Today has been hard...
I can't tell you why. I can't reason it out. I just can't explain it at all. There is no reason. It wasn't one thing that caused it. It wasn't one thing that triggered it. It just has been a hard day today. I woke up and felt exhausted. I got ready for the day and was weak. I came to work and wanted to go home. Today's been hard.
I started reading through my old blogs. Kind of a mistake, kind of therapeutic. I was proud of myself to see what I had worked through, but also was overwhelmed with memories of those awful days. Tears welled up in my eyes and were swallowed away. Hard feelings, hard thoughts.
I searched the internet for facts on stillbirth. I was encouraged that, well that there are websites out there to help women face subsequent pregnancies following a stillbirth. I was overwhelmed by some not so comforting websites. Stupid internet.
The past few days I have been consumed, overcome, with the urge to load myself with encouraging facts that tell me that I can have another baby that will live. However, I am terrified still. I am terrified that I'll loose the next baby. I'm terrified that I will never know what it's like to bring a baby home from the hospital. I am terrified that Geoff and I will never know that joy. I'm terrifiedl, so I pray.
I pray and I remind myself that God is bigger then my fears. God is bigger then my anxieties. God will walk with me. God will be right beside me through this grief and throughout the next "subsequent" pregnancy.
I have been asking God to bring back the excitement and desire to be pregnant. I have been asking God to give me joy regarding pregnancy. I have been asking God to calm my heart and mind. God has heard me.
Friday was when all these anxieties reared their ugly heads. I had googled "subsequent Pregnancy after a loss" and was sent to this woman's blog. I should never have read her blog. It was filled with tons of scary statistics that I can't bring myself to repeat. I simply wrote them down and plan on discussing them with my doctor. I vow to never read another stupid blog from some random woman again...
Tonight, on my drive home from work, my body ached and my heart was heavy. Like I said earlier, today had been a hard day.
I called Geoff to tell him that I would be home late because, yet again, traffic was awful in little old Idaho.
I hate being stuck in traffic, but I do take that opportunity to put in my Selah CD and blast it!! I sing the songs at the top of my lungs..."THROUGH IT ALL, THROUGH IT ALL, I'VE LEARNED TO TRUST IN JESUS, I'VE LEARNED TO TRUST IN GOD! THROUGH IT ALL, THROUGH IT ALL, I'VE LEARNED TO DEPEND UPON HIS WORD!" Such good therapy. I sometimes even open my sunroof so that I can share the good messages of these songs with those stuck in traffic with me.
While I'm on the phone with Geoff I tell him that I've had a rough day. I tell him why I'm feeling so blue today. One of our members had a baby this morning...lucky them... He responds by saying, "Well, hurry home so you can have a great evening with me." I smile. He's so good for me. He warms my heart.
I don't want to be around babies right now. I feel like they're everywhere. I feel like I can't get away from pregnant women and newborns. I want to move away to some far off island where there are no pregnant women and there are no babies. I'll live there until I'm ready to face reality. Yeah right, that will never happen, because that place doesn't exist.
I cry and tell him that I'll hurry home as fast as this stupid traffic jam allows. I tell him I love him and I hang up.
I turn Selah back on and continue to blast away..."YOU ARE MY HIDING PLACE, YOU ALWAYS FILL MY HEART WITH SONGS, OF DELIVERANCE, WHENEVER I AM AFRAID, I WILL TRUST IN YOU, I WILL TRUST IN YOU, LET THE WEAK SAY I AM STRONG, IN THE STRENGTH, OF THE LORD. I WILL TRUST IN YOU."
It is at this moment that I am reminded of all those wonderful verses. I am reminded of all those encouraging words the Lord pointed out to me on Sunday. I am also reminded of our very favorite verse, the verse that has helped us more than any other during this time...
2 Corinthians 12:9 "BUT HE SAID TO ME, 'MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR YOU, FOR MY POWER IS MADE PERFECT IN WEAKNESS.' THEREFORE I WILL BOAST ALL THE MORE GLADLY ABOUT MY WEAKNESSES, SO THAT CHRIST'S POWER MAY REST ON ME."
So I sing. So I pray. I sing and I pray for God's comfort. I sing and I pray for God's healing power. I sing and I pray for God's strength. I sing and I pray for God's glory. I sing and I pray because God hears me and God will answer me.
God is so good.
- Kirkland, Washington, United States
- I am a child of God. I am a follower of Jesus. I am a wife, momma, daughter, sister and friend. I love good conversation and hearty laughter. A good cup of coffee is always appreciated. Most of all, I desire to bring others into an experience with Jesus. One that will shape their lives and rock their souls for Him. Geoff is my best friend and amazing husband. Parker is my handsome boy who lives in Heaven. Norah is my bright star and bringer of joy. Tori is my overcomer and peaceful warrior. I live to show Jesus' love to each person He places in my path. I pray this blog strengthens you, comforts you and encourages you and that it MOST OF ALL causes you to want to get to know Jesus in a deeper level.