I had talked about the possibility of me going to work with him, but I decided that I was feeling good enough to be alone. So I drove Geoff to work, helped him set up his thank you for the River Valley staff (tons of little bite size candy bars and a thank you card in the middle), and then headed off to spend the morning with myself.
When I got back to Nampa, I headed straight home, grabbed my book and left the house for Flying M (a wonderful local coffee shop) to have a little "me time".
I walked into Flying M, scanned the room to see if there was anyone I knew, and got in line to get my coffee. I grabbed my double tall latte, raspberry scone and headed to the nearest empty couch. I curled up, ate my scone and started thinking. Thinking always gets me in trouble these days. I started thinking about how Geoff and I had talked about bringing Parker here with us on the weekends. It was hard to remember that. I took a deep breath and finished my scone. I grabbed my book, opened it up and began to read while I sipped on my latte. It felt good to dive into the book and get lost. I read for what felt like forever, but realized it had only been an hour. When I looked at my watch I saw that it was 10:20. Geoff would have a break in 20 minutes, so I decided to get in the car, drive to Eagle, call Geoff and do some shopping.
It took no time to get to Eagle. I called Geoff to see when he wanted to get together for lunch and what he wanted to have. While I was standing in the middle of Old Navy talking to Geoff it dawned on me who is usually shopping at this time of day...stay at home moms. I felt like I was surrounded by moms and there babies. It felt like the walls were caving in. I tried to make light of it by telling Geoff that all the rich stay at home moms were out shopping, but that didn't really work. I never thought that I would react that way towards stay at home moms, but I was jealous and envious. I was coveting the life they had. I took a deep breath and finished talking with my husband. He decided that he wanted me to surprise him for lunch and that we would meet at 11:25. We said our "love you"s and goodbyes and hung up. I browsed my way through Old Navy, bought a cute orange shirt and headed towards Claire's and Bath and Body Works. I wrapped up my shopping, grabbed lunch for Geoff and I at Panda Express and headed to his school.
I know I have said this before, but I love the staff of people that Geoff works with. Everyone is wonderful. I was able to walk in, sign in and head straight to Geoff's room. We ate together and laughed so hard we were crying (good tears, tears of laughter). It was a great lunch. One of the many good things that has come out of this tragedy is how much our love has grown for each other. We are more in love now than we have ever been before.
On Sunday, I realized just how in love I am with him. He truly is my knight in shining armor. He is my rock and my steadfast friend. Monday night, as we were trying to wind down from a somewhat stressful evening, I laid my head on his lap and we talked. I told him that I believe God brought Geoff into my life because he knew how good of a balance that Geoff would be and is for me. Plus, God knew that Geoff would give me beautiful babies some day :). Geoff is my one true love, now more than ever before and I am so thankful for him.
After lunch, I went to Boise Towne Square mall and shopped some more. I called my sister, bought my mom a birthday gift and headed back to Geoff's school to pick him up to head to our doctor's appointment, it was 3:20.
We arrived, 10 minutes late to our doctor's appointment. My heart was racing and my palms were sweating like crazy. I was a nervous, anxious mess of emotions. We walked in and I informed the receptionist that we were there to see Dr. Rudeen. We then turned and walked to our seats, the waiting room was empty. As soon as I sat down, my emotions got the best of me and I began to cry. I cried because the sounds, smells and memories of that place came flooding back. The last time I had been in that waiting room, I was still pregnant and Parker was still alive with a heart rate of 145 bpm. I could not control myself. I tried to take a deep breath, but it just didn't work. Geoff grabbed my hand and I squeezed it for dear life. We walked into the exam room, and my nurse Polly gave me hug and I cried some more. She took my blood pressure and we waited for Dr. Rudeen.
When Dr. Rudeen came in, he immediately got right to the tests. That's what this appointment was all about. Dr. Rudeen, following Parker's birth, had sent the placenta and umbilical cord in for testing and we were there to hear the results. According to Dr. Rudeen, the tests brought back nothing conclusive, other than it appeared that there may have been a hemorrhage. Our doctor also went over my blood tests that had been administered while I was at the hospital. All of them came back just fine. Basically, after all the medical jargon, Geoff and I found out that there was nothing wrong with us genetically. That Parker's death was a fluke. I was prepared for this. I had found out that the majority of parents who have been through what Geoff and I have been through, never get answers.
I then asked Dr. Rudeen, as my doctor, how he would feel about me getting pregnant again. Without even pausing to think Dr. Rudeen responded immediately by saying that Geoff and I can have healthy babies. He then said that after 28 years of practice he's never had a stillbirth happen two times to one woman. That was SO reassuring. Whenever Geoff and I are ready to start trying again, and whenever we get pregnant again, I will be considered high risk, simply because Parker was stillborn. They will follow my pregnancy closely. Run various tests if I want them too. They will simply walk side by side with me to make sure that I feel reassured. That was so helpful to hear. I cried through the entire appointment. I was able to thank Dr. Rudeen for how wonderful he was during those days in the hospital. I was also able to laugh with Dr. Rudeen about how big he predicts our next baby to be (he's predicting 8 or more lbs). The whole appointment was very VERY reassuring. We then got home and got dinner from Pizza Hut and unwound.
I am so thankful for how God has been so good to Geoff and I during these past few weeks. I am so thankful for how he has helped Geoff and I make it through. Monday was a good day for Geoff and I. I was so proud of myself that I was able to be by myself during the majority of the day. It was a good day. I was so relieved to hear that Geoff and I can still have beautiful babies. I was so relieved to hear that the potential for us to have another baby is high! I am so thankful. Monday was such a good day.
I still miss my Parker Geofferson. I still cry for my son, but the hope of more children, and the strength that God provides through that hope, is what gets us through. I am still terrified to be pregnant again, that's normal, but I know that some day, some day soon, Geoff and I will have that chance. And I know that God will be there, walking right beside us, helping us every step of the way, just as he has always done. PRAISE GOD!
- Kirkland, Washington, United States
- I am a child of God. I am a follower of Jesus. I am a wife, momma, daughter, sister and friend. I love good conversation and hearty laughter. A good cup of coffee is always appreciated. Most of all, I desire to bring others into an experience with Jesus. One that will shape their lives and rock their souls for Him. Geoff is my best friend and amazing husband. Parker is my handsome boy who lives in Heaven. Norah is my bright star and bringer of joy. Tori is my overcomer and peaceful warrior. I live to show Jesus' love to each person He places in my path. I pray this blog strengthens you, comforts you and encourages you and that it MOST OF ALL causes you to want to get to know Jesus in a deeper level.