About Me

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Kirkland, Washington, United States
I am a child of God. I am a follower of Jesus. I am a wife, momma, daughter, sister and friend. I love good conversation and hearty laughter. A good cup of coffee is always appreciated. Most of all, I desire to bring others into an experience with Jesus. One that will shape their lives and rock their souls for Him. Geoff is my best friend and amazing husband. Parker is my handsome boy who lives in Heaven. Norah is my bright star and bringer of joy. Tori is my overcomer and peaceful warrior. I live to show Jesus' love to each person He places in my path. I pray this blog strengthens you, comforts you and encourages you and that it MOST OF ALL causes you to want to get to know Jesus in a deeper level.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Parker's Hands & Tough Emotions

Saturday was a good day, had some rough spots, but for the most part it was a good day.


I got up Saturday morning bright and early at 9:00am. Geoff and I wanted to get an early start on this particular day. We wanted to get to the farmer's market in time to check out a bench for Parker's memorial corner. So I got up slowly, made some coffee and turned on my Bill Evan's CD. I grabbed our laptop, lit my mulled cider candle and sat on the couch and checked my email. I was doing just grand. It was a nice overcast morning, kinda chilly outside, but so warm and cozy inside. It was a beautiful, autumn, Saturday morning. As I was checking my email I asked the Lord to be near to Geoff and I. To help give us strength and to help us have a good Saturday.


I woke Geoff up at 9:30am. He came out into the living room, made himself a little breakfast, and we slowly got ready for the day. At about 11:00am we headed out for the day. So much for getting an "early" start.


We made our way around to a couple stops we needed to before heading to downtown Nampa. We finally arrived at the farmer's market at about 11:45. We went straight to this man's booth who makes benches out of old barn boards. We checked out what he had and asked if he could make a custom piece. We got his business card and went on our way (I'll be calling to place our custom order today. I'm so excited).


After the farmer's market we ran a few more errands, ate lunch at Costco and headed to Meridian. We were headed to Hand Made Memories to pick up Parker's ceramic hand molds. We had three of them made, one for Mark and Vanessa, one for my mom and dad and one for Geoff and I. I was so excited to see his little hand. At the hospital, I was so intent on seeing his face that I failed to look at the rest of him. I don't regret that, but I was really looking forward to finally getting to see his hand.


We arrived at Hand Made Memories after driving through the ran, thunder and lightning. I was starting to tremble with nerves. We knocked on the door of their house. We went in and waited. Then they came. I looked in the box and there they were, three beautiful molds of his tiny right hand. The molds of the hands sat on wood plaques with gold plates that read "Parker Geofferson Harmon, September 15, 2008". Geoff and my mother-in-law Vanessa had been telling me how much his hands looked like mine, and sure enough they did. He had long long fingers just like his mommy. We would have definitely made him play the piano and MOST definitely I would have strongly encouraged him to play basketball. His hands were beautiful. We took the three hands, said our "thank yous" and went on our way.


When we got in the car I touched one of the hands. I could not stop rubbing his little hand. The way the hands were shaped I could tuck my thumb inside and it looked like he was holding my thumb. I began to cry. I missed him dearly during that moment. My heart ached to hold him, to feel his sweet little body in my arms and touch his face again. I missed my Parker dearly at that moment. I rubbed his hands the whole way back to Nampa.


We went straight to Geoff's parent's house to deliver one of Parker's hands to them. We went inside and talked about how perfect the molds turned out. Every wrinkle was there, every nail was perfectly outlined. I mean, they were perfect in every way, just like he was. Geoff and I left shortly after that and went home. When we got home I went to his nursery and put our hand on his shelf and the other one (the one for my mom) on his changing table. I was so thrilled that we had those. They are like precious, priceless gold to me. I will cherish them forever!

Saturday night we rented a movie, vegged out a little and then went to bed thoroughly exhausted.

The next day was Sunday. We went to church, Geoff led worship once again and I know he felt so good being back in that position. After the service I purposefully made myself open up to some of our young adult friends. It's been really hard for me, lately, to want to be open with them. They have done nothing wrong, but I just find it hard to be myself around them. So I purposefully made an effort to do my best to be myself with them.

Ryan approached me and asked if Geoff and I would be attending Bible study this Wednesday. I abruptly answered, "No." I think that caught him off guard, and I felt bad about that. It's just too soon still. It's probably going to be a long while before I feel comfortable being at Bible study and game night with the young adults. It will probably be a while before I feel comfortable going to any events.

I then saw Jess approach and asked if I could hold Ella. She handed her over to me. I held her for a little while. The entire time Ella just grinned. It was so fun holding a baby again. I was really proud of myself too! I was able to hold Ella and not feel sad. It was wonderful. I told Geoff about it later and he said that I was brave. I think it's still hard for Geoff to hold any babies. I can't wait until he feels comfortable with that again, but I know he needs his time.

This weekend was a great weekend. We had a few bumps along the road, but for the most part it was a great weekend. Sunday night I put together Parker's memory box, cried a little when I held the blanket he was wrapped up it, but rejoiced that I was able to get that done. While my parents were still in town we had purchased this beautiful wooden box to hold Parker's memorial items in. Its gorgeous, and with all of his stuff in there, it look so wonderfully full.

This weekend was truly a great weekend. I am so thankful for how God has continued to bless our lives and help us continue along this road. Healing is good, feeling normal is getting easier. Life is moving along and God is right there beside us. PRAISE GOD!

1 comment:

capolen said...

I found your blog through a friend that attended NNU with you. I also attended NNU with you guys during your freshmen year, although we hung in different crowds. That being said, I truly hope that you don't mind me reading these blogs. My husband and I have been touched reading them. Adam and I have been trying for a baby since 2004 and have had many set backs. We have lost 4 babies to miscarriages. We are currently going through infertility treatment and are hoping for the best.

Okay. Enough with the ramblings. But I feel I have to give you back story so that you understand where I am coming from.

I am not going to even start to compare my miscarriages with your loss, I would never imagine doing that. But I did get a glimpes of the pain that you two have felt and are dealing with. And I have to say that I am truly impressed with the way you are handling it. When we lost the babies, my husband and I closed off, to the world and each other. But especially to God. As time has gone on, the walls have started to come down, slowly...but they are coming down.

As I read your blog, I do sense the hurt but also an unaffected joy in worshiping your God. As we begin trying again for a baby this month, the threat of misscarriages loom in our minds. I pray that my husband and I, if forced to face that again, have the strength that you guys do and hold on to our faith through it all.

Thank you for being an example to us...you have helped more then I can express on here.

Cynthia and Adam Polen