Today I'm blue with glimpses of happiness.
I'm not so angry anymore, now I'm just trying to process and figure out how to heal. I am trying to figure out how to move on from the anger that I felt earlier. There is no one to blame, except...well, no one. I don't blame my friends, I won't blame God and I don't blame myself. The feeling of anger was just one of those emotions that bubbled up over words. Over a simple phrase that was written not out of malice, but was simply written.
This is one of those emotions, and instances, that are hard to explain. I hated hearing this, so I hate that I say it now, but until you have walked the path that I tread...no, I won't even say that. This is just simply one of those emotions and instances that are simply hard to explain. I can try. I can try to "wax eloquent" about it, but the message might not get across effectively. I can try and explain, in the simplest of ways by using "like or as", but that won't get the message across effectively either. All I can say is, bare with me. Grit your teeth and bare with me or ask me to clarify, and I will try.
I have always said that I want to be an "open book". That I want people to feel like they can approach me regarding my grief and the loss of my son Parker. I still hold tight to that. I still want to be an open book. I still want people to feel free to approach me regarding my journey along this path toward healing and a new normal.
I'm not sure if you all realize this, but your comments, whether posted on here or on my facebook page, keep me going. They give me the energy, encouragement and hope to keep on...keepin on. I am thrilled when I open my email and see that a new comment has been posted. I become elated when I open my facebook to see that I have messages in my inbox or messages on my wall telling me to keep up the good work! I need those. I thrive on them. I live off of them. **Would you believe that my love language is words of encouragement?** Those are vital to me these days. They are what help me hold my head up. Really, I feel as though each and every one of you, who access this blog and read it, are walking the journey with me. I feel as though Geoff and I are the guy on the bicycle, in that really long race, and you all are riding, a little behind, in the pace car (if that's what they call, but you get my drift). You are cheering us on while we fight this battle.
So as we journey, together, along this rough road, this pot-hole filled path, there will be good days. Days where I feel so high. Days where the view from the mountaintop is breathtaking. Days where I will feel God right beside me. But then there will be days, like today, where I'll feel lost in the deepest depths. Days where the quicksand is heavy and hard to climb out of.
I hope the good days will come more than the bad, but I know that I have little control over that. What I have control over is how I make it through those bad days. I have control over drawing near to God. I have control over giving God control. That's what I worked on today and that's what I continue to work on.
So bare with me. I'll get through this. Geoff and I will get through this together, with God. It will be good, in the end (wherever and whenever the end is). Please continue to pray for us, think about us and encourage us. We need it like never before. PRAISE GOD, GOD IS SO GOOD!
- Kirkland, Washington, United States
- I am a child of God. I am a follower of Jesus. I am a wife, momma, daughter, sister and friend. I love good conversation and hearty laughter. A good cup of coffee is always appreciated. Most of all, I desire to bring others into an experience with Jesus. One that will shape their lives and rock their souls for Him. Geoff is my best friend and amazing husband. Parker is my handsome boy who lives in Heaven. Norah is my bright star and bringer of joy. Tori is my overcomer and peaceful warrior. I live to show Jesus' love to each person He places in my path. I pray this blog strengthens you, comforts you and encourages you and that it MOST OF ALL causes you to want to get to know Jesus in a deeper level.