Yesterday was a great day. Today has been a little rough.
I'm a little angry today. I'm a little angry because of something someone said. I know they didn't mean anything. I understand that they probably didn't think one bit about me and my situation. But I'm pissed. I'm mad.
It was my own fault. I should have read the subject line and stopped there, but no, I had to read the email and then the response email. I should have just ignored them both. I should have just deleted both, maybe even labeled both as junk. I read them though, and they made me mad. They made me really mad.
I decided to remove myself from those emails. I decided to avoid reading anything else that would make me mad. I hate feeling this way. I understand it's apart of the grieving process, but I don't like it.
I don't like being mad at my friends. I know they didn't think about how that may hurt me. It still hurts. I need to be separate from them for a while. Eventually I'll be able to be around them. Eventually I'll be able to read emails like the one that pissed me off. Eventually I'll be able to hear people praising God for saving their babies and not get mad...eventually.
But for now I'm angry. For now I'm wallowing a little in my misery. For now I just don't want to hear that. For now I just need to be away from them and separate from all that. For now I just need to be near to God. For now I need to ask for His strength and encouragement.
So I'm sitting here, mad and telling God all about it so that eventually, some day, I'll be able to be around that again...eventually, not now.
Please God, draw near, hold me tight. I'm hearing those words of encouragement, that are helping even now 2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
I need you today God, really bad...really bad.
About Me
- Rachel
- Kirkland, Washington, United States
- I am a child of God. I am a follower of Jesus. I am a wife, momma, daughter, sister and friend. I love good conversation and hearty laughter. A good cup of coffee is always appreciated. Most of all, I desire to bring others into an experience with Jesus. One that will shape their lives and rock their souls for Him. Geoff is my best friend and amazing husband. Parker is my handsome boy who lives in Heaven. Norah is my bright star and bringer of joy. Tori is my overcomer and peaceful warrior. I live to show Jesus' love to each person He places in my path. I pray this blog strengthens you, comforts you and encourages you and that it MOST OF ALL causes you to want to get to know Jesus in a deeper level.
2 comments:
Sometimes though, it only takes the fact that they "didn't" think of how it would hurt you that in fact HURTS you.
God has made us humans joyuous beings that luckly don't comprehend true pain or loss until we are faced with it ourselves.
Doing exactly what you are doing, handling it with patience and trusting in God, is the smartest way to go. You are in my thoughts and prayers consently.
Sending a EXTRA big hug your way!
xoxo, Cynthia
Rachel, I think you are doing an amazing job of trusting in God to heal you. You've shown so much strength and courage and faith in all of this. I know the anger is part of the process, but don't forget that we praise God come good, bad, and totally s*****. You are amazing at this! But would you want your friends to hold back their praise for fear of hurting you? Rachel, I can't begin to tell you how badly it sucks that Parker isn't in your arms right now. And, duh!, you know this much more than I do. I can understand your anger that some babies are spared when others are taken. But don't alienate those who truly only want the best for you. We love you, and you are in our prayers constantly, whatever stage of grief you are in! I'm truly sorry if anything I've said or will say hurts you, and I only hope that you would address that with me in person. Love you, Rachel!
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