A Letter to God, to Parker and to our Future Little One

Last night, after working out, Geoff and I sat in our car, inside our garage and talked about Parker. Following that conversation I was inspired to write a letter to God, to our son and to our future little one.

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God~

I sit here today, overwhelmed by the fact that it has only been four months since we met and said goodbye to our beloved Parker Geofferson. I am oddly calm, not near as upset as I thought I would be. I know it's only been four months, but I feel like it has been a lifetime.

He was so perfect, so healthy, so big and yet he did not live. I don't understand, but I won't try to understand. I have grown to believe that you did not cause this and I believe that very strongly. Through these past four months, I have heard several well meaning people say some pretty awful and hurtful things, such as, "everything happens for a reason" or "it was his time". I know that they don't realize what they are saying, but I feel I need to tell them they are wrong. How can you, a God of love, kill babies. I don't believe it.

I believe you comfort Geoff and I when we're hurting. I believe that you walk with those who are grieving and you heal those who are sick. I believe all of that, but I do not believe that you took my Parker. I believe that you prepared the nurses at Mercy to care for Geoff and I. I believe that you prepared Dr. Rudeen to be the best doctor I could have ever imagined during those days in the hospital. I believe that you covered that hospital in your presence. I believe that my hospital room was filled with your Holy Spirit. I believe that you have, are and always will be with Geoff and I as we continue this journey.

I want to thank you God for being a loving God. I want to thank you for giving Geoff and I the strength to walk this path. I want to thank you for going ahead of us and preparing the way.

I also want to thank you for the little ones that you will bless Geoff and I with in the future. I thank you for the hope of new life. I thank you for the courage that you have given Geoff and I, so far, to talk about having more babies. I thank you for filling us with hope and excitement.

We could never have made it this far without you God. You are our Abba, our Papa, our provider and our sustainer. Thank you God.

Your faithful follower

~Rachel

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To my beloved Parker Geofferson~

Four months ago today you entered our world. You were so big and beautiful. At 35 weeks you weighed more than your two cousins! What a big baby you were! (no wonder I looked as big as a house) :) You had more hair than I thought you would have. You had long beautiful eyelashes that would have made all the little girls at church envious. Your fingers and toes were so long, just like mine. We probably would have insisted on you playing basketball, or the piano. You had your daddy's nose and your mommy's mouth (but you really looked like your dad). I am sure you would have been a mini of him, we would have dressed you like him that's for sure.

You are loved and missed by so many. I wish we could have showed you off in person, but your photos have truly helped to tell your story. That has become my lifelong mission, to tell your story. I have found that God has given me knew direction to help other families who are hurting in the same way that your dadddy and I are hurting.

Parker, you have drawn your daddy and I closer together and closer to God. You truly are that special little boy that Geoff and I prayed and hoped for.

Last night, your daddy and I sat in our car and talked about you. While we were talking about you, we daydreamed about your little brother or sister. We are totally going to brag all about you to them. We are going to make sure that they know who you are.

You are missed, but yet, we feel you here with us, every moment of every day. We love you Parker Geofferson. We are so thankful for that day, four months ago, when we got to hold you and love all over you. We miss you, but we rejoice that someday we will get to see you again.

We love you Parker!

Love

~mommy and daddy

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To Parker's future brother or sister~

Even though you are not here yet, some day you will be. Your daddy and I daydream about that day when we are ready to continue our family. We daydream about what life will be like bringing you home. We daydream and wonder about what you'll look like. We wonder if you'll look like your big brother, or if you'll look completely different. We already have a name picked out for you if your a boy or a girl. We are so excited and because of that we are slowly preparing to, in the future, bring you into this world.

It may seem kind of silly to write you this letter, even before I'm pregnant, but I wanted to record my thoughts and emotions regarding your eventual birth so that some day I may read this back to you while I hold you tight.

You are not going to be our replacement child, but rather our subsquent, our second blessed baby. You will have some big shoes to fill, but your daddy and I know you will fill them eloquently. I look forward to that day, when all of our dreams come true again. I look forward to the day when God blesses our family once again.

We love you, our future little baby boy or girl.

Love

~mommy and daddy